Review of the week

The boxer, who said his face once "came up like the Elephant Man" after taking his son riding, needed treatment from paramedics before administering his own cure - anti-histamines with a Guniness chaser. Don't try that at home, kids.

Hatton is already preparing for life outside the ring and has been touring around the country with his stand-up show - a mixture of gags and boxing tales. Apparently it has been a roaring success, but then who's going to be daft enough to heckle?

Robbie Fowler is another one with an equine aversion - not ideal when you're trying to make your name as a horse owner.

Fowler was the subject of the strangest 'transfer' of the week when he linked up with his old mucker Paul Ince at Blackburn. All Incey needs to do is create a role for Steve McManaman, invest in some tasteful white suits and the Spice Boys reunion is on.

Fowler is on a two-week trial at Ewood Park and most football fans - apart from those who live in Cardiff - would love to see Old Spice having one last hurrah in the top flight, if only to hear the chant "We all live in a Robbie Fowler house" ringing around the terraces again.

Talking of reunions, Peter Crouch linked up with Harry Redknapp for the third time in his career and admitted: "I'm not going to stand here and lie about Portsmouth's chances of breaking into the top four."

In this age of Blatters and Ronaldos, it's refreshing to have someone like Crouchy around - a man so honest that when asked by Soccer AM what he'd have been if hadn't made it as a footballer, he replied: "A virgin."

Man Utd attempted to put their troubled summer behind them with a friendly at Aberdeen. Predictably there was a no-show from the injured Ronaldo - although if I hadn't seen pictures of the troubled 'slave' in Portugal the same day, I'd have sworn Wayne Rooney had eaten him.

The striker was clearly out of shape but still managed to disprove the Aberdeen faithful's assertions that he could only "score in a care home" by heading in a beauty and winning a penalty in United's 2-0 win.

As for the cricket, if ever there was a game of two halves, England-South Africa was it. After initially looking forward to watching the boys wrap up the first Test on Sunday, I quickly got bored with the war of attrition and suddenly found myself glued to a repeat of Diagnosis Murder - one of those programmes you know is wrong but still feel compelled to see through to its conclusion.

Even the most ardent purist, yearning for the times when Boycott and Tavare brought three days' worth of sandwiches to the crease, had to admit this was a day when even the Wide Awake Club would have been in trouble.

It is to be hoped that Test cricket and Twenty20 can make for happy bedfellows. But if Sir Allen Stanford caught any of the 'action' on Sunday and Monday, he'd have been chuckling into his chequebook.

And finally, since taking over as Chelsea manager, Big Phil Scolari has apparently fallen in love with the beautiful game....darts.

According to The Sun, the Brazilian has taken to the arrows like a duck to water after discovering his new team were huge fans - and has already earned the nickname 'Phil The Power' for his prowess on the oche.

The only players better than their boss are those crafty Cockneys Joe Cole and John Terry, who after last season are only too familiar with the old Bullseye classic..."Here's what you could have won."

STUFF WORTH WATCHING
Drunk Belarusian ref staggers around pitch
Air hostesses dance for Spain's Euro 2008 winners
Peter Crouch robot dance