Comedy football awards of the season
We've had the chants of the season - now it's time to hand out the gongs.
BBC football commentator Jacqui Oatley has already done an excellent alternative review of the season and while I can't improve on that, I'll be going a little more leftfield to reward those great men of football who've put a smile on our faces these past few months.
So without further ado, let's get on with it - and please don't hesitate to send in your own (they're bound to be better than the rubbish I come up with).
Beard of the Year (in association with Brian Blessed)
No contest for this particular award. Adrian Chiles likened him to a submarine captain, a punter on the Guardian website thought he was a dead ringer for Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and there were honourable mentions for Tin Tin's Captain Haddock, the sailor Action Man and all manner of down-and-outs. Although, tellingly, no-one said anything to his face. And if you haven't guessed it by now, the picture on the right may give you a little hint.
The House of Commons-sponsored 'You've Been Shamed' award.
In third place we have Aston Villa striker John Carew, caught leaving a 'gentleman's club' in the early hours before a Uefa Cup tie with Ajax. Carew was benched for the next game at Wigan and came on to score (insert your own punchline) - prompting team-mate Stiliyan Petrov to declare: "He should go lap-dancing more often." Villa fans agreed, dreaming up the chant: "John Carew, Carew. He likes a lap-dance or two. He might even pay for you. John Carew, Carew."
Second place goes to Arsenal's Nicklas Bendtner who, unlike my other half, clearly does not wear the trousers in his house, or indeed anywhere else for that matter. The striker (I use the term loosely) was pictured leaving a London nightspot after the Champions League defeat to Manchester United, with his strides around his ankles. As I commented in an earlier blog, if he'd stuck to his usual practice of missing the bar by several feet, the whole sorry experience could have been avoided.
But the winner by a country mile is Scotland striker Chris Iwelumo, who provided us with the biggest howler since Teen Wolf after missing the open goal to end all open goals at Hampden Park. The Wolves frontman had clearly packed his Bendtner boots by mistake as he shaped to tap in against Norway, only to see the ball bounce comically to safety off his heel. Iwelumo waited in vain for another chance to open up - it might have been better if the ground had obliged instead.
Pun of the Season
I'll hold my hand up to more than a few 'get me coat' moments myself (Liverpool aftershave/You'll Never Walk Cologne was particularly shameful) but my favourite play on words occurred around the time Man City were linked to Kaka. A Shooting Stars fan texted into 5Live's Nicky Campbell to wryly observe: "Wouldn't it be great if Ulrika and Kaka got married?" Genius.
The Bob Crow Award for Services to Public Transport
Manchester City's £30m striker Robinho endeared himself to the masses by taking his girlfriend on a shopping trip to Manchester's Trafford Centre....on the bus. One passenger told The Sun: "He sat downstairs as if it was the most normal thing for a multi-millionaire footballer to do. Nobody quite believed it and some just stared open-mouthed. At the very least you'd expect him to be driven by a chauffeur or maybe, at a push, pay for a taxi. But a bus? Amazing!"
The Hilda Ogden Award for Services to Cleaning
Newcastle's bad-boy midfielder Joey Barton - coming to a litter bin near you soon.
Spurs Jokes of the Season
Remember them? It seems so long ago now that Spurs were cut adrift at the bottom of the Premier League (October since you ask) and of course they're of no relevance whatsoever now, but ah, what the heck. In true Eric Morley style, I'll announce the top three in reverse order.
3. Tottenham boss Juande Ramos was caught speeding the other day - rumour has it he will do anything for three points.
2. What's the difference between Tottenham and a triangle? The triangle's got more points.
1. 'My wife was feeling rather naughty last night - "Humiliate me!" she said. So I bought her a Tottenham shirt.'
Diversity Award for Contemporary Dance
Peter Crouch went close by 'pulling out the rope' (as instructed by Coach Smiffy) after scoring against Ukraine, but he was edged out by Arsene Wenger after the Arsenal coach's spot of Dad-dancing dancing during the win over Villarreal in the Champions League.
