Northwich Victoria led the way with a 1-0 win over Charlton, described by one embarrassed fan as "like having a row with your missus in public".

Addick1965 on the Charlton Life messageboard groaned after the game: "Nothing to shred/punch/kick/break/sold my old Slayer stuff...so I thought I'd have a nice bath and now the damn water has gone off...nothing, nada...no pressure at all and it appears it's just in my house as the neighbour's water is fine...so ends a terrific day :( "

I must admit I had a bit of trouble remembering which teams were non-league and which weren't. Seeing the likes of Luton and York cast in the minnows' role seemed quite odd, while I could have sworn Mansfield were in the league last time I looked.

Meanwhile over at the Kassam Stadium (hang on a minute, what happened to the Manor Ground?) the roles were reversed as those perennial giant-killers of old, Yeovil, were sent packing by Oxford, winners of the League Cup a few years back - a dark day I have tried to blank from my memory.

In between winning the heavyweight title and hob-nobbing with Michael Caine, David Haye found time to watch his beloved Millwall take on AFC Wimbledon.

Before the game, Dons midfielder Ricky Wellard was anticipating a rough ride in the Lions' Den, admitting: "I always get a bit of stick from opposition fans - they do a Bianca and scream 'Rickaaaay!' at me."

Sadly for Wellard, Millwall managed to hold on to their lead - unlike Robbie Jackson when the player's namesake was run over in Albert Square.

For Haye it rounded off a perfect three days following his win over Nikolay Valuev. My colleague Honest Frank, who boasts of close ties with the champ (he met him for the first time on Monday) informs me Haye is a mate of Strictly Come Dancing star Jade Johnson and may appear on the show at some stage to lend his support. Frank has already written Brucie's introduction for the boxer..."Let's get ready to rumba!"

In the red corner, Liverpool's season shows no signs of improving after they were held at home by Birmingham. Rafa Benitez's men earned a point thanks to the theatrics of David Ngog - the biggest dive I've seen since reacquainting myself with the local boozer a couple of weeks back.

While Liverpool flounder, Chelsea go from strength to strength, opening up a five-point gap at the top thanks to their controversial win over Manchester United. A series of decisions in the build-up to Chelsea's goal left Sir Alex Ferguson performing his Kevin the Teenager routine on the touchline and he has been sent to his room for the next two games to think about what he's done.

Rooney also got into the act at Chelsea, mouthing "12 men" to the TV cameras - a supposed snipe at the referee - or perhaps he'd just been asked what you would need to lift Steve Bruce.
What do you mean there's no pies left?
The Sunderland boss was pictured on a beach, under the headline 'Bruce Wobblar', looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders - or more accurately, inside his tummy. Still, it explains why Darren Bent went missing against Spurs - the gaffer had eaten him.

When Sam Allardyce was sacked by Newcastle last year, Bruce joked: "I am sure we will see pictures of Big Sam in his Speedos walking along a beach somewhere. That won't be a pretty sight." You said it, Brucie.

The former Manchester United defender was more complimentary about Andy Reid when revealing the secret to his midfielder's new slimline look. Bruce explained: "He's stopped putting things in his throat basically - it's quite simple." Ahem.

Reid failed to make the Republic of Ireland squad for the first leg of the World Cup play-off with France, a tie that has seen Pat Rice Evra develop a strange phobia.

The big French defender said: "I've had the impression for days that people have been wearing green on purpose.

"Maybe it's just my imagination but the other day I opened a can of Sprite, took a good look at it and decided I had to swap it for another drink. The moment I see anything green I think about the Republic of Ireland." Must have made for a tough few days out on the training pitch.

Meanwhile, England prepared to take on Brazil without the services of David Beckham, involved in play-off duties of his own with the Galaxy. Thankfully he's seen sense and got the beard-trimmer out, but has suddenly developed a blond quiff.

It reminds me of my mis-spent youth as a psychobilly when I'd follow The Meteors around the country and throw myself into the moshpit for a spot of 'wrecking' - a dance where you thrust your arms out repeatedly in front of you. Only trouble was, I was a foot shorter than some of the real meatheads and ended up getting repeatedly punched in the face. Great days.

Stop press: My boss has just walked through the door and announced that Beckham in fact looks like Jedward. Darnit, why didn't I think of that?

Joining Becks on the England sidelines is Frank Lampard with a thigh strain (incurred because the plane the squad flew in was too small, if you believe The Sun). Lampard's free-kick set up the winner against Man Utd, although the main talking point was the Chelsea fan caught by the cameras casually brushing his teeth during the game. Or Cole-gate as it's now known.
The tooth is out there somewhere
After an appeal on 5 live's 606 phone-in, a man claiming to be the culprit told Spoony: "I was wanting to get to the game and I put it [the toothbrush] in my pocket and forgot to brush my teeth. I thought no one was looking. I always brush my teeth before I go anywhere. I thought no one was looking at me."

Spoony then felt obliged to ask why the fan was wearing sunglasses while the floodlights were on and he replied: "I saw my ex-girlfriend at the game. The reason I was wearing sunglasses was to disguise my face." Yep, that worked.

And finally, the non-toothbrush story of the week involved Liam Gallagher, who pulled on his boots to play in a charity match for Berkhamsted (a phrase no doubt often used in anger when his brother used to reside in the leafy London suburb).

A team-mate said: "He raced up and down the wing and came close to scoring a few times. Then he stayed until 1am drinking and telling stories. He even played the lads some new songs." It's good to know Liam realises the importance of being idol.

Have a good weekend one and all. I'm off to Brixton Academy on Saturday for a spot of Dad-dancing to Carter USM, famed for their 'You Fat B******' anthem. Steve Bruce is not expected to attend.

OTHER STUFF
Franck Ribery scares shoppers
Rio and Kano Karaoke
Sven tissues ad
Sorry, no toothbrush vid - but type 'Chelsea teeth' into a well-known video website and you should get some joy.

Courtesy of Off The Post and Whoateallthepies

"He's stopped putting things in his throat basically. It's quite simple. I'll take a leaf out of his book!"
Steve Bruce on the secret to Andy Reid's new slimline look.

"It wasn't so much taming the Beast - more like playing with a tabby cat."
And dismisses the challenge of 7ft giant Nikolay Valuev.

"Old ladies are worrying for my health and wishing me luck against this big Bully."
It's the blue-rinse brigade what won it for Haye, following his revelation on the eve of the fight.

"That's pretty special. Look at that fella!"
Nick Faldo examines his medal after being knighted by the Queen.

"Someone texted me saying he's a bit like I used to be, but more athletic, funnier and better-looking."
Martin Johnson, not jealous of new England second row Courtney Lawes.

"I cannot believe the decision (of the referee). Okay, it is human error, but it was one of the worst in my lifetime."
Alex Ferguson is not best pleased after seeing Darren Fletcher booked wrongly for diving in the Champions League clash with CSKA Moscow.

"You lose your faith in the refereeing sometimes...it was a bad one."
Guess who after defeat at Chelsea.

"12 men."
Wayne Rooney mouths his feelings to the cameras at Stamford Bridge.

"If you walk through a storm you hold your head up high, so that is what we will do."
Rafa Benitez Never Walks Alone.

"It is true. I got the injury at 19 when I was climbing a tree looking for a neighbour's cat. I ended up as a hero in my village because I saved the cat.
Unfortunately, I also fell out of the tree and injured my knee."
Leonid Slutski, Juande Ramos' successor as CSKA Moscow coach, on the bizarre end to his playing career.

"It is nice to be out on the golf course, you can only rearrange the furniture at home so many times."
Ryder Cup star Paul Casey abandons feng shui on his return from injury.
Flintoff can pick 'n' mix his games these days
"I'd like to play in Australia. I wanted to go when I was 16 but my mum wouldn't let me so I went to work in Woolworth's instead."
Freddie Flintoff - finally big enough to do what he wants.

"I don't think it struck his arm, it was more his elbow."
Joe Royle, ESPN commentary during Wolves v Arsenal. (Tink, UK).

"If you don't score at this level, unfortunately you aren't going to get a win."
Steve Bruce. At what level can you win without scoring, Steve? (Nick Dwyer, Staffordshire).

"At this level you've got to score goals to win matches."
Mark Lawrenson commenting on 5 live after Andriy Voronin's miss in the Lyon-Liverpool match.
(Ian Pilbeam, Scotland).

"David Wright's second-half goal at Portman Road on Saturday secured the Sussex side's first victory..."
In the Metro newspaper on Monday No wonder Ipswich are struggling to win if they are going to the wrong county. (CASROB).

"I will ask the medical staff to take as long as they need to try to get him back into shape as quickly as they can."
Fulham boss Roy Hodgson on Damian Duff.

"A racehorse ain't always gonna be the same, you've just got to be consistent and try and make it the same. We're the same, we're racehorses -- we're all racehorses really -- we're just trying to do our jobs properly."
Burton defender Guy Branston's insight into their current performance. (Richard Cripps, UK).

"That's a foul on Ivanovic and the referee blows up straight away."
Heard on the MOTD commentary of Bolton v Chelsea. (Jude, UK).
Do Chelsea's dynamic duo float your boat?
"I think if you asked the other 19 managers who would they choose, 10 would take Anelka and Drogba and 10 would take Rooney and Berbatov."
Andy Gray when asked which of the two striking partnerships are better. (Adam Moynihan, Ireland).

"I tell the players, when you have a headache you go and take a tablet. When you are on the back foot, the football industry is full of vultures so it's like when you have a headache, take a tablet. A win will be like a tablet."
Gold Coast United manager Miron Bleiberg attempting a Mourinho-ism. (Matty, Australia).

"Hang on a second lads, there's a wasp here, lets wait for it to go away."
Referee just before scrummage at a Chobham v Weybridge Vandals under 16s game. (James, England). Weybridge Vandals?! Ed.

"Kompany and company have a chaotic moment!"
Martin Tyler when Man City failed to clear against Fulham. (Pramod, India).

"United's victory sends them into the next stage of the Champions League."
Caption under the picture on the BBC website. But I thought 3-3 was a draw, not a win. (Libby Curran, USA).

"If he's lied, and he's confessed he lied, so he's obviously lied and he lied under oath."
Wada director general David Howman thinks Andre Agassi might have lied. (Feloola Elizabeth Stanley, UK).

"Former Australia winger Lote Tuqiri came on for his first Leicester start on 55 minutes."
BBC Sport Website. (Jonny Smith, Northern Ireland).

"I don't think the ref heard the linesman put his flag up there!"
Sky Sports commentator in the Barca game. (Adam).

"Vennegoor of Hesselink's second goal of the future earned Hull a critical three points."
Caption below the photo in the Hull-Stoke article on this site, quickly edited out but worth noting for posterity! (ShinyDavidHowell).

''The referee seems to have swallowed his whistle."
Commentator on the Milan-Real Madrid clash after the referee didn't call a number of fouls. (Billmarkenya).

