Review of the week
Before I start, here's some breaking news - Ryan Giggs has just scored to make it 5-3 in the Manchester derby.
I'd love to take the credit for that one but it's been doing the rounds all week, following the added-on time to the added-on time at Old Trafford - the most talked-about seven minutes since The Beatles released Hey Jude.
And what a corker it was. If Carlsberg did stoppage time they couldn't have done any better - Mark Hughes certainly looked like he needed a drink by the end of it.
It was almost inevitable that Michael Owen would get the last-gasp winner to sink City, although it did present a tricky problem for the tabloids.
Fergie and Nev do the touchline two-step
Under normal circumstances, Owen's goal would have automatically repaid a slice of the transfer fee, but because he came on a free The Sun instead gave us the cut-out-and-keep Ferguson watch, which automatically adds seven minutes to your day. Suffice to say I won't be putting mine on during rush-hour again.
Meanwhile, Sir Alex was leaping around like Basil Fawlty on acid, accompanied by faithful lieutenant Gary Neville, who gave us arguably the comedy moment of the season so far.
Red Nev charged towards the City fans, arms aloft, before suddenly remembering Adebayor's indiscretion the previous week. He immediately slowed to a canter and pretended to be warming up - despite knowing full well all three subs had been used.
Nev's cameo reminded me of the classic Peter Kay sketch when someone runs for a bus, misses it and then makes out they didn't really want one after all.
City supporters were understandably gutted but in the words of Nick Berry (remember him?), Every Loser Wins. They may have lost the game but at least (according to The Sun) they've won the really important battle to get sultanas removed from their half-time chicken balti pies, following a concerted campaign. I'm sure you'll join me in raisin' a glass to them (while I get me coat).
One man who looks like he could put away a pie or three is Diego Maradona, although the Argentina coach has more than enough on his plate at the moment. As well as the ongoing struggle to qualify for the World Cup, the Italian authorities are continuing their dogged pursuit of him to recover a reported tax bill of 37m euros incurred during his days with Napoli.
The tale took a bizarre twist when Maradona visited an Italian health clinic last week and promptly had a pair of his trademark diamond earrings (worth 4,000 euros) nabbed by police. Three years ago, officers took two Rolex watches off him, saying they were acting on orders to seize any valuables "within plain sight" (although why he was wearing two watches is anyone's guess).
Luckily I have a ruse to sort this mess out once and for all. All Maradona needs to do is knock out Mr T and stick him on a plane to Naples with an accompanying note for police to confiscate his bling. Debt paid. Job done. I love it when a plan comes together.
Maradona was joined in the international managers' club by former opponent Bryan Robson, who took over the Thailand hot-seat vacated by Peter Reid. What is it that attracts these former England players to the tropical paradise where they can earn 60 times as much as the average airline pilot I wonder?
Although still nowhere near as much as Sol Campbell was on at Notts County. The former England captain lasted a whole 29 days at Meadow Lane, slowly getting himself back to fitness before making his debut and final appearance in Saturday's 2-1 defeat by Morecambe, by which time (according to my figures) he had racked up an estimated £140,000. Kerching!
In the Carling Cup, Barnsley produced the shock of the round by toppling Burnley, while I was at Stamford Bridge to see 'plucky' (hate that word) QPR go down to Chelsea (not keen on that word either).
My first priority was to make sure I got home in one piece after hearing a bloke behind me in the pub utter the immortal line: "Chelsea have come down proper firmed up - tools the lot." Gulp.
There were a few running battles - fortunately nothing on the scale of Upton Park - which I avoided by bravely chatting to a very nice policeman inside the shopping precinct. Turns out he was a Millwall fan (you don't get many of them to the pound) who was spared the decision of whether to attend the West Ham game because he happened to be on holiday. Result.
Game of the week was at Elland Road where Leeds were desperately unlucky not to send Liverpool packing. The Reds finally squeezed home thanks to a goal from David Ngog, who has been given the hilarious nickname of 'Wash' by his Liverpool colleagues. That's got to be right up there with 'One Size' Fitz Hall, 'Jukebox' Durie and 'Chris' Musampa.
Meanwhile, Newcastle's Steven Taylor revealed the reason for his X-Factor celebration after scoring against Plymouth.
He said: I've been getting stick about my teeth from the lads. They've been calling me Simon Cowell, telling me I've had them chemically whitened. So I gave it the X-Factor sign when I scored.
