Review of the week
There's no business like snow business - just ask Harry Redknapp, who quite literally brought in Robbie Keane from the cold on transfer deadline day.
As millions stayed off work because of the 'adverse weather conditions' (London Underground's wording, not mine), you got the feeling Keane would have gladly walked to White Hart Lane from Liverpool, where he was proving as useful as a glass cricket bat to Rafa Benitez.
It completed a bizarre hat-trick for Redknapp, with the Irishman joining Jermain Defoe and Pascal Chimbonda at the Tottenham retirement home for old boys. But it proved to be a nice little earner for the club, reportedly £8m up on the transfer before add-ons, which should just about cover the Defoe deficit to Pompey.
Along the Seven Sisters Road, the Andrey Arshavin deal-or-snow-deal saga (I'll stop there) headed into extra-time before the Russian finally put pen to paper, while the surprise move of the window involved Julien Faubert's switch from West Ham to Real Madrid. "I thought it was a wind-up," said the player. So did we, mate - so did we.
Manchester City's January shopping list began with Kaka and Santa Cruz and ended with Given and Bellamy. The Welshman did his bit to entice a few superstars to Eastlands by declaring he would happily clean the boots of any "top new players". Form an orderly queue behind John Arne Riise, lads.
Neighbours United were in the happy position of not needing to buy anyone on deadline day, particularly at the back, where they extended their Premier League record with a 12th successive shut-out in the win over Everton.
The last time they conceded a league goal was in the defeat by Arsenal on 8 November, when Liverpool were three points clear at the top, John Sergeant was still in Strictly Come Dancing and my house was worth more than a packet of Polos.
Joe Kinnear suffered a George Bush moment when he mistakenly referred to Charles N'Zogbia as 'insomnia', leading to a very public display of toy-throwing from the Frenchman, who declared he would never play for the manager again. N'Zogbia got his wish with a switch to Wigan - but you can bet Kinnear would not have lost any sleep over his departure.
Magpies owner Mike Ashley ended his self-imposed exile with an appearance at St James Park for the Tyne-Wear derby (presumably on the basis that if Newcastle had won, the fans would forgive him anything). In the event, the Toon Army were only kept at bay thanks to a late howler from Michael Chopra - you can take the man out of Newcastle....
Ashley wisely chose not to down any pints in one or wear the black and white stripes to the game, although one would hope he was not acting on the advice of former chairman Freddy Shepherd, who warned in an interview: "Sitting with the fans with the shirt on wasn't a clever thing to do. You've got to have some dignity."
That's right, the same Freddy Shepherd who branded Alan Shearer 'Mary Poppins', Newcastle women 'dogs' and ridiculed fans paying OTT prices for replica tops, while being secretly taped during a News of the World sting at a brothel.
For the record, Ashley was dressed in a sombre shirt, while all around him fans went topless, seemingly oblivious to the bitter elements. A London-based Geordie friend went back to the Toon recently and almost stopped traffic after putting on a woolly hat to combat the sub-zero temperatures. A few choice words of abuse later and said hat was swiftly mothballed until his train docked safely back in St Pancras.
Goodness knows what those hardy souls would make of David Beckham's behaviour with his new friends in Milan. The England midfielder has been a revelation in Italy and his superstitious team-mates reckon it's all down to a bizarre bottom ritual. When he scored against Bologna, Clarence Seedorf and Andrea Pirlo gave him a friendly pat on the behind. When he netted against Genoa, Kaka did the honours.
Beckham has given the players 'formal permission to touch it again because it will mean I've scored another goal'.
He must be relieved he's not on the same side as Jose Bosingwa, if the Chelsea defender's 'friendly pat' on Yossi Benayoun's backside was anything to go by. The Portuguese amazingly escaped censure for the kung-fu attack, while in the same game, Riley (ace of sighs) red-carded Frank Lampard for winning the ball off Xabi Alonso - another marvellous chapter in the highly successful Respect campaign.
The strangest sight at Anfield was of Liverpool owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett, who couldn't have sat further away from each other if one of them had stayed in the States.