"The U's playing in all leather. Leather?! I mean't yellow..."
Neil Kelly, BBC Essex. Bromley v Colchester United. (Joebo, UK).
Isn't that.....no, it can't be
"And Madrid are to make a change here, and it's the lesser-spotted Ruud van Nistelrooy."
Commentary during the Milan-Madrid game. (Mark Spivey, England).

"Man City will be aiming to finish in the top four this season, but anything other than that will be a bonus."
Alan Shearer on MOTD - implying they'd rather finish outside the top four!
(Adam Brown, Huddersfield).

"Are you Sandra in Disguise?"
Following Darren Bent's penalty miss at White Hart Lane, referring to Harry Redknapp's wife. Last season, Redknapp said of Bent 'My missus could have scored that'.

"Shearer Shearer Shearer!"
More from Spurs fans to Sunderland. (Sanjay, London).

"Can we play you twice a week?"
Chelsea fans to Bolton after beating them 4-0 in the Carling Cup at Stamford Bridge and in the Premier League at the Reebok.
(Oliver Todd, UK).

"We like Eboue-boue,
We like Eboue-boue,
We like Eboue-boue,
We like E...BOUE!"
Arsenal fans salute Emmanuel Eboue to the tune of Reel 2 Real's I Like To Move It.
(Alex Wilkinson, UK).

"No Woodman - No cry."
At Wycombe v Brighton,when Wycombe took a second-half lead after Craig Woodman's first-half dismissal.
(Thom Hoffman, England).

"There's only one Gareth Southgate!"
Crystal Palace fans to Middlesbrough supporters.
(Fred Simon, England).

"You're just a small town in Welling!"
Northwich Victoria fans to Charlton in the first-round FA Cup tie.
Callum Maclean, England

"We're not bottom any more!"
Ipswich fans after the Peterborough score was shown on the big screen at Reading.
(Stephen Bailey,Ipswich).
Shhh - don't tell Capello
"Bobby for England."
Fulham fans get over-excited after Bobby Zamora scores against Liverpool.

"12 men - you've only got 12 men."
After Fulham weren't given a penalty against Liverpool.

"11 men - you've only got 11 men."
After Degen got sent off.

"10 men - you've only got 10 men."
After Carrager's red.
(I'mTallerThanCrouch).

"Neil has had a hip replacement!"
Plymouth Argyle fans question the age of Doncaster keeper Neil Sullivan. (Adam).

"I am a Fleetwood fan,
And I come from Fleetwood Town,
I know what I want and I know how to get it,
I wanna destroy Telford FC,
Cause, I wanna be Cod Army."
The real words to the Fleetwood Song featured last week to the tune of Anarchy in the UK. (niallthecod).

"The referee will make a decision after half-time whether to play the rest of the game due to fog. By the way, the score is 0-0."
At half-time during the Lewes v St Albans match, where you couldn't see from one side of the pitch to the the half-way line. The match was called off.
(Joe Betts, England).

"Number 39, Pascal Chambimba!"
Stadium announcer at Old Trafford going through the Blackburn line-up. (Chris, UK).

"Yessssssssssssss."
Andy Murray when John and Edward survived the public vote on X-Factor.
(Shiraz, Harrow).

As snappy titles go, it's right up there with Monty Python's Johann Gambolputty de von Austfern...of Ulm, and a band that used to gig round my way - Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead.

McLove on the Newcastle United Mad messageboards said: "Your owner needs to be sent naked from the town on a donkey", while Slim Fella over on The Roker Roar site observed: "The guy just needs to make them wear red noses and green wigs on the pitch and his job will be complete."

Staying with the theme, my colleague Honest Frank suggested the Emirates could be renamed the Specsavers Stadium in honour of Arsene Wenger's selective eyesight, while given my lot's recent poor showing at home, Loftus Road might become known as Choker Park before the season's out.

But enough of all that, let's get back to Kai Wayne Rooney - or Lil Wayne as he'll doubtless be known.

The Sun predictably splashed on the event with a classic headline - "He's small, he's round, he weighs about 8lbs" - and even the broadsheets were getting involved. The Guardian did a feature asking what the name meant (anything from ocean to gravy since you ask), while the Telegraph strangely asked: "Was Kai Rooney named after a Chinese restaurant?"

I did a little digging of my own and discovered the little fella shares his birthday with Marie Antoinette and, er, Southampton legend Jason Dodd, while he already has an army followers on 'his' Twitter page - including this latest gem: "Very excited about friends at Playgroup - Reina's son Nobe and Kuyt's son Boyce - but Mark Hughes' daughter will be there too - Luxury-Tish.."

The most startling revelation came when I rather pointlessly decided to see which artists were at number one on the boy's birth date over the years.

After trawling my way through the likes of Barbie Girl and Every Loser Wins, I was on the brink of throwing in the towel when there it was staring back at me. The 1963 chart-topper on 2 November was none other than Gerry and the Pacemakers with...You'll Never Walk Alone. At last something to bring a smile to the face of Liverpool fans after a week to forget.

One song that won't be topping the hit parade next summer is England's official World Cup anthem, after Fabio Capello reportedly pulled the plug.

An 'FA insider' told the News of the World (so it must be true): "Fabio does not want anything that could possibly detract from the preparations - even in the slightest of ways.

"There were a lot of big names wanting to record a song - very big names." What, like the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band?

Much as we'd all love to hear JT attempting the John Barnes role in a reworking of World In Motion, it's probably no bad thing - you can guarantee Three Lions will be re-released for the 235th time anyway (although 44 years of hurt doesn't scan quite so well).

One player hoping to be on the plane to South Africa is Theo Walcott, who has been a frustrated spectator as Arsenal carve up all and sundry. The injured 20-year-old was back in the news this week following a story that he'd bought girlfriend Melanie Slade a £140,000 Ferrari for her 21st.

The enduring image of the last World Cup was of the pair walking around filming everything on their camcorder like a pair of excited teenagers (which in fact they were). Since then Walcott has been slowly changing from the boy next door to the boy-next-door-as-long-as-you-live-in-a-multi-million-pound mansion-somewhere-in-the-leafy-suburbs. And fair play to him.

If I'd been rolling in it at that age I'd probably have adopted the George Best mantra: "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered." Although if I won the Lottery tomorrow it would be more like: "I bought a three-bedroom semi and a Mk I Capri. The rest she just squandered."

Walcott witnessed the Gunners' demolition of Spurs in the north London derby, which prompted one Gooner to bring news of a special gift for Tottenham fans: 'A commemorative dvd celebrating the first 42 minutes against Arsenal.' To put it into context, the last time Spurs got one over their rivals in the league came in 1999 when boy band Five were enjoying their first number one and Bradford and Coventry were in the top flight.

Staying with Tottenham and there was an interesting feature in The Sunday Times last weekend entitled 'Confessions of a Cabin Crew', featuring a host of mid-air revelations.

One flight attendant recalled: "We often get football teams flying to European games... without doubt the rudest was Spurs. None of them said thank you for anything. One player in particular, a striker, sat with his headphones on and refused to take them off, and none of them would lift their window blinds for take-off and landing.

"By contrast, Manchester United were incredibly polite. Sir Alex Ferguson was all 'yes please, no thank you', and all the team were exactly the same. They were all linked up together playing Fifa football....like a bunch of little schoolboys. The only one who wasn't playing was Ronaldo, who just rolled his eyes at me whenever I walked down the plane, as if to say, 'Look what I have to put up with, with these kids'."
David Beckham and his interesting face fuzz
In other news, Posh Spice has reportedly bought hubby a pair of pet micro pigs for Christmas which he plans to name Pinky and Perky. Although they might not be quite so perky when they catch sight of the pork chops currently stuck to his cheeks.

Becks agreed a deal this week to go back to Milan in January and there was a juicy story on Halloween about former manager Carlo Ancelotti's obsession with pumpkins.

The Chelsea boss's dad used to farm the giant vegetable and Ancelotti is still a member of the Reggiolo Pumpkin Growers' Association. Local bar owner Maddy revealed that as a boy Ancelotti used to eat so many pumpkins "I'm surprised he didn't turn orange". So that's Phil Brown's secret.

Elsewhere, Cardiff were told not stay in Swansea ahead of Saturday's South Wales derby in case fans set off hotel fire alarms to wake them up. And of course a Cardiff sympathiser would never have done the same thing to turf the QPR players out of bed at 4.00am ahead of the 2003 play-off final, would he? Not that I'm bitter, you understand.

And finally, story of the week came courtesy of the Football League Show and one of the emails sent in to Lizzie Greenwood-Hughes. It came from two Rotherham fans called Dave and Dan who had made the long trip down to Aldershot for the League Two clash - only to discover upon their arrival that the game was actually being played in Rotherham.

Have a good weekend, football fans. And here's to Sheffield Wednesday, the team of fellow-bloggers Michael Gray and Tom Fordyce, not to mention my other half's Uncle Ronnie, winning all their home games this season apart from the one on Saturday.

Anyone who is not signed up to post on blogs can continue to use the old post-form email system for the next couple of weeks but after that we'll just be taking comments on the blog. So without further ado, here's Frank Lampard to kick us off....

"With and without the ball at the moment we're very on the ball."
Frank Lampard has a ball after Chelsea's thumping of Bolton. .

"Yeah, next week's game is important. If we lose next week we could be relegated so it's going to be a desperate week."
Spurs boss Harry Redknapp with just a hint of sarcasm when asked on Match of the Day whether next Saturday's game against Sunderland was important.

"He's definitely a plonker, but in the nicest possible way."
Sheffield Wednesday keeper Lee Grant on team-mate Luke Varney, who scored the equaliser against Bristol City.
Two characters who know all about plonkers
"I know very well what I have to do if I have the flu. It's not a medical
prescription. It's my grandmother's prescription - hot milk. Alcohol - red wine. Fantastic."
Carlo Ancelotti has the perfect antidote for swine flu.

"We've all got Abba songs in our heads after all."
England coach Fabio Capello is a big fan of the Mamma Mia musical.

"When the FA moved from Soho Square, it was like having the whole family back in the one house, but the first time I set foot in here, I took an eternity to find the way out. Ray Clemence and I were going up and down, up and down, never finding the right floor."
But the Italian met his Waterloo when trying to get out of Wembley Stadium.

"Players run from three miles away and then just stand chin to chin. I don't understand it. If you're going to run that distance, you might as well throw haymakers!"
Yeovil boss Terry Skiverton after a bit of handbags following the 4-0 defeat by Leeds.

"I thought he might miss the penalty because you know what some Scots are like - a bit tight!"
MK Dons captain Dean Lewington after Peter Leven scored a penalty in the win against Bristol Rovers. The League One side are donating money to the forces' charity Help For Heroes for every goal they score.

