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The Six Commandments of Mongrels

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David Thair | 16:50 UK time, Monday, 9 August 2010

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Mongrels writer Jon Brown says...

Every show has its own set of rules. "No hugging, no learning," to quote an over-quoted example. Thing is, the contents of any given sitcom's rulebook only usually become apparent once you've pitched the producer a load of story ideas and he's patiently explaining why NONE of them are quite right. "The characters all hate each other, that's kind of one of the rules of the show." "None of the characters have any money, that's kind of one of the rules of the show." "Gary can only travel back in time to 1940s Blitz-era London and then forward again to the 1990s (and NOT back to 5th century Britain), that's kind of one of the rules of the show."

Well, let's lay this particular rulebook open. So here they are, the Six Commandments of Mongrels:

#1 No puppet jokes -- The immutable law of Mongrels. There can be no jokes about "having a hand up your arse", or "knocking the stuffing out of someone." Never ever ever. Ever.  

#2 Keep the gang together -- You may have noticed, but foxes, cats, pigeons and dogs don't often hang around together embroiling themselves in extended comedic hijinx. Well tough shit, because these ones do. And if you're writing it, it's your job to find problems that keep them together.  

#3 We're in the real world -- Which is why every episode starts on actual humans in the actual human world, before panning to reveal our animals in the margins. The audience needs to know where they are, and who's world this is.  

#4 Cutaways are a law unto themselves -- You can do anything you want in a cutaway. Provided you can persuade Eamonn Holmes' agent it's a good idea.  

#5 You can't end every episode with "then Vince enters and eats everyone" - it's tempting. Especially when you've written Nelson into a corner and he's lumbered with a disabled surrogate runt baby. But just because the real animal kingdom is a brutal place where senseless, random things happen, doesn't mean you can ignore the age-old golden sitcom rules of 'fair play.'

#6 Adding the line "... but with animals" to descriptions of old episodes of Two and a Half Men does NOT constitute a day of storylining - although that never stopped us.  

#7 All rules are made to be broken - except the first one.  

(Finally, anyone interested in reading an Arthurian special of Goodnight Sweetheart, in which Gary Sparrow takes some WD-40 to the Sword in the Stone, please contact my agent.)

Watch the final episode of Mongrels on Tuesday 10th August at 10.30pm on BBC Three.


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  • Comment number 1.

    I have been absolutely loving Mongrels, and my friends have too. I do hope there'll be another season!

    Thank you for rule one. Seriously. While a little bit of 4th-wall breaking can be fun, puppet jokes tear the wall down and micturate upon the rubble.

    Also, wrong 'whose' in rule #3. That one always gets me too.

  • Comment number 2.

    This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

  • Comment number 3.

    I'm not really interested in Mongrels - I watched a couple of episodes and gave up. However, I am keenly interested in acquiring anything you have on Gary Sparrow since, for the last few years, Goodnight Swetheart has occupied parts of my mind that chicks and booze can't even touch. If you have anything...anything...that can take me to that place, then please, I'll take it all.

  • Comment number 4.

    I sure I am not alone in blaming 'Mongrels' for the recent "Urban Fox Hunters" episode in which certain ne'er-do-wells put up film of self-styled anti-fox vigilantes in action. This was gleefully reported by your masters at the BBC. Yet the powers-that-be at the BBC do nothing about your programme: for several weeks you have been portraying East London foxes as aggressive, dangerous and diseased (in one programme Chris Packham from Springwatch described one as 'skanky' ) and in another episode there was a rabid fox infecting domestic dogs - including a very valuable Afghan stud dog - near the Lord Nelson pub.

    We have been shown graphic images of violence, including infanticide, cannibalism, a broken leg with protruding bones and an eviscerated vixen along with heart-rending testimony about the homosexual rape of captive animals. Nothing like the cute and cuddly foxes we see on Springwatch. No wonder the less clued-up locals are up in arms. When will the BBC wake up to this monster sucking at their bosom?

  • Comment number 5.

    Monsters are doing what now?

    If you can get any of that on tape, then we've got us a show!

  • Comment number 6.

    For the record, I'm personally against fox hunting and really like foxes so I can see why you are concerned Vince. However, the video of the 'urban fox hunters' turned out to be a hoax. Also, it turned out they made that video in response to the media frenzy about foxes after those 2 girls got 'attacked by a fox', rather than 'Mongrels'. I personally don't think foxes are portrayed badly in this show...look at Nelson he's metrosexual and really anti-violent. Okay Vince is very aggressive, but if anything I think that it mocks the general viewpoint of people that foxes are actually vicious and aggressive (which is why its so funny Nelson is the opposite). I don't think people will relate real animals to the way the characters act on this show, because at the end of the day it is a comedy and you aren't meant to take it seriously.