"I was going to hitch the shorts up to my nipples. I thought that would have been a good celebration, but the fans would have thought, 'What the hell's he doing?'"
Hard-luck story of the week involved Blue Square North outfit Fleetwood Town who had the mother of all journeys to Hyde last Saturday.
First of all the team coach suffered a blowout, stranding the entire squad on the hard shoulder of the M61. As luck would have it, the supporters coach spotted them and a few kind-hearted souls gave up their seats so the players could continue their journey. Unfortunately that's where their luck ran out.
Fleetwood lost the game 2-1 and on the way back, the team's replacement coach caught fire, dumping the players back on the hard shoulder. Manager Micky Mellon (presumably known as Mick Fleetwood these days) was being filmed by the club's intrepid press officer, Derick Thomas, when the blaze broke out.
Micky: "We're on fire, Derick."
Derick: "But we'll carry on with the interview, Micky. So Farsley Celtic Saturday..."
Micky: "Yes an FA Cup tie and another big game for us. And, erm, one that we'll be looking forward to. We....I cannot concentrate, Derek - I've got smoke all in my eyes."
Derick: "Micky Mellon, we'll go and put the fire out. Thank you very much." Legend. P.S. The drama unfolds three minutes into the interview.
There'll be no more rabbit from them
And finally, the saddest news of the week, year and quite possibly the century was the announcement that Chas 'n' Dave have split up.
I know what you're thinking - what's that got to do with sport? But come on, this is the pair who made Ossie's knees go trembly and put the loopy into snooker.
C 'n' D became a cult band for the youth of today after supporting The Libertines - and I was lucky enough to catch them at Glastonbury a couple of years back, surrounded by a group of 16-year-olds who looked at me in a bemused fashion and said: "What, you actually know all the words?" Gertcha.
Have a good weekend one and all - particularly you RedBlueArmy92, who correctly predicted last Friday: 'Crewe Alexandra 1-2 Aldershot... You heard it here first!' I'm so pleased I had so much faith in you that I put precisely nothing on it. So come on RBA, what have you got for us this week? I've got children to feed, you know.
OTHER STUFF
Fan scores penalty
Motty does falsetto
Eto'o bothered by 'Guardiola wasp'
O'Connor and Fahey share a tender moment
(Some content courtesy of Off The Post football blog)
I am a journalist with BBC Sport, dealing with the more offbeat stories doing the rounds. I am a QPR fan - and also quite fond of football. If our new-found wealth brings success I'll be happy to tell anyone exactly where I was when we were sh... rubbish - row J seat 139. 
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~48~RS~)
Comments
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One problem with your Maradona debt solution... Everyone knows only Chuck Norris could knock out Mr T!!
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Neville. LOL! What a (please insert expletive).
When will Man U win a game without the aid of refs decisions??!
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@2:
Technically, if Chuck Norris and Mr T are in the same place at the same time, the universe implodes.
Good blog Chris, yes we (Leeds) were extremely unlucky not to knock the scousers out. My brother, a Liverpool fan, called me up to give me endless stick. I think he was missing the point somewhat.
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Whoops, meant @1!
You'd think as there was only one comment, it wouldn't be hard to count. Can you tell it's Friday afternoon?
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The Giggs joke really winds me up. Surely it only works if United are losing or drawing, so 5-3 doesn't make any sense!
Also, dry your eyes City. Play to the whistle!
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Am sure we gona continue hearing bot da seven munites even towards the end of the season (when will obviously be on top) or until one of our challengers (OTHER 3) get a crucial goal of their own in extra added time. chelsea gret stat, a bit scary kinda reminds of mourihnos 1st season wen we were confined 2 celebratn a their 1st draw against everton after as many games. any1 da way they winning their games, definately gives hope zat sooner or leta ancelloti will start thinking twice why he left Milan.
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Chris, another good read, fella.
On the subject of quality nicknames, two which stick out at Stoke over the years are Mark "Freezer" Goodfellow and John "Tumble" Dreyer, as well as Martin "Jigsaw" Carruthers (not massively original for a forward who goes to pieces in the box I grant you, but very apt). Bryan "Disco" Small was more of a visual one - no doubt his dancing around the ball to try to beat an opponent, which seldom worked, will also be recognised by Noblot and Der Villah fans.
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could have sworn owen scored within 5:30.
where has this 7 minutes come from?
kopite whispers? it'll be 5 hours soon at this rate!