My secret is adapting to the country I am in. Here I eat roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. There are people who visit different countries and don't adapt. It is a must."
Arsene Wenger is fitting in nicely with the culture of Les Rosbifs.

"Jermaine is really generous - he bought me some Christian Louboutin shoes for Christmas which I love. But the best present he ever got is priceless - a tattoo of my face on his forearm."
Jermaine Jenas' fiancee reveals the price of true love.

"I talk rubbish every day - that's probably why I'm captain."
Kilmarnock skipper Kevin Kyle on the secret of good captaincy.

"I think the players are one million per cent behind me."
Phil Brown is turning into Kevin Keegan.
Is he Browny in disguise?
"We were getting to to the stage where we were thinking, we don't even get
them in training now!"
Wolves striker Kevin Doyle on his side's struggle to win penalty decisions in the top flight.

"I'm on the moon."
Golfer Michael Jonzon takes an old cliche and raises it one after winning the Castello Masters.

"The fact we didn't play for three months during the summer was a massive help."
Nottingham Forest defender Luke Chambers when asked what the secret to Forest's seven-month unbeaten away record was.
(Jon Ball, Stoke-on-Trent).

"The one difference between Lennon and Bentley is that they're completely different players."
Heard during the Spurs-Everton Carling Cup coverage on 5 Live.
(Jon Allsop, England).

"He's so right-sided, me and my friends call him the 'Anti-Giggs'."
Liverpool fan on 606 describing Ryan Babel.
(Waheed Seria, Surrey).

"The car was fantastic, it worked brilliantly on both tyres."
Sebastian Vettel after winning the Abu Dhabi GP on two fewer tyres than his rivals, apparently!
(David Howell, Essex).

"Van Persie has shown us that he uses his right foot only to enter a tram rather than play football with it."
BHT's (Bosnian national TV) Zoran Šuko during the Spurs-Arsenal game. Five minutes later Van Persie scored the first of his two goals, both with his right foot!
(Andrea Grozdani, Bosnia & Herzegovina).

It will be pitch black during tomorrow's race, apart from the floodlights.
F1 presenter Jake Humphrey on Abu Dhabi's night race!
(Paul, England).

"Coach of the Italian national team? No, never."
Fabio Capello when asked whether he would consider coaching the Italian National team.

And immediately afterwards....

"A return to Juventus? You can never say never, in football anything can happen."
(Tam, Buenos Aires).

"Kaka's penalty shout has fallen on deaf eyes."
Sky commentator during the Real Madrid-Getafe game on Saturday night.
(Christie Pemberton, Surrey).

"I threw my jacket down because I was frustrated. I couldn't communicate with the players because of the noise of the stadium - I am not used to that!"
Arsene Wenger on the noise in the 'library'.
(Clive, UK).
Wenger gets shirty at The Emirates
"It kind of handles like a pregnant elephant."
Sir Jackie Stewart on F1 cars with full fuel tanks. I know Sir Jackie is a good driver, but I never realised he could drive animals!
(Luke, England).

5 live F1 presenter Holly Samos: "Robert, can you hear me OK?"
Robert Kubica: "Pardon?"
During the Adu Dhabi F1 second practice session.
(Oz Phillips, England).

"There's no doubt Bentley has balls - and plenty of 'em."
Harry Redknapp on David Bentley.
(Mali, Kenya).

"We've seen it 3,200 times before..."
Real Madrid coach Manuel Pellegrini being 76.49 per cent specific.
(Chris Humphris, London).

"You only get those goals on a computer game."
Paul Merson after Arsenal almost score a perfect box-to-box goal in their Carling Cup clash with Liverpool.
(Waheed Seria, Surrey).

"Hartson believes Celtic must recruit a forward to compliment McDonald."
On BBC Sport website picture caption. What exactly does he want to be complimented on? His hair? Dress sense?
(John, Scotland).

"There's no such thing as a bad penalty."
Commentator during the Hearts-Celtic game. Try telling that to David Beckham.
(Thom Williams, UK).

"Scottish football is Scottish football. For a traditionalist like me, that's where the Old Firm should play."
Premier League supremo Richard Scudamore. Traditionalist?! Coming from the man who wants to implement the 39th game?
(Rob Porter, UK).

"Liverpool should appoint Dalglish. The Premier League needs more English managers."
The culturally-aware ex US player Eric Wynalda on 'Fox Football Fone In' in the States.
(BermudaPool, Bermuda).
Are you going to tell him he's English or am I?
"They now need a meat and potatoes powerplay."
Kevin Weekes on US TV during the Minnesota-Chicago NHL game
(Jack Gulston, England).

"Summing up that response was his England team-mate Robert Green who produced a stunning match-winning save at the death to save a point."
West Ham's official website. Apparently, match-winning saves are only enough for a point.
(Ricky Galer, England).

"You're just a fat Robbie Savage!"
Arsenal fans singing to Andriy Voronin of Liverpool in the Carling Cup.
(Tom Clifton, UK).

"We want four!"
Fulham fans while leading 3-1 against Liverpool.
(George, Cornwall).

"SuBo! SuBo! SuBo!"
Celtic fans greet Susan Boyle's arrival on the pitch at half-time against Hamburg.
(Colin Stone, Scotland).

"Bent and Kenwynne Jones.........they got a thing going on."
To the tune of Me and Mrs Jones. Sung at the Birmingham-Sunderland match.
(Phillip O'Brien, Birmingham).

"Mannion was better than Finney!"
Chant by Middlesbrough fans at Preston.
(Rod Lavan, England).

"You're just a small town in Blackburn!"
Heard at Bristol Rovers vs Leeds. According to Rovers fans, Blackburn are near-neighbours of Leeds...if neighbours means being in a different county and 50 miles away!
(Dave P, England).

"Fergie, Fergie sign 'em up!"
Heard at Barnsley-Man Utd as two streakers combined to 'score'.
(Benni Sluckis, Manchester).

"You only came for the T-shirts."
QPR fans to Derby on a night when every Rams fan was given a free commemorative shirt.
(Gerard Walsh, England).

"Love, love will tear you apart again!"
Stenhousemuir fans to midfielder Robert Love, to the tune of Joy Division's Love Will Tear Us Apart.
(Tom Oliver, Scotland).

"5-2 and we've got the flu!"
Blackburn fans at the Peterborough game. Three players had been diagnosed with swine flu.
(Rob of the Robots, England).

"You're just a small town with swine flu!"
Peterborough fans have their say.
(Johnny Evo, Huntingdon).

"We don't need a beachball!"
Heard at Peterborough-Scunthorpe to referee Mike Jones, who infamously allowed the 'beachball' goal for Sunderland against Liverpool. (Matt Evetts, England).
You won't find any of these down at London Road
"One Tong, we've only got one Tong!"
FC United fans sing centre-half Adam Tong's name after his unfortunate own goal against Northwich Victoria in the FA Cup on Saturday.
(Colm Lambert, UK).

"We're your biggest fans, we'll follow you around the country, Lionel, Lionel Ainsworth."
Sung to Huddersfield winger Lionel Ainsworth (to the tune of Paparazzi by Lady Gaga).
(John McNamara, England).

"Boom Boom Boom, let me hear you say Barrow... BARROW!"
To the tune of the Outhere Brothers song, as sung by Barrow fans away at Chester.
(Matt, England).

"I am a Fleetwood Fan
I Support Fleetwood Town ...
I want to be at Highbury."
Sung by Fleetwood Town fans during the 3-1 FA Cup victory, to the tune of Anarchy in the UK.
(Rob Morley, England)
Why would you want to be at Highbury? Note: It's since been pointed out to me that Fleetwood play their home games at Highbury - so that would be why, then.

"We've won it five times, We've won it five times, The Darlington and District League, We've won it five times!"
Darlington RA fans singing at every home game
(Nathaniel Rowntree, England).

And at Swine Flu stadium, it is Blackburn 2, Peterborough 1.
Stadium announcer at Bristol Rovers reading the half-time scores.
(George U, Bristol).

"And the third sub for Wimbled...er...MK Dons, ahem, is..."
Heard at St Mary's during Southampton v MK Dons.
(Tom, UK).

"The exit barriers are open, so if you have an Oyster card, make sure you touch out. If you have a ticket then never mind and if you did not buy a ticket then you have a result."
Stanmore tube station announcer helping the mass of people exiting Wembley following Sunday's NFL Patriots victory.
(Ken, England).

"You told us to come back when we'd won 18 titles...well, we're back."
Banner from Manchester United supporters seen at Anfield. (Bledi, UK).

"See you in the Championship next year."
Spotted on the back of a Saints top during the Great South Run - a 10-mile course through the city of Portsmouth.
(Mark Hopkins, England).

"Mandelson demands British GP Fix."
Headline from BBC F1 pages. Didn't know he was connected to Renault...or does he just want Button or Hamilton to win?
(Dr S Walker, UK).

Following news that the virus had floored players from Blackburn and Bolton, the Health Protection Agency immediately declared war on the dribblers (admittedly not something associated with either club).

An HPA spokesman said: "Spitting is disgusting at all times... footballers, like the rest of us, wouldn't spit indoors so they shouldn't do it on the football pitch." (Hang on, isn't a football pitch outdoors?)

And Fifa might think about extending the fair play league to name and shame offenders, prompting a straight fight between Flobbie Savage and Robert Greeny. I've got me coat.

Telling a footballer not to spit is like asking Jordan and Peter to carry out a normal everyday function without at least 14 TV crews in attendance. It's got to the stage where it's an involuntary action for the players and not an ideal role model for your kids - although back in my day it was the punks doing all the spitting.

I remember hitching up to Newcastle with my mate to watch The Ramones play and throughout the gig, frontman Joey Ramone was using a towel to wipe the spittle off his face. At the end of the concert I managed to procure said towel and proudly left it at the end of my bed. When I got back from school the next day my mum announced: "I don't know where that filthy thing came from but I've given it a good wash." Grrr.

Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce was annoyed Rovers' game with Chelsea was not called off after three of his players contracted swine flu, insisting Chelsea were at serious risk of catching a dose. But Carlo Ancelotti has already got battle plans in place in the shape of "my grandmother's prescription - hot milk, alcohol - red wine. Fantastic".

The Telegraph suggested Allardyce, along with his old mate Sir Alex Ferguson, were in fact suffering from a touch of whine flu. One minute Fergie was accepting an improper conduct charge for having a pop at Alan Wiley, the next he was questioning whether Andre Marriner had the experience to officiate in their defeat at Liverpool.

Then we had the curious case of Fernando Torres celebrating his strike in the 2-0 win by repeatedly gnawing his shirt. A case of once bitten twice sigh for United, perhaps.

Staying in the Premier League and John Terry has revealed a passion for fishing. "I can sit there for hours, turn my mobile off and watch the world go by - my biggest catch is a 28lb carp," said the Chelsea captain - while strangely neglecting to mention the one that got away in the Champions League final.

