Review of the week
They say all roads lead to Rome, but while Barcelona cruised around like Peter Fonda, Manchester United were stuck on the hard shoulder.
Sir Alex Ferguson's side looked like broken men at the end of the Champions League final, not even able to muster the traditional slump to the ground as the final whistle sounded - presumably for fear they wouldn't be able to get up again.
Ferguson, meanwhile, wore the shell-shocked expression of a man who's just been duffed up by Mr Big in the prison showers. The United boss couldn't have looked any more haunted if he'd slipped a white sheet over his head and gone trick-or-treating.
Fergie's post-match interview with Sky's Geoff Shreeves featured a coughing fit so severe I thought I'd tuned into a remake of 'Bob Fleming's Folkin Classics'. Throw in Shreeves attempting to brush a wasp off the good knight's collar mid-conversation and you had a moment of TV gold right up there with The Parrot Sketch.
Over on ITV they appeared to have adopted the mantra 'Don't mention the score' as the in-vision box disappeared for the whole of the first half. Fortunately in Steve Rider they had a cool customer to smooth things over - although in fairness he'd had a dress rehearsal in February when someone decided viewers would rather watch that advert with the bloke hitting himself than Dan Gosling's dramatic late winner for Everton against Liverpool in the FA Cup.
Anyway, enough of that, let's rejoice in the sheer joy Barcelona brought into living rooms across the country on Wednesday evening - apart from half of those in Manchester, plus Surrey, Cambridge, Taunton...
All the pre-match rhetoric was peppered with references to Christians and lions, Cristianos and Lionels, but it was the dynamic duo of Xavi and Iniesta who left everyone gasping for breath. They may be puppet-sized, but the pair were pulling the strings in midfield and the X-Man even had enough time for a stern word in Ronaldo's shell-like, no doubt borrowing a line from Get Carter to inform him: "You're a big man, but you're in bad shape."
At the business end of the pitch, it was Eto'o and Messi who did the damage - the former celebrating his strike by vigorously tapping his inner arm in a curious manner last witnessed in Trainspotting. His Argentine team-mate then killed the game off by hanging in the air longer than my Uncle's flatulence to nod in the second - a goal which must have had Terry Venables squirming in his armchair.
The former Barca manager did an interview with the Daily Mail looking ahead to the final, in which he declared: "Messi is wonderful on the right but Ronaldo is terrific on the right, the left and through the middle as well. He also scores goals with his head, which Messi couldn't do even if they put a top hat on him." Oops.
While Eto'o and Messi were hitting the net, Gerard Pique decided to cut it up with a pair of scissors (where did he get them from?) to take home as a souvenir. By the time he'd finished, he had enough material to make a Rab C Nesbitt-style string vest - although it still wouldn't have been as holey as the United defence.
But the Red Devils haven't become a rubbish team overnight and they can console themselves with the knowledge that, like their opponents, they too did the treble this season - Barca adding the Champions League title to the Copa del Rey and La Liga, with United taking the Premier League, the Carling Cup and the, er, ooh it's on the tip of my tongue.
And of course they got to meet Prince William and English football's number one fan Michel Platini as they collected their losers' medals. The Uefa president has made no secret of where his loyalties lie and his post-match grin was even wider than the one worn by Fergie at the KC Stadium upon hearing Newcastle were down.
Ferguson's opposite number last weekend was Hull's Phil Brown, who just in case no-one had noticed his embarrassing half-time team-talk in December, decided to lead a public karaoke version of Sloop John B in the middle of the pitch.
I'm not saying Brown's got a large ego, but I wouldn't be surprised if he began his mornings by gazing into the shaving mirror singing that other Beach Boys classic God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You.
While Hull fans were in rapture it was a different story down at Villa Park, as Newcastle went down quicker than Ricky Hatton after limply succumbing to their fate. The Geordies ended the game with 10 men after David Edgar behaved more like Edgar Davids with two rash challenges, although in fairness they'd struggled to have scored with 20.
Middlesbrough also slipped into the Championship, much to the dismay of fellow-blogger Robbo, while Sunderland fans celebrated their last-day escape by holding up placards reading 'Let's all laugh at Newcastle'. Although you suspect they may have produced them even if the Black Cats had gone down too.