    I don't think that it is shows like Mongrels that will make people turn against foxes, but the stories in the media about fox attacks, which seem to be more frequent now that Conservatives have gotten in and are talking about bringing hunting back (coincidence?). I think that the comment about Nelson the fox being 'skanky' was just a nudge at the character rather than at foxes in general. The joke about the other fox which had rabies seemed to be taking the pi** more out of French people than foxes I thought personally.

    Interesting to know what other people think about this though.

  • Comment number 7.

    Well I think since that story came out about the twins getting attacked by a fox, foxes have been seen has dangerous animals. Then when you watch Mongrels and you see a fox like Vince and he seems like the sort of animals who would attack children. Then you see Nelson and think OMG look how lovely he is!! it sort of makes me want to adopt a fox and call it Nelson!! xx also Mongrels is a comedy show like TankedWater said so you can't read to much into the "are foxes bad debate".

    Also I am kind of suprised that they haven't mentioned fox hunting in the episodes (which isn't a bad thing). I personally think hunting foxes is pointless and cruel. Mostly because foxes are not like deer and rabbit which you can eat at restraunts, so why hunt them?. So really I like foxes and just because one fox attacked someone doesn't mean others will and also people won't read to much in how the foxes on Mongrels act because Vince and Nelson are just too likeable!! xxx

  • Comment number 8.

    Yeah Vince is portrayed as attacking just about anyone, but I doubt it's meant to illustrate how foxes act, as the animals on the show act more like humans than animals anyway. Also, as you said ffffion, Vince is actually a likeable character (most people's favourite it seems by the look of facebook).

    They actually did a 'flashback' in the last ep to Nelson commented on hunting being barbaric and showed him being chased by a fox hunt and then again in a 'drag hunt' where has was dressed as a woman, but that's about it. I'd be happy if they put another flashback in where Vince is chasing the hunters with a shotgun or something - I think that'd be really funny. Maybe in season 2?

  • Comment number 9.

    Hello. Vince here. As you know I'm not afriad to speak my mind. But speaking as a fox I'd like to say that I'm well peed off with the downright misleading coverage I'm getting from the BBC. I'm not afraid of saying that I'm in favour of the Brits and Americans making Afghanistan and Iraq into better places for us foxes to live - all that demolition, digging in and living in foxholes is 100% OK by me. It goes down real well on Fox News. Trouble is whenever I try to express myself on air the BBC bleep it out so it sounds like I'm a foul-mouthed cretin. The producer says it's something about being "off message" as their guys in Kabul are rather ratcheting up the expenses and the BBC top-brass bean-counters want them back home ASAP. But they do it all the times to us animals. Do we ever get a word in edgeways? Look what happened to Nelson on Springwatch episode. Oh look they've censored that now.

  • Comment number 10.

    Vince, have you considered your own show on Channel 4? They don't tend to censor as much as the BBC. I know I'd watch it.

  • Comment number 11.

    Apologies for not replying to the Channel4 suggestion. I've been on my holidays to Folkestone where I got into a little bother. You can read about it here:


  • Comment number 12.

    vince how cud you lol thats not nice

  • Comment number 13.

    that is totaly going agenst wat you sied sorry im dislexic

  • Comment number 14.

    a i just thort of some thing how can fox hunting in the contrey side solv urbon foxes the empisist is on urbon

  • Comment number 15.

    Did that kitten call you a **** Vince? Seriously though, all these news stories about killer foxes are starting to annoy me. It's obviously a ploy by the Tories to bring back hunting - which they've already admitted they are planning on doing. The only thing is the majority of the public are against it...but the worry I have is that all these stories are going to brainwash people into thinking foxes are the spawn of Satan.

    Vince, stop attacking babies and kittens, you're giving the Tories an excuse to bring back hunting!

  • Comment number 16.

    come on tanked hunting foxis in the contry side and the toris shud know this dus not by all meen slov the URBUN foxis in citys

  • Comment number 17.

    im nutral by the way

  • Comment number 18.

    oh sorry miss red you argument tanked but that wat pepol shud now killing foxis is not going to slov a thing how leavs there windos open a night that is just saying come rob me now

  • Comment number 19.

    and i agree with you tanked how leavs the windo open at night and about the twins how leavs there door open at night

  • Comment number 20.

