Review of the week
Never mind the Borats, there was only one story that really caught the eye last week - the news that Morrissey is a Millwall fan.
The sardonic genius/grumpy old git (delete where applicable) has been swanning around LA in a Lions top bearing the legend 'Mobster' - and the famous quiff could be putting in an appearance at the New Den this Saturday when Millwall take on those other shrinking violets, Leeds.
At first glance the lentil-munching, Thatcher-hating, gladioli-wearing pop star and the club whose anthem is "No-one likes us, we don't care" make for strange bedfellows. But then this is the fella who penned tracks called Sweet and Tender Hooligan and that popular ode to Dennis Wise, Bigmouth Strikes Again.
In another startling revelation, Millwall number two Joe Gallen revealed: "Me and Morrissey have been best mates for years and he's always emailing me to see what's going on at the club. He's obsessed with Millwall and its culture." Extraordinary.
Gallen added: "He kept badgering me to ask if he could play 10 minutes in our pre-season friendly against Shelbourne but we couldn't do it. He hasn't been to see a game at the Den yet but he says he is going to try and get over for the Leeds match."
A quick glance at the Millwall messageboards suggested it might take a while for the natives to adopt Mozza as one of their own, with many pointing out that he had previously been photographed in a West Ham shirt, while Ringo the Lion moaned: "We'll have 'Meat is Murder' on our shirts by the end of the season." Fans of Millwall's deadly rivals Crystal Palace were also quick to put the boot in, with one punter observing "No wonder he's such a miserable sod."
I once had a celebrity slash next to Morrissey in Camden's Good Mixer pub, where he was being interviewed by a music journalist. Having got wind that the reporter was stitching him up, I thought it my duty to inform the great man. He fixed me with a look of disdain and snorted: "In your dreams". It's a moment I'll treasure forever.
Anyway, I digress. It was a busy week of international football, with mixed fortunes for the home nations. Wales skipper Craig Bellamy was moaning about the pitch, the stadium, the crowd and pretty much everything else - and that was after his side had WON. The Liechtenstein game was the injury-prone striker's first start for more than a year, with Bellamy revealing he had prepared for it by sleeping in an attitude tent. Sorry, altitude.
England fans were singing the boos after Ashley Cole's blunder at Wembley - of course it had nothing to do with the error itself, more the greedy revelations in his worst-selling autobiography and the alleged dalliance with that hairdresser (shame she didn't stick around to sort out Rooney's barnet).
But the schoolboy error did at least mean the Sunday Mirror got to use their headline: 'Cole Make Huge Mistake For The Glorious Benefit Of Kazakhstan!'
England coach Fabio Capello was quick to defend Cole but didn't help his cause by referring to the Chelsea defender as 'Ashley Young' - twice.
Before the match, crocked skipper John Terry ordered the younger members of the team "to play their normal game like they are back in the playground." For the first half it seemed as though everyone had taken him at his word and I half expected the second period to get under way with rush-goalies and jumpers for goalposts.
Talking of which, referee Scott Mathieson was faced with an unusual problem ahead of the Rotherham-Leeds Johnstone's Paint Trophy tie after discovering the posts had sunk into the ground. Mathieson duly got his tape measure out and the groundstaff were forced to prop them up using blocks of wood.
Rotherham eventually ran out out 4-2 winners and Leeds boss Gary McCallister somehow resisted the urge to say: "We're going to have to raise the bar if we want to beat Brighton on Saturday."
A raft of new nicknames entered football's hall of fame to sit alongside the likes of 'One Size' (Fitz Hall) and 'Chris' (Musampa). It was revealed Arsenal skipper William Gallas was once called Pierre Richard - the French equivalent of Mr Bean - in his apprentice days at Caen, while Morrissey's new favourite team have dubbed their latest signing Gifton Noel-Edmonds.
Meanwhile, Jamie Carragher claimed in his newly-released autobiography that another well-known player was now referred to as 'Mr T' - the A-Team character who was scared of flying - after screaming like a baby during a turbulent flight back from the 2006 World Cup.
"There was someone screeching in terror towards the back of the plane," revealed Carragher. "Even my two-year-old had never made such a noise.'Whose child is that?' I asked (my wife) Nicola. When I looked myself, I noticed it wasn't an infant. Head in his hand, ducked into the saftey position, was an inconsolable England and Manchester United superstar. It was Wayne Rooney."
During an interview about his book in The Sunday Times, Carragher was asked about a rumour going around that he'd had elocution lessons. The player quickly replied: "Elocution? @!*$ off." That's answered that, then.
One thing Carra can't deny is the launch of a new Liverpool aftershave called (wait for it) 'L4Men'. One fan said: "If the aftershave gets you girls like Alex Curran, I'll be buying a bottle." Yep, that's sold it to me. Presumably the Reds will now be known as the 'Old Spice Boys' and the words of their famous chant changed to 'You'll Never Walk-Cologne'. I'll get me coat.