Congratulations to Burnley, back in the top flight for the first time since Brotherhood of Man were at number one, and marking the occasion by handing out 7,000 free season tickets to loyal fans. The Clarets announced they wouldn't be continuing with the pledge into a second Premier League season, which as The Guardian's Fiver noted was "pretty much the definition of spring optimism".
In Scotland, Rangers fans had a cunning plan to get tickets to see their side win the SPL at Tannadice after the away allocation quickly sold out. A poster on a Rangers forum wrote: "Phone up the club shop and ask to buy a pair of Dundee United socks. Don't even mention tickets for Sunday. They might become suspicious.
"Then when they take your sock order, personal details and process your payment, your details will be stored on their system. Phone up again and order your home tickets for the Rangers match and because of your sock order, you will be on their system and you will get your match tickets. It's perfect."
Perfect, aside from the fact there was no such database, resulting in Rangers fans ending up with hundreds of pairs of Dundee United socks and no match tickets. The poster was a Celtic fan.
Nearly as embarrassing as the injury that kept out Gers defender Kirk Broadfoot, who suffered burns to his face when a poached egg exploded in the microwave, prompting rival fans to gleefully chant: "Shall we poach an egg for you?"
Looking ahead to this weekend and it's Chelsea v Everton in the FA Cup final - a pairing that has thriller written all over it. Wayne Rooney is apparently taking 25 friends to cheer on the Toffees, but after strained relations with the club over the past few years, he might be thinking about wearing a disguise. The white shirt he wore against Barcelona should do it - nobody saw him for 90 minutes.
It's not clear whether heavily pregnant Coleen will be among the party or whether Cheryl Cole will be there to support her man. The Girls Aloud singer has just been voted as men's ultimate fantasy cheerleader - a fact of no real significance, other than it allows me to publish a gratuitous picture of her to lead us nicely into the weekend.
The real stars of the FA Cup, though, will undoubtedly be the return of the legendary pairing whose names will raise a smile as soon as you read them. Yes, Saint and Greavesie are back doing a stint for Setanta. Rejoice! For younger viewers who don't know what they're missing, here's a clip of them in their pomp (check those hi-tech opening titles).
And finally, story of the week involved Steven Gerrard, who admitted to Football Punk magazine he used to "take one for the team" by chatting up ugly girls so his team-mates could Kop off with their fairer friends. I know exactly where he's coming from - although in my case I had no choice.
OTHER STUFF
Your chance to lift the FA Cup in the office
Norwegian mascot punches player in the face
Ronaldo interviews himself
Newcastle vicar's hymn
Videos courtesy of Off The Post and E.O.N
I am a journalist with BBC Sport, dealing with the more offbeat stories doing the rounds. I am a QPR fan - and also quite fond of football. If our new-found wealth brings success I'll be happy to tell anyone exactly where I was when we were sh... rubbish - row J seat 139.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~14~RS~)
Comments
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First comment? Yaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! I've always wanted that honour. Now I'll read it and say something nice later. Love the blogs very much Chris
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- apart from half of those in Manchester, plus Surrey, Cambridge, Taunton...
lol. and also me in Slough. Also had me on the floor with Rooney disappearing in his white shirt! Very sad day cos those Catalans decided to cheat by painting their boots with glue.
We'll be back! (Oh wait we won 3 trophies we never went anywhere haha)
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The story about the Rangers fans and the Dundee socks is hilarious!! I wonder how many people actually fell for it and ordered them, thinking they would then be able to buy match tickets?
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3. Congratulations on having the longest user-name ever (and no, I'm not going to type it out again).
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The story about the Rangers fans is top top drawer, had me in stiches!!!
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....while Sunderland fans celebrated their last-day escape by holding up placards reading 'Let's all laugh at Newcastle'. Although you suspect they may have produced them even if the Black Cats had gone down too.
sums the mackems up perfectly.... another good review this week chris!
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it looks as though Cheryl has just been asked in which direction her beloved Newcastle are heading!!
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Its a bit ABU this blog aint it?
Nice bits at the end, especially the dundee socks incident, but did you really need to put the boot in on Sir Alex, it was you journo's who'd built us up to be unstoppable. Even my usually Fergy hating friends all say he accepted defeat gracefully.
Don't tell me they've got another Liverpool fan or ex player working for the beeb???
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8. philtoon82: Ha ha! Nice bit of gallows humour there, Phil.