Talking of the Riverside, Middlesbrough caretaker boss Colin Cooper had a few words to say about star player Adam Johnson ahead of Gordon Strachan's arrival. "He is definitely going places," raved Cooper. Liverpool, Everton, Sunderland.... take your pick.

Further up the road and in the week Babs Windsor announced she was leaving Albert Square, there was a right old Carry On at Newcastle, with the 'Cockney Mafia' deciding to stay put. Owner Mike Ashley reportedly declared: "Coo, luvaduck and stone the crows. I'd laav it, laav it if we went up" (even though he's actually from Hampshire).

Ashley risked fury from fans after claims the stadium name might be changed to raise funds (The Cheryl Cole Arena was the suggestion from one wag on Whoateallthepies) and his u-turn ended the dreams of local businessman Barry Moat.

I've always thought his name sounded like a Viz character and to celebrate the comic's 30th birthday this week, here's a classic Top Tip for our dearly beloved players: 'Footballers: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.'

Over at Hull, Phil Brown dismissed claims his job is on the line following the departure of chairman Paul Duffen by insisting: "My players are a million per cent behind me." Many commentators suggested watching Hull's 0-0 draw with Portsmouth on Saturday was more painful than pulling teeth. Having experienced exactly that at the dentist's on Thursday morning, I can assure you they are wrong.

Meanwhile fellow strugglers West Ham released a rogues' gallery of people they would like to contact in the wake of the Millwall trouble. A quick scan reveals a few familiar faces - No 83 looks like Rooney, 100 is the spit of Keano and 97 is a dead-ringer for the legendary Mooro himself.

Elsewhere, El Hadji Diouf has followed the example of Stephen Ireland by having the initials of wife Valerie stitched into the seats of his Cadillac. Just to confirm, that's Valerie Diouf. And there was great nickname potential down at Watford as striker Henri Lansbury netted a double against Sheffield Wednesday. Got to be 'Angela', surely?
Stan Collymore has some radical plans for the top flight
The Hornets are on a good run, but they will never be in the top flight again if Stan Collymore has his way. In his column for the Daily Mirror the former England striker said: "I would like to see the Premier League comprised solely of the clubs who have been the biggest and most successful sides in modern history....there would be no promotion or relegation, which would allow those teams to grow."

Collymore added: "I think we should forget the 39th game and just have the top 25 clubs in the country playing 50 games. I'm salivating at the thought." Quick, someone call the Health Protection Agency. Oh, and Carol Vorderman to check Stan's adding up.

It would certainly put paid to any dream I have of seeing top-flight football at Loftus Road again (does second place in 1976 count, Stan?) - although QPR have been preoccupied with more important matters.

Academy assistant Marc Bircham revealed the players have been banned from wearing multi-coloured boots "because we don't want them getting too flash". That's Marc Bircham who during his playing days took to the field with his hair dyed blue and white.

Meanwhile joint-owner Bernie Ecclestone has a spring in his step after going public about his 30-year-old Brazilian girlfriend. Good work, Bernie, but not quite in the same league as 112-year-old Ahmed Muhamed Dore, who has just married his sixth wife, aged...17.

And finally, story of the week comes from OK magazine, via Popbitch, and features a "super-glam 24 hours" in the company of Jermaine Jenas' fiancee, Ellie Penfold.

She gushed: "Jermaine is really generous - he bought me some Christian Louboutin shoes for Christmas which I love. But the best present he ever got is priceless - a tattoo of my face on his forearm."

Have a good weekend one and all. Half our office are coming down to watch QPR-Leicester on Friday to see what I have been raving on about - which virtually guarantees a hard-fought 1-0 win for the Foxes.

OTHER STUFF
Cristiano Ronaldo 'sings'

Nagoya Grampus manager, Dragan Stojkovic, scores wonder goal
Lehmann v the ballboy

The star of Sunderland's win over Liverpool got more column inches than Nelson, with predictable headlines such as 'Life's A Beach' and 'Liverpool Deflated' appearing in tabloids and broadsheets alike.

The Sun mocked up pictures featuring the inflatable in historic events, including the last voyage of the Titanic (captain swerves to avoid beach ball and misses iceberg). Meanwhile The Spoof website suggested the ball was going to be appointed director of coaching at Anfield, before later claiming it was actually Sammy Lee in a cunning disguise.

The poor lad who threw the 'outside agent' (football laws' description, not mine) had his identity protected, although this viral doing the rounds purported to show the real culprit.

United messageboards have been awash with users instructing fans to "bring your beach balls this weekend", for the short journey along the M6, complete with instructions on how to "smuggle them in your socks" (presumably before they have been inflated). Expect a few to find their way on to the Anfield pitch, while a chorus of 99 Red Balloons rings out from the away end.

Something clearly needs to be done to arrest Liverpool's worrying slump (not least because it's making my other half very grumpy) and Rafa could do worse than call on the services of Iain Dowie - a man who knows all about bouncebackability.

In non-beach ball news (there was some, believe it or not), Gareth Southgate got the old heave-ho from Middlesbrough after winning a game and taking his side to within a point of the top.

The biggest shock was most-agreeable-chairman-in-football Steve Gibson shedding his Mr Nice Guy image to reveal a cold, calculating side as he ruthlessly despatched his manager. It was like hearing Cliff Richard had trashed his hotel room and thrown his TV out of the window.

At least Gibson has been consistent with his appointment of Gordon Strachan, who shares the same initials as his predecessor (apparently Graeme Souness and Gordon Sumner were also in the frame). While feeling sympathy for Southgate, it's great to have a character like Strachan back in English football - you can guarantee he won't be short of a quip.

While at Coventry, ironically after a defeat by Boro, he was asked: "In what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?" Quick as a flash he replied: "Mainly that big green one out there." And during his time at Southampton, the Scot recalled the time Claus Lundekvam was stretchered off against Leicester: "Someone asked me if he was unconscious, but I didn't have a clue. He's always like that."

My particular favourite came when a reporter asked if he could "have a quick word". "Velocity" came the reply as Strachan continued walking.

As for Southgate, I'd go along with fellow-blogger Robbo's assertion that he was simply too weak (especially when it came to taking penalties). Ray Parlour, who played with and under the former England midfielder, appeared on Sky last weekend where he recounted a tale of Southgate's first meeting as manager.

"All the canteen staff, everybody involved in the club at the time, were in this room, so for Gareth it was a bit awkward. He said 'You can call me Gareth, boss, gaffer...'. It all went quiet and then we said: 'What about big nose?'"

In the Premier League, the battle at the top is getting more and more like a meeting of the Society of Reformation for Manners - after you, no after you.

Chelsea were the latest to surrender top spot with a 2-1 defeat at Villa Park, where the only thing Nicolas Anelka connected with was Martin O'Neill - catapulting him into the air as the boss's concerned back room staff did their best to give him a helping hand - not easy when it's clamped over your mouth to suppress a fit of the giggles.

Villa striker Emile Heskey barely got a look-in and was probably still recovering from the rollicking dished out by England coach Fabio Capello the week before. The Italian apparently flipped when he caught Heskey breaking the rules by fiddling with his phone under the dinner table. It's not clear what application the big man was using, but my money's on the RAC Routeplanner, searching for directions to the back of the net.

Birmingham are apparently interested in re-signing Heskey and new chairman Carson Yeung was involved in a classic Lost In Translation moment when a reporter asked him: "Is Alex McLeish's job safe?" "Not at the moment," came the reply before his translator quickly set the record straight.

Elsewhere, Blackburn beat Burnley in the Lancashire derby, although the Clarets claimed a moral victory in the build-up by dressing the statue of Jack Walker in a Burnley shirt and wig. After the 3-2 victory, Sam Allardyce said: "It's my birthday tomorrow, so obviously that was an early Christmas present from the lads."

Harry Redknapp also suffered a touch of foot-in-mouth disease, asserting that his Spurs side were "hanging on for grim life" at old club Portsmouth, while the following Sky Sports News ticker caught my eye: "Hartlepool midfielder Willie Boland retires after long-standing knee injury."
Adel Taarabt celebrates his wonder goal against Preston
Non-football headline of the week concerned a 70-stone man under the banner 'World's Fattest Bloke Lives In Ipswich'. Roy Keane could do worse than plonk him in goal for the six-pointer at Plymouth on Saturday, safe in the knowledge that NOTHING would get past him.

And finally, I've kept schtum about my lot for the last couple of weeks but after 13 goals in the last three home games I think I'm allowed to get a little excited. Having missed the 4-0 tonking of Preston to look after the kids, I was bombarded with texts informing me it was the best performance for a decade and I'd missed the goal of the season. Thanks for that, fellas.

Fortunately I witnessed us putting another four past Reading on Tuesday and will be watching the Derby game on the Beeb from the armchair, while being acutely aware of that old saying Pride Park comes before a fall.

My four-year-old - eager to jump on the bandwagon - got her hands on some of those new football cards that are doing the rounds. She very kindly saved one for me and announced: "You'll like this Daddy because he's wearing blue like QPR" - before handing me a picture of....Michael Ballack. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

I was instantly transported back there on Wednesday night as David Beckham strode on to the Wembley turf for his 'match-winning' cameo.

I've got nothing against a bit of facial decoration - but Beckham's latest fashion accessory just looks.....well, wrong. (Or well-wrong as they say round my way.)

Of course, beards in football are nothing new - why it only seems like yesterday that Roy Keane was prowling the technical area looking like a cross between Captain Haddock and the sailor action man, while my introduction to facial hair was provided by Shoot columnists Danny McGrain and Dennis Mortimer back in the 70s.

Indeed I found it quite unnerving when Mortimer shaved his off - even though he managed to lift the European Cup without it - while the Kings of Leon were a whisker away from becoming the coolest band on the planet until a trip to the barbers turned them into stadium rockers with a penchant for soft rock anthems

I digress. Even stranger than the beard - which admittedly came as a (Brian) blessed relief in a slow news week - was the choice by Steve Bruce to give the man-of-the-match award to a clearly bemused Becks, who had been on the field for all of half an hour against Belarus.

"I don't know how I got that," he grinned. "Thanks, Brucie. I played with him, of course." Of course.

Relieved bookies, who took large sums on two-goal Peter Crouch to get the honour, described the bizarre decision as "a Brucie bonus", while coach Fabio Capello was also flummoxed. "Yes, I was a bit surprised," he said. "I thought it was like Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize after eight months as President." Or 'Load of Baracks!' as The Sun put it.

At least it deflected attention away from Rio Ferdinand, who was set up as the fall-guy following his error against Ukraine (Blame It On Rio was a particular favourite among the headline writers).

On the morning of the match, an interview with Ferdinand was published in which he promised there would be no distractions for England at the World Cup, although he clearly had other things on his mind in Dnipropetrovsk. Not the first time he's forgotten where he was supposed to be.

