Review of the week
With baby Rooney finally entering the world, there was only one name on everyone's lips - the sportsdirect.com@St James' Park Stadium.
As snappy titles go, it's right up there with Monty Python's Johann Gambolputty de von Austfern...of Ulm, and a band that used to gig round my way - Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead.
McLove on the Newcastle United Mad messageboards said: "Your owner needs to be sent naked from the town on a donkey", while Slim Fella over on The Roker Roar site observed: "The guy just needs to make them wear red noses and green wigs on the pitch and his job will be complete."
It's not clear whether broadcasters will be required to use the full name every time they cross to the stadium for goal updates - but if it's a five-goal thriller against Peterborough on Saturday, Brucie might be left twiddling his thumbs for a while.
Artist's impression of proposed new Spurs stadium
Chelsea are the latest club to be linked with a name change - Bridge Over Roubled Waters perhaps? - while an artist's impressions of Tottenham's proposed new arena suggests it will be known as the Naming Rights Stadium. That takes me back to my schooldays when a mate fronted a rock band called Plus Support - causing much teenage hilarity at the time. You had to be there.
Staying with the theme, my colleague Honest Frank suggested the Emirates could be renamed the Specsavers Stadium in honour of Arsene Wenger's selective eyesight, while given my lot's recent poor showing at home, Loftus Road might become known as Choker Park before the season's out.
But enough of all that, let's get back to Kai Wayne Rooney - or Lil Wayne as he'll doubtless be known.
The Sun predictably splashed on the event with a classic headline - "He's small, he's round, he weighs about 8lbs" - and even the broadsheets were getting involved. The Guardian did a feature asking what the name meant (anything from ocean to gravy since you ask), while the Telegraph strangely asked: "Was Kai Rooney named after a Chinese restaurant?"
I did a little digging of my own and discovered the little fella shares his birthday with Marie Antoinette and, er, Southampton legend Jason Dodd, while he already has an army followers on 'his' Twitter page - including this latest gem: "Very excited about friends at Playgroup - Reina's son Nobe and Kuyt's son Boyce - but Mark Hughes' daughter will be there too - Luxury-Tish.."
The most startling revelation came when I rather pointlessly decided to see which artists were at number one on the boy's birth date over the years.
After trawling my way through the likes of Barbie Girl and Every Loser Wins, I was on the brink of throwing in the towel when there it was staring back at me. The 1963 chart-topper on 2 November was none other than Gerry and the Pacemakers with...You'll Never Walk Alone. At last something to bring a smile to the face of Liverpool fans after a week to forget.
One song that won't be topping the hit parade next summer is England's official World Cup anthem, after Fabio Capello reportedly pulled the plug.
An 'FA insider' told the News of the World (so it must be true): "Fabio does not want anything that could possibly detract from the preparations - even in the slightest of ways.
"There were a lot of big names wanting to record a song - very big names." What, like the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band?
Much as we'd all love to hear JT attempting the John Barnes role in a reworking of World In Motion, it's probably no bad thing - you can guarantee Three Lions will be re-released for the 235th time anyway (although 44 years of hurt doesn't scan quite so well).
One player hoping to be on the plane to South Africa is Theo Walcott, who has been a frustrated spectator as Arsenal carve up all and sundry. The injured 20-year-old was back in the news this week following a story that he'd bought girlfriend Melanie Slade a £140,000 Ferrari for her 21st.
The enduring image of the last World Cup was of the pair walking around filming everything on their camcorder like a pair of excited teenagers (which in fact they were). Since then Walcott has been slowly changing from the boy next door to the boy-next-door-as-long-as-you-live-in-a-multi-million-pound mansion-somewhere-in-the-leafy-suburbs. And fair play to him.
If I'd been rolling in it at that age I'd probably have adopted the George Best mantra: "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered." Although if I won the Lottery tomorrow it would be more like: "I bought a three-bedroom semi and a Mk I Capri. The rest she just squandered."
Walcott witnessed the Gunners' demolition of Spurs in the north London derby, which prompted one Gooner to bring news of a special gift for Tottenham fans: 'A commemorative dvd celebrating the first 42 minutes against Arsenal.' To put it into context, the last time Spurs got one over their rivals in the league came in 1999 when boy band Five were enjoying their first number one and Bradford and Coventry were in the top flight.