    It's appalling the prejudice against foxes. It's a sad day when a diamond East End geezer can't go off to the seaside without being quizzed by the local authorities over some dead kitten that some local bint has blamed on "a fox". Nothing to do with me guv. It's those BBC wallahs out to diss me again.

  • Comment number 21.

    Sorry Vince I didn't mean to point fingers at you. On another related note, I read in the metro today that a third of people now fear foxes and don't encourage them near their homes after all this negative publicity. Really annoying that people will believe whatever they read in the papers. As if foxes didn't have a bad enough rep as it is. Vince, I think that you should go on a tour of the UK and kiss babies like politicians do to try to get votes...it's the only way to stop the impending removal of the fox hunting ban.

  • Comment number 22.

    I wrote a letter in reply to the story in the metro, but in case they don't published I'll post it on here:

    In response to the story about 'a third of animals lovers' being afraid of foxes and not feeding wildlife due to recent news stories about fox attacks (Metro, Thurs), I'm quite disheartened that people are so easily swayed by media reports surrounding two isolated incidents. I'd hope that the public would be sensible enough to know that foxes generally don't pose a danger to humans and fox attacks are extremely rare. I also find it suspicious that there are suddenly increasing reports of fox attacks at a time when the government are discussing plans to bring back fox hunting, and wonder if similar stories of hunting hounds attacking pet cats would get as much publicity, which has been reported before hunting was outlawed.

  • Comment number 23.

    like i seid must the storis are sespishus iv seen lots of foxis in glouctershir got ner one no sine of agreshun thay just looked got clos and whent on there beisnus so yeah vince try the kissing thing but i dont think it will work because most of the puplic are ingnarant to rilys that knife crime is on the rise but thay want to pay more on the so calld fox terros sorry im dislxic

  • Comment number 24.

    Funny thing this, funny thing. When I was being grilled by the rozzers at Folkestone nick on the kitten rap they produced this anonymous note claiming it was me what done it. As I recall the note went something like "It wsa Vins the focs from Lunden how dun it froo the open windo" . With spelling like that I'd blame that cat Marion only it wasn't his writing. It could be a hunt sab or a hunt supporter both of whom used to rely on the persecution of our country cousins for their weekend entertainment.It's ringing Bow Bells in my head. Any ideas?

  • Comment number 25.

    not me my speling my is bad but not that bad kali is got to be kali she evil she like it when pepol suffer

  • Comment number 26.

    Surprised you know about hunt sabbing Vince. Although hunt sabs don't sab hunts for entertainment haha - believe me it's not fun...I'm suspicious about theunknownone though as it's similar to his style of writing.

  • Comment number 27.

    come on im not that bad is kali you now wat she is like plus i like vince he a proper english fox

  • Comment number 28.

    is wat we need to tech the chickens hows boss

  • Comment number 29.

    o and what is hunt sabbing by the way never herd of it

  • Comment number 30.

    unknownone: sabbing is basically disruption of a hunt by varying methods of controlling the hounds, such as masking the scent of a fox with spray, using one of the horns the hunt use to get the hounds to stop chasing an animal and mimicking the calls of the hunt to try to control the hounds. You have to chase after a hunt who are normally on horseback up and down hills for miles and are ocassionaly threatened by the hunt and its supporters. Now hunting has been banned, it can be as simple as bringing a video camera out with you to put the hunt off killing as the footage can be used to prosecute them in court.

  • Comment number 31.

    ok thanx i still think is kali no wate she hate humans scrach that how could it be not me my righting is not that bad kali cant she ploting agenst humans. nalson not fox enuth. desany its her the afgan hound she cant stand vince i pig desany no wate she tride to you know do stuf to vince bugger this is hard the only over ones are the rats and thay cant use a pen so yeah vince sorry mate dont know how set you up

  • Comment number 32.

    I love the direction this messageboard has taken haha

  • Comment number 33.

    lol vince is busy with seris 2 mongrels but yeah if you of vince has face book add me my name is brett evans with pic of vince

  • Comment number 34.

    that of is ment to be or

  • Comment number 35.

    You're telling me hunt sabbing isn't fun? It's more trouble than it's worth believe me. One minute you're leading a hunt full-tilt through a picture postcard village stuffed with townies for maximum damage effect before coasting off home for a well-earned kip, the next thing two over-dressed eejits with cravats over their faces jump you, stuff you in the boot of a clapped out Renault and you're heading off to their mummy's fortified des-res cum safe house in leafy Hampstead. I ask you. If they hadn't parked up at the Finchley Road Waitrose for some celebratory bubbly Julia Bradbury only knows what would of happened.

