Review of the week
As David prepared to slay Goliath in Germany, there were giant-killings galore in the FA Cup.
Northwich Victoria led the way with a 1-0 win over Charlton, described by one embarrassed fan as "like having a row with your missus in public".
Addick1965 on the Charlton Life messageboard groaned after the game: "Nothing to shred/punch/kick/break/sold my old Slayer stuff...so I thought I'd have a nice bath and now the damn water has gone off...nothing, nada...no pressure at all and it appears it's just in my house as the neighbour's water is fine...so ends a terrific day :( "
Meanwhile it was Poppies' day at Hartlepool, with Kettering securing a famous win. The players then watched the draw for round two as boxer Carl Froch put in his thumb and pulled out a plum in the shape of Leeds United.
Booyakasha, wikkid, innit
Elsewhere Bath City triumphed at Grimsby, while there was only one word to describe Shrewsbury's defeat by Staines. Massive. To put the icing on the cake, the winner was scored by Ali Chabaan - nickname Ali C - although questions had to be asked of the Shrews' defence, like: "Is it 'cos they were slack?".
I must admit I had a bit of trouble remembering which teams were non-league and which weren't. Seeing the likes of Luton and York cast in the minnows' role seemed quite odd, while I could have sworn Mansfield were in the league last time I looked.
Meanwhile over at the Kassam Stadium (hang on a minute, what happened to the Manor Ground?) the roles were reversed as those perennial giant-killers of old, Yeovil, were sent packing by Oxford, winners of the League Cup a few years back - a dark day I have tried to blank from my memory.
Before the game, Dons midfielder Ricky Wellard was anticipating a rough ride in the Lions' Den, admitting: "I always get a bit of stick from opposition fans - they do a Bianca and scream 'Rickaaaay!' at me."
Sadly for Wellard, Millwall managed to hold on to their lead - unlike Robbie Jackson when the player's namesake was run over in Albert Square.
For Haye it rounded off a perfect three days following his win over Nikolay Valuev. My colleague Honest Frank, who boasts of close ties with the champ (he met him for the first time on Monday) informs me Haye is a mate of Strictly Come Dancing star Jade Johnson and may appear on the show at some stage to lend his support. Frank has already written Brucie's introduction for the boxer..."Let's get ready to rumba!"
In the red corner, Liverpool's season shows no signs of improving after they were held at home by Birmingham. Rafa Benitez's men earned a point thanks to the theatrics of David Ngog - the biggest dive I've seen since reacquainting myself with the local boozer a couple of weeks back.
While Liverpool flounder, Chelsea go from strength to strength, opening up a five-point gap at the top thanks to their controversial win over Manchester United. A series of decisions in the build-up to Chelsea's goal left Sir Alex Ferguson performing his Kevin the Teenager routine on the touchline and he has been sent to his room for the next two games to think about what he's done.
Rooney also got into the act at Chelsea, mouthing "12 men" to the TV cameras - a supposed snipe at the referee - or perhaps he'd just been asked what you would need to lift Steve Bruce.
What do you mean there's no pies left?
The Sunderland boss was pictured on a beach, under the headline 'Bruce Wobblar', looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders - or more accurately, inside his tummy. Still, it explains why Darren Bent went missing against Spurs - the gaffer had eaten him.
When Sam Allardyce was sacked by Newcastle last year, Bruce joked: "I am sure we will see pictures of Big Sam in his Speedos walking along a beach somewhere. That won't be a pretty sight." You said it, Brucie.
The former Manchester United defender was more complimentary about Andy Reid when revealing the secret to his midfielder's new slimline look. Bruce explained: "He's stopped putting things in his throat basically - it's quite simple." Ahem.
Reid failed to make the Republic of Ireland squad for the first leg of the World Cup play-off with France, a tie that has seen Pat Rice Evra develop a strange phobia.
The big French defender said: "I've had the impression for days that people have been wearing green on purpose.
"Maybe it's just my imagination but the other day I opened a can of Sprite, took a good look at it and decided I had to swap it for another drink. The moment I see anything green I think about the Republic of Ireland." Must have made for a tough few days out on the training pitch.
Meanwhile, England prepared to take on Brazil without the services of David Beckham, involved in play-off duties of his own with the Galaxy. Thankfully he's seen sense and got the beard-trimmer out, but has suddenly developed a blond quiff.
It reminds me of my mis-spent youth as a psychobilly when I'd follow The Meteors around the country and throw myself into the moshpit for a spot of 'wrecking' - a dance where you thrust your arms out repeatedly in front of you. Only trouble was, I was a foot shorter than some of the real meatheads and ended up getting repeatedly punched in the face. Great days.
Stop press: My boss has just walked through the door and announced that Beckham in fact looks like Jedward. Darnit, why didn't I think of that?
Joining Becks on the England sidelines is Frank Lampard with a thigh strain (incurred because the plane the squad flew in was too small, if you believe The Sun). Lampard's free-kick set up the winner against Man Utd, although the main talking point was the Chelsea fan caught by the cameras casually brushing his teeth during the game. Or Cole-gate as it's now known.
The tooth is out there somewhere
After an appeal on 5 live's 606 phone-in, a man claiming to be the culprit told Spoony: "I was wanting to get to the game and I put it [the toothbrush] in my pocket and forgot to brush my teeth. I thought no one was looking. I always brush my teeth before I go anywhere. I thought no one was looking at me."
Spoony then felt obliged to ask why the fan was wearing sunglasses while the floodlights were on and he replied: "I saw my ex-girlfriend at the game. The reason I was wearing sunglasses was to disguise my face." Yep, that worked.
And finally, the non-toothbrush story of the week involved Liam Gallagher, who pulled on his boots to play in a charity match for Berkhamsted (a phrase no doubt often used in anger when his brother used to reside in the leafy London suburb).
A team-mate said: "He raced up and down the wing and came close to scoring a few times. Then he stayed until 1am drinking and telling stories. He even played the lads some new songs." It's good to know Liam realises the importance of being idol.
Have a good weekend one and all. I'm off to Brixton Academy on Saturday for a spot of Dad-dancing to Carter USM, famed for their 'You Fat B******' anthem. Steve Bruce is not expected to attend.