How do you explain death to children? Can you help?
The thoughts of many are with David and Samantha Cameron following the death of their son, Ivan, as we'll report on PM shortly.
"[I cannot] imagine the pain of losing a child... the mere thought always reduces me to tears. I can't even write this post without tears!" Wrote Fi on the PM Blog.
Claire Bates, whose six-year-old son - like Ivan - has cerebral palsy and epilepsy, wrote an article for the BBC News website.
"When I heard today's news about [Ivan's] death, I pulled over my car, took deep breaths and watched my hands begin to shake.
My middle son asked me why we weren't going to pre-school. I told him a special boy like Noah had died and a family just like us was very sad."
The very public illness of Jade Goody has also raised the issue of how to break such bad, but vital news to young children.
There was this Daily Mirror article in which Jade Goody discusses a book about dying. The same paper hears from a childcare and parenting author, Heather Welford.
Do YOU have experience in this delicate area which you could share? Feel free to click on comments, or send an email to iPM@bbc.co.uk.
THURSDAY UPDATE: This piece in the Daily Telegraph today reports how Mr and Mrs Cameron broke the news to their children.
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Whilst not the death of a sibling or parent 4 years ago I had to try and explain the death of the children's grandmother.
It was hard then and still is hard at times.
We tried not to be brutal but at the same time tried to be very clear that grandmum was dead and wasn't coming back. They were involved with scattering the ashes.
One child believes in God and the other is agnostic so there is some belief in heaven although they know I am an atheist and occasionally when something brings up a bad memory this can be hard for them. I do not belittle their views but am honest about my own.
Having gone through a similar experience as a child and been fed every eumphamisum in the book I felt it was important for them to know the truth.
There was also a difference in dealing with one introvert and one extrovert and their interaction. I found it really important to give them both space. Whilst one would be ok to curl up and wail and sob the other felt pure anger and an old crockery smashing session on the patio helped.
Unorthodox, possibly but it helped get some of the pure rage out.
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My son is 4 and a half and has already lost a grandma, granddad and my best friends son who was age 1 1/2. We were very frank, we are not religious and we told him that they had got very sick and their body couldn't work any more. We have their pictures around and we talk about them often. Sometimes he asks us again like 'why did he die' but he knows that death means you just are not around any more. I think they cope better if you are honest and let them feel a bit sad. We even went to baby Theo's grave and after something my son decided to join me after initially not wanting to, but he came and we talked to him. Its been really hard for us all but having him understand what is happening has helped us all I feel.
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Our first daughter and second child died as a cot death. Her elder brother was 2 years old at the time and even though we were aware that he would not grasp all that we were saying, we were entirely open with him. He could see our dreadful sadness and always comforted us with a hug. We talked about his sister frequently - as we still do 21 years later. At the age of about four he suddenly went through his own process of bereavement, crying for his little sister and asking all sorts of questions which again we answered as openly as we could. Subsequently our two other children went through exactly the same process - even though they never met their big sister - with sudden tears and need for an explanation as to what happened and where she was. My eighteen year old daughter frequently feels the presence of her sister and has a very real relationship with her. We all talk about our first daughter as an integral member of the family.
I would strongly recommend that bereaved parents are entirely open with other or subsequent children, from the earliest age.
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I'm a primary school teacher in Dorset. This week we've had a situation where a small boy's father has committed suicide. After three days, the child's mother had been unable to explain to the child what had happened to his father, so she came to us for help.
After consulting with local professsionals, the advice was to explain that daddy was very confused and because of this he had done something very dangerous which meant that he had died.
This is clearly a complex case but this response seems to have conveyed the truth whilst avoiding the need to discuss overly 'difficult' issues with a very young child when they are, perhaps, unable to make sense of such a situation.
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Treat death as part of life.Often young children experience the death of a pet,the death of a grand parent(hopefully after a long and happy life),as my son did.Be open and honest about what is happening,involve the child as much as possible.We made sure our son could say good-bye to his Granny before she died.He chose what he wanted to wear for her funeral(his "Handsome Prince" outfit),he was only 4! Listen to what they say as they try and make sense of it all in their own way. My son liked to think of his Gran as a star in the sky,which is lovely as we all are supposed to evolve from stardust!Do not try and hide the fact that you are dreadfully sad too,this is completely natural"Daddy is so sad because his mummy has died".Children dip in and out of grief like jumping in and out of puddles,so don't be upset if they're not as sad as you think they should be! As he grew older he my son had to cope with the death of 2 dogs (we had them put to sleep at home,and he wanted to be there).It showed him there was nothing to fear from death itself.Another grandparent died, hamsters were laid to rest with proper funerals.It all helped him to cope when at the age of 14, the most dreadful thing happened,his dad died after a road accident on his way to work.He helped to plan the funeral,chose music and photographs.I was so proud of him,he even managed to stand up and read a poem at his dad's funeral...something I couldn't do myself.
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When my wife and 4 year old daughter died in a car crash I told my surviving 2 year old who had been at nursery that they were very very ill and had had to go away and could'nt come back. A year later a pet rabbit died and I told her it had run away to join the wild rabbits. Eventualy when she was about 4 she asked me if when I said her mum and sister had to go away I meant they had died and I told her that was right. She's now 7 and has learnt she can shock adults into flustered silence by telling them what happened if they do'nt know.
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I always remember saying to my then 3 yr old daughter that she just had to look up into the sky and that the brightest, shining star would be her daddy looking down and watching over her. As something bad was happening and that life would not be the same but that I was always there and that we would be the 'A' team, stupid though it might sound now, then it helped me and her also.