  • Comment number 36.

    Sorry Vince that won't happen again mate - I didn't realize you actually had the hunt under control all along. Didn't mean to ruin your fun.

    On an un-related note, I think that theunknownnote is actually the rabbit who escaped from the animal testing lab just in time.

  • Comment number 37.

    no im the cat vince pind down and hang on on minet is it cuz of my righting you think im a bleeping rabbit. back to how i am im the cat you inslaved in that box and no i never set you up but how ever did i aplord them yeah one more thing tall nalson medal class not my sort of thing the beeping bleep stupit bleep thing

  • Comment number 38.

    I re-watched some clips and I can really picture theunknownone as Bobby the rabbit. I think that he wants revenge on you Vince for calling him a twitchy ****


  • Comment number 39.

    i dide i meen he dide got ran over by a bus

  • Comment number 40.

    AHA! You accidentaly admitted it's you...'I dide'...and we didn't see the bus run you over...maybe you wanted us to think that. I think this rabbit is more clever than he looks.

  • Comment number 41.

    you got mee i am the rabbit but i didnot set up vince o shiny thing

  • Comment number 42.

    then explain the letter

  • Comment number 43.

    that was not me it it...it was kali she ...she made me do it

  • Comment number 44.

    Vince...what more proof do you need?

  • Comment number 45.

    bleep but tanked how r you the scotish heghog or mmmmmmmm one of vince slavs and you wernt in it with me hahahahahahahahahahaha

  • Comment number 46.

    toy did not respond so i think your hiding som thing

  • Comment number 47.

    Aye mon! Ye discovered me! Am actually tha hedgehog Vince beat up Resevoir Dogs style. I want me revenge mon!

  • Comment number 48.

    hahahahahahahah im to good how did you do it trik me and him at the same time

  • Comment number 49.

    Av bin plottin' ageenst Vincey ever since he beat me up and called me a hibernating ****** and now revenge will be mineeeee!

  • Comment number 50.

    i made you think i was the rabbit but im not im dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun.............nalson go away i dont a elbedo cds i dont like em where was i a yes im ...................... one of vinces brother vice

  • Comment number 51.

    thank you for the info

  • Comment number 52.

    hay tanked if you want my facebook is brett evans with a pic of vince and my email is brettevo-94@hotmail.co.uk you and me cud get along if you hav face bookand y dont you vince

  • Comment number 53.

    Well well. A most curious state of affairs this morning. It looks like a final script session for "Eastenders" (only the spelling's better.) But to business.

    Frankly when you're a fox it's hard to tell hunters and sabs apart - two bunches of posh townie folk with nothing better to do of a morning. You just know it's going to be a bad day. Give me Millwall v West Ham anytime. Sabs don't know the trouble they cause - at least with the hunt you have a good where you're going to be sleeping that night (although it does sometimes go pear-shaped if they catch someone out after a night on the tiles). But with sabs you have no idea - when you find yourself turfed out on some other fox's patch they don't exactly put out the flags for you, believe me. A least the hunts do their bit for making life as unpleasant as possible for people to live in the country and what fox is going to argue with that? Townie sabs screw it up by taking the fox out of the equation and sticking it in their back garden. It's like hitting the big snake in Snakes & Ladders. Now the cities are now full of foxes forced to compete with pensioners and asylum seekers for the contents of wheelie bins. No wonder hunting got banned.

    When I was approached by the people behind "Mongrels" it was sold to me as being a trendy & radical forum for my radical foxist views, e.g. that the East End should be bombed back into the early 1950s to make it a better place for foxes to live and the feeling on the street is that its current demography seems to feel much the same. 5-11 ain't the half of it. Unfortunately although "Mongrels" is a reality TV programme, it's made by the BBC and as such is subject to all the cutesy overpaind editorial foibles of that organisation. Result - every time I open my mouth to make my case the words get beeped out because some junior producer with a degree in Current Affairs and a hand up his arse can't tell the difference between foxism and fascism and is afraid to let on. Are you having a laugh BBC? Free speech anyone? For fox sake!

  • Comment number 54.

    I'm afraid I don't do things like Facebook or Twitter. We have Foxbook. It has its standards (they include spelling, Bert!) And no humans. But I'm sure if you go looking on human Facebook you'll find some saddo sitting in a bedsit tapping away at the keyboard effing and blinding like they think a real fox would only it's all based on some lefty BBC producer's editorial copout. Twitter? On Twitter you'd just get that Stephen Fry to do it for you. He does all the celebrities. Nothing better to do I guess.

