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Review of the week

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Chris Charles | 13:36 UK time, Friday, 25 September 2009

Before I start, here's some breaking news - Ryan Giggs has just scored to make it 5-3 in the Manchester derby.

I'd love to take the credit for that one but it's been doing the rounds all week, following the added-on time to the added-on time at Old Trafford - the most talked-about seven minutes since The Beatles released Hey Jude.

And what a corker it was. If Carlsberg did stoppage time they couldn't have done any better - Mark Hughes certainly looked like he needed a drink by the end of it.

It was almost inevitable that Michael Owen would get the last-gasp winner to sink City, although it did present a tricky problem for the tabloids.
Sir Alex Ferguson and Gary Neville Fergie and Nev do the touchline two-step
Under normal circumstances, Owen's goal would have automatically repaid a slice of the transfer fee, but because he came on a free The Sun instead gave us the cut-out-and-keep Ferguson watch, which automatically adds seven minutes to your day. Suffice to say I won't be putting mine on during rush-hour again.

Meanwhile, Sir Alex was leaping around like Basil Fawlty on acid, accompanied by faithful lieutenant Gary Neville, who gave us arguably the comedy moment of the season so far.

Red Nev charged towards the City fans, arms aloft, before suddenly remembering Adebayor's indiscretion the previous week. He immediately slowed to a canter and pretended to be warming up - despite knowing full well all three subs had been used.

Nev's cameo reminded me of the classic Peter Kay sketch when someone runs for a bus, misses it and then makes out they didn't really want one after all.

City supporters were understandably gutted but in the words of Nick Berry (remember him?), Every Loser Wins. They may have lost the game but at least (according to The Sun) they've won the really important battle to get sultanas removed from their half-time chicken balti pies, following a concerted campaign. I'm sure you'll join me in raisin' a glass to them (while I get me coat).

One man who looks like he could put away a pie or three is Diego Maradona, although the Argentina coach has more than enough on his plate at the moment. As well as the ongoing struggle to qualify for the World Cup, the Italian authorities are continuing their dogged pursuit of him to recover a reported tax bill of 37m euros incurred during his days with Napoli.

The tale took a bizarre twist when Maradona visited an Italian health clinic last week and promptly had a pair of his trademark diamond earrings (worth 4,000 euros) nabbed by police. Three years ago, officers took two Rolex watches off him, saying they were acting on orders to seize any valuables "within plain sight" (although why he was wearing two watches is anyone's guess).

Luckily I have a ruse to sort this mess out once and for all. All Maradona needs to do is knock out Mr T and stick him on a plane to Naples with an accompanying note for police to confiscate his bling. Debt paid. Job done. I love it when a plan comes together.

Maradona was joined in the international managers' club by former opponent Bryan Robson, who took over the Thailand hot-seat vacated by Peter Reid. What is it that attracts these former England players to the tropical paradise where they can earn 60 times as much as the average airline pilot I wonder?

Although still nowhere near as much as Sol Campbell was on at Notts County. The former England captain lasted a whole 29 days at Meadow Lane, slowly getting himself back to fitness before making his debut and final appearance in Saturday's 2-1 defeat by Morecambe, by which time (according to my figures) he had racked up an estimated £140,000. Kerching!

In the Carling Cup, Barnsley produced the shock of the round by toppling Burnley, while I was at Stamford Bridge to see 'plucky' (hate that word) QPR go down to Chelsea (not keen on that word either).

My first priority was to make sure I got home in one piece after hearing a bloke behind me in the pub utter the immortal line: "Chelsea have come down proper firmed up - tools the lot." Gulp.

There were a few running battles - fortunately nothing on the scale of Upton Park - which I avoided by bravely chatting to a very nice policeman inside the shopping precinct. Turns out he was a Millwall fan (you don't get many of them to the pound) who was spared the decision of whether to attend the West Ham game because he happened to be on holiday. Result.

Game of the week was at Elland Road where Leeds were desperately unlucky not to send Liverpool packing. The Reds finally squeezed home thanks to a goal from David Ngog, who has been given the hilarious nickname of 'Wash' by his Liverpool colleagues. That's got to be right up there with 'One Size' Fitz Hall, 'Jukebox' Durie and 'Chris' Musampa.

Meanwhile, Newcastle's Steven Taylor revealed the reason for his X-Factor celebration after scoring against Plymouth.

He said: I've been getting stick about my teeth from the lads. They've been calling me Simon Cowell, telling me I've had them chemically whitened. So I gave it the X-Factor sign when I scored.

"I was going to hitch the shorts up to my nipples. I thought that would have been a good celebration, but the fans would have thought, 'What the hell's he doing?'"

Hard-luck story of the week involved Blue Square North outfit Fleetwood Town who had the mother of all journeys to Hyde last Saturday.

First of all the team coach suffered a blowout, stranding the entire squad on the hard shoulder of the M61. As luck would have it, the supporters coach spotted them and a few kind-hearted souls gave up their seats so the players could continue their journey. Unfortunately that's where their luck ran out.

Fleetwood lost the game 2-1 and on the way back, the team's replacement coach caught fire, dumping the players back on the hard shoulder. Manager Micky Mellon (presumably known as Mick Fleetwood these days) was being filmed by the club's intrepid press officer, Derick Thomas, when the blaze broke out.

Micky: "We're on fire, Derick."
Derick: "But we'll carry on with the interview, Micky. So Farsley Celtic Saturday..."
Micky: "Yes an FA Cup tie and another big game for us. And, erm, one that we'll be looking forward to. We....I cannot concentrate, Derek - I've got smoke all in my eyes."
Derick: "Micky Mellon, we'll go and put the fire out. Thank you very much." Legend. P.S. The drama unfolds three minutes into the interview.
Chas 'n' DaveThere'll be no more rabbit from them
And finally, the saddest news of the week, year and quite possibly the century was the announcement that Chas 'n' Dave have split up.

I know what you're thinking - what's that got to do with sport? But come on, this is the pair who made Ossie's knees go trembly and put the loopy into snooker.
C 'n' D became a cult band for the youth of today after supporting The Libertines - and I was lucky enough to catch them at Glastonbury a couple of years back, surrounded by a group of 16-year-olds who looked at me in a bemused fashion and said: "What, you actually know all the words?" Gertcha.

Have a good weekend one and all - particularly you RedBlueArmy92, who correctly predicted last Friday: 'Crewe Alexandra 1-2 Aldershot... You heard it here first!' I'm so pleased I had so much faith in you that I put precisely nothing on it. So come on RBA, what have you got for us this week? I've got children to feed, you know.


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(Some content courtesy of Off The Post football blog)


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