10. Red Devil Wookiee: Before the game I actually wanted United to win, much to the annoyance of my Liverpool-supporting girlfriend. But as the game wore on, I could do nothing but sit back and admire the beauty of Barcelona's deadly passing game. If the boot had been on the other foot I'm sure I would have had a joke at Barca's expense. And for the record I support QPR, flattering though it is to be described as an ex-Liverpool player!
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12. Oh dear, just broken the record for mentioning the word 'game' most times in one sentence (comment 11). Sadly no edit button to correct it either - I'll just have to live with the shame.
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Chris great blog again!
Despite being a Man Utd fan that Rooney joke was very good! Though i wouldn't blame rooney for going missing, Sir Alex is to blame for that!
Also, that Rangers story is bloody awesome, i'm afraid i'm going to have to nick it and tell all my mates it! Provided they don't read your blog too.
I'm too young to remember Saint and Greavesy, but i can still remember Skinner and Baddiel doing it for Fantasy Football
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chris, not that i'm really complaining, but inserting gratuitous pictures of women is too much i can take when i'm meant to be working! i can get away with reading the odd blog, sure, but now you've got me googling images of celebrity women.... so i guess, thank you and damn you!
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I'm confused by "a pairing that has thriller written all over it", which appears immediately underneath picture 3. Is this a reference to the picture, or to the cup final?
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If you're going to mention the "socks" story, then you HAVE to mention Operation Tango...
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15. foxtrot_charlie: Many apologies, it won't happen again - well, unless I can find a tenuous Angelina Jolie link to association football by this time next week.
17. Zootmac: Pure accident, I can assure you - albeit an unfortunate one.
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Chris - Angelina Jolie is a Liverpool fan!
No word of a lie: years ago, when she was doing the Tomb Raider films, her personal trainer was the Scouser Eunice Hutthart (who had become famous on the back of a successful stint as a competitor on Gladiators). Eunice gave a Liverpool shirt to Angelina's adopted son Maddox, and the rest is history.
Think I'm BS-ing you? Type "angelina jolie liverpool fan" into Google and see for yourself.
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"but it was the dynamic duo of Xavi and Iniesat.... "
Iniesat?
Chris, you're related to David(Benyonoon)Pleat aren't you!
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i love pleat when he talks about the goal scoring prowess of one Terry Sheddingham... look it up
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Told the Socks story to a mate who is a Rangers fan, his response, quick as a flash, was "at least they were orange socks!"
The depth of these Glaswegians rivalry amazes me.
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Good blog Chris and good news the see who's back in TV on Setanta.
I saw Saint n Greavsie live in the Tunbridge Wells Assembly Halls back when I was about 9 or 10. There was only about 27 people in the entire 1000 seater theatre and worst of all, my youth, and therefore untarnished innocence, clearly put them off their stride. Saint kept glancing at me uneasily and he skipped over the majority of their Rodney Marsh material altogether. Despite this, he still made sure he signed my S&G poster first when the entire audience crowded round for autographs. Greavsie was a little less forgiving.
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ref 19
Thanks for the clarification. I thought you were implying that Cheryl had had an intimate tattoo of her favourite Michael Jackson album.
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Great blog CC!You've really out done your self this time mate.The Fergie interview where he kept coughing was hilarious.Give the man a glass of water for Pete's sake and stop asking questions!Better yet something stronger after a one sided final.As a commentator put it,without the ball you're stuffed.Simple really!
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It's a nice tale about Rangers fans and socks but it's already been debunked by a Dundee United director (there is/was an audio clip of the interview on this very site).
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27. Cheers R&B! Always good to hear from you.
28. BlueHeaven: Fair point, but in truth all the stories I've written about here have been in the public domain in one form or other. My job is akin to a shepherd - I round them all up and try to make them fit neatly together - failing miserably a lot of the time, granted.
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Haha i've always hated Venables! He really doesn't deserve to talk about football! He pratically got leeds relegated after they didn't get into europe even though they had a great squad, even without Rio Ferdinand. And Then to be assistant manager when Englnad don't Qualify for the Euro's. The man doesn't know what he's talking about anymore! He's stuck in the past! Barcelona were simply fantastic. Serves Man Utd fans right for being so cockey! Almost every fan were saying 3-1, 3-0, a comfortable win and Didn't appreciate the way or how good Barca are.