Ferdinand initially received his marching orders before the referee realised his mistake and showed red to Green. The West Ham keeper was probably secretly relieved to leave the field after his goalmouth was pelted with fire. I haven't seen that many flares since Slade were in their heyday.

The main talking point of the Ukraine game was the fact it was available to watch online only. You could picture thousands of men hunched over their computers peering intently at the images, safe in the knowledge that for once they wouldn't have to pretend they were looking at the long-range weather forecast when their other halves unexpectedly walked into the room.

With no Premier League action, and internationals involving the home nations reduced to meaningless friendlies, there was a dearth of news in the football world this week - summed up on Wednesday afternoon when most outlets led with the story 'Gerrard ruled out of Belarus game' - a headline which was actually prepared five weeks earlier when Capello's men qualified for the World Cup.

In fact once the Republic of Ireland had conceded that cruel last-minute equaliser against Italy, the main focus switched to Argentina - on the brink of failing to qualify for the World Cup for the first time since dinosaurs roamed the earth in the shape of Yes and their prog-rock mates.

When Diego Maradona dived to celebrate his side's last-minute winner against Peru, The Guardian's James Richardson observed: "He looked like Thunderbird 2." Against Uruguay it was Mario Bolatti who took on the role of International Rescue - and they may be needed again to get Sir Alex Ferguson out of a hole.

The United manager issued an unconvincing apology to Alan Wiley following last week's outburst, explaining "It was never my intention to bring the focus of media attention on Mr Wiley" (after announcing to the whole world that he was not fit enough to referee).
Don't push it, son!
When one intrepid reporter asked if he could raise the subject at Fergie's pre-match briefing for the Bolton game, Sir Alex snapped: "No. You can't. I know you're an intelligent boy but don't go too far." The journalist can think himself lucky the TV cameras were rolling at the time.

Meanwhile Fergie's old sparring partner Rafa Benitez escaped with a warning for using his glasses as a prop to show what he thought of Phil Dowd back in August.
The Liverpool manager's defence team highlighted the case of Neil Warnock, who previously escaped censure for making a goggles gesture to another official. Good old Colin - still the scourge of referees even when he's sat at home with his feet up.

In other news, Notts County sacked Ian McParland (no specs required to see that one coming) while Fabio Cannavaro was cleared of doping after convincing officials the banned substance was in a bee-sting remedy. When asked for his comments on the verdict, the Italian captain reportedly said: "I'm buzzin' man!"

And congratulations to Dimitar Berbatov, who has won the race with strike partner Wayne Rooney to become a Daddy. Wife Elena gave birth to baby daughter Dea on Wednesday, although claims the labour was brought on by the shock of hubby scoring a hat-trick for Bulgaria are as yet unconfirmed.

Meanwhile up in Scotland, details have emerged of a shocking theft involving the head of Falkirk mascot Fergus Fox. Bairns spokesman Keith Hogg (good mascot name) said: "Everyone's concerned as to where he's disappeared to. We haven't even had a ransom note." Local police added: "If anyone has seen anything suspicious, they should contact us." Like a giant fox propping up the bar at the local, for instance.

And finally, last week it was nicknames this week it's team names and the revelation that the Sunday League outfit of ex-Beautiful South singer Paul Heaton are known as Hardly Athletic. I seem to recall a team called AC a-little-silhouetto-of-a-man (quite fitting in the week England played Belarus, Belarus can you do the fandango) but I'm sure there are better ones out there somewhere.

Before I go, breaking news from The Spoiler website, who report: "Mega bucks football club Notts County have signed David Beckham's beard in a bid to reach the Premiership. It is expected to be named captain immediately in a bid to inspire the rest of the squad."

Have a good weekend one and all - hope your team win, unless they're called Preston.

Carlos Tevez started the trend by apologising to West Ham fans for scoring against them, and since then players have been queueing up to disprove Elton John's lament that Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.

Why just this week we've had Richard Dunne forcing his arms down after netting for Villa against City, while Middlesbrough's Leroy Lita was equally reticent after netting his second goal against his old chums at Reading.

The Man City midfielder splashed out £260,000 on a gleaming white Bentley for Jessica Lawlor, complete with full boy-racer makeover, which included changing the famous 'B' insignia to 'JL' and having a loveheart stitched into the driver's seat containing the message 'To Jess Love From Stephen'. Aaaahh.

The motor has come in for stick from all sides, but one Daily Mail reader felt obliged to leap to Ireland's defence. "If they are pleased with the effect, that is all that matters. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the thought behind it is great. Many, if offered the car would grab it with both hands. Enjoy your present, never mind the media".....said Marian in Essex.

Ireland you may recall had his red and white Audi resprayed blue after team-mates teased him about driving around in the colours of their hated rivals. So it came as a surprise to see the alloy wheels and trim of Jesscia's Bentley decked out in a distinct shade of United red. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Talking of cars and Arsenal's Nicklas Bendtner has been recalling his horror smash of a couple of weeks back, hailing the fact that he walked away unscathed as 'a miracle'. Indeed it was, although some would argue the real phenomenon took place last weekend, when he AND Dimitar Berbatov both managed to score in the Premier League. Truly astounding.

Meanwhile, Berba's boss was up to his old tricks after laying into Alan Wiley by adopting that famous terrace mantra 'you're not fit to referee'. As The Sunday Times wryly observed: "It was straight out of the top drawer of the cabinet marked 'Sir Alex Ferguson Diversionary Tactics'."

Fergie, who a fortnight earlier was seen laughing and joking with Wiley when United were winning (that's the key word) the Manchester derby, suggested the official was off the pace, while some of his European counterparts were "as fit as a butcher's dog". Incidentally, when was the last time you saw a butcher walking a dog? No, me neither.

Sir Alex found an ally in Gillingham boss Mark Stimson, who claimed refs were bringing criticism on themselves by taking to the field in increasingly flamboyant strips. Stimson said: "It's a crazy decision to put a referee in a pinky shirt. They get enough abuse as it is - but as soon as they walk on the pitch with that shirt, people laugh at them."

He's got a point - "Who's the w***** in the pink" just doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

From pink to blue and in the week the Tories announced plans to raise the retirement age, Owen Coyle decided it was time to dust off his boots. The Burnley manager made Ryan Giggs look like Brooklyn Beckham as he played up front for the reserves against Liverpool at the grand old age of 43.

While he didn't manage to get on the scoresheet, Coyle admitted he found the experience enjoyable and set a fine example to his young team-mates when he was substituted by somehow resisting the urge to throw his shirt to the floor and storm down the tunnel.

Staying in the Premier League and following on from the recent revelations that Sheffield United's Glen Little is known as 'Blakey' from On the Buses and David Ngog is called 'Wash', Wayne Rooney revealed that once he leaves training, it's goodbye Wazza and hello Jimmy.

The United striker told The Sun: "When I'm back home with my family and friends I'm just Jimmy. I've been called it since I was about 10."

He explained: "It's after Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink. He used to do a cartwheel when he scored. I did it once when I was a kid and since then I've always been Jimmy."
Fair enough - although it's the kid growing up in the Congo when Bongo Christ was at his footballing peak that I feel sorry for.

The best name in English football at the moment has to Swansea's Angel Rangel. It takes me back to the days when glam rock ruled the world and the main protagonists had offspring called Rolan Bolan and Zowie Bowie. Let's hope James Blunt doesn't jump on the bandwagon.
Who loves ya baby?
Staying with music (loosely) and under-fire France boss Raymond Domenech has had a welcome distraction from their iffy World Cup campaign after a song about him topped the charts. The ditty, entitled Je Kiffe Raymond (I Fancy Raymond), is performed by former porn actress Catherine Ringer and includes the line "If he attacked my penalty area, I would be without defenders".

Wrong on so many levels, although I bet like me you're dying to hear it. (It's even got a bit of Chas 'n' Dave piano.)

Unlucky break of the week concerned striker Kris Boyd, who faces a long spell on the sidelines after he blew his nose and discovered he had a fractured eye socket. No laughing matter, I'm sure you'll agree - although it brings a whole new meaning to the old football cliché 'suffered an injury blow'.

Horror story of the week involved Roy Keane, who put the willies up an intrepid BBC reporter brave (or foolish) enough to ask him about his future at Portman Road. The Ipswich boss fixed his inquisitor with a stare that made Michael Myers look like Timmy Mallett and growled: "I refuse to answer that question."

I'll put a link to the scary footage here, but be warned, it's like The Ring - once you've seen it, it will stay with you forever.

And finally, hats off to Hull City, who bounced back from the 6-1 thrashing by Liverpool to beat Wigan. Phil Brown fired up his troops after the Anfield disaster by banning them from the club restaurant and taking the plug off the coffee machine.

To emphasise the point, he stuck a sign on it reading Out of Order, above which someone cheekily scrawled the word 'Bang'. Jimmy Bullard was unavailable for comment.

Have a good weekend one and all - and a special hello to jimmyupnorth , who last week wrote: "I'm seriously wondering if you'll ever get thru a blog without mentioning queens park bloody rangers". Jimmy, your wish is my command - I didn't even make reference to the fact that we've leapfrogged Man City to become the world's richest club once again. Oh damn.

The Manchester United boss was bang on the money this week - as he played up to his audience with a spring in his step and a twinkle in his eye.

Stoke fans were the first on the hit-list after the Britannia faithful's cheeky chant of: "Fergie, Fergie what's the time?" (A reference to the seven added minutes in the Manchester derby for all those who've been on Mars).

The squirming 21-year-old looked down at the assembled hacks and coyly said: "I don't really want to talk about that here - especially because my girlfriend's in the middle of you all - she's on placement at ITV this week!"

Unperturbed, Ferguson turned to the lady in question, Kate Wathall, and said: "Get him tied down, dear - rings are cheap now!" - leaving poor Evans looking like a teenager who's just been spotted by his mates out shopping with his mum.

Kate admitted finding the whole experience quite amusing and confessed she hadn't told her university chums she was dating a footballer, adding: "Well they all know now, I guess!" Yep, I'd say so, Kate.

Fergie also found time (he can always get a few minutes from somewhere) to heap praise on old boy Cristiano Ronaldo, who has been banging in the goals for Real Madrid. The United chief said: "He has done well to get seven goals right away. He was a great bet, 7-1 to be the top scorer (in La Liga). Did I take it? Absolutely!"

Meanwhile, Ryan Giggs continued to plug the gaping hole left by Ronaldo's departure. The oldest winger in town scored his 150th goal for United in the 2-1 defeat of Wolfsburg, with Michael Carrick (remember him?) bagging the winner. The Mirror summed it all up with the headline 'Carrick Keeps The Wolf From The Draw'. Genius.

Things weren't quite so rosy for Liverpool, who crashed 2-0 to Fiorentina under the watchful gaze of Sting. Teenager Stefan Jovetic did the damage for the Italians by scoring both goals in a sublime all-round performance. In fact, every little thing he did was magic.

