Review of the week
In the week America swore in a president with the initials B.O, Manchester City had a stinker.
The Kaka transfer saga experienced more twists and turns than Bez on a roller-coaster, before the Brazilian finally resisted the temptation to line up alongside Craig Bellamy for a relegation dog-fight.
Kaka insisted he spent less than 30 seconds pondering the decision - presumably the time it took him to realise he was never going to fit 'I belong to Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan' on his new vest.
David Beckham had earlier given some sound advice to his new Milan team-mate. The former England captain declared: "It's not always about money. It's about playing for the best team, playing with the best players in the world and winning trophies and being successful."
That'd be the same David Beckham who left La Liga winners Real Madrid and snubbed a host of top European clubs to sign a five-year, £128m deal with that well-known footballing giant LA Galaxy, then.
Meanwhile, in the week that rumours of Ronnie Biggs' imminent release resurfaced, City striker Robinho did a bunk to Brazil from the club's training camp. Fans will be hoping it takes him less time to return to these shores than the Great Train Robber.
Another player who won't be coming to Eastlands is Masal Bugduv, the 'Moldovan international' who made No 30 in The Times' list of the world's hottest young players. The paper said of the 'starlet': "Moldova's finest, the 16-year-old attacker has been strongly linked with a move to Arsenal, work permit permitting. And he's been linked with plenty of other top clubs as well."
Turns out the paper was a victim of an elaborate internet hoax and the name of the non-existent player was apparently based on an old Irish children's story called M'asal beag dubh by Padraig O Conaire, which translates as 'My Little Black Donkey' and, according to those in the know, 'works as a brilliant satire of the culture of football transfers'.
It seems Jose Mourinho was also the victim of a misunderstanding, following puzzling reports that he was preparing a bid for Tottenham's Jermaine Jenas. The Inter manager explained: "Last July the Daily Telegraph started their fantasy football league and paid me to take part.
Mourinho, current rank 112,013, added: "In my squad I put Jenas and others. Six months later the market reopens and it comes out I like these players. I like them, otherwise I wouldn't have put them in my squad, but that's a transfer market without rules."
In other words, Alan Hutton and Mark Noble can put down their Italian phrasebooks for the time being.
Jenas is currently out of favour with Spurs boss Harry Redknapp and it's a fair bet he'll have Darren Bent for company in the reserves quicker than you can say 'barn door banjo'.
Redknapp was positively seething after seeing the striker miss a sitter against Portsmouth, boosting Bent's fragile confidence by stating: "My missus could have scored that."
The former Charlton striker was on for Roman Pavyluchenko, who went off injured in the first half. Before the match it was revealed Redknapp had to go through an interpreter to explain to the Russian how to pick up Jermain Defoe's runs. Next week he'll be working on the phrase how not to pick up a knock on the ankle.
Staying with the wrong end of the Premier League and an outbreak of handbags between Joe Kinnear and Phil Brown during the Newcastle-Hull Cup replay saw both men banished to the stands, presumably to write out 1,000 lines saying 'I must act my age, not my shoe size'.
Before the 3-0 defeat at Blackburn, JFK revealed he had been offered "a very lucrative contract" to keep him at the club. Newcastle fans celebrated the news by chanting 'One Kevin Keegan' and 'Joe Kinnear - you're having a laugh'.
Last week's review was dominated by football folk and their vehicle mishaps, not least Cristiano Ronaldo's well-documented prang. The Manchester United star had another bit of car trouble when he received a parking ticket after deciding to leave his Bentley parked at a bus stop when he went for a spot of lunch with his family.
The traffic warden refused to confirm there was a sticker in the back window bearing the slogan 'My other car was a Ferarri'.
And finally, back to the story that has dominated the back pages all week. Has anyone seen that name-change advert where Bruce Willis asks: "Would Walter Willis have got to play the lead role in Diehard?" The Sun certainly wouldn't have got to use their 'Stabbed In The Kak' headline on Tuesday if Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite's little brother hadn't been able to pronounce his first name properly.
And the Shooting Stars fan who texted into Nicky Campbell's 5Live show would not have been able to make this genius observation: "Wouldn't it be great if Ulrika and Kaka got married?"
OTHER STUFF
I am a journalist with BBC Sport, dealing with the more offbeat stories doing the rounds. I am a QPR fan - and also quite fond of football. If our new-found wealth brings success I'll be happy to tell anyone exactly where I was when we were sh... rubbish - row J seat 139. 
© MMX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~28~RS~)
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Good Stuff as usual Chris,
more good tongue in cheek fun!
keep it up!
although
"As America swore in a president with the initials B.O, Manchester City had a stinker."
- time to get ur coat son?! hahahaha
nah only joking im a fan of the bad taste obvious joke myself?! it still made me smirk?! haha
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Ulrika and Kaka? Ha ha ha!!! I would love to see that happen!
Good blog as usual, Chris.
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1. Samwell2804: I've already got my coat on but think I'll need hat, scarf, gloves, the Jewson lot for that one.
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hi, im a newcastle supporter and i'm appalled by whats happening. it sounds silly but i'm starting to think mike ashl;ey is trying to ruin the club. i wasnt surprised when keegan went but joe kinnear????? terrible manager, terrible haircut. i think the last straw will be if given goes, if he does i think we will be in real trouble. i feel better now! good blog as always
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"the Brazilian finally resisted the temptation to line up alongside Craig Bellamy for a relegation dog-fight."