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Chris Charles, more like Gary Charles... all the writing finesse of a drunken oaf who was only ever famous for injuring Gazza in his prime.
If you wish to praise Barcelona, please do it objectively and not as blinkered as a 150/1 outsider at Aintree. Barcelona were not THE great side the media portrayed them as, it was easy, Etoo was average, Henry poor, the 'great' Messi again disappointing and it was left to their midfield to salvage an otherwise very disappointing evening.
One can only hope that unless Ronaldo shuts his mouth and starts appreciating his team mates as he ought to, that he be sold and sold a a good price. We have seen before how players such as Ince, Kanchelskis, Beckham, and Van Nistelrooy have been dispenced with in their supposed prime and Manchester United have come through winning trophies under Sir Alex Ferguson as they have for almost 20 years.
Losing a cup final is never and never has been the end of great sides, one would only hope that an employee of the BBC, whose wages are presumably paid for by the TV License fee, would find an objective slant on their reporting, even if he is foolish enough to date a Liverpool supporter.
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im a fan on 606 n av been 4a while. i hate to comment negatively on articles but i didnt find this funny or informative. jus wondered wats ur angle on serious games like this? didn fully understand ur point on ronaldo - or the comments made by xavi n iniesta to him??? ne chance of elaboration?
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In addition, I find it amazing how many ignorant comments are coming in regarding the amount of possession Manchester United had. It was 50/50, United had more shots on goal and overall represented a bigger threat. The major difference was the fact that the Barcelona midfield USED their possession when they had it, rather than passing it backwards before a hopeful long ball towards Ronaldo.
By no means were United starved of possession, they simply gave it away when it mattered, which resulted in the many meaningless 20 yard+ shots fired off by "the best 3 players in the world" Cristiano Ronaldo, and most importantly, no goals.
The overall diagnosis, buy a left sided midfielder Fergie! United have been playing without a decent one for 4 seasons as Giggs simply has not got the pace any more. It is the only position on the pitch in which United are lacking.
Wayne Rooney produces reliable performances in a United and an England shirt, but recently only regular goals have come in an England shirt (when he has been played through the middle!!!). Get him away from the flank and into a position where he can be effective on a regular basis for club and country.
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Post number 18
Operation Tango? I thought that was an SAS operation to hunt war criminals in Bosnia?
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31. You ruin your reputation in your first sentence. If you were at the game, you would know that Gazza attempted to put his studs through Garry Parker's chest, before his crazy lunge at Gary Charles resulted in the injury that ruined his career. I can think of no more blatant self-inflicted injury in the last 20 years. It was only because the ref was Roger Milford - the smiling referee - that he was only yellow-carded as he was stretchered off, and not red-carded.
I think you're in line for the "most biased opinion of the week" award.
Well done.
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In my opinion i believe United didnt play that badly in the final, Ronaldo tested the keeper whenever possible, Rooney played well in the position he was told to play in (out of position), evra and oshea got forward and Carrick gave an outstanding display in how to spread/pass the ball, rivalling lampard and barry, in terms the quality of english football.
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What about Capello, Chris. Have you interviewed the dour Italian post-match? He may need some cheering up.
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ENG FAC Chelsea vs Everton will hold tomorrow night ,which is the last game of this season.i expect it will be a Wonderful game just like Champions League final!!Chelsea win champion!!!!!!!
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PrisonKid69 is why Utd struggle to find a neautrally appreciative fan base. http://farm1.static.flickr.com/107/306427674_76a0279a78.jpg?v=0
maybe try taking them off for 5 seconds and have a look around. The Barca midfield salvaged nothing; they were excellent. Even your boss humbly accepted defeat - why can't you ?
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It does amaze me how many people have complained about your article, which lets face it, is satirical rather than factually sound. I wonder if they would write to complain about Have I got news for you when someone makes a joke that isnt true!! Shock horror!!! I feel sorry for you that dozy football fans are coming on here and complaining about you, when all you are doing is providing some light entertainment, using facts and making funny comparisons/comments about them. SOme football fans really do take things too seriously some times, oh well i thought it was a very funny review.
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"But the Red Devils haven't become a rubbish team overnight"
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LOL - Indeed no!
It's taken years of painstaking preparation in the crucible of mediocrity that is English football.
