Quotes of the week
"Maybe if I was a bit bigger, then maybe it would have hurt more."
Size matters for Stoke's Glenn Whelan after taking one for the team from Patrick Vieira - earning the Man City midfielder a three-match ban.
"I believe that he is either incompetent or dishonest, but I prefer to think he is incompetent."
Arsene Wenger after referee Martin Hansson allowed Porto to score from a quickly-taken free-kick in the Champions League.
"I believe that Fabianski is top, top level and has massive potential."
Wenger on keeper Lukasz Fabianski, before the Pole's horror show in Portugal.
"The staff said that the group of customers was too big and suspicious. All of them were wearing similar tracksuits. The players explained that this was a football team and they had no habit of taking tuxedos to the training camp to go shopping."
Shakhtar Donetsk statement after the squad was refused entry to Harrods, ahead of their Europa League game with Mohammed Al Fayed's Fulham.
"I'm surprised to hear about this. Normally, the chairman loves people to spend their money with him."
Fulham boss Roy Hodgson reacts to the news.
"I'm just off to check how many points we are behind Chelsea!"
Gianfranco Zola gets ideas above his station after West Ham beat Hull. For the record, if West Ham win all their remaining games and Chelsea lose theirs, the Hammers still can't catch them.
"He'll get a three-match ban. I hope he appeals and gets another one."
Derby's shrinking violet Robbie Savage, following the X-rated tackle on him that earned Swansea's Gorka Pintado a straight red.
"He annoys the life out of the opposition and he can instigate a fight in an empty barn."
Birmingham manager Alex McLeish on....Robbie Savage.
"Knowing him, it wouldn't surprise me if the old man dropped me!"
Bristol City's Lee Johnson, son of manager Gary, after scoring the winner against West Brom.
"I gave up celebrating Lee's goals when he was in under-nines football."
Johnson senior shows his compassionate side.
"I wrote the word 'ugly' on the board at half-time and I wasn't talking about myself - although I could have been."
Ian Holloway on watching his Blackpool side win ugly against Reading.
"I'm a gypsy and I've been a gypsy for many years."
Sven-Goran Eriksson has not dunroamin yet.
"I'm OK with nudity, I'm OK with being naked. There shouldn't be a big deal made about it."
Winter Olympics star Lindsey Vonn talks about the bare necessities, following her Sports Illustrated photo shoot.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
"It doesn't interest me who my captain and my soldiers go to bed with. I only care about the ideas they wake up with in the morning."
Carlo Ancelotti, 16 February.
"We are interested, me and the club, in protecting the image of this club. Not only the players and the manager, all the staff - the people who work in this club - have to protect that image... Now they know what they have to do and what behaviour is expected of them when they're in a Chelsea shirt."
Carlo Ancelotti, 19 February.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Cruciate ligament injuries are a pain in the backside."
Ray Wilkins on Joe Cole's long road back from injury. (MrBlueBurns, England)
The next train will be leaving from platform 2 - next season
"And it would appear Everton will likewise have to plan without Fellaini, who had been due to visit the specialist last week before his train to London was cancelled, at least until the start of next season."
From the BBC website. Not many trains in Liverpool, then?!
"Aston Villa are always dangerous on the counter with the likes of their Ashley Coles, James Milners, Gabriel Agbonlahor."
Dion Dublin on Villa. Ashley Cole?
"The centre-backs were like they've only played twice together, and that's because they have."
Doncaster manager Sean O'Driscoll after the 2-1 defeat by QPR.
(Craig Nicholson, England)
"If Liverpool draw, they'll be on level points with Man City."
From Fox TV commentary. So, only one team gets a point in a draw these days?
(Anna Stolarski, Romania)
"They've just had a huge chunk of slice."
Paul Walsh - Sky Soccer Special.
(Droitwich Blue, UK)
"It's been a cure for insomniacs all over the world."
Commentator fails to get excited about Liverpool in the Europa Cup.
"That one would have been a goal if it had gone in."
Dion Dublin cleverly analysing Wayne Rooney's free-kick against Everton.
(Charlie Baker, England)
"We decided to put the foot on the pedal towards the end - and it came off."
Paul Collingwood describes the painful-sounding tactics employed by his players in the Twenty20 win over Pakistan.
"He is like a cat in a way - you can throw him around or up in the air and he always seems to land on his feet."
Harlequins RL coach Brian McDermott, talking about winger Will Sharp.
(Conrad Edkins, Halifax)
"I thought we did well in the first-half, but the first-half precedes the second-half."
Mark Robins shows some spectacular insight after his Barnsley side's embarrassing second-half performance against Plymouth.