No doubt the pair were up till all hours after the Liverpool game watching the Super Bowl (in separate hotels, naturally) - which I'm reliably informed was a cracker. Certainly for some of the menfolk in parts of Arizona, where the coverage was very rudely interrupted by footage from a blue movie. There's all sorts of innuendos to be made there but I think I'd better save them until I get that dream job editing the Finnbarr Saunders column on Viz.
Readers of last week's column might remember I was hoping to run into Stuart Pearce at a Buzzcocks concert on Friday. Brilliant gig but sadly no sign of the great man - although given some of the horror sightings of ancient grizzled punks in the audience (myself included), Psycho is keeping himself in remarkable shape for an old fella.
Heart-warming story of the week came in a press release from Plymouth Argyle, which read: 'Argyle are rewarding those members of the Green Army making the long Pilgrimage to watch the Greens at Preston on Tuesday night with free coach travel to their next away fixture. Nineteen brave fans left Home Park for the 300-mile journey north to Deepdale.'
Still, that's 19 more than made it to Loftus Road, where I was a little miffed that our game against Swansea had been called off. While fully appreciating the transport difficulties for away fans, a quick glance at the fixture list revealed Swansea, Cardiff, Millwall and Leeds had all been due in town on Tuesday night - and all four games were swiftly postponed. Coincidence? I'll leave that to the conspiracy theorists.
OTHER STUFF
Capello and the lap-dancer
Noel Gallagher dedicates Don't Look Back In Anger to Kaka
I am a journalist with BBC Sport, dealing with the more offbeat stories doing the rounds. I am a QPR fan - and also quite fond of football. If our new-found wealth brings success I'll be happy to tell anyone exactly where I was when we were sh... rubbish - row J seat 139. 
~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~53~RS~)
Comments
I think you'll find it's 12 successive clean sheets for United...
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Another great review Chris!
Though on a slightly negative point, not nearly enough snow based puns for my liking! haha...
Speaking of potential conspiracies, how come the Arsenal game, (in their shiny new stadium) on tues was called off. yet burnleys match against west brom (up north and in not a nearly enough nicer stadium) managed to go ahead?
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I think you will find United did actually sign a few players, to the Tune of 17 million. Delighted Given has left Newcastle. I am sure certain absolutely sans doubt that Man City will actually win something now. Generally they have a decent Defence and in Given a world class keeper who will organise a slightly lost back four. With their other aquisitions I am sure Sparky has a team that Kaka might be looking at a bit ruefully in 12 months time.
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Entertaining read, perhaps you should give some tips to 'robbo' on how to write a witty and amusing article. he needs them.
Cannot believe that Bosingwa has got away with that assault, first from the referee and assistants and then the FA as well. its a disgrace and he should fined and suspended for a lengthy period. With that kind of officiating in such a high profile match, the 'respect' campaign is doomed for failure. Perhaps the FA should concentrate on making sure the refs are clear about their own duties rather than over complicating everything else for no good reason. Hopefully Beckham will quit the Galaxy and move to AC permanantly. Serie A is the perfect league for his style of play, and he will shine in Italy, especially being surrounded with the quality that Milan have already. N'Zogbia never quite made the grade at Newcastle (having said that, who does? Xisco, Luque.....) and the only reason Arsenal would have been interested is because his native language is French. He will probably do very well at Wigan, especially as neither Mido or Zaki are small guys to aim for!
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This was the Chris Charles we all know and love! Brilliant stuff man, realy enjoyed this one. The last one wasnt bad but this was top draw stuff.
Oh and i do hope Becks stays at Milan, because i want to see him back in an England shirt, and not just as a sentimental 3 minute sub appearance. In the 06 World Cup when he was our captain, looking at him, he was such an iconic figure, and he deserved to win something for us, and maybe he still will, but not if he re-joins the Galaxy. Staying at Milan, he will be on a fantastic training program, his fitness will be tip top and injuries should be kept minimal. And also his popularity at Milan seems to have snowballed.... Oh leave it out!