Barca totally embarrassed Man U. It would have amounted to ritual humiliation, had it not been so majestically playful.
Park, Carrick, Scholes: utter stodge. Xavi, Messi, Iniesta. Like putting undercooked cabbage and mouldy potatoes on a plate next to Beluga and langoustine thermidor.
And as for the comments of "PrisonKid69" - I would suggest, my good fellow, that you avail yourself of the in-house mental health services which Her Majesty's excellent institutions provide. There's still hope you can make a sensible contribution to society.
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Haha great article! Especially about Phil Brown and the London based united fans!
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Good blog as per usual it does amuse me reading your review of the week. especially the so called experts having a pop. prob jealousy but it makes my week seeing united lose and all their fans going loopy. They are such bad losers. normally with incorrect facts as prison kid 69 points out about the shots? maybe shots off target but on target and totalled together Barcelona had more.
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Don't want to be a pedant....well, I do. Like the 'Get Carter' reference, but it's 'you're a big man but you're outta shape!'. Stop getting Caine wrong!:-D. Classic movie, classic match. The picture of the Utd players watching Barca get the medals look like the party goers lined up outside at dawn following the police raid(in the same film). Class. Goodbye Alex!
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To you numpties who are so quick to have a pop at Manchester United....
I understand United are not a very popular club for the fans of others but what is the need to have a go? Is it because of our success?
Instead of knocking them you should be praising them. After all, it is a club which has been run on a very successful principle for many years, one of which has brought great success. The wealth accumilated (another aspect knocked) has been done so over the years using this method. Its not as if the money has been handed to them, it has been hard earned.
As much as everyone hates it (bar United and fans alike) they are still a hugely successful club and will continue to be so. How can we lose a CL final and be knocked and critised? would any other team recieve this treatment? I think not!!
To say the fans are bitter is also a joke. From United fans i've heard nothing but congratulations to Barca and how they deserved it. It is also fair to say (as much as you guys don't like to admit it) United was very much off colour that night. You all know we will come back just as strong next season and it frightens you to think what they can achieve, so you take digs and jump on their backs when they are down....
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PrisonKid69 - you are still clearly stuck behind bars, albeit such is the luxury there, u probably had a 60-inch screen in your own en-suite.. Suffice to say, tv must have been so big that the game passed you by - first-off - Gazza broke his OWN leg trying to break both of Gary Charles' legs - get your facts straight on that initial point...
Secondly, Messi was hardly disappointing, ridiculous remark...
Thirdly - Aside from the first 8 minutes, Barcelona were clearly a bigger threat, also hitting the post and having 2-3 one-on-ones... get the points/facts straight.............
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A real truism in sports is that you have to "dance with the lady that brung ya".
Gus was acutely aware and cognizant of Drogba's contribution. Thus his faithfullness to Didier was amply rewarded in Chelsea's season finale. In contrast to Scolari's fatal mistake. IMHO.
On the other hand as commented in another post by moi, United season finale exposed that its a one trick pony team. Fergie's faux pas or foul up was that he forgot that United has 'to dance with the lady that brung dem'.
Changing tactics, in panic, after a goal down was the mistake that our 'dancing, prancing and diving diva' was alluding to.
Chemistry between CR and the rest of the team (especially Rooney and Giggs) was evidently missing or lacking during the remaining 80 plus minutes. The alpha dog was not supported by the pack and the change in direction (tactics)by the driver.
Reminds me of Barca last few non-winning seasons with Ronaldinho and Etoo (Rooney's counterpart).
IMHO respectfully submitted to sum up my thots for the best week of soccer (oops I mean football) viewing for the season.
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Chris you are my maan. QPR fan (comment #11) eh!
In the 70's all my mates jumped on the Manchester United bandwagon except me as a solitary QPR fan in the whole dem town.
Now I'm rooting for not just one but a few EPL teams. Go figger!
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Ferguson was hardly generous in his acceptance of defeat. He was, however, very generous in his failure to adequately prepare his team to play the appropriate tactics against Barcelona.
The man sends his team out every week as if they are playing West Brom.
I too hoped they would beat Barcelona, after Chelsea were robbed in the semis, I got a bit sick of hearing how good the Catalans are. Sadly Sir Alex didnt have it in him, to do the business, but he had it in him to throw his players under the bus after the game- "some of our players will feel they didnt play well enough". Some of your fans might realise that you didnt coach well enough, Fergie?