  • Comment number 55.

    Well I never I've been repressed! How quaint. When I was approached by the people behind "Mongrels" it was sold to me as being an edgy & radical forum for my radical foxist views, e.g. that the East End should be bombed back into the early 1950s to make it a better place for foxes and judging by the contents of the brighter-coloured newspapers I seem to be up at the cutting edge with the zeitgeist. Unfortunately "Mongrels" is a reality TV programme, only made by the BBC and as such is subject to all the cutesy editorial foibles of that organisation,. Result - every time I open my mouth to make my case the words get beeped out because some junior producer with a hand up his arse can't tell his foxism from his fascism and is afraid to let on. Are you having a laugh BBC? Free speech anyone? For fox sake.

  • Comment number 56.

    You mean the Vince Fox on facebook isn't the real Vince? Why would the BBC do such a thing? On the DVD documentary it said that part of the reason for making Mongrels was for people to fall in love with wildlife again, so I don't think that your views would have been appropriate for that Vince. Isn't it a good thing that the public view of foxes may have improved based on the show? Especially considering the other stuff we discussed about negative media. Like I said, if you want free speech try Channel 4, but I think they're more interested in chicken welfare. Saying that, they did do a documentary called 'meet the foxes' a while back (where you on that?). That being said, I agree with your comments about making places more habitable for foxes, although don't think bombing is a good way of going about it - talking about bombing places will get you arrested for terrorism...unless you work in the government that is.

  • Comment number 57.

    How ironic Vince, while talking about the BBC bleeping your comments on the show, your posts get deleted!

  • Comment number 58.

    Oh me repressed again. It is rather ironic isn't it? Someone at BBC Blogwatch doesn't know their 20th century history do they? Perhaps they should watch the "Mongrels" DVD to see what this blog is about.

    So...let's talk about something uncontroversial like the foxhunting ban and how it's possible to love wildlife tooooooooo much. Frankly when you're a fox it's hard to tell hunters and sabs apart - two bunches of posh townie people with nothing better to do of a morning except fight over who is going to give Brer Fox a bad time. Give me Millwall v West Ham anyday. At least with the hunt you have a good idea where you're going to be sleeping that night though it does sometimes go pear-shaped if they catch someone out after a night on the tiles. But with sabs you have no idea - when you find yourself turfed out on some other fox's patch they don't exactly put out the flags for you, believe me. At least the hunts do their bit for making life as unpleasant as possible for people to live in the country and what fox is going to argue with that? Townie sabs screw it up by taking the fox out of the equation and sticking it in their back garden. For the fox it's like hitting the big snake in Snakes & Ladders or being the bridegroom left naked and handcuffed to a lamppost after a stag do. So now the cities are now full of displaced foxes who compete with the pensioners and asylum seekers for the contents of takeaway restaurant wheelie bins. No wonder hunting got banned.

  • Comment number 59.

    just to clarafy tanked you talking about ironk stuf. vince your on foxbook.
    and talking about fox hunting and sab hunting and how is can bleep up your day sabbed i meen. and im in the middal of it all sweet ok i miss enything

  • Comment number 60.

    Vince I don't know what sabs you come across, but when sabs are sabbing, they don't actually catch foxes and move them, they distract the hounds away from the fox. How would sabs catch a fox in the first instance?

  • Comment number 61.

    You could do worse than google "rescued a fox" but not http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1321202/Hunt-saboteur-is-bitten-by-cornered-fox.html

    Meanwhile I think I shall get Bert to translate my offending contribution into dyslexia-speak to see if that makes a foxist stance more acceptable to those who missed out on the significance of the WW2 Blitz in their GSCEs (when the Germans attempted to bomb the East End of London back into the Stone Age.) It might get through under the auspices of one of the many BBC's affirmative action pro-disability policies. I dunno - you try to present modern history from the viewpoint of a fox on the "Mongrels" blog and the BBC will have none of it! Surely that's the wrong sort of foxism? Roll on Autumnwatch...

  • Comment number 62.

    Poor fox must have been terrified, no wonder he bit the sab. The person was obviously trying to save the fox which had been cornered though (and might have been killed by the hounds). I'm sure that they wouldn't have just released the fox somewhere else but in the same area as sabs generally tend to have at least a basic idea of how ecosystems work. In any case this was back in 2001.