Staying with Tottenham and there was an interesting feature in The Sunday Times last weekend entitled 'Confessions of a Cabin Crew', featuring a host of mid-air revelations.
One flight attendant recalled: "We often get football teams flying to European games... without doubt the rudest was Spurs. None of them said thank you for anything. One player in particular, a striker, sat with his headphones on and refused to take them off, and none of them would lift their window blinds for take-off and landing.
"By contrast, Manchester United were incredibly polite. Sir Alex Ferguson was all 'yes please, no thank you', and all the team were exactly the same. They were all linked up together playing Fifa football....like a bunch of little schoolboys. The only one who wasn't playing was Ronaldo, who just rolled his eyes at me whenever I walked down the plane, as if to say, 'Look what I have to put up with, with these kids'."
David Beckham and his interesting face fuzz
In other news, Posh Spice has reportedly bought hubby a pair of pet micro pigs for Christmas which he plans to name Pinky and Perky. Although they might not be quite so perky when they catch sight of the pork chops currently stuck to his cheeks.
Becks agreed a deal this week to go back to Milan in January and there was a juicy story on Halloween about former manager Carlo Ancelotti's obsession with pumpkins.
The Chelsea boss's dad used to farm the giant vegetable and Ancelotti is still a member of the Reggiolo Pumpkin Growers' Association. Local bar owner Maddy revealed that as a boy Ancelotti used to eat so many pumpkins "I'm surprised he didn't turn orange". So that's Phil Brown's secret.
Elsewhere, Cardiff were told not stay in Swansea ahead of Saturday's South Wales derby in case fans set off hotel fire alarms to wake them up. And of course a Cardiff sympathiser would never have done the same thing to turf the QPR players out of bed at 4.00am ahead of the 2003 play-off final, would he? Not that I'm bitter, you understand.
And finally, story of the week came courtesy of the Football League Show and one of the emails sent in to Lizzie Greenwood-Hughes. It came from two Rotherham fans called Dave and Dan who had made the long trip down to Aldershot for the League Two clash - only to discover upon their arrival that the game was actually being played in Rotherham.
Have a good weekend, football fans. And here's to Sheffield Wednesday, the team of fellow-bloggers Michael Gray and Tom Fordyce, not to mention my other half's Uncle Ronnie, winning all their home games this season apart from the one on Saturday.
I am a journalist with BBC Sport, dealing with the more offbeat stories doing the rounds. I am a QPR fan - and also quite fond of football. If our new-found wealth brings success I'll be happy to tell anyone exactly where I was when we were sh... rubbish - row J seat 139. 
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~13~RS~)
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Classic!
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what about everythingmustgo@Ibrox Stadium?
Highly relevant for one of the so-called "Big Two" up north who are hoping to play in England every other week bar one.
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I always though a good band name would be 'Free Beer'. Maybe Middlesbrough could change their stadium name to Free Beer @ The Riverside.. That might get more than the fifteen fans who seem to turn up to their games at the moment.
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Don't know whether its because I had a couple of pints with my dinner or not, but I thought that was pretty funny.
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Ah the Mk 1 Capri, the most stylish looking road tank ever, and handled like one too. I had a mate whos Capri weighed over half a ton.
Speaking of which, Anfield could be renamed St James Park. Because Liverpool fans are starting to sound like the fans of the biggest club in the world. Just need to put some stripes on over those red jerseys. Statler and Waldorf will find a queue of nobodies, with Paul Ince at the head of the queue to the take over...
Ah yeah Liverpool and the Mk 1 Capri, great in their day, but now destined for the scrap heap. Perhaps when the go bust the fans will launch a club called Liverphoneix.fc.capri
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Great blog. Very funny. Where can we get this confessions of a Cabin Crew? I can just imagine the egotistical players playing FIFA as themselves...Rio as Rio, Wazza as Rooney...etc etc
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Thanks again Chris for the usual Friday afternoon pick-me-up.
