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Chris Charles | 14:14 UK time, Friday, 19 February 2010

"I believe that Fabianski is top, top level and has massive potential" - Arsene Wenger on the eve of Arsenal's trip to Porto.

OK, not quite up there with: "Is he going to score, Kevin?" "Yes." But how Wenger must be ruing those words after his keeper's horror show on Wednesday night.

If the first goal was straight out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon, the second was Dumb and Dumber, with Fabianksi and partner-in-crime Sol Campbell wearing the startled expressions of men who'd just witnessed Lord Lucan riding past on Shergar.

It was all too much for Wenger, who, not for the first time this season, transformed into Basil Fawlty on the touchline. At one stage I half expected him to bounce down the tunnel with his head between his legs, before attacking the team bus with a leafy branch screaming: "You've tried it on once too often. Don't say I haven't warned you..."
John Cleese as Basil FawltyBasil Fawlty takes it out on the car
It's perhaps no coincidence that Rage Against The Machine have announced their free summer concert will be held on Arsenal turf. Wenger and Neil Warnock have adopted the 'Killing In The Name' approach when it comes to officialdom, and you can almost see them head-banging in the moshpit, belting out the infamous refrain.

Sir Alex Ferguson is another who appears to have fallen out of the angry tree and clipped every branch on the way down. The fiery knight hit the turbo boost on his hairdryer to publicly bawl out Jonny Evans after United's insipid first-half display in Milan.

"I was just giving him a bit of gentle advice," teased Fergie afterwards. "Our whole back four were going to get it, but he's unfortunate he was the nearest defender to me."

Still, at least Ferguson had a win to celebrate, thanks to Wayne Rooney, who produced a double-header to rival anything on Sky's Super Sunday.

Rooney almost missed the game after turning up late for the flight to Milan, requiring a police escort to the runway but showing that once he's in the air, there's no stopping him.

England fans will be praying their star man is on that plane to South Africa come June. The longer his electrifying, injury-free season continues, the more I get the nagging sound of a Tom Robinson tune in my head - Too Good To Be True.

As Daily Mirror columnist Derek McGovern observed: "Wayne Rooney's unstoppable form can only mean one thing - he's very close to breaking his metatarsal."

McGovern added; "Rooney said when interviewed after United's victory in Milan that he credited his superb form to the art of anticipation. What was really impressive was the way he answered the question before he was asked it."

I had a dilemma on Tuesday - did I a) curl up on the sofa to watch the United game with the heating on full blast and a 6-pack within stretching distance or b) sit shivering on a small plastic seat to watch QPR 'entertain' Watford in the pouring rain? Damn that blasted B option.

As it turned out, the answer was c) none of the above. The QPR game was called off an hour before kick-off due to torrential rain - the second time that has happened this season. As we appear to have more problems with the drainage in the lower field than Ted and Ralph, can I humbly suggest the club stops wasting money on rubbish players and installs a decent seepage system instead?

On the plus side, the other half agreed I could stop in the pub to watch Milan-Man U, before helpfully adding: "At least there is no chance of you losing tonight." She has a point - the last time we kept a clean sheet, Jenson Button was still waiting to be crowned world champion.

Staying with clubs who could be soap operas, it was another eventful week for Manchester City, with stories of Craig Bellamy involved in a bust-up with Roberto Mancini (no-one saw that coming), while Patrick Vieira copped a three-match ban for an assault on Glenn Whelan's nether regions.

The Stoke player squeaked afterwards: "Maybe if I was a bit bigger it would have hurt a bit more." At least his sense of humour remains intact.

Talking of humour, how about David Beckham's beard, which after a spell on the sidelines has come back bigger and badder than ever. I can only assume his advisers are giving him the Emperor with no Clothes treatment ("Oh yes, David, it really suits you") because to me it looks like the work of a crazed topiarist after a night out with Ronnie Wood.

Starting from below the ears, the face-fuzz has more gaps than the Pompey defence, drawing comparisons with Abraham Lincoln and, my favourite, Galen from Planet of the Apes.
Galen from Planet of the Apes and David Beckham Never see 'em in the same room
One would hope that if the beard is still in place the next time Becks visits Harrod's, he will be refused entry on the same crimes-against-fashion policy as the entire Shakhtar Donetsk squad, who were turfed out of the Knightsbridge store ahead of their clash with the owner's team, Fulham.

A statement on Shakhtar's website read: "The staff said that the group of customers was too big and suspicious. All of them were wearing similar tracksuits. The players explained that this was the football team and they had no habit of taking tuxedos to the training camp to go shopping." To rub salt into the wounds, the Ukrainians lost the game thanks to a stunner from Bobby Zamora. He can't.....can he?

Liverpool also hold a slender advantage going into the second leg by squeaking past Unirea with a late strike from David Ngog. I can't help noticing that commentators have of late been pronouncing the second 'G' in the Frenchman's name - maybe he's getting fed up of that wash-Ngog nickname bestowed on him by his team-mates.

In the FA Cup there were draws galore, including the 2-2 clash between Spurs and Bolton, which provided the commentary line of the week from ITV's Jim Beglin. When asked by Peter Drury what his Valentine's Day plans were, Jim replied: "I've booked a table for tonight - shame she doesn't like snooker."

Humorous song choice of the week came from the PA announcer at Crystal Palace and his pre-match selection of Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear The Reaper, while best
was provided by Southampton fans, who informed MK Dons' flame-haired skipper Dean Lewington: "You look like a Wotsit!" In which case, does that make Pierluigi Collina a Space Raider?

Which brings me neatly to the story of the week. Following newly-released MOD files, it can be revealed that, in 1999, two police officers saw four diamond-shaped lights over Stamford Bridge "move across the sky fairly quickly" - news that prompted LoftforWords messageboard user jonnoqpr to comment: "Diamond lights over Stamford Bridge? Must have been Hoddle and Waddle, surely?"

Right, that's it for now. Have a good weekend one and all. I'll be attending the QPR-Doncaster game with one of the good lady's male friends, who just happens to be a Donny fan. Could be a long afternoon.


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