Review of the week
As swine flu took up residency in the Premier League, health officials were left spitting mad.
Following news that the virus had floored players from Blackburn and Bolton, the Health Protection Agency immediately declared war on the dribblers (admittedly not something associated with either club).
An HPA spokesman said: "Spitting is disgusting at all times... footballers, like the rest of us, wouldn't spit indoors so they shouldn't do it on the football pitch." (Hang on, isn't a football pitch outdoors?)
He added: "If they are spitting near other people it could certainly increase the risk of passing on infections. It is a nasty habit that should be discouraged."
Spitting is a given in the Premier League
Fine words - and don't get me wrong, swine flu is no laughing matter - but how exactly do they propose to enforce it? Perhaps the TV companies will introduce a new 'gobcam' feature on the red button - three hoicks and you're out?
And Fifa might think about extending the fair play league to name and shame offenders, prompting a straight fight between Flobbie Savage and Robert Greeny. I've got me coat.
Telling a footballer not to spit is like asking Jordan and Peter to carry out a normal everyday function without at least 14 TV crews in attendance. It's got to the stage where it's an involuntary action for the players and not an ideal role model for your kids - although back in my day it was the punks doing all the spitting.
I remember hitching up to Newcastle with my mate to watch The Ramones play and throughout the gig, frontman Joey Ramone was using a towel to wipe the spittle off his face. At the end of the concert I managed to procure said towel and proudly left it at the end of my bed. When I got back from school the next day my mum announced: "I don't know where that filthy thing came from but I've given it a good wash." Grrr.
Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce was annoyed Rovers' game with Chelsea was not called off after three of his players contracted swine flu, insisting Chelsea were at serious risk of catching a dose. But Carlo Ancelotti has already got battle plans in place in the shape of "my grandmother's prescription - hot milk, alcohol - red wine. Fantastic".
The Telegraph suggested Allardyce, along with his old mate Sir Alex Ferguson, were in fact suffering from a touch of whine flu. One minute Fergie was accepting an improper conduct charge for having a pop at Alan Wiley, the next he was questioning whether Andre Marriner had the experience to officiate in their defeat at Liverpool.
Then we had the curious case of Fernando Torres celebrating his strike in the 2-0 win by repeatedly gnawing his shirt. A case of once bitten twice sigh for United, perhaps.
Staying in the Premier League and John Terry has revealed a passion for fishing. "I can sit there for hours, turn my mobile off and watch the world go by - my biggest catch is a 28lb carp," said the Chelsea captain - while strangely neglecting to mention the one that got away in the Champions League final.
Talking of the Riverside, Middlesbrough caretaker boss Colin Cooper had a few words to say about star player Adam Johnson ahead of Gordon Strachan's arrival. "He is definitely going places," raved Cooper. Liverpool, Everton, Sunderland.... take your pick.
Further up the road and in the week Babs Windsor announced she was leaving Albert Square, there was a right old Carry On at Newcastle, with the 'Cockney Mafia' deciding to stay put. Owner Mike Ashley reportedly declared: "Coo, luvaduck and stone the crows. I'd laav it, laav it if we went up" (even though he's actually from Hampshire).
Ashley risked fury from fans after claims the stadium name might be changed to raise funds (The Cheryl Cole Arena was the suggestion from one wag on Whoateallthepies) and his u-turn ended the dreams of local businessman Barry Moat.
I've always thought his name sounded like a Viz character and to celebrate the comic's 30th birthday this week, here's a classic Top Tip for our dearly beloved players: 'Footballers: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.'
Over at Hull, Phil Brown dismissed claims his job is on the line following the departure of chairman Paul Duffen by insisting: "My players are a million per cent behind me." Many commentators suggested watching Hull's 0-0 draw with Portsmouth on Saturday was more painful than pulling teeth. Having experienced exactly that at the dentist's on Thursday morning, I can assure you they are wrong.
Meanwhile fellow strugglers West Ham released a rogues' gallery of people they would like to contact in the wake of the Millwall trouble. A quick scan reveals a few familiar faces - No 83 looks like Rooney, 100 is the spit of Keano and 97 is a dead-ringer for the legendary Mooro himself.