Elsewhere, Arsenal finally found a way past Antonis Nikopolidis to beat Olympiakos 2-0. The Greek goalkeeper - hero of their European Championship win - made a string of fine stops, despite looking like he'd just been wheeled out of an old peoples' home. Never mind Portugal 2004, you could use a bit of Grecian 2000 old son.

Chelsea returned to winning ways by sneaking a 1-0 in Nicosia, much to the relief of coach Carlo Ancelotti. After the defeat by Wigan, Ancelotti was raving, talking Italian (he always reverts to his native tongue when he's narked off) and Petr Cech's silly red card would not have improved his mood. The Sun marked the occasion by digging out their old Star Trek pictures of Mr Chekov. Nice.
Tevez salutes the Hammers fans
Manchester City also bounced back from the derby blues by seeing off West Ham in the Premier League. Carlos Tevez opened the scoring and staked his claim to being the nicest footballer ever by immediately saying sorry to the fans of his former club. He'll never need to buy a plate of pie 'n' mash again.

Meanwhile, muggins here was up in Newcastle to see QPR turn in an impressive display at St James' Park. As any away fans who've been there recently will testify, the hike up to the top of the Sir John Hall Stand makes Mount Everest look like Henman Hill and there were a few people looking like rabbits in the floodlights by the time they finally made it to the summit.

I went up with my mate Geordie Davy, who took me on a tour of the Toon after the game. I have to say the city is fantastic and the locals most welcoming - although it's true that everyone dresses in mini skirts and crop tops. And the women don't wear much either.

While I was there I sampled the local cuisine - stotties, black pudding and cod from the Tyne (all mine, all mine) and learned that Alan Shearer had been appointed a Deputy Lieutenant of Northumberland (bit of a step down from The Messiah).

One group I didn't see on the return journey were the four boys who'd cracked open a case of beer at 10am on the way up and comfortably worked their way through it by the time we hit Newcastle three hours later, before turning their attention to the nearest boozer.

Maybe they had been struck by Wenger's words of wisdom that "there is no better psychological education than growing up in a pub". It can also be the provider of a spiritual awakening - I bet at least one of the quartet found himself speaking to God on the big white telephone sometime that afternoon.

QPR visit Swansea on Saturday and I had a very kind offer from my mate Welsh Pete to crash at his gaff if I wanted to come down for the game. Of course I'd like nothing more, but having done three games in the space of seven days, I've got about as much chance of being excused childcare duties for the weekend as Boris Johnson has of propping up the bar with Peggy Mitchell in the Queen Vic. Oh, hang on a second...

While Newcastle was arguably the best away trip ever, the same cannot be said of Burnley fan Jason Taylor's forthcoming visit to Blackburn. The 28-year-old lives a stone's throw from Ewood Park but is being forced to do a 50-mile round-trip after all Clarets fans were told to report to Turf Moor before travelling to the game.

Jason will then have to return to Burnley after the match, before heading back to Blackburn. He said: "I'll be getting up at 7.30am for a game four minutes away and spend the day in the car, the coach and on the motorway." And possibly the doghouse if his other half had plans for that evening.
Tickets please!
In other news, Ade Akinbiyi signed for Notts County (possibly not what the fans were thinking of when they were promised a 'big name') and according to Sheffield United's Chris Morgan, team-mate Glen Little is the spit of Blakey from On The Buses. Little came on as a sub just after Tom Butler had put Swansea ahead on Saturday, no doubt introducing himself with the words: "I'll get you, Butler!"

Non-football story of the week was sent in by Ian Pashley and involves a racehorse called Transvestite. Apparently the commentator in Coral's bookmakers observed: "Coming to the final fence and Transvestite is looking for a change of gear."

And finally, fingers crossed for Wayne and Colleen on the imminent birth of their first child. Rooney has promised to be at the hospital, regardless of whether Manchester United have got a game - and having experienced first-hand the gamut of emotions experienced by a woman in labour, all I'll say is good luck.

According to Rooney's mate Kelly Jones from The Stereophonics: "Wayne keeps telling me how he's playing the album over and over. I'm pretty sure it's all he ever listens to." And the title of that album...Keep Calm And Carry On

I'd love to take the credit for that one but it's been doing the rounds all week, following the added-on time to the added-on time at Old Trafford - the most talked-about seven minutes since The Beatles released Hey Jude.

And what a corker it was. If Carlsberg did stoppage time they couldn't have done any better - Mark Hughes certainly looked like he needed a drink by the end of it.

Meanwhile, Sir Alex was leaping around like Basil Fawlty on acid, accompanied by faithful lieutenant Gary Neville, who gave us arguably the comedy moment of the season so far.

Red Nev charged towards the City fans, arms aloft, before suddenly remembering Adebayor's indiscretion the previous week. He immediately slowed to a canter and pretended to be warming up - despite knowing full well all three subs had been used.

Nev's cameo reminded me of the classic Peter Kay sketch when someone runs for a bus, misses it and then makes out they didn't really want one after all.

City supporters were understandably gutted but in the words of Nick Berry (remember him?), Every Loser Wins. They may have lost the game but at least (according to The Sun) they've won the really important battle to get sultanas removed from their half-time chicken balti pies, following a concerted campaign. I'm sure you'll join me in raisin' a glass to them (while I get me coat).

One man who looks like he could put away a pie or three is Diego Maradona, although the Argentina coach has more than enough on his plate at the moment. As well as the ongoing struggle to qualify for the World Cup, the Italian authorities are continuing their dogged pursuit of him to recover a reported tax bill of 37m euros incurred during his days with Napoli.

The tale took a bizarre twist when Maradona visited an Italian health clinic last week and promptly had a pair of his trademark diamond earrings (worth 4,000 euros) nabbed by police. Three years ago, officers took two Rolex watches off him, saying they were acting on orders to seize any valuables "within plain sight" (although why he was wearing two watches is anyone's guess).

Luckily I have a ruse to sort this mess out once and for all. All Maradona needs to do is knock out Mr T and stick him on a plane to Naples with an accompanying note for police to confiscate his bling. Debt paid. Job done. I love it when a plan comes together.

Maradona was joined in the international managers' club by former opponent Bryan Robson, who took over the Thailand hot-seat vacated by Peter Reid. What is it that attracts these former England players to the tropical paradise where they can earn 60 times as much as the average airline pilot I wonder?

Although still nowhere near as much as Sol Campbell was on at Notts County. The former England captain lasted a whole 29 days at Meadow Lane, slowly getting himself back to fitness before making his debut and final appearance in Saturday's 2-1 defeat by Morecambe, by which time (according to my figures) he had racked up an estimated £140,000. Kerching!

In the Carling Cup, Barnsley produced the shock of the round by toppling Burnley, while I was at Stamford Bridge to see 'plucky' (hate that word) QPR go down to Chelsea (not keen on that word either).

My first priority was to make sure I got home in one piece after hearing a bloke behind me in the pub utter the immortal line: "Chelsea have come down proper firmed up - tools the lot." Gulp.

There were a few running battles - fortunately nothing on the scale of Upton Park - which I avoided by bravely chatting to a very nice policeman inside the shopping precinct. Turns out he was a Millwall fan (you don't get many of them to the pound) who was spared the decision of whether to attend the West Ham game because he happened to be on holiday. Result.

Game of the week was at Elland Road where Leeds were desperately unlucky not to send Liverpool packing. The Reds finally squeezed home thanks to a goal from David Ngog, who has been given the hilarious nickname of 'Wash' by his Liverpool colleagues. That's got to be right up there with 'One Size' Fitz Hall, 'Jukebox' Durie and 'Chris' Musampa.

Meanwhile, Newcastle's Steven Taylor revealed the reason for his X-Factor celebration after scoring against Plymouth.

He said: I've been getting stick about my teeth from the lads. They've been calling me Simon Cowell, telling me I've had them chemically whitened. So I gave it the X-Factor sign when I scored.

"I was going to hitch the shorts up to my nipples. I thought that would have been a good celebration, but the fans would have thought, 'What the hell's he doing?'"

Hard-luck story of the week involved Blue Square North outfit Fleetwood Town who had the mother of all journeys to Hyde last Saturday.

First of all the team coach suffered a blowout, stranding the entire squad on the hard shoulder of the M61. As luck would have it, the supporters coach spotted them and a few kind-hearted souls gave up their seats so the players could continue their journey. Unfortunately that's where their luck ran out.

Fleetwood lost the game 2-1 and on the way back, the team's replacement coach caught fire, dumping the players back on the hard shoulder. Manager Micky Mellon (presumably known as Mick Fleetwood these days) was being filmed by the club's intrepid press officer, Derick Thomas, when the blaze broke out.

Micky: "We're on fire, Derick."
Derick: "But we'll carry on with the interview, Micky. So Farsley Celtic Saturday..."
Micky: "Yes an FA Cup tie and another big game for us. And, erm, one that we'll be looking forward to. We....I cannot concentrate, Derek - I've got smoke all in my eyes."
Derick: "Micky Mellon, we'll go and put the fire out. Thank you very much." Legend. P.S. The drama unfolds three minutes into the interview.
There'll be no more rabbit from them
And finally, the saddest news of the week, year and quite possibly the century was the announcement that Chas 'n' Dave have split up.

I know what you're thinking - what's that got to do with sport? But come on, this is the pair who made Ossie's knees go trembly and put the loopy into snooker.
C 'n' D became a cult band for the youth of today after supporting The Libertines - and I was lucky enough to catch them at Glastonbury a couple of years back, surrounded by a group of 16-year-olds who looked at me in a bemused fashion and said: "What, you actually know all the words?" Gertcha.

Have a good weekend one and all - particularly you RedBlueArmy92, who correctly predicted last Friday: 'Crewe Alexandra 1-2 Aldershot... You heard it here first!' I'm so pleased I had so much faith in you that I put precisely nothing on it. So come on RBA, what have you got for us this week? I've got children to feed, you know.

OTHER STUFF

Fan scores penalty
Motty does falsetto
Eto'o bothered by 'Guardiola wasp'
O'Connor and Fahey share a tender moment

(Some content courtesy of Off The Post football blog)

A 92-year-old woman at the top of the album charts, Patrick Swayze and Keith Floyd leaving us on the same day and Nicklas Bendtner scoring a corker.

At the centre of it all was one Sheyi Emmanuel Adebayor (not sure why he dropped the first name - as acronyms go it's hardly in the same league as US philosopher Norman O. Brown).

Then there was the Van Persie stamp and the subsequent charge of improper conduct which was "reluctantly accepted" by City.

But while events at the City of Manchester Stadium were a little unsavoury, at least they brought the best out of our old mucker Arsene Wenger, who appears hell-bent on wresting the rent-a-quote crown from Ian Holloway. (Ollie, incidentally, was on sparkling form after Blackpool's defeat of Newcastle, stating that he wanted to snog the Seasiders' resident drummer "even though he probably wouldn't like it much".)