The Katy Perry 'I Kissed an (Ugly) Girl' Award
Steven Gerrard, who admitted 'taking one for the team' in his early days at Liverpool by chatting up ugly women so his team-mates could pull their better-looking mates.
The Gordon Ramsay Award for *@!*&!@ Bad Language
Step forward Joe Kinnear, who reintroduced himself to Her Majesty's Press in his first Newcastle briefing with an astonishing 52 expletives in five minutes. JK Scowling's rant managed to win over the sceptical Newcastle fans, albeit briefly, and his nickname changed from 'Joke In Ere' to the more affectionate JFK overnight. Not content with that, he also picks up the Murray Walker 'Me and my Big Mouth' gong after referring to Charles N'Zogbia as Insomnia.
The Jim Bowen 'Here's what you Could Have Won' Award
Cooking goddess Nigella Lawson, whose husband Charles Saatchi dreamt she was having an affair with former Reading boss Steve Coppell. Nigella groaned: "I said to him, 'Thanks a lot! You might have made it Mourinho!'"
Nickname of the Season
One Size Fitz Hall still takes a lot of beating, but Millwall fans came up with a little gem for their January signing - Gifton Noel-Edmonds. Sadly the striker played just one game for the Lions before they asked the question 'Deal or No Deal' and off he went to that well-known US soccer side Austin Aztex.
Rant of the Season (Sponsored by Arthur Scargill)
JFK was the early contender but even he had to bow down to Rafa Benitez. And that's a fact. The Liverpool boss launched an astonishing tirade at Sir Alex Ferguson back in January, saying his Manchester United counterpart was "killing referees" while responding to Fergie's gripes about the fixture list by suggesting "Mr Ferguson organises the fixtures in his office and sends it to us and everyone will know and cannot complain".
The pair continued to trade insults throughout the campaign, while in a complete turnaround, Fergie and his old adversary Arsene Wenger cosied up such an extent they were less Ricky and Bianca and more Ant 'n' Dec.
Which brings us nicely to the Prank of the Year - and those mischievous colleagues of Sky Sports presenter Georgie Thompson, who upon learning of her burgeoning romance with the smaller of the Geordie duo, spiked her autocue with a string of suggestive references, capped off with this legend in a Norwich feature..."It's all hands on deck."
Honourable mentions also go to Franck Ribery for pinching and driving the team coach, the Brummie builder who spelt out 'Blues' in paving stones at Molineux (which went unnoticed for four years) and Manchester United midfielder Anderson, who slipped a live mouse down Gary Neville's top during training. The poor fella was traumatised, spending months on the sidelines, and Red Nev was a little shaken too.
Gone in Six Seconds Award
Mike Ashley's pint at Arsenal.
Runner-up: A QPR manager of your choice.
David Beckham Award for Services to Hairdressing
It's a toss-up between Djibril Cisse and Marouane Fellaini but Cisse just gets the nod for inspiring the Basement Jaxx-style terrace tribute "Where's your hair at?"
David Beckham In Touch with your Feminine Side Award
Runner-up prize goes to Birmingham No 2 Andy Watson, who the News of the World revealed had been spotted in a city centre bar teaming up a suit jacket with a leather skirt. But the clear winner is Brazilian midfielder Jairo, who was filmed training with Figueirense wearing a fetching pink dress. Apparently it was a forfeit being the worst trainer the previous week. That's his story and he's sticking to it.
The Dave Beasant Comedy Injury Award
No prizes for guessing the winner of this one - it's Rangers player Kirk Broadfoot, forced out by a poached egg that exploded in his face when he took it out of the microwave. Dave Beasant, for those not in the know, ruptured ankle ligaments after a bottle of salad cream fell out of the cupboard and he attempted to control it like a football. Although the Norwegian player who was hit by a moose while out jogging still takes some beating.
And finally....The And Finally Award
So many stories, so little time. There was the Wycombe fan who hoodwinked the ref into believing he was qualified to step in for the fourth official during Wanderers' 2-0 win at Notts County, but nearly gave the game away when he celebrated a goal.