Elsewhere, El Hadji Diouf has followed the example of Stephen Ireland by having the initials of wife Valerie stitched into the seats of his Cadillac. Just to confirm, that's Valerie Diouf. And there was great nickname potential down at Watford as striker Henri Lansbury netted a double against Sheffield Wednesday. Got to be 'Angela', surely?
Stan Collymore has some radical plans for the top flight
The Hornets are on a good run, but they will never be in the top flight again if Stan Collymore has his way. In his column for the Daily Mirror the former England striker said: "I would like to see the Premier League comprised solely of the clubs who have been the biggest and most successful sides in modern history....there would be no promotion or relegation, which would allow those teams to grow."
Collymore added: "I think we should forget the 39th game and just have the top 25 clubs in the country playing 50 games. I'm salivating at the thought." Quick, someone call the Health Protection Agency. Oh, and Carol Vorderman to check Stan's adding up.
It would certainly put paid to any dream I have of seeing top-flight football at Loftus Road again (does second place in 1976 count, Stan?) - although QPR have been preoccupied with more important matters.
Academy assistant Marc Bircham revealed the players have been banned from wearing multi-coloured boots "because we don't want them getting too flash". That's Marc Bircham who during his playing days took to the field with his hair dyed blue and white.
Meanwhile joint-owner Bernie Ecclestone has a spring in his step after going public about his 30-year-old Brazilian girlfriend. Good work, Bernie, but not quite in the same league as 112-year-old Ahmed Muhamed Dore, who has just married his sixth wife, aged...17.
And finally, story of the week comes from OK magazine, via Popbitch, and features a "super-glam 24 hours" in the company of Jermaine Jenas' fiancee, Ellie Penfold.
She gushed: "Jermaine is really generous - he bought me some Christian Louboutin shoes for Christmas which I love. But the best present he ever got is priceless - a tattoo of my face on his forearm."
Have a good weekend one and all. Half our office are coming down to watch QPR-Leicester on Friday to see what I have been raving on about - which virtually guarantees a hard-fought 1-0 win for the Foxes.
OTHER STUFF
Cristiano Ronaldo 'sings'
Nagoya Grampus manager, Dragan Stojkovic, scores wonder goal
Lehmann v the ballboy
I am a journalist with BBC Sport, dealing with the more offbeat stories doing the rounds. I am a QPR fan - and also quite fond of football. If our new-found wealth brings success I'll be happy to tell anyone exactly where I was when we were sh... rubbish - row J seat 139. 
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~47~RS~)
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Quality read as per usual - never fails to make me laugh!!
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Charlsie you old rogue... quality mate! The JT line was a blinder... dont know what it is but you can just tell JT likes fishing just from the look of the guy. and its good to hear footballers partkaing in normal (well sishing) activties... Wonder if he plays darts?
Congrats for the super hoops current form, i see your assistant gaffer saying that adel taarabt (i think it was him, i was busy tucking in to 2 microwave pizzas at the time) is the best he has ever seen... Hope you can keep him...
I usually predict an Aldershot score at this point, but as we keep losing i'll not bother... and to make things worse, Tony Adams has said he'd be interested in managing the cup...
"its blue, its square were going down to there!"
Ah well...
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for some reason i wrote cup instead of team... either were gonna win someting or i was distracted by the cup of coffee just placed on my desk... i guess the latter!
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What a goal by Stojkovic!
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does stan know that if there was 25 teams you would only play 48 games...you don't play yourself as far as i can remember.
damn...his plan is doomed from the outset
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Stan Collymore's idea is proposterus! What would smaller teams have to achieve? And how would you judge a teams place in said 25 team top flight? Wigan and Hull are there now but how would the compare against the history of Leeds and Notts Forest. Would teams like Bolton be thrown out for being to "small" and big clubs (I laugh.... wait for the sarcasm) like Newcastle (lol) brought in.... STAN.... SHUT UP!
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2. kopitecelt: Second!
3. superNightshift82: Aw, go easy on him! Actually next week I might stick in the first comment myself as soon as it's published to really nark people off. Bah humbug!
4. RedBlueArmy92: Funny you should say that, there was an article in the Currant a while back talking about how Terry had got all his team-mates into darts, which pre-dated their Champions League final defeat to Man Utd (here's what you could have won etc.) I was sadly up 'til the early hours of this morning watching Bullseye - not the same without Jim Bowen though.