    You are going to appear on Autumnwatch Vince? Thought that they rejected you on Springwatch?

  • Comment number 63.

    Autumnwatch? Got the script right here along with an offer for "Mongrels 2". It seems the money-crazed "Mongrels" team have sold out and that's going to be scripted too with loads of product placement. Apparently too many complaints about people not being able to hear what one of the characters was saying and too much happiness on set. Meanwhile my campaign to "Make Hoxton Foxton" continues. I've stuck "Foxton" protest placards ouside loads of the houses.

  • Comment number 64.

    Wow, I'm surprised you're going to go for another season of Mongrels after they censored you so much on the last series mate. Before you sign any contracts make sure that they give you more scenes in series 2 than series 1, and don't let them censor your views. Looking forward to Autumnwatch too - are you going to KO another cock garage? No idea where Hoxton is but all the best with your campaign. Foxton does sound better than Hoxton. In fact why stop there, why not campaign to get London called Foxdon?

  • Comment number 65.

    So what'a happened to Bert the unknownone? I suppose that if you're dyslexic saddling yourself with a 13-letter userid is not the smartest move. And of course there's a password on top of that... but once again to business.

    Hoxton is (or was) part of the traditional East End with an entrenched working class community and a very unsuitable place for foxes to live in what with all the thrift and those pesky whippets walking the streets at all hours...

    I found that by sticking a "Foxton" sign outside a house and indulging in a bit of late-night courtship and bin-rattling even the most entrenched of whippet owners could be persuaded to leave to be replaced by a stream of transients, undesirables and shiftless social parasites far more tolerant of rats and foxes and other wildlife. Indeed many of the "Mongrels" team now either reside within the said vicinity or aspire to do so.

    So the "Make Hoxton Foxton" campaign is going great guns and I'm very disappointed you haven't heard of it especially given the carrier bags full of used high denomination banknotes that has been handed over to bring Springwatch and Autumnwatch to the area to promote it. That Simon King doesn't come cheap. Once again "Make Hoxton Foxton"!

  • Comment number 66.

    I think that Bobby the rabbit (aka the unknownone) must have got caught and put back into the research laboratory, the poor guy. Wonder if he escapes again...

    Foxton (not Hoxton) sounds like a nice place to live, I'd move there if I worked in London. The only wildlife I get where I live is the neighbour's cat and magpies which always wake me up of a morning. Never really lived anywhere where there are foxes - I'd always leave some food out if there was.

    Apparently there was a story on the news about a woman who got her ear bitten by a fox that got into her house recently...you wouldn't know anything about that would you Vince? Haha. Seriously, all these stories about fox attacks are getting ridiculous. At least my letter got published in the metro (on Monday), so hopefully if people see that they'll actually put 2 and 2 together and realize it's a ploy by the Tories to make foxes look bad so they can repel the Hunting Act.

    I'm not really one of the dozen or so virgins and old people that tends to watch Sring/Autumwatch so wouldn't have heard of Hoxton, although I might watch this years Autumwatch if there are some BAFTA shots of foxes.

  • Comment number 67.

    im back and vince my name is spelt brett with two Ts and no i forgot my passwerd but im back and i wont forget it agen and vince wat do you want me to tracelate to dislixic speac

  • Comment number 68.

    I've missed you Brett...the conversation wasn't the same without you.

  • Comment number 69.

    One of the unfortunate side-effects of the hunting ban from the hunt saboteurs' perspective was that it effectively removed their primary reason to exist at weekends while failing to prevent other groups of people from riding around the countryside accidentally nobbling a few foxes along the way - a process as unlikely to to control fox numbers as fantasies of ear-nibbling is unlikely to stem the flow of would-be barrister babes to that profession. No, compared to the twin evils of foxicidal farmers and townie boy racers the hunts are nothing to us foxes - the loss of their fox-breeding programmes has been much harder to take. Since this realisation sank in with those frustrated hunt saboteurs contemplating their now-empty lives they have used every opportunity to goad the current government into repealing the hunting ban by raising the issue at every turn. Meanwhile somewhat counter-intuitively the proscription of fox-killing has led to an increase in the number of people 'riding to hounds'. You couldn't make it up. Ah the prospect of idyllic autumn afternoons with man and fox engaged in mutually rewarding recreation! My ginger pulse quickens at the thought of being pursued across the countryside by a jodpurs-wearing Julia Bradbury. Resistance is futile. My legs turn to water... "I'm... a lawyer" I murmur as she sinks her teeth into my ear...