On the Sir Alex front, it's not the first time I've heard him described as a complete gentleman by people who have met him. Makes you wonder why he only shows his irascible side to the media; kind of live PR in reverse!
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Yes, totally classic. But Come on' whoever wrote 'Confessions of a Cabin Crew' was either mad or being completely sarcastic. Sir Alex Ferguson being nice. The bit about spurs..that I believe.
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*"'like' PR in reverse", sorry!
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Kai Wayne - the Liverpudlian Art of Self-Defence; leap two-footed at opponents's knees then spit on ground and stomp off with aggrieved and petulant expression on face.
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3. howardthehunt: Free beer at a football stadium? Reckon you're on to something there - that would put at least 15,000 on the gate. Not sure which team you support (Boro?) but down at our place it's around £3.50 a pint in a plastic glass and by the time you've got it you can hear the announcement that the teams are coming back out so it's gone in 60 seconds.
4. Bury are Fantastic: Couple of pints with your lunch? Aren't you the lucky one. Back in the old days when I was court reporting in Northampton, it was standard to have two or three pints of a lunchtime in Court Five (the codeword for the boozer) - these days it's a sandwich and a cup-a-soup at your desk (if you're lucky).
5. collie21: Glad to see another Capri afficionado. When I was growing up they were very much furry dice, wide-boy mobiles, but the passing of time has rendered them a classic. At least I think so. I've got two non-football dreams - 1. To own one of those little beauties and 2. To watch a whole West-Indies-England Test series in the Caribbean. Not too much to ask is it?
6. JackTruth007: I interviewed Wayne Rooney (name drop, name drop) last year and he's a big fan of computer football games. He said: "When I used to play when I was younger I always used to edit it in so it was me and whoever up front, but now when my name's already on the screen it's a bit weird!"
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Another entertaining read for a Friday afternoon…
I wonder who they would pick if they weren’t themselves though? Would Nani play as Ronaldo (in his dreams), Berba as a striker (in his…), Rio as John Terry (and would he deliberately make some mistakes so he looked bad), Vidic as Torres but letting himself be tackled by Vidic….?
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7. Corpusboy & 8. thehonorarytitle: My colleague, the afore-mentioned Honest Frank, met Fergie a few years back when he did a tribute to Sir Bobby Robson on SPOTY. HF said he was charm personified. Of course you'd never believe that when you see him screaming at officials from the technical area or tearing a strip off a journalist at a press conference, but then football does funny things to people.
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Charlsie... Always love them mate, and this one was a blinder.
Thats a shocker those two blokes coming all the way from Rotherham to Aldershot only for the match to be in Rotheram... Its a enough of a misery coming to my fair town with a reason, let alone going thier needlessly... poor blokes. Ah well, i'm sure they sampled the delights of the garrison borough and then 10 minutes later went home... (it's amazing how quick you can see a hooker and get in a fight in Ashot).
Also, "I bought a three-bedroom semi and a Mk I Capri. The rest she just squandered."... Our wives could be sisters!
and #4 Bury are Fantastic... You are going down, we just let you beat us senseless at home the other week, to lull you in to a false sense of security...
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Great blog Chris one of the best on the BBC in my humble opinion..
Question and a request for you..
(1) I have the mighty QPR in my bet this weekend, will they do it?
(2) Will you please ask Garth Crooks if he actually watches any premier league football? I check his team of the week every monday and it's just full of anyone that managed to score a goal..he had a. beachball at left wing a few weeks ago!
Cheers
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i used to own a black mk2 capri with gold alloys er those were the days of no power steering n traction control handles like a tank but loads of rear wheel fun until it met with a tree off a country road my dad wasn't happy
funny blog.....'confessions of a cabin crew' is a classic hard to believe SAF and neville being polite mind you it was probably ryanair spurs players used for their flights and the rush for a window seat
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good one - like the story of the 2 Rotherham fans. Although I made the 44 years of hurt joke on Robbo's blog about 2 weeks ago are you reading the comments and then just recycling the best ones here a couple of weeks later?
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too bad spurs haven't put together a world class team yet to go with the new stadium. Stadium looks likes the bird's nest stadium in beijing.