Hard to do when feeling so bad and upset and emotional yourself but something just kicks in and you automatically want to protect your own.
This was just after I had a call from the hospice to tell me that I was needed over there quickly.
We dealt with it together and she came to the funeral as it is important even for little ones to say goodbye, otherwise they go on thinking that one day their (lost) one might come back and just delay the whole grieving period, which is not a good thing.
Better to talk about it.
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How do you explain death to children?
A family death is difficult to explain to anyone adult or child.
Sadly death is a fact of life.
One of the best ways to explain death to children is as a fact of life. They will wordlesly know if they have a pet - say a rabbit or a hamster, that death is the end of the life of their pet. If they can bury the pet, all the better. They will then have a concept of death, and saying goodbye though this concept will be difficult for them to apply to human beings, especially loved ones.
When it comes to telling a child about a sibling or a relative or friend, it is important not to use euphemisms.
However, the child needs to be told quietly and with love and sympathy. Children grieve very deeply, so that the way they are told is very important.
One way is to say that you yourself are feeling very sad. You will probably then be asked why. Then say that we all knew how poorly this person was, and they grew very weak, and couldn't get better. and they died. Talk about how much you all will miss this person, but reassure the child if you are asked, that death happens usually to old and poorly people, and that it is unusual for a child to die, unless like their sibling he was very poorly.
Let the child take this in, little by little, and be there should any more questions be asked answer them, and never never stop or inhibit their expressions of sorrow and yours. If they see you weeping, say why and that you need a cuddle too. Always acknowledge the child's grief.
This worked for us on the death of my son and later the death of my husband.
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This question is impossible to answer but the experts recommend being honest with children and asking them for their views as to how involved they want to be. Reiterating that it is not their fault is meant to help. I do get fed up with being told how resilient children are - they are not resilient, they just cannot comprehend what has happened but have to grieve like the rest of us eventually.
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The news about Ivan has great poignancy for my wife and I. On Feb 24th 1992 our own 6 year old daughter Philippa died at home following a bad cold. Philippa, like Ivan was profoundly disabled; she was blind, had other multiple handicaps and was unable to crawl, talk or feed herself. She had been born like this and there was no explanation for her problems. She had/has an older brother who was 2 years older than her and a younger brother who was/is two years younger. As parents we had gone through the roller coaster of emotions from the moment she was born, having had no prior indication that anything was wrong. We are lucky in that we live on Merseyside and for the first month of her life she lived in Alder Hey hospital who looked after her (and us) magnificently. She first came home on Christmas Eve, but she had many hospital visits and a number of operations during her short life. Again we were lucky that (after a battle with the local authority) we managed to get her into one of only three RNIB run schools for blind babies with serious other disabilities; this was relatively local in Southport. The love and care of the teachers and care staff at that school taught us a great deal about the goodness in people. Philippas' life was never easy and whilst we tried very hard not to let her problems impact on our other children they grew up with her and with an understanding of her difficulties. They showed incredible love for her even when she might bite or scratch them, or cry through one of their favourite programmes. We always explained that she would never be the same as other children, but she was an important part of our family and when she was home we would all play with her, and when she smiled it lit up a room. Our friends and my wife's parents were always there when we needed them. We didn't hide Philippa, she went with us to the shops, on holiday, church (even if she did like to scream and cry through the sermon), if we went out to dinner with friends she would go with us; she brought love where-ever she went.
When she died, it was a major loss and I still feel it now. We were lucky because she died at home and we were able to say goodbye. A very good friend came over when she saw the ambulance and stayed with us until my wife's parents arrived. We held Philippa until the doctor and funeral director came. Our eldest son came down stairs when he heard all the noise and we asked him if he wanted to hold her and say goodbye, which he did. We told him the truth as he was old enough to understand and we later gave him the option of attending her funeral, which he did. He also chose a special soft toy to go with her which we took up to the chapel of rest with him. We explained to our younger son that she had gone to heaven where she would no longer be in pain and she would be able to "live" a happy life.
The week after her death is still a bit of a blur, but I know that my sons' school were told straight away and through our network of friends everyone who knew her was told. We often talked of her with the children (who are now 20 and 26) and we retain very fond memories. It was several months before we could begin to take away some of the things from her bedroom and we still have some of her toys and clothes 17 years on. She was buried locally and in the early years we would visit her grave with our two boys and take flowers which they would put on the grave. We always went on her birthday, at Christmas and on the anniversary of her death. We still visit her grave regularly. Sometimes when work is proving challenging I will visit her grave and spend a quiet time with her. This never fails to put things in perspective.
You never forget a child that has died, but as time goes on the good memories are the ones that stay with you, and friends and family still talk about her. I will never know for sure if what we did was the right thing to do, but I have never regretted handling it the way we did, and our two sons are young men that we are very proud of and whilst they don't often talk about Philippa now, if she does come up in conversation we can talk openly and fondly about her. There has been a lot of talk about how to handle the children who have lost a sibling, but one of the most difficult things for the parents is to maintain a sense of "normality" in the coming weeks for the children whilst coming to terms with their own massive emotional feelings over the loss. David and Samantha are normal people who happen to be in the public view and need to be allowed time to handle their loss in the way that is right for them
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My grandmother died of breast cancer in 1932. My mother was only 9. The 2 of them were very close and my mother recalled that nothing was explained. There was no question of her going to the funeral. She remembers being bundled into a car and driven from home in Yorkshire to a maiden aunt who lived in North London. When she returned home it was as though her mother had never been alive. This experience affected my mother for the rest of her life. She didn't like to get too close to people in case they died as well. (Or in the case of my sister and I she didn't want to be too close to us in case she died when we were children. )
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