As for the Shots, keep the faith - you're only three points off the play-offs and it's only high-flying Rotherham away next (gulp). By the way, two pizzas at once - colour me impressed.
7. tomefcccam: Indeed, that was the point I was making - hence the Carol Vorderman reference. I'm sure Fergie and Wenger would be well up for a 48-game season, virtually guaranteeting no time for any Champions League action. Colly's vision would incorporate the most successful clubs from the last 100 years - good news for Huddersfield fans but not so great for those 'appy 'Ammers.
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The Ramones were the greatest band ever - i'm jealous you got to see them live!
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9: Ah mate they was the little ones, from goodfellas... not nearly as impressive as it sounds... still a hearty lunch. And thanks for the encouragement, its just if TA comes in.... shudder!
I knew JT liked his darts, wonder if hes any good? Has he ever slipped up on the Ocky?
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Bolton and Blackburn sharing a sentence with dribbling... Hahaha! nice one Chris very nice. Allardyce did have a shout for England Manager before Mc Brollie didnt he? By the way,did u ever tell ur mum what it was all about? How big a whacking did u receive?
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Folks, check out the last post, I think Stan has the right idea, but this guy obviously has the planning of it nailed on, excellent read
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/mattslater/2009/10/footballs_trusts_must_keep_the.html#P
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sorry, not the last post, post #57
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Great blog again - I'm jealous that you've seen The Ramones do their stuff in person, but that's really nasty regarding the spittly towel! Your poor mum!
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Quality as always
I agree with the Leicester part at the end - no idea how we held that win at Reading - but to be fair, the opposite (playing well but not scoring) has happened to us so many times before it's nice to finally be on the other end!
Stan Collymore is on his own planet
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10. millersmoustache: Yes, being an old git does have its advantages sometimes (although I wasn't quite old enough to have seen them in '76 I hasten to add). Saw them again in 1985 at the Milton Keynes Bowl on what was arguably one of the best bills you're likely to see. The gig started off with the Faith Brothers, then Billy Bragg, Spear of Destiny, The Ramones, REM and U2. Belter!
11. RedBlueArmy 92: Tony Adams - hmmm. Great player but not a brilliant record as a manager thus far. Remember when he was suggesting in the summer that he was nailed on for the Celtic job? Whatever happened to that?
12. Mancunian-in-Kenya: Now I know there's the old joke about United fans living in Surrey, but that's a fair old round-trip from Africa! Think I actually had a teenage strop at my mum because she'd washed it but as I recall I'd folded it in half so the offending matter didn't come into contact with her (probably). She was more annoyed when she discovered I'd bunked off school to go to the gig. Don't do it, kids - it's not worth it.
13. tomefccam: You're not wrong, Mr Slater is a master of his trade - the 2008 Sports Internet Writer of the Year, no less and now popping up on your screens as a TV reporter for BBC Sport.
15. EricDantona: Yes, The Ramones were fantastic live and are sorely missed. Funnily enough I was more concerned about the tainting of some great rock 'n' roll memorabilia than my poor old mum, so I'll apologise to her now. Love ya mum! x
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Cheers RBA for the heads up, & your guys could do a lot worse than TA, who probably would be decent at darts seeing how much time he used to spend in bars.
Another blinder Mr Charles.
I managed to catch the Derby v QPR game last week and your boys looked the biz'. Nice to see one of our young guns,Simpson, doing well and seemingly fitting into the team.
To be honest, I was pretty surprised to hear B'burn have been having trouble with the swine flu, most of their players look to slow to catch anything.
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While he's perfectly entitled to his views, who in their right mind is going to accept the opinion of someone like Stan Colleymore. Failed football mercenary, would-be 'big-time charlie', woman-beater, creepy 'dogging' afficianado. Let's get real here and stop providing this contemptible person with a platform for his own self-promotion. Let's all just ignore him from now on!
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While he's perfectly entitled to his views, who in their right mind is going to accept the opinion of someone like Stan Colleymore.Failed football mercenary, would-be 'big-time charlie', woman-beater, creepy 'dogging' afficianado.Let's get real here and stop providing this contemptible person with a platform for his own self-promotion.Let's all just ignore him from now on!