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Brilliant read, Chris. At one point I was instantly transported back to Jollity Farm, arm in arm with a Gorilla. Or was that funny farm?
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Good blog the Rotherham fans had me laughing when I saw it on the League show. Took some guts to mail it in eh?
Oddly SAF is a gentleman (massive bias aside here). I met on a flight from Manchester to Amsterdam where he was off to visit PSV (van Nistlerooij), he was extremely polite.
Like the cabin crew bit as well
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Yes indeed Mr C another applause worthy effort, actually standing ovation from me.
Now I'm reseated I'd like to touch on the England team WC song, or lack of one to be exact. Now, I have the uttermost respect for Mr Capello, he certainly has transformed that team, yet I can't see the harm (unless it's on our ear drums) of letting the lads continue this great(!?) english tradition. One of the first Albums I ever owned, I bought it 2nd hand at a flea market, was a compilation of the hits of the year 1970. The hits on this vinyl (you'll have to google that kids) included the legendary Kinks - Lola, Mungo Jerry - Summertime, Sandy Shaw - Puppet on a String and my favourite at the time Back Home from the England WC team. Looking back it was a truly awful song, but that's not the point, hearing that track always gave me a strange and unexplainable sense of national pride, and isn't that the whole point of the World Cup?
Here's hoping FC has a change of heart and lets the squad partake in this bit of fun, although simaler to what our chances are of actually winning the WC, I'm not getting my hopes up too high.
One other thing Chris, you'll have to forgive me for being pedantic about this, but I have had this discussion/arguement in three different languages so I have been left with a bit of a trauma.
"down at our place it's around £3.50 a pint in a plastic glass........"
There's NO such thing as a plastic glass.
O.K, weirdo rant over, I,m off to shake uncontrolably in the corner.
Peace
H2H
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Great blog Chris!! Look forward to reading it everytime!!!
15. At 3:18pm on 06 Nov 2009, superNightshift82 wrote:
Garth Crooks team really is a bunch of rubbish. I dont think he watches the games at all. He probably just looks at the stats on the website and pulls players from that
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Good blog,
my better half works for a london hotel where united stay when playing in the city. She said man united are by far and away the most courteous and well mannered team who stay.
Always saying please and thank you and never wanting to make a fuss.
Except for one player on there last trip Michael Owen, who wanted specific water and threw a bit of a tantrum and was not very respectful to staff.
It got back to ferguson and he had a quiet word and explained thats not how a united player behaves. which seemed to do the trick as everything was fine afterwards.
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14. RedBlueArmy92: "Our wives could be sisters..." - you've just promoted me from boyfriend/partner to husband! Admittedly we've been together 10 years and have two kids, but one step at a time!
15. superNightShift82: 1) I hope for your sake (and mine) that the R's can manage a win at Hillsborough but we've only taken one point from six in our last two games (both at home) so I'm going to reserve judgement and just keep everything crossed. 2. I don't know Crooksy personally but I'm sure he probably watches more PL football than I do, so I'm not going to knock him!
17. adampsb: No, I didn't copy it off you guvnor - honest! Great minds think alike, obviously. Actually, I wouldn't say mind is particularly great, but you know what I mean.
21. Holloway2Holland: Well you never know, it may not be true - and even if it is I'm sure there'll be plenty of unofficial England anthems. Surely the perfect time for Chas 'n' Dave to reform? 'No such thing as a plastic glass'. Of course not - I feel such a fool now.
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Nice blog, always a fun one which doesn't seem to get the amount of comments it deserves (though this may be a good thing, no adampsb, H2H, Gaz love/slag all others fests - quite sad little clique sometimes that one)
As for the 'plastic glass', although it sounds wrong it is simply common usuage - in this case 'glass' meaning drinking vessel which could indeed be made of different materials. The same exists in other languages (as H2H was refering to - for example 'verre' meaning glass in French, 'verre en plastique' meaning plastic glass).
Guess we could say it is a workable oxymoron, like millitary intelligence, white night (non-far north usage) or intelligent ManU fan (had to put that one in).
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I'm intrigued that the Rotherham v Aldershot game was played in Rotherham, since the Don Valley Stadium is in Sheffield...
