Review of the week
They were just about coming to terms with relegation, but now the kit has really hit the fan.
Just when the Geordies thought life couldn't get any worse, along came the unveiling of Newcastle's new yellow strip, which prompted more scoffing than Big Sam at a doughnut convention.
One fan likened it to a deckchair on Blackpool beach, while another described it as "a side-on view of a custard cream". The official club website preferred to describe the strip as a "stylish new change kit", although it was unclear how many supporters had taken up the '20% off' introductory offer plastered all over the front page.
Mark Jensen, editor of fanzine The Mag, was a model of diplomacy as he admitted: "It's certainly different!"
Jensen told The Daily Telegraph: "My take on kits is as long as they're not red and white, I'm not really that bothered. There's certainly no chance of getting lost in the snow when we play Barnsley in December."
Other fans were not so forgiving. Joe on the Tyne Talk messageboard said: "I think I just threw up a bit", while lostmekeys observed: "This from a guy who made a billion quid selling t-shirts."
But while the photoshop whizzkids had a field day (right) and The Sun quickly trotted out their worst kits of all time feature, it seemed the players were quite happy with the 'yellow peril'. A statement from kit makers Adidas read: "The feedback from both the players and the club has been extremely positive - vibrant colours are very popular at the moment."
And the kit also had the backing of Ryan Jenkins, a (wait for it) Sunderland fan. He said: "It's really appalling - I love it. It looks like Norwich and Blackpool got into a fight and this was the leftovers. Newcastle will have to call themselves the Toongerines."
In the words of Coldplay's Chris Martin: "Oh what a thing to do - and it was all yellow."
Newcastle fans weren't the only ones getting shirty over their new strip. Man Utd supporters were demanding an inquest into their latest jersey, a month before it is due to hit the shops.
The traditional red shirt is emblazoned with a black chevron, apparently to mark the centenary of Old Trafford, although fans moaned it was more suited to rugby league. On the bright side, at least Paul Scholes will be allowed six tackles next season.
Fans on United forum Talking Reds were struggling to find any positives. Under the topic heading 'Who let a drunk person design the kit?', Gavinio suggested the new design was the real reason Ronaldo left (and with Real Madrid reportedly inserting a £1bn transfer clause into his contract, he's unlikely to be back in a hurry - chevron or no chevron).
But while the two Uniteds got in a lather about their strips, spare a thought for poor old Stockport County, who may not have a kit for the coming season due to an ongoing debt problem. Never mind, chaps, if the protests in Manchester and Newcastle grow any louder, you may have a couple to choose from come August.
Meanwhile over at Celtic there was a shirt problem of a different kind. When six-year-old fan Matthew Smith asked to get the name of new goalkeeper Lukasz Zaluska on the back of his top, the staff in the club shop admitted they had never heard of the Pole.
Matthew said: "I told them he was joining in the summer from Dundee United and the shop manager had to go on the internet to find out how to spell his name." I must admit I've never heard of him either, but it will come in quite handy next time I play Scrabble.
Over at Wimbledon (yes it's been a slow news week) Roger Federer entered the fray wearing a gold-braided white military jacket with a giant matching handbag. According to Nike, the outfit "retained the stylistic cues which make him stand out from the other players." I prefer the shortened version - 'Emperor's New Clothes'.
Andy Murray was doing his best to lose his moody tag by turning up for practice wearing a cricket helmet and Twittering about snack names for tennis players. Prawn Borg, Egg Rusedski and Lleyton Chewit were among my favourites (incidentally Lleyton backwards is, curiously, 'Not yell') but Boris Double-decker might need a bit more work. I'll throw one in for the older viewers - Chilli Nastase anyone?
But the revelation of the tournament thus far came from John Kettley on Radio Wimbledon, who confessed his ringtone was...John Kettley Is A Weatherman.
Almost as funny as the 'Liverpool sign Bent' viral doing the rounds (above) and the joke Twittered by Gavin and Stacey star Matthew Horne: "Earlier today I saw a Newcastle season-ticket nailed to a tree. I thought 'I'm having that!' 'cos you can never have enough nails, can you?"
Before I go, a quick congratulations to John Terry, who has just been voted Daddy of the Year. Word of warning though, JT - last year's winner was...Peter Andre.
And finally, you may have heard about the release of the BBC bigwigs' expenses claims (no I haven't, before anyone asks). The one that particularly caught my eye was the invoice for £14.99 submitted by Deputy Director-General Mark Byford for a QPR history book. Shocking I'm sure you'll agree - £14.99 for that?! I could have provided him with what he needed for free, using one sentence - League Cup winners 1967.
Courtesy off Off The Post football blog