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groovyGoalmachine, I agree mate....twice.
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Good read Chris. Still couldnt believe the link with that old man and the 17yr old. How does he expect her to bear kids??? Doesnt that stuff turn to powder after like 80 or so lol. I myself dislike spitting all over the field especially since players always come in contact with the turf and dont see the need for it to be done all the time. As a goalie, I spit maybe twice during a game!!
And I dont appreciate the fact that you were bashing Fergie. He did have a few good points to make with some of the calls the ref did or didnt make.
Overall great blog and looking forward to more!!!
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I agree with whoever it is banning multi-coloured footwear for the club academy (QPR perhaps, can't be bothered checking). Back in the day it was only the world's most supremely talented players who could get away with ditching the regulation black boots for something white, silver or yellow and now you go and watch a sunday league match and there's a 20 stone bald bloke trundling down the wing at 0.2 miles an hour in bright pink luminous boots, its all gone too far.
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Anyone else noticed that big, grey, trunked thing stood in the corner of this 'review of the week'?
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22. MUFCTrini: Agree with the spitting - not nice. Although, have to hold my hand up and say I've been guilty of it in my time. Never remember doing it as kid in the park though (jumpers for goalposts) so there must come an age when you consciously decide it's time to spit.
Course I wasn't bashing Fergie! Why only a couple of weeks ago I was saying how much we'd miss him when he eventually retired. But it wasn't his best bit of timing to have another pop in the same week he accepted his miconduct charge.
As for the 112-year-old - I'm amazed that everything's still in good working order at his age. There was an article today about a man becoming the father of twins at 71 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1224022/UKs-oldest-father-twins-71--wife-aged-25.html - although he's seven years' younger than one of the other fella's sons!
24. BeyondThe Pale: Er, big grey trunked thing? Do you mean my profile pic? I'm aware I'm no oil painting, obviously.
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If grabbing a woman's arse is now considered sexual assault, does that mean we can't look forward to any more Carry On films?
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In response to 8, Bolton are in the top 15 for top flight points. So small? I don't think so.
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BTP, I think the Carry On films have had it, I meam would you still want to grab at Bab's butt
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Good line from David Haye, before his 'fight' with the 7"2' Valuev.
Went something like "It's not like he's 9"6' or something; he'll look that big when he's lying on the floor."
Nice idea, Davey boy, but I think he's going to be mullered - that bloke is a monster.
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Great blog. One of the few things I look forward to on Fridays!
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Well, H2H is from Amsterdam not North London so the international parsi is well represented. Saw that Lawro gave Utd 4-0 against B'burn. Is it coz they hav Swine flu or are too slow to catch anything? I hav never seen that generous a predo!
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Chris, why did you post that video of Ronaldo singing? I'd got off work early and was just about to enjoy a nice cold beer with my feet up. Now I feel sick to the core, have double dropped my elderly neighbour's beta blockers, and am off to batter the dog.
Collymore, eh? His name will soon be as notorious as that of David Icke. He's mad, bad, but ultimately sad. And now he's talking crazy about an entire restructure of the league as we know it. Would the Old Etonians qualify as I think they won the FA Cup once?
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Mancunian-in-Kenya, I was born in North London (Holloway) but have lived in the NL for many years, so your right this is a truly international blog.
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32. At 6:01pm on 30 Oct 2009, Mancunian-in-Kenya wrote:
Well, H2H is from Amsterdam not North London so the international parsi is well represented. Saw that Lawro gave Utd 4-0 against B'burn. Is it coz they hav Swine flu or are too slow to catch anything? I hav never seen that generous a predo!
I laughed when I saw that predo myself!! But seeing that they have received a bunch from Chelsea and Arsenal I guess Lawro would be on point. But only 4?? 6 sounds like a more viable number with the swine flu and all....
34. At 6:12pm on 30 Oct 2009, Holloway2Holland wrote:
Mancunian-in-Kenya, I was born in North London (Holloway) but have lived in the NL for many years, so your right this is a truly international blog.
You are correct. I am a Trinidadian living in New York and I read English soccer blogs lol
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See, people shouldn't egg Collymore on; there are some out there who, believe it or not, don't regard what he says as the rantings of a bitter lunatic who wasted a perfectly good career like no other.