  • Comment number 70.

    Which all goes a long way towards explaining the state of my left ear (see http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/comedy/images/vince_250x150.jpg )

    And apologies to Bertt for missing out that second T. Yes, there is a little piece that needs some translation.

  • Comment number 71.

    Seems like you are looking forward to the hunt ban being repelled Vince, but what about foxes that aren't as fast as yourself that will suffer as a result of it? They can't use population control as an argument cause they kill more foxes lamping anyway, which is what I'm told time and time again by the chavs who take part in that when I take a stand against hunting. I think that there should be better laws protecting wildlife not just from hunts but in general it should be illegal to harm all wildlife in any way. As a fox I'm sure you'd agree? As part of your plan to make Britain more suitable for foxes I think the campaign has to start with a law stopping people from hurting wildlife...that way nobody can legally interfere with your plans to bomb the whole East End, cause you'll be protected by the law.

    I had always wondered about your ear Vince, now I know why. I would have thought you got into a fight with another fox but now I know better.

  • Comment number 72.

    is ok mate evey one dos it but but about your ear i now haw you feel i lost my right ear and got a pan stuk to me head with some sort of wier from the reserch place and one eye im bleeped up dame i hate the bleep mishean but i cant find a pic of me dam it

  • Comment number 73.

    My message has been removed by the BBC...like Vince I'm being silenced haha. Although I think I know why they removed it - I may have mentioned the B-word...don't mention bombs Vince and Brett (I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it). Anyway, my original message sans B-word:

    Seems like you are looking forward to the hunt ban being repelled Vince, but what about foxes that aren't as fast as yourself that will suffer as a result of it? They can't use population control as an argument cause they kill more foxes lamping anyway, which is what I'm told time and time again by the chavs who take part in that when I take a stand against hunting. I think that there should be better laws protecting wildlife not just from hunts but in general it should be illegal to harm all wildlife in any way. As a fox I'm sure you'd agree? As part of your plan to make Britain more suitable for foxes I think the campaign has to start with a law stopping people from hurting wildlife...cause as a fox you'll be protected by the law.

    I had always wondered about your ear Vince, now I know why. I would have thought you got into a fight with another fox but now I know better.

  • Comment number 74.

    i agre with tanked i got put in to a bleeping reserch senter had a pan stuk to me head had me eye carved out and probes stuk in sertan places i dont want to menchun

  • Comment number 75.

    Sorry to hear about your sad story Bobby, I'm glad you didn't get killed by the double decker bus that ran over you...guess that pan in your head helped cushion the blow.

  • Comment number 76.

    yep it ded made my me more you now r ded

  • Comment number 77.

    I couldn't understand the logic of it either - as a fox I could refer to the German attempts to bomb the East End back to the Stone Age (aka the Blitz) as part of Fascism but not to speculate that it would be a better place for foxes if it was bombed back to the early 1950s (i.e. post-Blitz) as part of Foxism. What's so good about the Stone Age and so bad about the Fifties? And why does Fascism get a better deal with the BBC than Foxism? This wouldn't happen on Springwatch.

  • Comment number 78.

    Condolences to Bertt. Phew! That Julia Bradbury eh? That woman doesn't know her own strength but her cooking technique may leave something to be desired.. It sounds like you got off lightly Bertt - she may have been practising for this


    More haste less speed eh? A good job it wasn't Glenn Close - she'd have known to use a larger pan. Anyway it explains why you coulddn't find an appropriate photo on the "Mongrels" page - it's because you've wandered in from the cookery show being filmed next door. These things happen if you cut corners and film a reality show in a studio complex.

  • Comment number 79.

    Looks like my post wasn't offensive after all cause they put it back up - so now I repeated myself. Sorry about that. Vince I think the problem was you referred to the Blitz, but you actually said it would be good for a part of England to actually get blown up...and posting stuff like that on moderated messageboards is bound to attract attention, whether you are a fox or not. BBC are definately foxist though, what will all the stories about fox attacks, but that's just the media in general I think. Springwatch just want footage of you banging other foxes, they don't really care about your political views.

    Whatever Julia Bradbury did to Bertt, she obviously didn't finish the job. Maybe she's doing a new show 'catch it, cage it, experiment on it'?

  • Comment number 80.