"Lambert has scored 60% of all of Southampton's goals, but I wonder how many of the other 60% he has set up?"
Commentator during the Southampton-Portsmouth game adds an extra 20% to their goals tally. Oh, and Lambert hasn't scored 60% of their goals, either!
'Hey KP, I heard someone say you're no longer the world's best batsman!'
"When you know the best batter in the team isn't scoring runs, of course you love it as the opposition."
Kevin Pietersen describing his poor form on the tour of South Africa.
Modest as ever - Ed.
"You never know what will happen - warranties and guarantees are for washing machines."
Mark van Bommel on Bayern being 'guaranteed' to beat Fiorentina in their Champions League last-16 match.
"People have to realise we're the only northern hemisphere team in cricket."
Paul Collingwood, in the Metro newspaper, appears to have forgotten that West Indies, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka and Bangladesh are also cricket-playing nations from the northern hemisphere.
(Jack H, UK)
"Arsene Wenger is gyrating furiously with the fourth official."
Commentary on an internet stream for the Arsenal-Porto game, following Porto's second goal.
"Liverpool have started positively here."
Commentator on Channel 5 - after seven seconds of their game with Unirea Urziceni!
"Free-kick awarded for a foul by Francisco Fernando on Francesc Fabregas."
From the FC Porto-Arsenal live-text on BBC Sport. Alliteration at its best!
(John Bourner, England)
"This club turned out to be so weak that Fulham had no other choice than to smash the guests without mercy."
Shakhtar Donestk's report of Fulham v Notts County.
WINTER OLYMPICS SPECIALS
"It's Crosby and Nash on this line, all we're missing is Young and Stills!"
BBC commentator Brent Pope on Canada's musical-themed ice hockey line-up.
(Stephen F, UK)
"To beat Canada on their own soil is special."
USA ice hockey forward Ryan Kesler after their shock win over Canada. Perhaps the Canadians would have won done better if they'd played on ice!
(Steve Buttigieg, Belgium)
Albert Steptoe was a big fan of bath-sliding
"The Bath slider...."
BBC Sport wesbsite's description of golden girl Amy Williams and her apparent bathroom hobby.
(Richard Jeffs, Canada)
BBC commentary at the speedskating INDOOR arena.
(Sam Hollis, UK)
"Number Yellow hasn't been doing very well."
Eurosport commentary of the men's snowboard cross.
(Matt Darley, Oxford)
"I can't say for sure, but it was definitely an injury!"
The BBC2 commentator in the snowboard cross small final after Britain's Zoe Gillings pulled up before the first jump.
"And Kelly is lying down in 13th place now."
BBC commentary from the women's skeleton. I thought they all had to lie down!
(Chris Huff, Italy)
"It's the kind of shot she would get nine times out of 100."
Steve Cram commenting after British women's curling skip Eve Muirhead missed a shot.
(Will Haggerty, UK)
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Saw your mum on Jeremy Kyle..."
West Brom fans to a rowdy Reading fan.
"Singing we've got Ledley at the back...sometimes."
Spurs fans about their injury-prone defender.
Refereeing today's match..
"The referee's a Womble!"
Chant at Berwick Rangers match.
(Hugh Petit, UK)
"You're Hull and you know you are!"
Fulham fans when playing Shakhtar Donetsk (they wore an orange and black kit).
Plymouth fans to the Swansea physio.
"You're just a fat Steven Pienaar!"
Dartford fans to the Tonbridge Angels number eight, who bore an uncanny resemblance to the Everton star.
"Born in a town in Algeria, Belhadj! Belhadj!
"He fitted the Fratton criteria, Belhadj! Belhadj!
"He turned down the Nou Camp to come to Pompey,
"He's fast as a cheetah and fit as a flea.
"Nadir Belhadj, Portsmouth's 39!"
Pete Alexander (what a guy) on Sky's FanZone.
(Pete Alexander, UK)
Nothing like bigging yourself up, eh Pete? Ed.
"Daddy, Daddy, help me out!"
Blackpool supporters to Preston manager Darren Ferguson in the Lancashire Derby at Deepdale. Sir Alex was in the crowd.
(Dan Raistrick, England)
"Ding dong, ding dong - where's your bell gone?"
Saints fans to Pompey - instruments aren't allowed in St Mary's.
"Rooney, Rooney, what's the score?"
Everton fans against Manchester United.
"You'll never shop at Harrods!"
Fulham fans to Shakhtar Donetsk, after the Shakhtar players had been turned away from Mohammed Al Fayed's shop.
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"Let's give it up for Partick THISTLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
Announcer at Firhill, followed by a deadly silence.
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