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Lyriscope - Mariah Carey's 'Touch My Body'

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Fraser McAlpine | 18:01 UK time, Thursday, 24 April 2008

LyriscopeAs charming as the video for Mariah Carey's latest song 'Touch My Body' is - you know, the one with the IT support guy and the Lazer Quest kit - the song itself raises a scientific question about what her understanding of sexy-talk actually is.

I mean some of the scenarios described within the song seem do-able, but some are downright weird, and don't sound massively pleasurable either. So what we need is some kind of report, in which each of the 'sexy' moments in the song are re-enacted, and a measurement taken as to how achieveable they actually are. A measurement using a tool like this one here - the Lyriscope.

Goggles on, Pop Boffins. Let the experiment begin!

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Lyric: "If you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous
I will hunt you down"

Trust me, if I had a secret rendezvous with Mariah Carey, my mouth probably would run. Which is nothing to brag about. No doubt the hunting bit would come from some pretty hefty dry-cleaning bills, to remove drool from her soft furnishings.

And no, that's not a euphamism.

Lyriscope Reading: 1.5

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Lyric: "I know you got that fever for me - 102
And boy I know I feel the same.
My temperature's through the roof"

It's astonishingly hard to read someone's temperature through a roof. Even if you do live at No.102 on your street and you've got velux windows. Believe me, I've tried...and it was raining. I do have a fever now, and it's Mariah's fault, so I s'pose you could say it's FOR her.

Lyriscope Reading: 4.5

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Lyric: "If there's a camera up in here then I'd best not catch this flick
on YouTube"

"I'd best not"? "I'D BEST NOT"!? Why Mariah, what a beguiling web of words you do weave with your brain. Especially when you follow a sticky word-jam like that with some tasty slang and a reference to a modern information technology phenomenon, for added down-to-earth points.

Wouldn't you love to see the work-in-progress versions of that lyric?

"If you done brung your laptop then forsooth, lead me to your sickest Facebook app, I beseech thee"

or even: "If that's a cellphone in your pocket, then I would care not for you to receive a text from a poxy skank."

Anyway, you can always set your YouTube account to 'friends only', and then she'd never catch you. Not that I've tried it or anything...er...

Lyriscope Reading: 2.6

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Lyric: "'Cause they be all up in my business"

I've made inquiries, and it seems that most of the people who work for Mariah Carey are indeed a happy bunch. Whether this is because their workload is massively enjoyable, or they were hired specifically because of their chipper disposition is unclear. But facts are facts.

Lyriscope Reading: 4.3

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Lyric: "Put me on the floor. Wrestle me around"

Hang on, where were we up til now? On a table? Standing on chairs? And what is it you'd like me to wrestle you around, exactly? The corner?

This one is too hard. Let's move on...

Lyriscope Reading: 0.2

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Lyric: "I just wanna make you feel like you never did."

Never did what? FEEL? You're offering anaesthetic as an afrodisiac? That's just weird...

Lyriscope Reading: 2.3

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Lyric: "Let me wrap my thighs all around your waist."

I've been working with this lyric for a few hours. Just me, my thighs and a life-sized mannequin with a drawing of Mariah's face on it, and there's literally no way of doing what is described in this lyric, unless Mariah's thigh-bones are made of rubber.

You can probably wrap your thighs as much as HALF around the waist, but really it's the lower leg which completes the circle. In order to get them "all around", you'd have to have to have a hinge surgically fitted halfway down your femur, and I'm not sure the scarring would be all that sexy...or the silly walk...or the creaking from the hinge joint.

Lyriscope Reading: 1.3

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Lyric: "I'll hug your body tighter than my favorite jeans"

Here's where we run into a bit of a problem, even if we leave aside the bizarre thought of trying on her clothing in order to take scientific hug measurements.

Mariah is well known for her curvy figure, right? So it's possible that some of you skinny boys might actually find her favourite jeans to be pretty roomy. And therefore the hug she's offering would actually be quite limp.

On the other hand, I'm 6ft 2 and fairly hefty. The kind of hug I would expect would be incredibly restrictive at first, and then...with a loud ripping sound...suddenly weak and draughty.

Course, if she sang "I'll hug your body tighter than YOUR favourite jeans", that would probably solve the problem.

Lyriscope Reading: 3.6

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Lyric: "I want you to caress me like a tropical breeze"

Now we're on firmer ground. All you need to do is grab a handful of sand, a few coconuts, maybe a pineapple or two, and then chuck them about the bedroom with gay abandon. Sexy, eh?

Lyriscope Reading: 4.1

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Lyric: "Imma treat you like a teddy bear"

Oh GREAT! One cuddle before bedtime and then a whole night jammed between the headboard and the wall. And I get carried around by one ear, and used as a combination of handkerchief, sponge and spittoon. I tell you, you'd have to be REALLY up in Mariah's business to enjoy that kind of treatment.

Lyriscope Reading: 1.3

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Lyric: "Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah
Oh oh oh oh yeah"

Oh no.

Lyriscope Reading: 0.001

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TOTAL LYRISCOPE READING: 3.2

Conclusion: Making sexy with Mariah Carey - or pretending to for the purposes of research - is probably like hang-gliding over a live volcano. It sounds amazingly exciting in theory, but the reality is almost certainly going to result in an eruption, then a fall, and will require a major clearup operation afterwards. And it's really hard to get magma stains out.

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Previous Lyriscope Readings

Nickelback - 'Rock Star'
Justin Timberlake - 'Lovestoned'
Kate Nash - 'Foundations'
Fergie - 'Big Girls Don't Cry'

Comments

  • Comment number 1.

    Ahh, so that's how you spend your evenings, doodling faces of pop stars onto mannequins and, ahem, 'experimenting' with them. Weirdo.

    Mind you I suppose you could theoretically wraps your thighs around someone if you were particularly good at yoga or had been a serious car accident.

    I reckon it would be quite fun trying. I'd prefer to have Brandon Flower's face on said mannequin though.

  • Comment number 2.

    You could also wrap your thighs around someone if they were particularly small. Say, the size of a Barbie doll...

 

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