One minute Wenger was tearing a strip off his opposite number for defending Adebayor - "You ask 100 people, 99 will say it's very bad and the 100th will be Mark Hughes" - the next he was quoting the Bible, following van Persie's decision to castigate his tormentor in public.

"If somebody stamps on your head in that way, you wouldn't say, 'thank you very much' and turn the other cheek," reasoned Wenger. "Only Jesus Christ did that."

As for Adebayor (altogether now) - he's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.

Arsene was at least able to afford himself a smile following Arsenal's impressive Champions League win over Standard Liege, especially with Eduardo scoring the winner after having his diving ban rescinded by Uefa.

According to the Gunners boss, the case for the defence was aided by the evidence of 'forensic experts'. Is it just me or did anyone else picture a line of policemen painstakingly combing The Emirates, with men in white coats busily dusting the striker's ankle for stud prints?

To put the cherry on the cake, Wenger used yet another of his made-up words when he dropped 'footballistically' into a conversation about the poor facilities for youngsters in Brazil (you'll remember he already has previous for 'playerish' and 'Old Traffordish').

Don't be surprised if some or all of these phrases become common parlance over the coming years. Ron Atkinson's 'early doors' has been accepted as the norm (even though it makes no sense whatsoever), while only the other day I happened to walk into the front room when Corrie was on to hear Peter Barlow (he's one of the characters apparently) utter the legend 'bouncebackability'. Iain Dowie, take a bow son.

As for Wenger, when he finally hangs up his magic specs (guaranteed to make you miss all your team's controversial incidents) a career in stand-up surely beckons.

There could be a vacancy at Loftus Road's very own Comedy Club if Jim Magilton doesn't get his act together soon - 15 weeks is like a lifetime in the QPR hotseat. Of course in the unlikely event that Flavio Briatore is not deemed to be a 'fit and proper person' to run a football club in the wake of 'Crashgate', he may not even get the opportunity to fire boss number three (or is it four)?

Mind you, according to F1 supremo and QPR co-owner Bernie Ecclestone: "Sometimes good things come out of bad. At least (Flavio) will have more time to pick the team now." Yikes.

My eminent colleague Goughie, who has the misfortune to sit next to me in the office, remarked five minutes before the Briatore story broke that it had been a slow news day. It was swiftly followed by the announcement that Peter Kenyon was stepping down from his role at Chelsea and Karren Brady was leaving Birmingham. I haven't heard a peep from him since.

Meanwhile, Scotland had some news about the departure of George Burley's assistant by announcing: "Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Pressley has left the building." At least that's how they should have worded it.

Pressley's former club Rangers got off to a good start in the Champions League with a 1-1 draw in Stuttgart, while there were wins by the odd goal for all the English representatives.

The biggest talking point was Wayne Rooney's act of petulance after being substituted in Manchester United's game with Besiktas.
Rooney can't hide his displeasure in Turkey

The striker hurled down his boot in a fit of pique but Sir Alex Ferguson dismissed the incident as something and nothing. Fair enough, the only damage done was to the boot as it hit the concrete - it could have been worse and cut someone's eyebrow, eh Sir Alex?

Rooney's wife is due to give birth to their first child next month and if it takes after Daddy she'd be advised not to put any toys in the pram when she goes out for a stroll along a busy street.

In the meantime there's the small matter of the Manchester derby this weekend. United were apparently moaning that Adebayor should be banned from playing (funny that) and ultimately got their wish, but Pat Rice Evra is hoping his old buddy Carlos Tevez is fit.

"I have been joking with him about the reception he will get," said Pat,. "I don't know if the fans will boo him or clap him... but if they boo him, I will join in!" Ooh, he's a one.

Former United star Beckham got a boost to his chances of making it on the plane to South Africa, when the boss revealed his other half had taken a bit of a shine to the former captain.

Fabio Capello told Marie Claire magazine: "My wife has never told me who her favourite player is but she did have two pictures taken with Beckham a while ago!" So now we know who really called for the restrictions on WAGs at the World Cup.

Capello also declared his passion for the English way of life, an opinion shared by countryman Carlo Ancelotti, who spoke of his love for bacon and eggs, The Beatles and Phil Collins. Well, two out of three ain't bad.

And finally, story of the week involved Dimitar Berbatov who revealed he had to exorcise a few demons before he made the switch to Old Trafford - or rather his uncle did.

The Bulgarian said in The Sun: "He is a priest and exorcist back home - a powerful man who drives out demons and bad spirits. When I moved to United he had a problem with their nickname. As a Godly man he does not like the Red Devils."

And for his next trick, Uncle Berby is going to summon up all his powers to help his nephew locate the back of the net again. But don't hold your breath.

The boy from Tottenham is getting better all the time, tearing Croatia to pieces with an all-action display as the Capello revolution continues apace.

Following the famous win in Germany eight years ago, the chant was: "5-1 - even Heskey scored" but the striker went to extraordinary lengths to ensure there would be no repeat of that this time.

As for the new song, how about: "5-1, even Lampard and Gerrard scored - twice - while playing in the same team - are you watching, Steve McClaren?" (Admittedly it needs a bit of work on the scanning.)
Croatia fan invades Wembley
Incidentally, there was not an umbrella in sight at Wembley this time around, although the Croatia fan who staged a one-man pitch invasion (above) was clearly off his brolly. As for manager Slaven Bilic's assertions that England 'lost their Englishness' - he was right. You wouldn't get an English team scoring five when a 0-0 would suffice. Next thing you know they'll be winning a penalty shoot-out. (OK, one step at a time.)

While Lennon was weaving his magic for England, McCartney was forced to watch from the sidelines with an injury as Northern Ireland capitulated to Slovakia.

But there was at least a silver lining for NathanNI on the Loftforwords messageboard, who wrote: "Only thing keeping my spirits up is the trip to Prague for the final group game. If the game is meaningless, the trip to Darlings Cabaret club after won't be." And no, I won't be including a link to their website.

Moving swiftly on and Scotland suffered a fatal blow to the Nether regions as a late Dutch winner at Hampden Park ended their dreams for another campaign. After the win over Macedonia, George Burley did a comedy jig on the touchline, but if the SFA take a dim view of proceedings it could turn out to be the last waltz for Georgie.

Scotland's defeat came hot on the heels of Andy Murray's exit from the US Open at the hands of Croatia's Maran Cilic.

'Cro-ker' was the general consensus in the Red Tops, although I was hoping to see the headline 'Cilic: Bang And The Scot Is Gone!' in homage to my four-year-old's favourite advert. She really should get out more.

As for Cilic's home nation, they now have to hope England can do them a favour by getting something in Ukraine. If they don't, those crazy conspiracy theories doing the rounds last week will start resurfacing quicker than you can say 'Lee Harvey Oswald? Do me a favour.'

David Beckham is another who will be sweating on his World Cup place. Becks endured a 10,000-mile round-trip for just 10 minutes of action, a few days after celebrating his 10th wedding anniversary - a symmetry the former skipper would no doubt appreciate.

Becks' special gift to wife Victoria consisted of 10 roses tattooed on his arm. Which begs the question, why couldn't he just buy her some like everyone else?

Actually, he might be on to something there - instead of getting my other half those £300 Jimmy Choos for Christmas, I'll just get a drawing of some etched on to my arm - I'm sure she'd appreciate it more. (Just in case you're watching, dearest, that was a joke. The only choos I'll be able to afford this year are of the penny variety. The satsuma and bag of peanuts are a given, though.)

One person who does believe in traditional gift-giving is Cristiano Ronaldo, thanks to a remarkable revelation from Phil Collins. Big Phil said: "Cristiano sent my boys Christmas presents. He's a lovely guy, really charming."

As strange friendships go, that's right up there with Dale Winton and Graeme Souness - an association that apparently began when the Supermarket Sweep host spotted Mrs Souness in a restaurant and remarked "you're gorgeous", before gushing to the former Liverpool hardman: "And so are you".

Ronaldo's Portugal lived to fight another day after a crucial 1-0 win in Hungary but things aren't looking too clever for Diego Maradona, after his Argentina side made it four defeats out of five following their loss to Paraguay.
Maradona's living on a prayer
Before the 3-1 reverse to Brazil, Maradona organised a mass prayer meeting for the squad at their training ground - seems there's only so many times you can ask for a hand from God.
Former Brazilian left-back Roberto Carlos was in the news, following talk of a 'sensational' move to Notts County, while his old Real Madrid buddy Beckham was also forced to laugh off claims that he would be joining Sol Campbell at Meadow Lane. Shame, I'd pay good money to watch the Geriactricos in action.

Bizarre news of the week involved Manchester United defender Pat Rice Evra. According to the Currant Bun, when the Frenchman was asked what he planned to do when he hung up his boots, he replied: "I'd be a babysitter for my son...and maybe I can babysit for all the other players. I like TV too - a comedy show with my friend Ji-Sung Park would be nice!"

Footballers in sitcoms - why not? Team-mate Ryan Giggs once had a cameo in The Simpsons, while Joey Barton and Duncan Ferguson have both done a bit of Porridge.

Elsewhere, Southampton fans have launched a petition on Facebook to name the city's airport after Matt Le Tissier - can't see that getting off the ground - and Cheryl Cole has admitted she would love to buy Newcastle United, making hubby her first signing.

Not sure the Geordies would go for that - the last thing they need right now is another bloke called Ashley rocking up at St James'.

Meanwhile Dizzee Rascal declared, without a hint of shame, that he was a supporter of West Ham and Arsenal, before working on his latest mash-up: 'Hammertime (Hear The Gunner Get Wicked)'.

Story of the week comes courtesy of Popbitch, which reported: "As Chelsea face a long transfer ban...let's look back 10 years to a simpler time. We're told that Jermain
Defoe decided to leave Charlton to sign for West Ham aged 16...because West Ham promised to buy his mum a fridge."

Seven years later, Defoe found himself frozen out of Sven's World Cup squad. Football can be a cruel game sometimes.

And finally, back to the England/Beatles link, where a quick internet search revealed Fabio Capello will turn 64 during the World Cup. Will we still need him? You bet your life we will.

Have a good weekend one and all. I'm off to watch QPR-Peterborough on Saturday. If anyone sees me, do me a favour by heeding the tabloid headline marking England's qualification for South Africa and get de beers in.

Step forward Arsene Wenger, whose touchline histrionics at Old Trafford were likened to Basil Fawlty by some sections of Her Majesty's Press. Throw in Almunia giving away the vital penalty against Manchester United and it truly was Manuel from heaven for the Red Tops.

The Sunday Mirror pictured Wenger in mid-stride under the banner 'Don't Mention The Score' - which surely would have been in the running for headline of the decade, had it not been used by their arch-rivals to describe England's 5-1 triumph in Germany eight years ago.