And last week's story about the Celtic fan who infiltrated a Rangers messageboard and convinced everyone to buy Dundee United socks, so they would be registered at Tannadice to buy sneaky tickets for the final-day showdown, takes some beating.
But my favourite was the Sunday League player who decided to put off an opponent as he shaped up to take a penalty by breaking wind. The referee ordered the spot-kick to be retaken and the player was booked for 'unsporting behaviour'. Dean Windass, eat your heart out.
I am a journalist with BBC Sport, dealing with the more offbeat stories doing the rounds. I am a QPR fan - and also quite fond of football. If our new-found wealth brings success I'll be happy to tell anyone exactly where I was when we were sh... rubbish - row J seat 139. 
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~50~RS~)
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Nice one, Chris, but the article is hidden inside the BBC Sport Football page, it deserves more prominence than that! Also, any link to the video of the autocue prank on Sky Sports?
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I hate close-season. Not only for the lack of football, but all the endless padding like this in newspapers and online.
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What about the classic 'Operation Tango' as played upon 60,000 Celtic fans and first team players/coaching staff on the last day of the season?
"Dundee Utd have taken the lead!"...... OH NO THEY HAVEN'T!
I bet Paul Hartley and Neil Lennon ain't laughing any more.
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hahaha frank riber legend and keanos beard is LEGEND
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#3: Never even heard of that one so it must've been REALLY good! ;)
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Excellent piece, Chris, that brightened up my otherwise dreary working day!
Choco Box kid, sense of humour required!
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Chris, absolutly quality, love every blog you do
keep it up!!
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Chris mate... always a good read (to be fair i dont say it enough!)
In honesty i think Keanos beard done very well, just pipping Delia at Norwich in to first place...
Would like to have seen some in-house awards for the guys at the beeb who "work" so hard on these blogs (which keep me from working for the majority of my day... god bless you!)
Best Moderator: Phil McNulty...Never has instant message technology been used so poorly...
Most likely to offend: Robbo... Like a red rag to the bull most footy fans speak.
Good service to insomniacs: Mihir Bose... Zzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Why are you such a nice bloke, its almost a bit creepy: Gavin Strachen... Honestly, what a friendly guy, and a great blogger too, i am a bad person for begrudging him his sunny disposition.
And finnaly...
The your picture is so scary i am never going to read your blog for fear you will steal my soul award: Chick Young...
And chris mate... a special prop for yourself for most under-rated, always a very good laugh and a welcome addition to the misery of my working day!
Aldershot for the cup.
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Funny nice one, but Abramovich`s dodgey sat-nav packing up ninety minutes from Rome, and Fergusons starting eleven against Barca really do take the plaudits. Laugh, I nearly bought a round!
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Great way to end the season and it's good to see you've looked north of the border for a quality injury.
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A very amusing diversion. thank you.
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RedBlueArmy92
"The your picture is so scary i am never going to read your blog for fear you will steal my soul award: Chick Young..."
Ha Ha Ha that is a brilliant comment!! I genuinely laughed quite loudly when i read this. Quality!!!
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sorry, I don't get the one about Ulrika and Kaka....
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13: Ulri-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka... (iranu!)
12: Cheers mate! (Sorry Chick)
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"sorry, I don't get the one about Ulrika and Kaka...."
Really, you're kidding? haha.
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"Although the Norwegian player who was hit by a moose while out jogging still takes some beating."
Coffee spat all over the keyboard time ..lol :)
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What is it with the reference to Gerrard and ugly women? Don't your girls have feelings too? A little more cop on toward the ladies would make the world a better place, it's not like the Liverpool blokes are good looking is it?
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It was Gifton Noel-Williams who was briefly at Millwall.
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Nice, but i'm supprised about the Spurs Jokes of the Season!
My personal favorate was the news of train delays on the Central line due to a points failure at Tottenham...