People like Stan Collymore should be shunned by the general media, not given a platform to spout their errant nonsense.
It's like giving the BNP a platform on Question Time; there's always the danger of the idiotic message leeching out to a minority of nutjobs who can end up in a position of power one day, imposing their frighteningly stupid views on the rest of the populace.
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Mancunian-in-Kenya, I just saw a report on dutch tv about the popularity of solar powered mobile phones in Kenya, the manufactuers are enjoying record sales.
Some how I can't see them enjoying the same level of sucess over here or in the "sunny" U.K. (How's that for a prediction)
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We could have a wind-powered one.
Or tides.
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"We could have a wind-powered one."
I'm not going anywhere near one of those.
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U would see such a report in Europe. Our news media is OBSESSED with politics! Though, it is bad politics that has brought it about since electric power is largely concentrated in urban areas. Necessity is the mother and all that
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Holloway2Holland.
Cheers, mate. God knows how I managed to post it twice. Might go for the hat trick next time!
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Perhaps a methane powered watch for this country. be a bit of a pain having to go round to Stans house or Westminster to refuel it from the bullsh*t.
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YeboahYeboah, At least that's a fuel source that will never run out.
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brill read. Collymore's a funny man isn't he?
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Awesome read Chris! Even Robbo can't beat this one!
What a crazy suggestion from Stan, but from a man of his intelligence it's no real surprise.
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26 said "If grabbing a woman's arse is now considered sexual assault, does that mean we can't look forward to any more Carry On films?"
If shooting someone with a gun is now considered murder, does that mean we can't look forward to any more Die Hard films?
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Nice blog today Chris; brought back happy memories of a Milton Keynes mosh-pit in the pouring rain! The Ramones were fantastic; at the peak of their talent while still capable of three songs in five minutes! 'don't know if you remember though? REM were actually canned off!
solar mobiles is a great idea in an honest society; here in Cyprus it's common to see €300 mobiles left around charging up, but try that in the UK and see what happens!
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Is this the BBC or the Sun? This article seems to be a collection of weak observations backed up by terrible puns. Really poor stuff.
Someone stitched his wife's initials into the backseat of his car? DID HE REALLY? Put that straight in the article, especially since, hehe, the initials are VD!!! Oh, the irony! And altering players names to sound a bit like words associated with sneezing. Genius. It's like reading Oscar Wilde.
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48
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."
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Well, a "review of the week" and not one mention of Southend Uniteds plight in League 1......
Some funny points, but all biased (typically) toward the top flight.....how original.
Come on BBC - try and mix the content up a bit.
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"If shooting someone with a gun is now considered murder, does that mean we can't look forward to any more Die Hard films?"
I think you'll find it's only considered murder in certain circumstances, so Die Hard films are ok.
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I think trying to get footballers to stop spitting is a bit stupid. You definitely need to spit a few times a match, especially in winter, and I don't think any of them are gonna start swallowing it instead any time soon 8|
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This is probably one of the worst articles I have read on the BBC website. It is this type of moronic reporting that makes it acceptable for football players to be such bad role models.
I do not think it is acceptable for this to be published.
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"Fine words - and don't get me wrong, swine flu is no laughing matter - but how exactly do they propose to enforce it?"
Why should anybody have to 'enforce' this? Why not just show a bit of intelligence and respect and stop spitting. It's obvious that it passes on viruses. What happens when these players play abroad? It's just aiding the spread of The Swine.
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how about spittoons mounted around the pitch?
players could "yock" to their hearts content, then wait to be allowed back on by the ref.
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"Meanwhile fellow strugglers West Ham released a rogues' gallery of people they would like to contact in the wake of the Millwall trouble. A quick scan reveals a few familiar faces - No 83 looks like Rooney, 100 is the spit of Keano and 97 is a dead-ringer for the legendary Mooro himself."
it's even better than that... some of them are actors in The Firm!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8335331.stm
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I think the spitting is becoming epidemic. Players do it automatically. I can also understand why, saliva is generated and players remove it! I noticed today, watching LA Angels v New York Yankees Baseball that it is even worse there, players spit even in the dug out!! Every player was on full screen spitting regularly, even the managers.
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