We Are Klang and the dog snog
We Are Klang's Marek writes...
The best thing about doing a television series is you can write scenes into scripts that give you the opportunity to do something that would never normally happen in real life. For some people this might be driving expensive sports cars or getting chatted up by beautiful women, but in my case it's getting off with a dog.
So the day of the big scene arrived, I was feeling very nervous and even brushed my teeth twice. I arrived on set and was introduced to the dog handler.
When you imagine a dog handler, you might think of someone slightly quirky, maybe wearing scruffy clothes with a slight disregard for personal appearance. What you don't want to see is a man who is wearing little more than a potato sack, with homemade gloves, a man who looks like they've tried too hard at a sex offender look-a-like party. If this wasn't disconcerting enough, for some reason he was holding a massive stick. I don't know anyone over seven who deems it acceptable to hold a massive stick in public unless they have walking difficulties.
The assistant director thought it would be a good idea for me to meet the dog before I got off with it, that way both of us would feel more relaxed about getting intimate in front of camera. The following is an excerpt from the conversation between myself and the dog handler.
Dog Handler: Hello.
Marek: They're nice gloves.
Dog Handler: Yes, homemade.
Marek: What's the stick for?
Dog Handler: Holding on to.
Marek: Oh right. I suppose I should say hello to your dog.
Dog Handler: Yes, this is Maggie.
Dog Handler gestures to swollen looking Jack Russell, with a really manky ass.
Marek: Hello Maggie.
Dog Handler: Yes, she's been on heat all week, got herself into a real state, so I thought I'd better get her out of the house as she kept on bothering the sheep.
Marek: Maybe you should have chosen another dog?
Dog Handler: No, no, she seems to have calmed down a bit now.
Despite being a bit concerned that Maggie had been face deep in sheep's asses all week, I still went ahead with the scene (which is in episode five). Maggie almost bit my face off when it came to giving her a little peck on the cheek. I then returned to filming base to discover the real dog handler waiting with four pristine well groomed dogs in tow. What I had in fact got off with was an unwashed, untrained dog, belonging to an extra, who was possibly mentally ill. Life has never been so exciting.
We Are Klang continues tonight at 10.30pm on BBC Three. Read more from Klang and watch extra video in our Klang blog archive.