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The Dave Beasant Comedy Injury Award
No prizes for guessing the winner of this one - it's Rangers player Kirk Broadfoot, forced out by a poached egg that exploded in his face when he took it out of the microwave. Dave Beasant, for those not in the know, ruptured ankle ligaments after a bottle of salad cream fell out of the cupboard and he attempted to control it like a football. Although the Norwegian player who was hit by a moose while out jogging still takes some beating.
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One of the funniest thing's I've read for a long time. You can't even write that! Trying to control a bottle of salad cream and ending up rupturing your ligaments is ridiculously hilarious, and having an egg explode in your face to force you out of a game is just unfortunate. Being hit by a moose while you're out jogging? Really... Imagine the sick note for that hah.
Good article.
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Right...One thing that needs a mention and I didn't even see it in the papers, should have sent into soccer am really...
On one of the first days of the season when Liverpool were playing (I think it was Sunderland) and Steve Mcmannaman was commentating the setanta team were discussing Liverpools title hopes...
As the discussion was going on the camera man started panning around the crowd, as Steve M got to the close of his speech discussing the history of the club and how long they have been without a league title, he made a really passionate statement of.."Ahhhhhh they really want it" just as the cameraman stopped on two young blondes in the crowd, his timing was priceless!!!
Chris can you find the footage of this and create a new award for Steve, he had me in stitches with this!
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3. vanhoward: 'Operation Tango'? Must have missed that one. Tell me more!
8. RedBlueArmy92: Ooh, that's a bit harsh on Chick! Think I got off lightly there, given that my photo doesn't exactly do me any favours. I'd better keep in your good books!
16. DavePrice: Yeah, the moose story is priceless - although probably not worth ruining a keyboard over.
19.superspursdirector: Darnit - knew I'd missed one. No worries about points failures on the Underground for the next two days mind. Good to see you can enjoy a joke at the expense of your team - I'm an old hand at that.
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The 'operation tango' thing was when, on the last day of the season, Celtic were 1 point behind Rangers with a better goal difference, and when both games were at nil nil, word got around at the Celtic game that Rangers were a goal down...
However it wasn't true, Rangers won 3-0 and the Celtic game stayed 0-0 and Rangers won the league.
Hilarious for Rangers fans at least, probably not all that funny otherwise
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I know it is the close season and there is not as 'valid' much football knews immediately available, most news around this time is transfer speculation and gossip, but I do feel this is an awful waste of license payers money.
Instead, as a suggestion, why not give the footballing public what they really want; Mark Lawrenson and Alan Hansen wrestling, man on man, skin on skin, no referee, two men enter, one man leaves.
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To 19 (superspursdirector)
"train delays on the Central line due to a points failure at Tottenham..."
I heard that the delay was because of levys on the tracks (only joking!).
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With regard to the flatulence incident which is quite funny, I do however find it bizarre that even at a Sunday League match where there would be a crowd that the sound of the wind would be so loud as to interrupt a penalty. A nice way of putting opponents off, but there really is nothing malicious as far as I can see. Are people losing their sense of humour?
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I'm not going to lie that 'operation tango' thing sounds like a whole load of rubbish! I'm sure in this day and age supporters all have access to radios and internet so would know exactly what the score was!!
Sounds like another exaggerated rangers myth to me?
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I thought the Ulrika and kaka comment was supposed to be her name would be Ulrika Kaka as in Ul-rik-a-ka-ka (you'll reek of poo) maybe i got it wrong but i dont understand the response to post 13 in post 14. what is iranu?
great blog though
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So when did Stevie G chat up Colleen then? My God what a rodent faced minger she is! Lets hope her and Wayne with no brain do not pass their looks on to their children.
Anybody want to add their votes for the Prems ugliest footballer?? Just to pass a bit of time away?
Is John Terry Wenger`s long lost son? Is Wayne Rooney related to Shrek? Is Joleon Lescott a distant cousin of Frankenstein? Is Frank Lampard the brother of the Michelin Man?
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28:... Ooh-vavoo
Shotting stars fella...
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#27 Nah I'm a Celtic fan and a cheer did go up round the stadium at one point.. I turned round and looked at my mate with his radio who shook his head so I didn't get up.. In they circumstances all it takes is one guy to shout out and it will spread.. 60,000 is being generous however..