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1. Spillagio: Good point - although I was thinking more along the lines of the chloroform technique used by the A-Team boys to get him airborne. "I ain't gettin' on no plane, crazy fools"...wallop.
3. Bangforyourbuck: Better make sure we keep 'em apart, then!
6. Masterlt: Nope, I promise this is the last you'll hear about that seven minutes. From now on it shall be referred to as 420 seconds.
7. JezzaSCFC: Some belters in there, sunshine! Particularly digging 'Freezer' Goodfellow.
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8. carlos_who: The Jackal?
You're right, but in total the ref added on a shade under seven minutes (oops, sorry Masterlt).
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I was under the impression added time was for both teams which gave City as much chance as United of scoring only City were obviously happy to go home with a draw, didn't work out that way though eh?
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Good to see one of our former midfield players having an eventful Saturday afternoon, shame none of our current midfield do! Maybe Mickey could threaten the team with getting back on that coach if the lose another away game!!
Another fine blog Chris, keep up the good work!
Martin ‘Chariots’ Offiah has to be up there on the nicknames, though rugby, not football.
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Great flow this week, though you let Campbell off a touch easily. If it's any consolation, and judging by your state I doubt that it is, I do remember you thrashing us soundly in the early spring of '86, and all we could come up with was 'You're getting wet, you're getting wet, we're not, we're not'. And the funny thing is, there were only about 2,000 of you back then who were plucky enough to make the journey all the way through two parks and a bit. By the way, it's always best to listen to your inlaws about the ways of the goodfolk; their eye isn't a thing to be taken lightly!
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Wash Ngog? Shurely it should be "Noggin"
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people seem to forget there were two teams on the pitch, even though man city had capitulated, he who dares.........
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12. dannytrfc: Ah yes, 'Chariots' - of course. And how about Neil 'Dissa' Pinton?
13. Coweslepe: Well Robbo had already done a number on Sol so thought I'd better treat him gently. Didn't realise you were a Chelsea fan! Think the game you're referring to is Easter Monday 1986, when Gary Bannister got a hat-trick in a 6-0 win. Not that it's permanently ingrained in my memory of course.
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maradonna used to put on two watches before leaving the house. some thought it was superstition others just thought he had too much time on his hands!...
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I really dont get wash ngog. Maybe i need to do it in that language they call 'scouse'
Chris Musampa, however, is wonderful!
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17. blobbing02: Boom boom!
18. 'Jimmy': It's all in in the pronounciation. Must confess I originally thought it was pronounced as it looks, but apparently it's Un-goh, so therefore Wash Ngog!
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I always used to think that Coventry City fans a few years ago were rather like those people who didn`t like the Titanic film with Kate Winslet and Leonardo di Ford Caprio. What do I mean?...
They were not keen on Celine Dion (selling Dion (Dublin)).
Sorry its awful, I know.
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on the chas and dave thing, have u heard the rumour doing the rounds that, coinciding with keisha leaving the sugababes, that dave might be joining. you could be witnessing the birth of the sugadaves :)
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Did i miss a new FIFA rule or something? Apart from the use of the extra officials in the Europa League, is there a new rule that says time added on is for one team and the other team is barred from playing?
Whoa! City have been hard done by--how could they be asked to stop playing? Football's dead!
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I don't know which is the most ridiculous story this week. Sol Campbell doing one from Notts County, or Brian Robson doing one to Thailand. But ow will this affect Robson's role as a Manchester United ambassador? Is he still eployed by United as well? Maybe Ferguson will use Robson as a scout. United will buy a Thai international and stick him in the reserves so that the club can sell loads of replica shirts in Thailand. I am so cyncial. http://www.loserscomesecond.com/
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*how
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Great blog, loved reading it. What do you think about this weeks premier league matches? They look pretty dull probably the only stand out is at White Hart Lane, if you remember Burnleys come back in the cup last year!
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i've noticed in all these "jokes" it's man utd making it 5-3, not city making it 4-4. so even in make believe land city still didn't play to the whistle!
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Rumour has it that David "Wash" Ngog might be sold to a new middle-eastern investor, Sheikh Nvac
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If Chas 'n' Dave have split up, who gets custody of the 'n'?
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Apparently Claudia Schiffer has married Brains from the Thunderbirds.
She's now known as Claudia Schiffer Brains.
Sorry, couldn't help it.
