Review of the week
When Joe Kinnear took up the reins at Newcastle, a messageboard wag declared: "I'd rather have Roy Kinnear in charge."
But even the much-missed comedy legend would have struggled to come up with such an astonishing, entertaining media conference as his namesake.
The former Wimbledon boss ('I'm not a Cockney, you slaaags') ripped into Her Majesty's Press with an incredible 52 expletives in five minutes - prompting cult newsletter Popbitch to entitle its latest offering 'Joe Kinnear: Genius'.
Now we all know swearing's not big, or indeed clever, but JK Scowling's old school approach seems to have awoken a few of the Newcastle players from their sorrowful slumber - and the spirit they showed to snatch a point from 2-0 down at Everton was reminiscent of the Crazy Gang themselves.
As former member Vinnie Jones put it: "Short of Peter Pan or Paul McKenna, Newcastle have the next best thing in Joe." In fact Kinnear was more Paul Daniels than McKenna - every time he did a disappearing act his team scored - now that's magic.
Over at White Hart Lane, Tottenham's worst run since 1912 - the same year the Titanic went down - provided perfect fodder for the headline writers, with 'sinking', 'battle' and 'struggle' just three of the words used to accompany the name of the famous ship.
If you believe the Red Tops, Juande Ramos is a dead man walking - with El Tel the latest name in the frame. What Daniel Levy could really do with is someone to get the best out of his strikers - where's Arthur Scargill when you need him?
North London experienced its second successive weekend from Hull after Spurs succumbed to another Geovanni wonder-strike. At the Emirates, the travelling Tigers support amused themselves by singing: "Are you Tottenham in disguise?" On Sunday they presumably reversed the chant.
At the top of the Premier League, Chelsea and Liverpool continued to slug it out. The Blues turned in a mesmerising display against Aston Villa after returning from their midweek trip to Transylvania, where they offended the locals by bringing their own food-taster along (apparently they didn't like the look of the stakes).
Liverpool, meanwhile, edged a five-goal thriller at Eastlands, with the winner coming from Dirk Kuyt. According to the aforementioned Popbitch, the Dutchman was air-guitar champion four years running in his homeland, although after the striker's under-par performances last season, everyone expected Rafa Benitez to be the one wielding the axe.
Two headlines caught the eye this week. The first, in The Sun, was 'Up For The Cup'. Did it refer to a) Arsenal's demolition of Porto; b) Man Utd's triumph over Aalborg; or c) the startling news that women's breasts are getting bigger? You decide.
The second, on the back page of the News of the World, declared: 'Fergie bans Christmas'. Impressive, even by his own fearsome standards.
Closer inspection revealed he was in fact pulling the plug on the annual players' knees-up, which has not been the best PR exercise for the club in recent years - replacing it with an official dinner in which wives and girlfriends will be expected to attend to keep their men in check.
Incidentally, while the football ladies are happy to be known as WAGS, you wouldn't be best pleased if you were the Swimmers' Lovers And Girlfriends, would you?
Barnsley made history by fielding the League's youngest player when the magnificently-named Reuben Noble-Lazarus made his debut at Ipswich aged 15 years and 45 days. The boy wonder returned to lessons the following day after doing his homework on the team bus and was rewarded by being dropped from the school team and receiving a backhander.
Headmaster Paul Gittins said: "It is too much of a risk for him to carry on playing for us. An opposing player may want to have a go at him." He added: "I spotted Reuben wandering very slowly down the corridor, so I gave him a playful clip around the ear to speed him up a bit. Mind you, he had a good reason for not moving as quickly as normal because he didn't get home from Portman Road until 4am."
Nice tale but the story of the week unquestionably concerned Steve Coppell's 'affair' with cooking Goddess Nigella Lawson. The thinking man's crumpet revealed in a magazine interview that hubby Charles Saatchi had a dream in which she had a fling with the Reading boss.
Coppell endured a week of ribbing from his players but was not best pleased with the magazine's description of him as a 'balding gnome' - although a third win on the spin for the Royals was undoubtedly good for his elf.
I am a journalist with BBC Sport, dealing with the more offbeat stories doing the rounds. I am a QPR fan - and also quite fond of football. If our new-found wealth brings success I'll be happy to tell anyone exactly where I was when we were sh... rubbish - row J seat 139.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~18~RS~)
Comments
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Good article again, well done!
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Very funny, very silly article. Thanks!
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Quite funny, nothing wrong with a few cheesy jokes, but the Cluj/Stake joke was particularly cringworthy.......