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like paul scholes last year, fergie handed a free place at the final to ji sung park... why? when you KNOW you've made the cut, why the hell would you train hard? OK there's honour etc, but in reality, if he'd turned around and said "Park only makes the squad if he's good enough" he may have played better! As a united fan, I've seen them play every minute of every game this season , and this was collectively, the worst! (including getting stuffed by liverpool, when vidic was just awful) Carrick's passing was vague, giggs was slower and more unreliable than ever, and Ronaldo had no support the whole game. bringing on Tevez just threw the team further into disarray... if he's good enough to win games, play him from the start, then take him off if you're three nil up!
mind you, fergie's the most decorated manager in English football history, and I'm just a lowly pool-cleaner in Cyprus... what do I know?
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You have no right to mock United really, we were the best english team this year, like it or not. And maybe we didn't slump down to show some actual respect to worthy winners! Oh, and since when did you have to be from the place you support? Hmm
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And whats all this stick Ji-Sung Park is getting?! Alongside Tevez, he is Uniteds hardest working player, and always causes trouble. He deserved his spot in that starting 11 without a doubt, hence one of the most successfull managers of all time putting him there. We would be a worse club without the brilliant Korean, show him some respect!
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I utterly disagree with this kind of "journalism".
Suggesting that Sir Alex looked like a prison rape victim (and other similarly degrading comments throughout)should not be associated with the BBC.
This blog has a "Complain about this comment" feature,but in fact what it needs more is "Complain about this Blog" link.
It stinks.
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IM glad phill brown is being seen for the **** he is!
Also that rangers story was hilarious but the rooney disapearing joke is not very fair seeing as he only does his job , its down to fergie and his tactics being wrong on the night (although they worked for the first 10 mins)
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I find it incredible that there are soooo many sad Man Utd fans that find there way onto such message boards. Don't they realise that despite the best efforts of the press, they are not the only team that exists in the world and there are lots of other topics covered in the blog but you dont see any Newcastle fans (for example) on here do you? Obviously Manc fans have as much of a sense of humour as there red nosed manager.
This is a blog that is supposed to be...............wait for it...............light hearted and amusing and not a massively serious analysis of the game. How could it be anything else from a QPR fan? (Sorry Chris couldn't resist!)
A bit of advice to fans of the utterly meaningless 'Champions of the World' (by beating Sydney Utd!!) get a life!!
Oh and by the way I remember Saint & Greavsie. 'You kill me Greavsie' was the most that the Saint usually mustered in his hey day. Still not a bad programme in the days when ITV had more than the odd match on the tele.
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Apologies for the delay in replying to those of you below 30 - here goes...
31. PrisonKid69: It was Gazza that injured Gary Charles, not the other way round (as pointed out by no 35). Re the CL final, I did say in the piece 'But the Red Devils haven't become a rubbish team overnight' and if you thought Barcelona didn't play that well, you must have been watching a different game to me old son!
41. Sevenseaman: Not had the pleasure of meeting Mr Capello, but I reckon under that tough exterior he'd be quite a laugh once you got to know him.
47. eyeoftigerted and 63. Exiled kopite: Cheers guys - as you pointed out, this blog is not supposed to be taken seriously - more an irreverent look at the week's events. It was all going swimmingly up till comment 31, but I suspect the link was stuck onto a fans' website, with the instructions 'give that pillock what's coming to him!' - and fair play. If you dish it out, you've got to be prepared to take it on the chin.
52. dmrichkt: I thought the same as you - in fact there's a little Welsh fella in our office who does a brilliant take-off of that scene, but when I watched it on a well-known video-sharing site, the actual quote was: "You're a big man, but you're in bad shape." One of those 'Play it again, Sam' moments.
56. soccerinteg: Top man! Us R's fans have got to stick together - we're a dying breed!
61. Pavlovich: Sorry you're not a fan, but as I said about two comments ago, it's not meant to be taken seriously, just a gentle ribbing. As for the comment you took exception too, 'duffing' up is a schoolboy term for getting beaten in a fight, certainly nothing to do with what you were suggesting.
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The story about the Dundee United socks is possibly one of the best I have ever heard! Think the neighbours may have heard me laugh.
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