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actually Maradonna wore 1 watch to tell the time where he was and the other to tell the time where his daughter was
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"(although why he was wearing two watches is anyone's guess)"
Hmm, if he was anywhere near Manchester I could understand it. Apparently OT has its own personal timezone.
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Very good blog and the comments are good too especially the nicknames - i really like the claudia schiffer one!! It reminded me of the question about the only player to have a tv programme named after him. It was of course Chelsea's Dan Petrescu. Keep up the good work knocking these players back down to earth.
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"The most talked-about seven minutes since The Beatles released Hey Jude"?
Nah.
Nah, nah,
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
Hey Jude?
Nah.
Nah, nah,
Nah, nah, nah, nah...
I could go on.
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And, on a much less serious note, another excellent blog. Great to see the return of the links, and especially rewarding to note that you latched onto Motty Castrato.
I have this unhealthy suspicion that those Jacqui Oatley commentaries on MOTD are actually done by Motty in his alter ego and Dior frock. Have Jacqui and Motty ever been spotted together in the same room at eleven o'clock on a Saturday night?
I leave you with the distressing possibility that the answer might be "No", and the even more distressing possibility that the answer might be "Yes".
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Can anyone look at the picture of Ferguson above and not want to punch his face in?
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I was actually thinking that Fergie looks as if he's shagging Shergar. Somebody should have told him.
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Neigh,
Neigh, neigh,
Neigh, neigh, neigh, neigh.
Neigh, neigh, neigh, neigh,
Fer-geigh.
I could go on.
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
The first, noel?
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The ref added on 7 hours and made all the city players tie their legs together like a school three legged race. In your deluded world. What a pathetic article. Call yourself a journalist? With quotes about The Sun. Perhaps that's your pedigree !!
At least Robbo is funny.
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Forgive the delay, but I had some trouble signing in yesterday. I went back and checked for the words 'plagiarism' or 'McNulty' and 'McNulty and plagiarism', but I couldn't find a single one and so didn't quite understand why I was being moderated before a posting. Apparently, you're neither supposed to notice nor provide proof of such things. Anyway, yes, I'm afraid it's so, but in all fairness, you probably wouldn't have known as I'm one of the very few it seems who chooses not to begin every sentence with 'As a (not a keen word) fan, . . .' which is how I believe we've come to introduce ourselves over the past few years. Either that or we just jump up and down and start acting silly; or say things like 'Thank you Peter Kenyon for all you've done'. I'm still choking on that one. It seems I'm one with Henderson on the state of the modern game, I'm afraid, and we're the worst of the lot, at least for the time being. And so I thought it only appropriate to give you the opportunity to mention a scoreline that either one of us is ever likely to witness again. Such days of relative parity should live, if only in memory.
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Based on my pointless calculations, for Maradona to repay his debt, he'd need at least 9249 more pairs of earrings.
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Apparently plans are already in place for the first Chas 'n' Dave tribute band. Amy Winehouse and Des O'Connor, in a bid to revitalise their flagging careers, have formed Chav 'n' Des and are currently planning a worldwide tour.
The first media partnership of this duo ended in disarray. Amy became the numbers totty, supporting Des, on "Countdown", but her reliance on a Fergie stopwatch and an abacus to work out the sums resulted in huge swathes of elderly watchers dropping off before the commercial break.
As a result, the target audience missed out on Geoffrey Boycott, sliding down on his Stannah Stairlift, sucking on a Werthers Original, and bemoaning the lack of staying power of the England openers. Hiring Michael Winner to shriek out "Wake up, dear! It's a commercial!" failed to invigorate the comatose viewers, and advertisers insisted that Amy had to go.
To those who say that any, or all, of this is implausible, Des would simply reply "Wigan 3 Chelsea 1", and Amy would say "Where am I?".
Truly, we live in interesting times.
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43 George
There is currently a vacancy on "Countdown", for which your talents clearly make you eminently suitable.
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Although you may have to ask Motty for a loan of one of his frocks.
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"while I was at Stamford Bridge to see 'plucky' (hate that word) QPR go down to Chelsea (not keen on that word either)"
LMAO hilarious!
Loving your articles Chris! :-D
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Why do the beeb have to hide this gem... I actually get a mention in a blog (probably as famous as i am ever going to get) and i don't even read it till today... Zoots top form mate. Chris, brilliant read as ever... Thanks for the shout. And we are away again to lincoln, and call me gutsy, but i predict a 1-0 to the shots... Bouncing back after last nights wobble at Torquay....
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