Classic. Also loved the comment about Beckham. You also forced me to go off and read up on "My Little Black Donkey".
Great summary and funny too. You can take your coat off for now... :-)
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First time I gave this review of the week a chance..
I read the first line and didn't want to know
Utter drivel...
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"As America swore in a President with the initials B.O., Manchester"
You were put off by that? Do you have BO or something and it touched a nerve?
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Maybe the initials B.O. reminded him of Bill Oddie? That would make me switch off!
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BO makes me think of ' Beatiful Orifice' mmmmm
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6. Aw cummon Middleandoff - gimme another chance. I'll buy you a pint and promise never to mention body odour again.
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usual good stuff chris. although the first line was a stinker, it wasn't as bad as one I got sent recently - so anything you throw up can't make me turn my nose up! great quote from old becks. Though I'm unsure if it beats Rio pledging his support of anti-knife crime pushes in the same year as producing a new gang movie....
as for that joke? I've been dared to put it up, so I have to now. Sorry everyone....
A man goes to see his Doctor and says: 'Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom.'
The Doctors takes a look and replies: 'That's only the tip of the iceberg.'
again, sorry!
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sorry - anti knife-crime. definitely not anti-knife crime lol
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couldn't believe the Sun got away with 'stabbed in the Kak', conjured up some very disturbing images!
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Keep Them rollin Chris, its good to have a laugh. Joe Kinnear is a journo's dream, and he is not doin too badly either. But they are an amazin breed managers - Joe has gone from being grateful for the chance..... to blaming others for the mess......... to claiming a lucrative contract offer....... to saying he may not want the job anyway cos it has to be on his terms.......as well as setting a new Premiership swearing record that may never be beaten.....all in the space of eight weeks.....Class! I hope he keeps them up.
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'the Brazilian finally resisted the temptation to line up alongside Craig Bellamy for a relegation dog-fight'.
Aptly put Chris. The exceptionally caustic comment perhaps relieves your otherwise mostly abstruse drivel. May be Kaka was intimidated by the prospect of Bellamy scoring just as many goals as him at ten times cheaper. Who'd then believe if the move made any 'business or footballing' sense, with the club auditors demanding how one goal is ten times better than the other.
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Nice blog, although in defence (sort of) of Becks. I don't think it was money that lured them to LA Galaxy. I think it was the glamour of instantly joining the hollywood elite, he now moves amongst people much prettier than alex ferguson
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Kaka was probably wondering at what point of the season he'd have to fight Bellemy.
I'd back Kaka by "Tap out"!
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nice blog chris
mourinho classic as usual, i can just imagine him picking and choosing players for his fantasy side presumably a goalkeeper, one defender, eight midfielders and a striker in true chosen one form.
as for my little black donkey, the whole thing really does prove the outrageousness of the modern game in many ways. great to banter about, but completely ridiculous at the same time, and often not really a actual sport.
also, is kinnear really the worst manager in the premier league?
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Nice one Chris love it. I reckon Joe Kinnear will bring Newcastle to greater things with or without a little ass in control at the top!
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Chris,
Whilst on the whole a pleasant and entertaining read, I must pull you up on your assertions about Beckham.
Hardly the same circumstances!
Becks was near the end of his career, in truth. He saw going to LA Galaxy as much as a challenge (albeit for different reasons) as taking an offer from any "top European clubs".
He had worked for arguably the best two teams in football history and any move was going to be a demotion of sorts.
At the same time, he must have thought; 'yes, I could handle an easier time, a bit of glam and a few extra 'Bucks' in my 'sky-rocket'... Win me a few points with the wife too'; I mean, who wouldn't?!
He was not playing regularly enough for his liking anyway at Real any more.
All-in-all, I think your comment is unjustified and barely comparable to the Kaka situation, where he has plenty left to do to fulfill his footballing ambitions.
Becks, to me, is the consummate professional and enjoys a new challenge, however 'left-field' they may be.
Still, nice blog!
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Ha, Brilliant stuff Chris, realy enjoyed this one.
Been another busy week hasnt it.
Why dosent the Man City owner just like, flat out purchase a top club such as Barca or AC, and then just transfer the players over to Man City?? Might even work out cheaper in the long run.. but i dont know the rules on this.
Oh and that Ulrika-kaka thing, and the 'My other car was a Ferarri', absolute quality. I enjoyed a thoroughly good chuckle reading this, thanks for the updates
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Very funny Blog Chris
Your right about the Kinear/Brown incident, the whole thing was just plain embarassing. Newcastle look like relegation certainties for me, they arent beating any of the teams around them even at home, newcastle have never been any good away from home, their best players are been linked with moves away from the club and the players are fighting amongst themselves......
I think the home derby games against the Unwashed (sland) and the smoggies will be crucial.
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nice one chris - maybe you could comment on the qpr results...or not!
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Ulrika Kaka!! Brilliant! Great as usual mate, nice one!
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The thing I find funniest about the whole Mourinho/fantasy football story is that he's not doing that well.
Gives hope to us all.
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