Quotes of the week
Sir Alex Ferguson digs out a stereotype to blame Bayern Munich - who had six non-German players in their starting XI at Old Trafford - for getting Rafael sent off as Manchester United crashed out of the Champions League.
"I used to get a letter from a supporter saying I was off my head because I wasn't playing Steve Bruce at centre forward, although in fairness it was probably Brucie writing it himself - or his granny."
Fergie on his former captain, now manager of Sunderland.
Lee Westwood. "I'm Lee. Phil is coming in a minute. He'll be wearing a green jacket."
Westwood clearly thought someone was taking the Mickelson after missing out to the American for the Masters title.
"My players should be embarrassed. What I want now is a display with cojones."
Hull 'football director' Iain Dowie, after his side were more dog's dinner than dog's doodahs against Burnley.
James and Grant are in the pink
"We won't get into Europe because we haven't registered - such is the optimism at our club!"
David James after Portsmouth reached the FA Cup final.
"Are we good enough to reach Wembley? Can I grow a wig and dance in high
heels? Of course we can."
Blackpool boss Ian Holloway backs his side to reach the Championship play-off final.
"It doesn't bother me, good luck to him. He's in good form, he scored a couple
of goals, so what?"
Harry Redknapp after seeing former Tottenham striker Darren Bent score twice in Sunderland's 3-1 win at the Stadium of Light. When at Spurs, Redknapp said of a Bent miss: "My missus could have scored that."
"It was tempting to sit in the home dug-out... when I was getting ready to go out, I thought I'd get pelted with eggs."
The yolk is on Neil Warnock upon his return to Selhurst Park with QPR.
"I've got bags full of it, so it has been getting dished out across the dressing room. The boys have never smelled so good."
Jimmy Bullard's Hull team-mates wash and glow after he gets freebies from making an advert.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Attempts on goal is like going to a nightclub. Yyou could speak to 50 girls but if you're going home on your own, it's no good, is it? You could only speak to one and go home with her!"
Roy Keane's dating tips and Ipswich's scoring issues!
"It was extraordinary, there's no other word to describe it. It was embarrassing."
Brian Laws finds words where there are none, following Burnley's drubbing by Man City.
(William Brown, UK)
"First blow to Rangers in this south London derby."
BBC commentator on the match between Crystal Palace (SE25) and QPR (W12) - which apart from being West London, is also north of the river.
(Trevor Trotman, Wolverhampton)
"See, I told you he was overrated!"
Commentator after Lionel Messi mis-controlled the ball against Arsenal... just after netting his fourth goal.
(Nathan Murtagh, Ireland)
"Defoe, Nigel Crouch and Niko Kranjcar could all play against their former club."
FA Cup semi-final preview on BBC.
(Chris Wells, England)
"The game never really got flowing. We just wanted to play and Charlton wanted to play."
Southampton manager Alan Pardew after their 1-0 win over Charlton.
(Haseeb Hamdulay, Kuwait)
Directed by a Walsall fan in perfect Frank Spencer voice to Wycombe's ex-Saddler Kevin Betsy during a dire second half on Saturday.
"I'd ask for a glass of whiskey and a pistol."
RTE broadcaster Eamon Dunphy's response when asked what he'd do if he were a Manchester United director.
(Kieran Macken, Ireland)
"He's like a zombie hunter looking for a twinkie."
Ray Hudson, GolTV co-commentator talking about Xavi's pass for Messi's Goal during El Clasico.
(Gary McGuinness, Wales)
"It looks like he's fighting an octopus, he's wrestling the wheel so much."
Martin Brundle talking about Vitaly Petrov during Malaysian GP qualifying.
"He had his back to what was going on behind him."
Super League Sky Sports commentary from Harlequins v St Helens.
Jeff Stelling: "The game at Watford has been delayed - let's see if Chris Kamara has noticed, Chris?"
Chris Kamara: "I made one mistake at Portsmouth, so you send me to Watford!"
Banter on Soccer Saturday after Kamara completely missed a sending-off at Portsmouth the week before.