Finally, it would be churlish to toddle off without mentioning Chris Iwelumo's miss of the century for Scotland (sorry, Dad). For reasons beyond my control I'm not able to link directly to it, but suffice to say if you enter the words Iwelumo, Scotland and Norway into a well-known video site, you will witness the biggest howler since Rooney set foot on that plane.
I am a journalist with BBC Sport, dealing with the more offbeat stories doing the rounds. I am a QPR fan - and also quite fond of football. If our new-found wealth brings success I'll be happy to tell anyone exactly where I was when we were sh... rubbish - row J seat 139.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~35~RS~)
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er...yeah
Where's Scotland?
weren't you the guy that moaned:
"why arent england at euro 2008?" when quite clearly scotland deserved to be there more?
its not your fault that ashley cole, jamie carragher and morrisey were the main headline makers - the most boring people in vbritain.
add james blunt and you have a jeremy clarksons guide to modern britain
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ah
sorry chris, i rad the reviwe before the iwelumo part was added
I'll have to apologise most hmbly - entirely my fault
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Quality Chris, just quality stuff! I actually read that thinking it was Robbo's blog, only at the end when I scrolled to the top I realised it wasn't!
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Just one thing mate, its West ham rather than palace who are millwall's fierce rivals. Palace however are 2nd in our rather long list of hate.
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Nev_For_Pres - my old man's Scottish - hence the apology for reminding him about Chris the Miss.
Well actually, he was born in London to Scottish parents. The plan was to get up to Glasgow and have the baby there but unfortunately he came along early and was christened 'The Wee Sassenach' by my Grandad. Anyway, too much information etc...
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Telhurlockshair: Ha ha - sorry have difficulty keeping up!
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Old Spice Boys and You'll Never Walk Cologne - gold.
Very entertaining
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I reckon it's being a rich premiership footballer that'll get you girls like that.
Don't want to sound stupid but, "'Chris' (Musampa)" I don't get it.
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Christmas Hamper
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Boonting - Christmas hamper!
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Beat me to it, united_dreamer - what's your nickname...Quick Draw McGraw?
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Heh its only when I saw it in boontings post that the penny dropped.
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interviewer stiching up morissey? referring to Mr Tim Jonze perchance? please enlighten and expand upon...
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Is it wrong that I read this aloud impersonating Lister from Red Dwarf?
Sorry Craig - It's all I can think of when I ever I see your cheeky face!
The Christmas Hamper joke is gold - The Stockport Express once put an article in the paper about rivals City signing Kiki's younger brother Kris.
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Ahh... cheers for that I should have just read it out loud but everyone at work would probably think I was a bit weird.
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Still a quality blog Chris, one of the best ive seen on here in a while.
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DylanRex: It was a long time ago (when I was free to go out drinking on a regular basis) but as I recall it was a guy from Q magazine.
We were quite surprised as Mozza certainly looked like he'd had a few. The journalist used the public phone near where we were sitting and said something along the lines of: "He's hammered now so I think he'll say what we want him to."
Being a big Smiths fan, I felt obliged to tip the wink to Morrissey, but on reflection the loo was probably not the place to do it as I think he thought I was chatting him up!
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Hardcastle: Not the first time I've had the Craig Charles thing thrown at me (we're not related - honest)!
When he was working at the Beeb there were a couple of late-night occasions when we were in reception waiting for a cab and they called out "Taxi for Charles", so we both stood up looking at one another rather foolishly, with everyone else no doubt thinking they were seeing double.
Which reminds me, must get that unflattering profile pic of mine changed.
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L4Men?
I'd rather be scent to Coventry!
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Been reading about how many of the top clubs in the country are in debt.
Six millions pounds being mentioned in some cases.
Bournemouth, Luton, Rotherham and Leeds
immediately come to mind.
BUT - will the same action be taken against these top clubs?
Dont hold your breath. One rule for the Premiership, the rest can go to the wall!
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I always read these blogs, and NEVER comment on them, but congrats Mr. Charles, that is a work of genius. Really cheered my day up. Cheers.
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Brilliant blog, had a chuckle to myself at work, here.
And now you mention it, Chris; you do look a bit like Craig Charles!
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Glenny: Well thank you very much - and you've put a spring in my step too!
ArabEagle: Oh gawd, not you as well! Tell you what, I wouldn't mind swapping with my doppelganger for a month - a shedload of cash and as much of Betty's hot-pot as you could handle. (That's not meant to be rude by the way).
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Nice summary - a few good laughs in there. Didn't realise Rooney was the new Mr T. Does that mean Capello now slips sleeping pills into his burgers before they go out of the country?
Imagine getting stuck on a flight with Rooney and Bergkamp either side of you? lol.
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Great Blog Chris.