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Great Stuff as usual Chris mate
I was wondering when somebody would come up with the good old "deal or snow deal" gag considering the weather and the end of the transfer window?!
and then there u were to stand up proudly done the cap and use the awful gag?! haha lol
fair play for having the unmentionables to use it?! haha
loved the pic of Becks and his AC Milan gang?! Sooooo funny?! looks rather homo-erotic, can just imagine it on s morning football programme in slow motion with the music in the background of "je t'aime"
hahahaha
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On the transfer front I heard Chelsea were in the market for a bulldozer but JCB couldn't get the paperwork through in time, it's the only way they'd have been able to break down a defence.
I'm just glad the window is now shut and Delph is staying with us at Leeds at least until the summer. That's unless Arsenal decide they want him in which case the window will be opened double-quick.
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1. Bortron: I was referring to the 11 games that broke the Premier League record but can see how it's all a bit confusing, so have amended accordingly.
2. VidicThe Destroyer: I think two snow puns was more than enough - if you catch my drift.
3. Good afternoon Collie - I've done really well with my United facts today, haven't I? I meant they didn't need to buy anyone on deadline day but as I didn't put that I should be rightly chastised.
I'm currently sitting with my hands on my head facing the wall, but once I've finsihed doing that I'll complete the sentence.
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think you will find United did actually sign a few players, to the Tune of 17 million. Delighted Given has left Newcastle. I am sure certain absolutely sans doubt that Man City will actually win something now. Generally they have a decent Defence and in Given a world class keeper who will organise a slightly lost back four. With their other aquisitions I am sure Sparky has a team that Kaka might be looking at a bit ruefully in 12 months time.
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made me chuickle that post. kaka will probably miss maldini, pirlo, seedorf, pato, ronaldinho etc, especially when he could play with the ever reliable micah richards and richard dunne at the back, and the clowns they have up front (robinho obviosuly excluded)
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re post 3 - city have bought the wrong keeper if they think given is an organiser. no defence he's every played behind at newcastle has ever looked organised so i doubt he's suddely going to develop schmeicel-like organisation skills overnight.
good shot stopper though although you already have hart and young schmeicel.
good blog fletch and i think you're so right re kinnear. i've seen the interview since and it's a complete slip of the tounge from kinnear with no malice at all but he'll be well glad to get shot of someone who obviously was waiting for the chance to leave and pounced on it. good job dear bobby is not still in charge with his nack for getting his players names wrong.
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Chris, think you'll find it was the tyne-wear derby. Think you should edit that otherwise some of the unwashed may be upset.
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Tyne - Tees derby? Would you like to try again?
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I'll third that. You've even hyperlinked it to the correct match report!
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11, 12 , 13 (and probably 15, 16 &17 by the time I've finished this reply). Dear oh lord, I'm having a shocker today. Hope my Sunderland-supporting colleague isn't looking in - I'll never make it out of the building alive.
Sincere apologies to all you Mackems (hope I've spelt that right) - it has now been corrected but may take a little while to go through. In the meantime I'll crawl into that big hole which is hopefully about to open up in front of me.
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10. bushfighter: 'Good blog Fletch'? Was that a slip of the tongue or a piece of comedy genius from your good self? I'll happily be referred to as Fletch - a fine upstanding member of the community and classy, intelligent writer to boot. The very antithesis of me, some might say.
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Also, I still can't comprehend the Bosingwa incident. How on earth did he get away with it, especially as the lino SAW it? I can only think that the lino looked directly at the unibrow (a definite no-no) and his mind turned to mush.
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@ bushfighter - this is charles' blog, not fletch!
"N'Zogbia got his wish with a switch to Wigan - but you can bet Kinnear would not have lost any sleep over his departure. "
Insomnia - faithless (name of band)
' i can't get no sleep...' lol
if you did mean that little pun, you are a legend!
Interesting week and quick insight into all main news etc. Thanks for good blog!
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On another note,
SERIOUSLY......... HOW ON EARTH....... has Faubert got a transfer to Real?????????
his is awful from when ever I have seen him?! as i have already read somewhere on the beeb, "he must have the greatest agent in the world" - that or Juande Ramos is starting to go ever so slight;y barmy with the pressure at Madrid?! I mean he seems intent on signing average players, or players that wont really fit a system, or just they plain old arent good enuf, since he left Sevilla?!
