Fun With Press Releases No. 22
Bat For Lashes - 'Two Suns'
"The album's blend of spooky childhood reveries and magical piano balladry caught the imagination of everyone, and not just in the music world..."
Do you remember being at school and having to write a story? That's what this is like.
Hello I am Bat For Lashes and I have got a very brilliant album, actually. Everybody says so. Not just music people either. I mean like vicars, doctors, garage mechanics, bus drivers...everyone. And they all say how pretty I am, and popular and funny and kind and lovely. The End.
Metro Station - 'Shake It'
"Their Bebo page has 16k page views and 5.7k fans, which is a healthy figure considering the band are yet to hit the UK..."
And that's going to do what to to their Bebo stats? I mean, you can get the internet in other countries too, right?
Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - 'Beware'
"Breaking through the dirt and shooting upward into our atmosphere is a new variety of exotic Bonnie 'Prince' Billy plant. Stronger. Stinkier. It blooms in low light and cold but thrives in the sun as well, showing enticing spots and eating small creatures as they wander into its jaws. They had it coming, they were weak...and you're next! Beware."
I never ever want to hear this record without the appropriate safety equipment, and fragrant towels for cleaning up the mess afterwards.
Anthoney Wright - 'No Me Without You'
"His writing is often inspired by his ability to open up conversations with complete strangers..."
Songs include: 'Leave Me Alone', 'Back Off Weirdo', and 'I Am TRYING To Read MY BOOK, MATE!'
Dieter Schöön - 'Lablaza'
"Dieter Schöön is a music fan's friend and a music journalist's foe."
What if you're a music fan who writes about it for a living? What then? Chinese burn? Wedgie? I need to be ready, dammit!
Rudenko - 'Everybody'
"A future star with the weight of the underground behind him..."
Sorry, where's this weight again? Underground AND behind him? Is that good? Will it help?
Ruarri Joseph - 'Hope For Grey Trousers'
"Ruarri's debut was extremely well-received, with plaudits from his musical peers as well as from the British media, which gave him the leg up he needed to start writing his next album, lovingly recorded in the garden shed back home in Newquay."
Interesting use of the word 'up' there...
BM Linx - 'Black Entertainment'
"Their self-released debut album 'The Portable Genius' immediately caught fire in NYC's underground music scene..."
Don't worry though, no non-scenesters were hurt in the blaze.
Thursday - 'Common Existence'
"With each album the band has continually expanded the breadth of their music by exploring vast musical soundscapes, transcending boundaries and experimenting with new techniques and styles, all while staying true to who they are, avoiding the passing trends and disproving naysayers..."
...standing on one leg, whistling, and juggling live badgers...in a burning house, on a mountain top...in Ipswitch.
Melody Gardot - 'My One And Only Thrill'
"Amazing though it is, the story of how Melody Gardot overcame the effects of a near-fatal accident to become one of the vocal sensations of 2008 is NOT the most extraordinary thing about the 23-year-old Philadelphia singer-songwriter."
No, the most extraordinary thing about the 23-year-old Philadelphia singer-songwriter is that she was born with a tail. In her ear.