(Dave P, Macclesfield)
"Paris St Germain's ex-Chelsea midfielder Claude Makelele, 27, will announce his retirement from football this weekend."
From BBC website. Good for him. Retiring after growing 10 years younger.
"Fulham in a Europa League semi-final...it doesn't get any better than that."
Chris Coleman on ITV4 following coverage of Fulham v Wolfsburg. He
obviously doesn't think getting to the final will be that great!
(Dan Brown, Wirral)
"There is the linesman, Mr Pollock, and it's fair to say he has dropped a couple today."
Guy Mowbray's comment during the rather dull Forest v Cardiff game on the BBC.
"It's not affected him. He's a prop. He's only thinking of his next scrum and his next meal."
Northampton coach Dorian West reveals the complex mind of Soane Tonga'uiha since being involved in a transfer dispute with Saracens.
(Stephen F, UK)
Q: "Andrey, was Windows 7 your idea?
Andrey Arshavin: "Unfortunately, no."
From Arshavin's website.
(Tim C, UK)
"Arshavin - legend
Q: "I can run fast. I am a left striker. I run till the end of the field and then what should i do? The other strikers and midfielders don't run as fast as me after reaching there. What should I do?"
Arshavin: "Just keep on running."
Another gem from the Arsenal player.
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"He plays on the left, he plays centre mid, Charlie Adam could play for Madrid!"
Blackpool fans salute their hero at the Scunthorpe game.
(Graeme Hannah, Scotland)
"Exhausts in the morning, you're on exhausts in the morning!"
Fulham fans to Wolfsburg counterparts, regarding the Volkswagen factory that seems to employ two-thirds of the city's population.
(George Hudson, London)
"Benny is a dancer, skipping past defenders, Benayoun is everywhere!"
Liverpool fans against Benfica, to the tune of Snaps's Rhythm Is A Dancer.
"You're gonna be here for years!"
Altrincham fans to Oxford with the score 0-0 and Oxford's faint hopes of automatic promotion from the Conference fading fast.
Oxford immediately score...
"We're gonna be here for years!"
Altrincham fans amend their song.
(James Beagon, UK)
"What's that coming over the hill, is it the taxman, is it the taxman?!"
Swansea fans to Cardiff.
(Chris Kent, Wales)
"Football's coming home!"
Bayern Munich fans at Old Trafford after reaching the Champions League semi-final.
"You must be bad, we scored a goal!"
Stockport fans at Carrow Road upon equalising against Norwich.
"It's like being in church!"
Derby fans at a very subdued Coventry.
(Gerard Walsh, England)
"We're not singing anymore!"
Sung by Peterborough fans immediately after singing "You're not singing any more to the Leicester fans.
(Nathan Dewar, England)
"Sittingbourne, shish kebab, Sittingbourne, shish kebab!"
Folkestone Invicta fans at the Chatham Town game on Easter Monday. Well random!!
"You're just a small town in Oxford!"
"You're Welsh, and you know you are!"
Colchester fans obviously not too sure where the Swindon fans had travelled from.
"How do you watch this every week?"
Wolves fans to Stoke's travelling supporters after successive Rory Delap throw-ins.
(The Illusive Man)
"No noise from the Norwich fans!"
Quality chant from the Chelsea fans at Old Trafford, where home supporters have been wearing the green and yellow scarves.
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Glazers Out! We want our scarves back!"
Banner seen in the Norwich end at Tranmere, along with many yellow and green scarves!
(Sam Robinson, Wirral)
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Testing...testing...Celtic nil, Ross County 2...Testing."
Heard before the Partick Thistle-Dundee match.
"The full-time score from the Scottish Cup was Celtic nil, Ross County two. I'll repeat that for anybody who didn't hear: Celtic nil, FIRST DIVISION Ross County two.
Announced at half-time during Partick Thistle-Dundee (resulting in a chorus of cheers).
(Big Jim, Dundee)
"Welcome to Arsenal v West Bromwich Albion..."
Stadium announcer at the Arsenal-Wolves game.