Just finished reading 'Carra'. It is witty and typically Scouse in humour. A great read.
Nevertheless
'One thing Carra can't deny is the launch of a new Liverpool aftershave called (wait for it) 'L4Men'. One fan said: "If the aftershave gets you girls like Alex Curran, I'll be buying a bottle." Yep, that's sold it to me. Presumably the Reds will now be known as the 'Old Spice Boys' and the words of their famous chant changed to 'You'll Never Walk-Cologne'. I'll get me coat.'
Let me help you put in on.
;-)
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Nice! Very nice! I love this blog, Robbo and the quotes but Robbo just had to insult GOD yesterday. May God show him mercy. I wld b mad at Carra except that he's previously said really nice things about the Great One-thats Sir Alex for the rest of u.
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Strikes me that if the story about Rooney and the plane is true, Carragher deserves a smack in the mouth for publicising it...
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Good Blog Chris - Well done, We like it, nice first touch, kept good control of the humour, didn't overcook the situation or go OTT. The Lad done Good! Bit worried about you following pop stars into the bog tho.
Keep this up and the'll have to move boring Mihir and Numpty over. Good craic man.
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Excumbrian
Caragher just deserves a smack in the mouth, But I agree wot a Pillock.
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As a Scot, watching Iwelumo's miss was not only one of the most horrendous things i've ever seen but almost painful too. It did occur to me however that so much is being made of the miss, deservedly so, but there are loads of misses by much more quality players that haven't grabbed this much attention! I remember one about a month ago by Anelka when Chelsea were playing at home. He's a world class player, he was only about three yards out and the ball went completely between his legs with the goalie nowhere. At least 'Chris the Miss' got a foot to the ball...
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Morrissey is not only a West Ham and Millwall fan, but he's also a regular attendee at Chivas USA home games. Plenty of pictures of him sporting the Major League Soccer side's kit as well.
Fickle!
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Great stuff!
Just what I needed to read before going to do my daily toil in the bank.
"You'll never walk Cologne".
Yes, you can get your coat, but don't forget to came and write the next one.
Cheers.
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"Been reading about how many of the top clubs in the country are in debt.
Six millions pounds being mentioned in some cases.
Bournemouth, Luton, Rotherham and Leeds
immediately come to mind.
BUT - will the same action be taken against these top clubs?
Dont hold your breath. One rule for the Premiership, the rest can go to the wall!"
there may be one rule for the big clubs, but this isn't it... there's a huge difference between being in debt and going into adminstration
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CollieSolySombra - what are you talking about?!
'One rule for the Premiership, the rest can go to the wall!'
Now, I must be mistaken. I thought Leeds were in the Premiership. I thought they were one of the top clubs in the country. Which sort of completely undermines your point...
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Fascinating connection between Morrissy and Millwall. The suede one came out with Your Arsenal a while ago and I thought he was a gooner.
But living in el Lay all these years he must be pining for the old fjords and gone all nostalgic about the bovver image of the saaf london team, though he coulda picked the Hammers ( remember Dagenham Dave?) or, dreadful thought, Palace, tho they just dont quite have the cache. Blame it on D Wise ( 2nd most popular man on Tyneside) who epitomised the Den mentality.
As a londoner in Kalifornia myself I feel his need - I still long for Highbury, the coppers' horses crap by the tube station and the unbeliveably acrid smell of hotdogs. Still as a Mancunian the uber suucess of ManUre and the nouveau riche of Man Sh*tty will not appeal to such as Morrissey - so wot's wrong with Stockport???
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The "Miss of the Century" was Terry's slip that gave Man Utd the Championship.
In fact it could probably make the top of the list of "All-time Misses"
We have seen many misses like Iwelumo's - none that I can remember in almost 70 years of fottball that match Terrry's.
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What on earth are you talking about "Charlesie"?
One of the boys are you? You are an utter buffoon.
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" once had a celebrity slash next to Morrissey in Camden's Good Mixer pub, where he was being interviewed by a music journalist."
Why was he being interviewed by a journalist in the toilet?
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we've worn it five times!
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To cally 800 (33)
'administration is a procedure under insolvency laws which function as a rescue mechanism for insolvent companies',
'insolvent' sounds the same as 'debt' to me.
To The_third_Ronaldo (34)
I believe Leeds Utd were relegated from the
Premiership to the Championship at the end of the 2003/04 season. The Club was then relegated from the Championship to Division One on 28th April, 07.
The first 10 point penalty was imposed on 4th May 07, and the second 15 point penalty was imposed on 1st August 07 - so on both those occasions Leeds Utd were in Division One. I believe that is correct, but I may be wrong.
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Stopthepress: I knew it was going too well -always enjoy a good slagging though! See you for a pint next week sometime?
daveydaveydavo: The interview was taking place in the pub, my misguided attempts to alert Mozza to the danger happened in the loos.
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