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#17
Er you do know insomnia is a condition where a sufferer finds it difficult to sleep if at all....
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Perhaps patting il Bechs' rounded cheeks should be part of the half-time entertainment for all the female supporters as well - maybe it could be extended to Buffon's, Maldini's, Mourinho's etc. I'm sure this would help to fill the black holes in the stands of their cavernous athletic stadia.
I've got to say I'm pleased that things are going so well for Beckham in Milan - the guy comes in for so much criticism but just gets on with things, gives his all and plays well; it's obvious that his success hasn't made him into a petulant celeb.
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As long as we catch Inter at the top of Serie A i dont really care what part of Goldenballs'anatomy is touched,pinched or fondled.He's been brilliant so far.Kinda like the Chris Charles blog.(is there a butt kiss smiley?)
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The Boswinga thing was very strange...and not just the assault. The linesman was flagging as if in a semaphore class but the ref just ignored him!????
If Lampard can get his red card rescinded then why not look at that incident too?
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Faubert to Real Madrid, what ever next?
That must go done as the exact opposite of Kaka signing for City (if he had done!).
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Bosingwa got away with that. Its not a big deal but then we cannot complain nowonwards that FA and premier league are biased against the foreign players...
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17. gurji_123: Yes, it was intentional - do I get my 'legend' badge?
19. SaintOne: I'm sure he knows that - just an ironic twist on my part.
18. Samwell2804: It was Paul Merson who came up with the quip "Who's his agent? He should be knighted by the Queen!" - as found in Tuesday's Quotes of the Week
21: R&B - welcome back sir! 'kinda like' is good enough for me - must get that butt-kiss smiley sorted. Is your username a tribute to the red and black of Milan - or perhaps you're a Cherries afficionado?
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Hi Chris, entertaining read, liked the bit about Bellamy cleaning Rises boots!
Look I wrote about this yesterday and I would like you to verify this for me as you can check all your contacts/resources. you may end up making me look quite stupid!
Liverpool did not make an 8mill loss. I have read from reputable newspapers and BBC and other sources that the deal for Keane was initially done so that there were 2 installments from Liverpool to Spurs (10Mill each time). Now do you really think Liverpool would let Keane go for a 8 mill loss?? Use yor heads. The stupid papers have not reported this as well they are interested in stirring. But it is Spurs who cancelled the last payment therefore liverpool made 2Mill(plus any add-ons). With the debt at liverpool and the lack of cover for Torres, do you really think Liverpool would have done this? Spurs remember resigned Dafoe and payed more, they have done the same with Keane but it has not been reported correctly, partially as Spurs would not want to look like they have spent more and the tabloid hacks neglect boring truths and facts.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Cheers
Rodent
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good blog,
bosingwa s challenge wasnt that bad, y is every1 making such a big deal about it, if he had pushed the player wit his hand no1 would be making a fuss about it, all he did was push the player in the back wit his foot, a yellow card would hav been the harshest punishment, not quite sure how the ref and especially the lino missed the fowler, but every1s going on as if hes karate kicked the player from behind and stamped on his head
ps lets hope arshavin gets match fit and scores the winner against spurs
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27. The Rodent: First of all, I was careful to put 'reported' in there. There's so many figures being bandied out it's difficult to know what's what, but here goes.
According to respected football bible soccerbase, Keane was sold to Liverpool for £20.3m and was bought back for £12m. Where the waters start to get muddied is when you factor in add-ons, down-payments etc.
I'm sure you've probably got a point but I'm going to stick with soccerbase and 'reported' for now.
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Great piece, as always, particularly the take on Shepherd's hypocrisy. Perhaps now you could ply the same wit on your boss's blogs?
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It wouldn't surprise me if Faubert miraculously blossoms into a fabby player for Surreal Madrid - like a butterlfy emerging from a chrysalis. He was supposed to be the dog's new wotsits when West Ham signed him but it was found that he preferred, very sportingly, to pass the ball to the opposition and had all the shooting potential of the Italian army.