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Was all that Crazy Gang nonsense still going when Joe Kinnear was Wimbledon manager? I thought that was Bobby Gould's thing back when they won the FA Cup with Wise and Jones. Kinnear came later on didnt he?
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Great blog Chris
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I enjoyed reading, thanks.
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the crazy gang malarkey all stopped when egil olsen became their gaffer!
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top drawer
one request
MORE
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Thanks for the comments thus far - mostly positive...which is nice, if not a little unexpected.
LawBestCharlton: Yes, difficult to know just how far you can push it sometimes - although to be fair it's all meant to be taken with a pinch of salt.
Moyseyside: Wimbledon were still known as the Crazy Gang under Kinnear, who joined in '92. One of his first acts was to bring Vinnie Jones back and reunite him with Fash the Bash, plus a few of the others, and while not quite recreating the spirit that defeated the 'Culture Club' in the 1988 Cup final, they were definitely still pretty mad.
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Re my last comment (No 9) - I wrote 'If not a little unexpected' - I actually meant to put 'if a little unexpected'. What a difference a word can make - I'm not really a pompous twerp (honest).
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Cheers Chris
Lucky for Newcastle Kinnear wont be allowed to bring in any players eh?
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Chris
could you let me know why Im not able to post on Robbo Robson's blog?
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Steve Coppell cannot complain if he is described as bald, because it's true. I thought the 'gnome' bit was unkind, until I thought about it. Whilst Steve is no Paul Daniels, the ageing process is making him look a bit gnome-like. He's never been a cheerful kind of guy, so all that frowning has come home to roost. Great blog - Chers.
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Hello again Moyesyside. No idea why you can't post on Robbo blog. Will investigate. Cheers, Chris.
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Nice summary of the weeks' events. I hadn't heard the Steve Coppell story! Although he's less of a gnome and more like the guy Benny Hill used to repeatedly slap on the head.
I think the weeks' events are a great summary of how the tabloids actively stir up trouble.
I felt sorry for JK after his rant, clearly the tabloids were out to make his job impossible and undermine any kind of confidence he had. He felt the need to strike back. Good on him. As JK said, they don't "have the balls" to be a football manager. It's an easy task to sit aloof and stir up trouble.
Fergy canceling Christmas? Oh wait, he's not. He is in fact trying to establish some kind of respectable standards of behaviour by his players during their club-funded Christmas outing by changing the type of event. This is obviously due to the "Jonny Evans" incident last Christmas.
I hate manu, irrational I know, but it's good to see Fergy taking steps to protect the name of his club, even though the behaviour seen last Christmas seems to be what you expect from society these days.
It's a pity people still buy tabloids. Me? I prefer Viz. It has more credibility. :-)
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Provided a much welcome laugh. Well done that man. Swimmers Lovers And Girlfriends......classic!
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I always wondered by footballers wives or girlfriends were called wAgs?
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Actually, Newcastle should have got Paul McKenna. Seriously.
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Happy for Kinnear. Sometimes swear do what real English Can't do. Fully agree with Comment 15, the tabloids trying to undermine him, no one really likes the mess Newcastle are in and if it takes 51 swear words to get em out of it good luck to him.
And who knows this appointment might be the best thing Ashley did for the club, not that its difficult
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Happy for Kinnear. Sometimes swear words do what real English Can't. Fully agree with Comment 15, the tabloids trying to undermine him, no one really likes the mess Newcastle are in and if it takes 51 swear words to get em out of it good luck to him.
And who knows this appointment might be the best thing Ashley did for the club, not that its difficult, much better than the Keagan one.
Good blog!
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I've just had a great idea for a new show I'm going to pitch to the BBC. It's called "Celebrity Swear-offs".
I just need to get Joe Kinnear and Gorden Ramsey to sign up for the pilot! :-)
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great article. shame i wasnt invited to United's bash last christmas, tons of fit babes there from what i heard
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Feel a bit sorry for kinnear, he's merely stated what alot of us think about journalists - particularly ones from the sun.
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Has Robbo Robson got a new name? Going for the World Record for puns and plays on word in a blog?
Nice read though!
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Re: post 10 - doesn't "if a little unexpected" mean the same as "if not a little unexpected"?
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The "not" makes a bit of difference in the meaning.
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What difference?
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Re my last comment (No 9) - I wrote 'If not a little unexpected' - I actually meant to put 'if a little unexpected'. What a difference a word can make - I'm not really a pompous twerp (honest).
'I'm not really a pompous twerp'
You've done it again! Some people never learn from their mistakes.
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