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Chris Charles | 15:49 UK time, Friday, 12 March 2010

Rooney got the goals, Beckham got the scarf, but it was Owen who grabbed the headlines.

I know, I was shocked too. Anyone but cute, cuddly Mark - especially coming so soon after Terry's trials and tribulations, not to mention Cole-gate.

Meanwhile, on the back pages, the prodigal son and the young pretender were jockeying for position after Manchester United's demolition of AC Milan.

Rooney took his tally for the season to 30 and scored with a header for the seventh successive game - a feat he attributed to his balding pate. Take note, Phil Brown, and other managers at the wrong end of the table - if you want to see your fortunes improve, stick the Mitchell Brothers up front.
David Beckham and the 'Newton Heath' scarfBeckham is desperate to cover up that tattoo
As for Beckham, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry on his return to Old Trafford - so he did a bit of both. The warm welcome he got was followed by chants of "Fergie, Fergie, sign him up" - about as likely as the Glazers being asked to switch on the Christmas lights in Manchester.

"It's not for me to comment about the ownership of the club or how it is run," insisted Beckham, moments after donning the green and yellow rebel colours in front of 80,000 people and a TV audience of millions. The boy's clearly having a scarf. And I'm getting my coat.

On a personal note, it was good to see Becks heeding the advice of this blog from a couple of weeks back and losing the Planet of the Apes beard - which subsequently reappeared on the top of David James' head.

Meanwhile, Arsenal's under-fire striker was Bendtnering it like Beckham as the Gooners put five past Porto.

Against Burnley a few days earlier, the Dane looked about as threatening as the bloke off the Mr Muscle ads, but his hat-trick against the Portuguese champions forced The Sun to issue an apology for "wrongly giving the impression Bendtner could not hit a cow's backside with a banjo". Although quite why he would want to is anyone's guess.

The Currant Bun is on a roll at the moment, paying tribute to Peter Crouch's double against Egypt with the classic "Two Can Calm 'Em", and describing Liverpool's reverse in France as "Lille Savage" (who, incidentally, you may have spotted playing in goal for Derby in midweek).

Robbo blogged earlier on Liverpool's troubles, but I would like to pick up on the alleged V-sign Steven Gerrard flicked at referee Andre Marriner after he was booked at Wigan on Monday night.

Rafa Benitez dismissed the incident, claiming: "Sometimes you move your fingers, it was nothing." As excuses go, that's right up there with the dog ate my homework and I didn't inhale.

The authors of the Guardian's Fiver were particularly interested in why anyone would still be using this outdated gesture, claiming: "The last person in Wigan to do a V-sign in earnest was a 12-year-old boy leaning out of the top window of a bus in 1981."

On a similar theme, I quite liked this intro from the News of the World's Aidan Magee, covering the West- Ham Bolton game: "Kevin Davies is so unfashionable he might as well wear flared trousers on the pitch."

An enduring image - but certainly preferable to the sight that faced us on our TV screens as John Terry conducted his post-match interview following Chelsea's FA Cup defeat of Stoke.

The former England skipper looked like a cross between Mad Max and Rambo as he addressed the nation wearing nothing but his captain's armband and a dodgy haircut. Good to see he's keeping a low profile after his recent troubles.

In the Championship, Jonas Gutierrez celebrated his first home goal for Newcastle by putting on his trademark Spiderman mask, which he has kept stuffed down his pants since arriving from Real Mallorca two years ago. "I never thought it would take so long for me to have a chance to put it on," he confessed. "It does smell. I have only cleaned it once or twice." Thanks for that, Jonas.

Staying with superheroes, and our old friend Stephen Ireland, who you may remember had a penchant for stripping down to his Superman briefs.The Manchester City midfielder is flogging his Audi sports car - you know, the one that came with red trim and cost him £25,000 to get a blue re-spray after mickey-taking from United fans.

The original advert is said to have included the blurb "ex-Premiership footballer's car". Thought I hadn't heard anything of him for a while.
The Bentley given to Stephen Ireland's girlfriend (pic Cavendish Press)
The ultimate WAG mobile (pic Cavendish Press)
Meanwhile, Ireland's girlfriend has come to her senses and had the pimped-up Bentley he kindly bought her re-sprayed in a more conventional black and white (any excuse to use the picture of the original again).

Possible prank of the week involved an email innocently read out on the Football League Show. The email read: "I went to my first Charlton game today with my dad and I love the way that a lot of Charlton fans dress up as clowns. It really made my day fun. I'm definitely going to go again and next time I may even wear a red nose."

The word on the streets of Charlton is that it was in fact the work of a Crystal Palace supporter.

But these things have a habit of evening themselves out, and the story of the week involved a Millwall season-ticket holder experiencing a bit of bother with his seat ahead of Saturday's game with the Addicks, resulting in him buying another ticket.

To make matters worse, every spit and cough was played out on Millwall messageboard House of Fun. Due to a few naughty words, we can't link directly to it here (although I'm sure it won't be that hard to find) but here's a little taster:

Stuwall: "For some reason the ticket office told me my season ticket seat was gone. Strange."
Sylark: "Because it's sold - as in your season ticket - sold - purchased."
Stuwall: "Why should it be? My seat that I paid for should be my seat that I paid for. The bird at the window told me my seat was sold out. Strange."
Jimmy: "It's because you already have it."
Stuwall: "This is getting silly. I went to get tickets for the Charlton game and was told my seat was gone."
Br2lion: "Probably to you."

Five pages later, the penny finally dropped that poor old Stu had actually been trying to buy a ticket for his own seat, which the computer said had been taken - by him.

Right that's it. My lot are off to Sheffield United, hoping to make it three wins out of three for ex-Blade Neil Warnock.

I've sadly been denied permission to go to Bramall Lane so will instead be cheering on the QPR Tiger Cubs team for children with Down's syndrome - who I wrote about earlier this week - as they take on their contemporaries from Fulham, West Ham and Charlton in a tournament at Fulham's training ground. Hopefully it will be easier to get into than Millwall-Charlton (sorry, Stu).


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