Could he turn out to be another wonder signing by Juande Ramos? Like Bentley or Bent, or...is there a player at Spurs called Be?
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Very entertaining read. I actually laughed a great deal more than usual whenever I pay a visit to these blogs!
I think for everyone involved - AC Milan supporters, England supporters and admirers of Becks himself - it would only be for the best if he stays in Italy with us. We're catching up on Inter and if we can do the double over them we've got a real chance of winning the scudetto this year after coming 5th the year before!
Faubert was a great talent at Bordeaux and his transition into the English game wasn't helped by his injuries. Saying that, a team like Madrid, in dyer need of revitalising, really should be setting their sights a bit higher than a West Ham misfit.
Where to even begin with the contradictory behaviour the FA continues to display? They recind Lampard's red card - they must have "seen" it was a mistake, and the guy never deserved to go, and they "see" Bosingwa stamp on Benayoun, but because the assistant referee "saw it too" the FA can't do anything about it. Call me stupid but doesn't that make you question the logic these dinosaurs use to run the game these days?
Hopefully Arshavin can put a bit of passion and quality back into the Arsenal side and really give us a good few months of the league to look forward too!
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Correction:
to, not too.
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Good blog as usual Mr. Charles. Bottoms up in Milan!
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Good read as ever CC.
I think the AC players are staying strictly AC as the allusion maybe to 'lucky golden orbs' but a touch there would be 'DC'.
(I know.... but some of your puns....)
I know its hard to include all the good stuff in the week but I would have enjoyed your take on Tony Mowbray being the Invisible Man where Prem refs are concerned, and their pallying up to the established players.
If Arsene had said this the 'senior' bloggers would have a field day, but it was probably one of the seasons truer observations and highlighted again that the'smaller' clubs don't get their fair share of blogtime.
For me Mr Mowbray summed up the 'institutionalised bias perfectly. As even the MOTD mob admit its part of the game.
I'm off to see the mighty Blues finish off the El Loco and his lads (ref permitting)
Keep them comin Chris.
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17. At 4:09pm on 04 Feb 2009, gurji_123 wrote:
Insomnia - faithless (name of band)
' i can't get no sleep...' lol
if you did mean that little pun, you are a legend!
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Or perhaps, Insomnia the medical condition which stops people from sleeping. I think that was the pun rather than a reference to a 90's dance track
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God, do you deliberately dumb this stuff down because its for football fans?
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37. Liverpole: Ah, the first proper slating of the day! Granted, it's hardly Kafka, but the idea is to make it a reasonably entertaining, tongue-in-cheek review of the week's events. I've got a slight hunch that's not quite how you see it! Always up for a bit of constructive criticism and as I've said on numerous occasions, one man's meat etc.
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Great blog, Chris. But ain't you watching the FA Cup replays?
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39. Malicious_Whistle: I'm actually at home now, but sadly logging in while keeping one eye on Liverpool-Everton and using the back button to flick over to the cricket. Who said men can't multi-task? Pietersen just got himself out in the 90s. Darnit.
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You should go and see From the Jam talk about nostalgia.
The Arsenal game was cancelled because the southern softies didn't think to clear the snow-they cannot cope over 2 or 3 ins. I try to keep my name of this as I live in the South and come from the North
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41. dhenry: Ah nostalgia, not what it used to be. Just had a listen to Going Underground on the 'From The Jam' MySpace page and it's actually pretty good. Was a bit sceptical about seeing the old boys without the main man but may yet give it a go. Not as bad as The Lurkers who supported The Buzzcocks - one original member and it wasn't even the singer!
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Why was my post removed?
Heres the new "censored" version.
"Am i the only one who thinks that Harry Redknapp isnt a very nice man?"
"He mocked Benitez for suggesting that he might try and sign Keane and then what happened 2 days later?"
"The handling of the Defoe transfer was questionable and his comments regarding that he could go back and take whoever he wanted were a little...am i allowed to say arrogant? Unsportsmanlike?"