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The last sentence of this blog I read was:
"The most startling revelation came when I rather pointlessly decided to see which artists were at number one on the boy's birth date over the years."
Sums it up for me........rather pointless
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26. CousinKev: Thanks CK - depends when it goes up really. 100-odd the other week when for once I managed to get it published before lunchtime, but I always seem to be scrambling round on a Friday morning adding bits on and taking bits off - must try harder!
27. SnoopDonny Dog: Oh lordy - how did I let that one slip through the net? Hats off to you - you're bang on the money of course. How about if I changed it to say played AT Rotherham? Bit of poetic licence involved there, granted, but it is Rotherham's ground.
28. Roberto_ Mexicano: Ha ha - classic! You're right of course, completely pointless drivel. Although you're the first one to have a pop, so I haven't done too bad.
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Ferguson was all politeness and smiles? You and the BBC will get slammed for having an agenda after that comment- he's SUPPOSED to be the pantomime villain!
Nice blog although the funniest part has to be 'sportsdirect.com@St James' Park Stadium'. Quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
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#3 free beer at Middlesbrough would be good but this is what generally happens at these things.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Cent_Beer_Night
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Kai is an interesting name. Among the Vai and Mende peoples of Liberia and Sierra Leone, Kai means "man". Hence, Lil Wayne should be called Man Wayne Rooney.
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On the United players playing Fifa. Do you think that the re-do the Champions League Final in Moscow, and miss on purpose with John Terry and laugh?
On the Theo Walcott buying his girlfriends a £140,000 Ferrari. Is she going to use that to go to University, and if I recall, in a previous review Stephen Ireland bought his girlfriend/wife a expensive car with all the gadgets and personalized details? When are they going to drive these because surely they go out with the husband's 90% of the time, and only one needs to drive?
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CC, Loved (oops sorry CousinKev) liked a lot, the Spurs commemorative dvd, here's another for you're collection.
http://img689.imageshack.us/img689/2510/newzombiehalloweenposte.jpg
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Disappointing. Very disappointing. But I guess Wazza Junior was too much to hope for.
14. "it's amazing how quick you can see a hooker and get in a fight in Ashot"
Got to move there. I waste too much time as it is looking for both...
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Isn't Pinky & Perky what David's supposed to call the wife's adornments afore the ribcage??
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Cent_Beer_Night Makes me proud to be a Yank. Usually it takes at lesat a big city power outage to get any life out of a US crowd.
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Nice work Chris. I associate your Friday blog with the beginning of a joyous boozy-do, much like the Wonder Years on Radio 1. Good man!
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Once heard of a band in the 80`s called, `Head Cleaner`. Didn`t sell many cassettes.
`Kai` in norwegian means `quay`...as in a place where you find ships and boats.
When Fernando Torres came to Liverpool he flew in with his girlfriend on EasyJet. Top bloke!
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loved the story at the ebnd great blog this week very funny
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Chris, the 2003 Championship (or Division 1) playoff final was against Sheffield United and Wolves - I won't mention the score, it still hurts a little.
Unless of course you're talking about the League 1 p/o final (mahaha)
Have a good weekend Chris!
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Phew - home at last after battling London Transport and the pouring rain. And what's this - no kids, empty house? Surely an excuse to go on the lash, but no, I'll do a bit more on here. Plus the fact, they're bound to be in very shortly.
30. socrates_says: Don't worry, he's STILL the pantomime villain - just showing his softer side.
33. Liam McDonagh: Ha ha! You can bet your life they do.
34. Holloway2Holland: Ooh, cheeky! I live dead in between Arsenal and Spurs so will happily get splinters in my backside on that one.
37. RedWhiteandermblue: Ten cent a beer night? I was expecting it to be from this year before I clicked the link to discover it happened in 1974 when I would have missed out for two reasons: 1. Milk was my beverage of choice at that tender age. 2. I didn't own a passport until 10 years later.
38. tommyb1982: Glad to hear that, Tommy, but remember...drink responsibly!
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Chris - I often read but seldom post, but seeing you speak of the greatness that is the Capri, have you seen the little black number that often is parked near Loftus Road with QPR embossed on the back instead of the badge?? Its a beauty!
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