Fun With Press Releases No. 19
Pussycat Dolls - 'Doll Domination'
"Says Nicole; '...we're really coming ferocious with the music this time out.'"
And last time out you were really coming, what, timid? Easily provoked? New to the English language?
Eugene McGuinness - 'Moscow State Circus'
"The track builds and builds throughout its fabulous four minutes, with vocals and instruments added along the way to create an intense musical climax."
Wait, the track starts without vocals or instruments? How can you tell?
Delinquent ft. KCAT - 'I Got U'
"Delinquent are back with their new single 'I Got U', featuring none other than the sexy, sultry songstress KCAT (pronounced Cat)"
She may be sexy, she may be sultry, she may even be a songstress...but I refuse to trust anyone who can't spell 'cat', that's just idiotikc.
Anastacia - 'Heavy Rotation'
"The lady with the most distinctive voice in pop music is back"
Macy Gray? At last!
The Paddingtons - 'What's The Point Of Anything News'
"When the Padds played the Summercase festival, affable drummer Grant picked the unsuspecting Johnny Borrell up, and despite protests from Borrell, wouldn't put him down til he'd run round the backstage area in front of the likes of the Dandy Warhols and Keane, and the other members of Razorlight."
The double annoyance of it all was, the Dandy Warhols and Keane weren't even playing that day. Poor Johnny Borrell...
Chairlift- 'Does You Inspire You'
"Caroline Polachek, Aaron Pfenning and Patrick Wimberley were brought together over a shared fascination with 1980's faux gothic architecture, oak-cabinet aquariums, vacant dancefloors, fake trees, crystal chandeliers and dark velveteen booths..."
These aren't the names of painfully fashionable indie bands, you understand, they really did bond over the contents of a junk shop. Can you imagine the conversations on the tour bus?
"Hey, great plastic tree, dude, where shall we put it?"
"In the velveteen booth?"
"But how will we see it in there? It's so dark..."
"Open the doors on the aquarium, Aaron, that should do it..."
Katie Melua - 'Two Bare Feet'
"Katie Melua releases 'Two Bare Feet', an up-tempo good-time pop song with catchy brass and piano licks that challenge you not to tap your feet."
Because, what, that would be unladylike? What if I WANT to tap my feet? You're not the boss of my legs, Melua. Back off!
Benji Hughes - 'A Love Extreme'
"He loves beer but he loves women even more."
What about beer-flavoured women? Or better still, women-flavoured beer?
Optimo - 'Sleepwalk'
"Optimo's energy comes from a direct two-way conversation between the booth and the dancefloor, as well as sweat pouring from the walls and smiles from the faces, you'll inevitably encounter a degree of musical education..."
But some of the text books might be a little damp. And salty.
The Walkmen - 'The Blue Route'
"...their spooked keyboards making like a gothic ice cream van on Mars..."
Making WHAT like a gothic ice cream van on Mars? Gothic martian ice cream?
Scouting For Girls - 'I Wish I Was James Bond'
"Over the past twelve months, songwriter Roy Stride has become one of the greatest live performers in recent years."
No he hasn't. That's a lie. Let's be honest, he hasn't even become one of the greatest live performers in recent MINUTES. And I LIKE Roy Stride...
Kieran Hebden & Steve Reid - 'NYC'
"Think of a studio that's seen Missy Elliot, Miles Davis, the Roots, Chic, Steve Reich, Ron Carter and Joe Henderson record classic sides, then try to imagine a duo whose sound is so open-ended and original that it would be a surprisingly short step to connect them to any one of those names..."
No YOU think of a studio and a duo. I'm BUSY HERE...
*some time later*
So, is it the White Stripes, in Abbey Road, with the lead pipe?
And finally, the award for Best Press Release Of All Time goes to...
Enter Shikari - 'We Can Breathe In Space, They Just Don't Want Us To Escape'
"OK my friend...we both know why we're here. Another press release that you don't want to read any more than I want to write it. But we've both got our job to do, so let's grin and bear it, and once it's done we can have a nice cuppa and a digestive by way of a reward. I'll try and make this as painless and hyperbole-free as possible and hopefully we'll both emerge unscathed at the end."
Sadly it goes on a bit after this. The biscuit was nice though.