"Despite these incidents which occur frequently, the media still think of Harry as a 'man of the people', a bit of a loveable rogue, and always see the 'funny side.' The only thing i found funny about his conduct during the last month was when Harry Redknapp tried to unsettle Kenwyn Jones, twice, and then Jones signed a new deal with Sunderland."
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Chris! I want your job! It must be brilliant being able to chat about football and make football puns and be paid for it. Seriously, you are my benchmark now as an aspiring young writer. Was Craig Bellamy supposed to look like a cricketer in the photo? 31 made me laugh. The butterfly remark was such a cliche. And what is with the constant need for puns (you too, Chris. You too.) ?
Back to reading Devil in a blue Dress and Football Manager then!
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"... a quick look at the fixture list revealed Swansea, Cardiff, Millwall and Leeds had all been due in town on Tuesday night - and all four games were swiftly postponed."
Hate to mention this, but aren't Millwall already 'in town', being they're a London club like, say, Arsenal and QPR?
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44. jbricandy: Sadly I don't do that every day but I'm not complaining! My old boss (we're going back to the late 80s/early 90s here) used to say being a journalist was "better than working for a living" but that's probably because his hey-day was when three-hour pub lunches were the norm. Now it's a bag of crisps at your desk if you're lucky.
As for the puns - last week someone moaned there were not enough and the week before someone said there were too many. You just can't win!
45. MadWelsh: Yes, apologies - lazy writing on my part. I did consider wording it differently but figured everyone would know what I meant.
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@25 - you keep us entertained with more good blogs then maybe, just maybe.. ;)
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back to post no.27, how does the RodentHansen know all the information contrary to those reported in the press? How does someone insulting a journalist manage to spell paid 'payed'?
The Rodent also goes onto to say "With the debt at liverpool and the lack of cover for Torres, do you really think Liverpool would have done this?" errr yes it does it appear that is exactly what they have done. oh dear.
What I think needs greater investigation than the Keane transfer, is the hospital records following Rafa's kidney stones removal. It does appear that they have taken something else as well. Like a sense of perspective.
Well done David Moyes and Everton last night. As Gerrard departed, and Torres took a knock, you could sense that really Liverpool should be concentrating on a top 4 finish and Champions League qualification, because they really are not that good!
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I think you'll find your Geordie friend would have arrived back at King's Cross and not St Pancras, which doesn't serve the Newcastle line.
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I see when foreign players lash out i.e. bosingwa the press has a field day but when the likes of Wayne Rooney lash out which happens so often nothing is ever mentioned .In December I saw Wayne Rooney elbow Abdoulaye Faye he did not even get a yellow card or any of you guys mentioning his bad behaviour and when rafa or wenger mention these double standards they are deemed to be managers under pressure
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i think that as far as the Charles Nzogbia situation is concerned , i have to say that this boy is pathetic. In my opinion this biy has never really been anything special, i mean he has scored some fantastic goals, but i mean , even the likes of Pedro Mendes on their day did score few blinders , but tye fact that he was not bought by any of the teams that his agent claimed were interested further cements my point, i mean apart from the fact that he is nothing special on the football field ,the fact that his attitude stinks and of all teams jumped at the opprtunity to play for Wigan just makes me right, this boy is not a good player, has an attitude that stinks and is not marketable, never good enough for newcastle and would be perfect for wigan with all the other misfits Mido, Cattermole etc, thus i agree with Joe Kinnear calling him insomnia becaus everything about him makes one lose sleep.
a tragedy in football
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Is Chris on holidays ?
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chris what has happened to 'quotes of the week'? i always found them refreshingly amusing..
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Are you still there Chris? Or has this become a review of the month feature?
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53, 54, 55: Hi guys - sorry for the lack of output from me recently. Sadly my Dad passed away a couple of weeks ago and I only returned to work yesterday (Monday). My absence coincided with a few people taking leave and so there was no-one to cover for me.
Quotes of the Week will be returning on Wednesday and the review possibly this week, if not next.
Cheers,
Chris
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My condolence's Chris on your loss.
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My condolences Chris. I only wish I could somehow brighten up your week like like you've been doing for us for so long.
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