Getting done once every 4 years though... I'll take that anyday.
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For the hairdressers award, I think you may have overlooked this effort from Ibrahima Sonko!
http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/18042009/8/photo/stoke-city-s-ibrahima-sonko-sports-new-hair-style.html
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when is a pun not a pun...
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The worst Brazilian since Anne Widdecombe's DIY bikini wax disaster - Lucas Leiva
Hale & Pace award for embarrassing comedy double act: Allardyce & Ferguson press conferences, humiliated and outraged (respectively) by Benitez's hand signals to his own players !
The how did he win that? award - One goal Giggs PFA Player of the Year
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Best party of the year:
Patrice Evra and Carlos Tevez join Park Ji Sung on his birthday. You can find it on Youtube and it's amazing. Especially the expression Tevez pulls as he let's a party popper go off in Sung's face. My hatred for that team went down a tad after watching this. Unbelievable, i know.
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Well done to Keane for bringing in the beard, just a shame we lost it so soon.
Great work Roy!
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With regards 'Operation Tango', it was 20 minutes in when a cheer cascaded around Celtic Park. Rangers were 1-0 after 7 minutes.
It was the Setanta commentators who jumped to the conclusion that the Celtic fans mistakenly were celebrating a Dundee Utd EQUALISER.
While this may have been the case, it is not uncommon for Celtic fans to cheer their team on even when faced with inevitable defeat.
In fact, we have a song for just such occassions called 'Over and Over'.
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my favourite spurs joke of the season was the news that the tottenham back four were about to form a boy band - called goals allowed...
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#18 - Serious? Come on...
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Just a quick note to say that it's Tintin and not Tin Tin
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Also, Keano has definitely got the regal look of his hero, George V
http://www.joyceimages.com/media/ji/King%20George%20V.JPG
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connolly 1888 that we be why parkhead was half empty with 20 mins or so to go !!
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Operation Tango - A few days before the final game of the seaon and a mysterious comment on FollowFollow (Rangers Forum) appears saying "8 bears needed, reply in private message". 8 Rangers fans indeed replied and were let in on Operation Tango (OT). Each fan were told to text a mate who they knew would be at the Celtic v Hearts game or had friends there, this resulting in the Roar of parkhead. If you search YouTube for Operation Tango you will clearly hear the cheers and after Paul Hartley fouls Bruno Aguiar the camera zooms in on his smiling. Meanwhile Neil Lennon is on the touch line doing a "Martin O'Neil" style bouncy thinking that Celtic were on course to win the League. Many papers covered this showing 3 images - Lennon in the air, Hartley Smiling and the celtic fans after finding out this was a hoax.
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As a Newcastle fan, I feel we got off quite lightly there. Thanks.
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Sorry to burst the bubble of folk on here but the whole Rangers fans buying Dundee Utd socks is completely made up, although had it been true we would no doubt have been reported to UEFA anyway for buying orange socks.
Anyway if you don't beleive me, listen here...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/scotland/8063657.stm
That is a link to Dundee Utds chairman being interviewed by BBC Scotland and confirming that the socks issue was completely fabricated.
As for "Operation Tango" well its all very well folk supporting their team throughout a game but see here...
http://www.101greatgoals.com/2009/05/operation-tango-how-rangers-fans-fooled-celtic-supporters-on-the-final-day-of-the-season/
Watch the footage within that link and tell me honestly that the cheer going up is a result of anything that is happening at parkhead.
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Worst Impression of the Season - Coloccini in his role as a centre half.
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The probable reason the so called operation tango never got around to anyone but rangers fans is because most celtic fans wouldnt be stupid enough to listen to information from rangers fans who have OBVIOUSLY proved themselves over the years to be such well manered, law abiding decent human beings at all times
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No 31, think you'll 'get done' more than that over the next few years, what about getting done 9 out of 10!?
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Brilliant blog Chris
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No 48 your a twonk
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@ 43, thanks for the details LOL
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