To be fair to the Frenchman, despite the stamping of feet and flashing of eyes, he managed to retain his sense of humour, raising a little smirk as he stood among the great unwashed and later describing the penalty decision as 'Old Traffordish'.

Wenger's got form for making up words. When Arsenal beat United in the league last November, he declared: "I'm very excited about this team because...they are playerish."

And this bout of neologism (I had to look that up) appears to be spreading through the club. An article on the official website about work being done to fill the stadium with historic Gunners imagery was entitled 'Club Begins Arsenalisation of the Emirates', with Chief Executive Ivan Gazidis gushing: "I'm really excited about all the elements of Arsenalisation." Me too, Ivan.

At least Wenger's antics provided a spot of light relief in a week where the two biggest events proved as thrilling as the plot of a Jordan novel (not that I've read any, ahem).

First up was the Champions League draw, which roared on to our screens with the menace of a Ferrari but sneaked out the back in a Vauxhall Viva.

We were hoping for United v Ronaldo or Mourinho v Chelsea but what we got, in terms of British interest at least, was a squib damper than Lancashire's outfield on Twenty20 day. As the Guardian's Barry Glendenning observed: "I can barely contain my apathy."

Still, there was always transfer deadline day to get the juices flowing, with Franck Ribery bound to be heading to Old Trafford and Man City almost certainly preparing a world record bid for the reserve goalkeeper from AZ Alkmaar.

In reality (despite Sky dramatically switching to Big Ben to signal the end of the day's business), we got this from my esteemed colleague Stevo, who deserves a medal for his 12-hour clockwatch on the dullest transfer window ever.

"1535: Bristol Rovers forward Lewis Haldane has joined Port Vale on loan, while Wrexham striker Obi Anoruo has joined Welsh Premier League side Newtown on loan. I know. It's killing me too."

The biggest move of the window was arguably Niko Kranjcar's switch from Portsmouth to Tottenham, news which will have infuriated Croatian FA President (Infamy, Infamy, they've all got it Infamy) Vlatko Markovic.

He suggested the broken leg suffered by fellow-Spur Luka Modric at Birmingham was part of a wider conspiracy to nobble all of Croatia's top players before the key game with England at Wembley next week.

Markovic wailed: "In the past year, they (English footballers) have injured Eduardo and now the same has happened to Modric. I can only ask myself whether it is a coincidence or not.

"I can only ask whether someone did it deliberately on the eve of the game with England," he added, before catching sight of Lord Lucan serving Elvis Presley a cheeseburger in the Zagreb branch of McDonald's.

Over in the USA, David Beckham warmed up for England's double-header by scoring the winner for LA Galaxy against local rivals Chivas that propelled them to second in the table. Spare a thought for the Galaxy fans, who don't know whether to laugh or cry at their favourite pantomime villain.

Messageboard user dashiel summed it up when he quipped: "My new favourite bit of side-amusement at games is hearing people scream 'Beckham, you suck!' seconds before he scores, then cheering like crazy!"

England are likely to be led out at Wembley by John Terry, rewarded for umming and aahing over Man City's summer offer with a five-year deal worth a reported £40m. If my maths is correct, that's roughly £154,000 a week, £22k a day, £916 an hour or 15 quid a minute. In other words, in the time it took me to type out this paragraph he'd have earned enough to buy a round of drinks for his team-mates in a Wetherspoon's. A sobering thought indeed.

Ashley Cole also agreed a new deal, which is just as well given that Chelsea won't be able to sign so much as a birthday card for the next 16 months.

Meanwhile, Joleon Lecott was getting used to slumming it at Man City on a mere £90,000 a week. The player insisted "money means nothing" while being fed grapes by a team of Bond girls as he reposed on his diamond-encrusted chaise longue.
Sol Campbell is Notts about his new club
A few miles down the road, Sol Campbell was preparing to face the might of Aldershot and Accrington after dropping three leagues to play for Notts County. Just like his director of football before him, the 34-year-old insisted "it's not about money" after putting pen to paper on a lucrative five-year deal.

In the Carling Cup, my lot got a plum draw away to our old rivals Chelsea. I say rivals because QPR fans continue to have this romantic notion that the Blues consider us to be their biggest adversaries, despite not having played in the same league for 13 years.

The chickens came home to roost when we visited Stamford Bridge in last year's FA Cup. The chant to the eerily silent home fans was "We forgot that you were here" and the instant reply: "We forgot that you exist." Ouch.

Prediction? My heart says QPR will sneak a 1-0 win - my head says Chelsea will sneak a 6-0 victory.

Leeds-Liverpool was arguably the pick of the draw, but if the rumours are to be believed, down at Buck House all eyes will be on the Bolton-West Ham tie. According to the Sunday Mirror, The Queen has outed herself to staff as a Hammers fan (the rendition of 'One's Forever Blowing Bubbles' heard coming from the Royal bathroom was the clincher).

And finally, the story of the week involves former Everton striker Franny Jeffers, transfer-listed by Sheffield Wednesday for headbutting Port Vale skipper Tommy Fraser. But that was only the beginning of Jeffers' worries. Turns out Tommy's Grandad is none other than notorious gangster 'Mad' Frankie Fraser, who specialised in pulling people's teeth out with pliers.

According to The Sun, when Tommy was at Brighton, he was asked by a local newspaper reporter if his Grandad ever came to watch him play. Tommy replied: "No, but he reads your reports and he was unhappy you only gave me six out of 10 last week." The story goes he never got less than seven after that.

Before I go, apologies for not replying to any comments from the last blog I did. I ended up at The Oval for the Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the final Ashes Test (all bought and paid for before you ask) and was not really focusing on anything football-related. In fact come 6pm on the Sunday evening, I found it very difficult to focus on anything at all.

OTHER STUFF
Wenger plays the tambourine
American kid commentates on Arsenal game
Kung-fu kick during Bolivian derby

United's defeat by Burnley was the biggest shock since Robert Smith first discovered hairspray, as a thumping effort from Robbie Blake (or 'Blobbie Rake' as he's known in the trade) earned the striker the freedom of the city.

While Fergie's face turned claret and the United fans left feeling blue (must have been a long journey back), the real hero of the day was Burnley goalkeeper Brian Jensen. 'The Beast', as he is affectionately known, had a five-foot sausage sandwich named after him by a local butcher last season, but after Wednesday's heroics they might have to add another foot or two.

Hughes might have fallen from grace with Moyes but he took the trip to former club Blackburn a little too literally as he crashed to the floor in a failed attempt to shake Big Sam's hand. It's not clear what an amused Allardyce said in response, but he might well have gone to bed humming Culture Club's I Tumble For Ya.

Rock 'n' Roll seemed to be the theme of the week in football land. Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant looked a little embarrassed as he strolled out on to the Molineux turf to be unveiled as the new vice-president of Wolves, but couldn't have been too impressed to see his boys Trampled Underfoot by West Ham.

Three days later, the Midlanders' fortunes improved with a 1-0 win at Wigan to leave the former hell-raiser feeling a Whole Lotta Love. And yes, that is the sound of the Led Zep pun police screeching to a halt outside.

Over at Liverpool, Ryan Babel was making an unlikely cameo on British hip hop star Sway's new album. The Dutchman was described as a 'sick rapper' by Sway (I think that means good) and his word-play is obviously superior to his wing-play if last season is anything to go by.

Babel's boss Rafa Benitez was also back in the groove after Liverpool's defeat by Spurs, laying into referee Phil Dowd, accusing the fourth official (Stuart Atwell since you ask) of being too young and holding up a pair of glasses when asked to sum up the officials' performance. Not the first time he's made a spectacle of himself, some may suggest.

Neil Warnock was another manager acting totally out of character by losing his customary cool, although for once our Colin was completely justified following the goal that never was at Bristol City. So blatant was the mistake by Mr Magoo and his fellow-officials, the Crystal Palace boss escaped censure for his outburst over the affair that will forever be known as Ashton-gate.

Back to the music and Patrice Evra revealed he is the man responsible for the pre-match tunes in the Manchester United dressing room. The Frenchman said: "I have to change the playlist every time. You don't know these guys - they're like dogs!" Poodles is the breed that springs to mind after the Turf Moor disaster - perhaps Evra got the cds mixed up and played Send In The Clowns by mistake.

Back at City and Carlos Tevez followed former team-mate Ronaldo in heaping praise on the Gallagher brothers. The striker and brother Diego are in a band called Piola Vago back in Argentina and Tevez claimed: "You could say we are the Latin version of Oasis! "I would definitely jam with them some time if they were up for it. They could teach us a few things and we could teach them how to dance the Latin way."

I bet Liam would be right up for that.

Elsewhere, Killers frontman Brandon Flowers called his baby boy Gunner (better than Colly I guess), Aha's Morten Harket was outed as a Stoke City fanatic and Anton Ferdinand is planning a Michael Jackson goal celebration the next time he finds the back of the net.

The Sunderland defender said: "I've been contemplating a tribute to him but I'm not sure how it'll work out. I actually thought of putting a glove in my sock to pull out if I score...but it could be down there a couple of years because I've not scored for a while!"

In the Championship, Norwich manager Bryan Gunn was sacked one league game into the new season and replaced by Paul Lambert, the man who masterminded Colchester's 7-1 win at Carrow Road. On that basis, the next Brighton boss will be Huddersfield's Lee Clark, with Arsene Wenger taking over from David Moyes.

As for my lot, well forgive me for once again repeating that wry observation from a QPR messageboard wag, but we really do seem to be the only team in the world that's been taken over by billionaires and got worse. Flogged our best striker, didn't replace him and currently sit 17th with two points and two goals - not rocket science, is it?

After the Bristol City defeat the boards were awash with fans moaning and groaning that nothing had improved since last season, with this post from Hunter Hoop on Loft For Words particularly catching the eye:

"Coming to football grounds near you...The Queens Park Rangers boutique film company presents...'DÉJÀ VU', starring the same cast that brought you: 'Score in a Brothel? You Must be Joking!' and 'Sack the Manager'.

"Unbelievably frustrating,' says The Independent. 'Boring,' says The Times. 'I fell asleep" - Christopher Tookey of the Daily Mail. 'Funniest film of the year!' says Paul Ross."

Funniest clip of the week (apart from Sparky's slip) has to be Hull midfielder Jimmy Bullard attempting to pose for the Sky cameras while trying to keeo a straight face - as shown on Soccer AM. Priceless. That boy should be on the stage.

And finally, story of the week concerned one Kirk Bradley, who has had 'Manchester City 2011 Champions League Winners' tattooed on his right arm, complete with a large picture of the trophy. "I don't think anyone can doubt I'm a real fan," Kirk beamed. Or a prize fool - take your pick.

P.S. Apologies in advance for not being able to share the usual banter with everyone - I'm at The Oval on Friday (for pleasure, not work) and think it would be unwise for me to attempt to type when I get in. Will look in from home on Saturday.