Fun With Press Releases No. 21
Jem - 'Down To Earth'
"After the release of her debut in 2005, Jem may have been heading down the Portishead or Daniel Day Lewis path of prolificacy..."
What? It's a word. It means 'the degree to which you are prolific'. This sentence is actually slightly sarcastical, if you examinate it with properment. And what this goes to emproverate is that it is perfectly possible to write with ironicacy and eloquencity if you've got the right amount of vocabulariousness.
Innerpartysystem - 'Don't Stop'
"...are bringing their unique amalgamation of Rock and Dance elements to the UK on a sophomore headline tour which will see the Pennsylvanian quartet possessing audiences up and down the country through sheer unadulterated musical excess."
Gosh, where to start...
a) 'unique' - tell that to Pendulum, and ask them to let Enter Shikari know...
b) 'sophomore' - they've only had two headlines? EVER? And this is something they wish to celebrate with a tour, is it?
c) 'possessing audiences...through...musical excess' - BOY that sounds like a busy night.
Ruarri Joseph - 'Both Sides Of The Coin'
"In his shed, he got to grips [with] his own frustrations and the strange sitations of those close to him."
Strangest of all being the front-row spectacle of Ruarri Joseph getting to grips with his own frustrations in a shed.
FrYars - 'Dark Young Hearts'
"There are more than a few moments that will drive the more forward-thinking dancefloor into a frenzy."
Now, would that be a dancefloor which can't wait for closing time, or a dancefloor which is really excited about Christmas?
Ida Maria - 'Oh My God'
"Ida Maria has very quickly singled herself out as one of the most successful female punk icons since Chrissie Hynde."
She also claims to be able to fly, walk on water and fit a whole bag of Wheat Crunchies in her mouth in one go. The Guinness Book Of Records are said to be "looking into it".
One EskimO - 'Kandi'
"One EskimO are a four-piece band whose album is uniquely backed up by a series of animations, produced by Passion Pictures, the team behind the Gorillaz."
And Gorillaz, for those of you who don't know, are a four-piece band whose album is uniquely backed up by a series of anim...oh.
Tommy Sparks - 'I'm A Rope'
"It's a banger sure to convert indie clubs everywhere into eyeliner-melting saunas."
That sounds more like a bulldozer than a banger to me.
Taylor Swift - 'Fearless'
"Taylor Swift has solidified her position as one of the most important artists to emerge on the popular music scene this decade."
What did she do, make the font bigger on the certificate?
Fever Ray - 'Fever Ray'
"'Fever Ray' swaggers, broods, intrigues and dazzles without ever making concession to the soap opera demands of modern media"
So, it's good for listening to, but if you want to record EastEnders, get Sky Plus.
WhoMadeWho- 'The Plot'
"WhoMadeWho are on a mission to eschew convention."
The question is, even if they get there, will anyone else turn up?
Daniel Merriweather - 'Love & War'
"He has a wolverine-like tenacity and possesses a sense of humour and self-awareness, articulateness and worldliness that belies his tender years."
Has there ever been a word in the English language which defeats itself quite as well as 'articulateness'? And no, 'wordytalkitude' doesn't count...
Zombination - 'Zombielicious'
"2009 marks the 10th anniversary of Zombie Nation, and what better way to celebrate than the release of 'Zombielicious', his brand new album."
A cake? Streamers?
Fredo Viola - 'The Turn'
"Fredo Viola's album...is an inspired marriage of 21st Century electronics and the oldest of musical instruments, the human voice."
'Inspired' eh? Inspired by what, everyone else who has sung over a synth since New Year's Day 2000? Including karaoke? That's a marriage with an impressive guest list...
Travis - 'Song To Self'
"The album picked up universal plaudits on its release in September"
Translation: Travis are really big on Saturn.
Fake Problems - 'It's Great To Be Alive'
"Make the same record twice, and you're chastised for being repetitive, but if you make too large of a sonic shift your fan base will desert you. Luckily Fake Problems have never had to deal with this dilemma because..."
Oh man, this is it. It's the lost secret of band-kind, the way to transcend the Difficult Second Album and maintain a healthy fan base and EVERYTHING. How exciting!
"...with each release they've not only organically reinvented their sound..."
"...they've also successfully reinvented who they are as musicians and human beings in the process."