    I doubt she has time in her current schedule for another show! As to poor old Bertt well I don't suppose he volunteered for a starring role in an episode of Julia Bradbury's "Kill it Cook It Eat It" - what animal would? I suspect he probably answered one of those dodgy small ads looking for 'medical research volunteers' in return for salad. Interesting to know that the BBC are still making snuff movies though. Not exactly the moral high ground but very retro-chic. And another box ticked for the BBC Natural History Film Unit.

  • Comment number 81.

    hang about it was her that turnd me in to frek of this living would the bleep

  • Comment number 82.

    Bertt/Brett/Bobby why did you volunteer? I would have given you salad mate.

    Vince you can't go on about moral highground when you want to take out a portion of England. There's a flaw in your plan anyway Vince...if you take out the East End of London along with all the people there, where are you meant to get your food from, seein as urban foxes get their food from takeaways and rubbish left by humans...take humans out of the equation and what have you got? You'll have to hunt for your food instead! In my idealistic world foxes and humans...and rabbits...live in peace together! Why can't we all just get along?!

  • Comment number 83.

    yeah if you tack out the east end you wunt hav eastenders even now i dont like it but still and vince can you tall nalson to leav me alone i dont like eldebo

  • Comment number 84.

    What's eldebo Brett?

  • Comment number 85.

    that band nalson likes i cant spell it like most things

  • Comment number 86.

    hi bobby i want my CD? i need it now martin flamun vince your on here long time no rudy bloody see. see you guys met brett (aka bobby the rudy rabbit)

  • Comment number 87.

    Christ Jesus! It is Nalson! Mah favourite character from Mongrels! Well...it is exciting for me...

    Bobby's okay, he's just a misunderstood rabbit, right Bobby?

  • Comment number 88.

    nalson my old mate how the bleeping hell are you STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT THE CD i dont hav it you gav it to deby befor you the incedant with the microwave the bleep tryd to kill you senc when did you a a bbc id

  • Comment number 89.

    dont remind me about her. i had the id for a long time just been chating to a human lady i hope on that face book i dont want it to be a chicken agen like befor. i still got the blood stane on my aprun

  • Comment number 90.

    who in the name of Julia Bradbury is Nalson?

    Meanwhile the "Make Hoxton Foxton" East End clearance got back into gear very nicely last week - after the initial setback of failing to burn down the Lord Nelson at the end of the series, I can report that the "Eastenders" pub has successfully been torched. No-one was killed and I can see more "Foxton" notices going up in the Albert Square area in the next few days. So it's a win-win-win situation.

  • Comment number 91.

    Nalson, Bobby, we must work together to thwart Vince's plans of destroying East End London. He's already destroyed one pub and we can't let him destroy any more. The smoking ban and economic downturn has already made it hard enough for pubs as is. At first I was in agreement with him to turn Hoxton to Foxton, but he's obsessed with torching places now and destroying entire regions! I just wanted London to be more suitable for foxes, but Vince has taken things a step further and is trying to destroy the damn place! He's lost his mind!

  • Comment number 92.

    im fine still at the vet after being blown up by marion

  • Comment number 93.

    bob marly vince you evil bleep you burnt the dam pub i was going to drink there oh im angry with you

  • Comment number 94.

    WHAT VINCE YOU EVIL BIG BLEEP nalson you a fox right what are your iders on the toris ploy to bring back fox hunting cuz vince has gon mental even to his standerds

  • Comment number 95.

    im in tanked lets stop vince

  • Comment number 96.

    how can i help vince most be stoped. im a fox and vince has got more mental than when i was in mongrels

  • Comment number 97.

    I think that we can tackle this diplomatically. Vince seems like a reasonable fox after all. Surely together we can convince him that he's making a big mistake. Vince, come on man, you are going too far with this plot. Did you learn nothing from 5/11? If anything it shows that these things never work out.

  • Comment number 98.

    i now im still in the vet after what marion did but you made him do it

  • Comment number 99.

    Nalson you're making about as much sense as Bobby...did Julia Bradbury get a hold of you too?

  • Comment number 100.

    It certainly looks like another botched "Kill it Cook It Eat It" episode doesn't it?
    It's clear that in "Kill it Cook It Eat It" that it's the "Cook It" part that JB has trouble with and you have to sympathise: when you're rushing around the great outdoors shooting all manner of adventure activity shows and living off the land a girl simply doesn't have the time to cook properly for herself, if indeed she cooks at all. Now as a fox and I'm quite used to eating my food raw but I've been an urban fox for long enough to know that humans do things rather differently. Maybe the only way of house-training her was to incorporate cookery lessons into an activity show format? Didn't RTE do the same with Jedward's potty training?


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