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More Fun With Press Releases...

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Fraser McAlpine | 20:18 UK time, Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Press Releases

So, you know the drill by now. Press releases are the little details record company people send out whenever there's a new song, tour, album or video to promote, and they're often very, very funny. Intentionally and otherwise. Here's another batch of examples...

David Jordan
"David's gift for thinking in three dimensions means that he considers music to be only half the story." - Leaving aside the mathematical implications of that sentence, here's a quick test. Can you think about side to side? AND up and down? AND back and forth? Congratulations, you're thinking in three dimensions. We're all GENIUSES, I tell you!

"David Jordan has spent his entire life setting his own agenda." - He must've been fun in school. "No, miss, I WON'T be doing spelling today, MY agenda says it's double finger-painting. What are you gonna DO about it?"

Ali Love
"It's four minutes of feel-good fun that could even get those with two left feet running to the dancefloor" - in ever-decreasing circles, presumably..

"Jaymay would probably be happier if this biog was as short as this: 'Jaymay's a young New Yorker. She's in love with books and music and she writes eloquent, beautiful songs about the heart, her life in New York and the seasons. Her first album is 'Autumn Fallin', released on Heavenly.' That would probably do it for Jaymay. Toss the biog in the bin now, she'd say, put 'Autumn Fallin' on and listen. All you need to know is there..." - OMG are you STILL TALKING? Jaymay would NOT be pleased about this. "I am not pleased", she'd say.

"Ollie, Stephen, Jules and Dom became an overnight sensation recently..." - Was that last Tuesday? I think I missed it. I slept in.

"...when they formed on social networking site Facebook" - On the 'I HEART G4' group, presumably.

Aly & AJ
"Stand by as US pop sensations Aly & AJ slam into the music scene this autumn..." - Why should we? You think we're paramedics or something? Tell 'em to watch where they're going.

"Aly & AJ have become active in issues such as passing laws to get predators off the streets..." - They're in the GOVERNMENT? That's impressive! What predators do they mean though? Wolves? Buzzards?

"Add to this the fact that band contains a kick boxer, actress, sky diver, motor cyclist, surfer, Doctor of Oceanography and a Doctor of Artificial Intelligence, and it becomes clear that Anemo are anything but your average band..." - you're right. The average band has drummers, guitarists, singers, trumpet players etc...

Remi Nicole
"She is a direct descendent of the Mike Skinner pop vocabulary"
Translation: "Some of her lyrics don't rhyme properly."

Angels And Airwaves
Tom DeLonge"The album was recorded at Tom's Never Pants home studio and produced by Tom, himself." - All songs written by Tom. Arranged by Tom. Orchestrated by Tom. Conceived, created, developed, tweaked, marinated, tickled and performed by Tom. Based on original concepts from the brain of Tom. In Tom's house. Where Tom lives. Tomland. Tomshire. The World (Home Of Tom).

"When Hadouken! emerged last year with 'That Boy That Girl', their in-your-face indie-grime collision of sonic extremities just didn't make sense for some people." - The music, we understand...these words? Not so much...

Girls Aloud
"'Girls Aloud Style' also contains the band's music videos, with commentary from Cheryl and Sarah on all those outfits and hair styles, be they great - or a retrospective nightmare!" - I had a retrospective nightmare once. I dreamed I remembered having had a nightmare a few days beforehand. It was an oddly banal experience.

The Original - Art Of Press Releases...


  1. At 01:10 PM on 30 Oct 2007, Vanessa wrote:

    Bahaha! Oh Fraser M, you make me laugh!

  2. At 05:00 PM on 30 Oct 2007, Kimberley wrote:

    I think that the people that write those don't actually have much to say, but they disguise that by spewing lots of random words from their mouths. However, they at least give us something to laugh at.

  3. At 08:01 PM on 30 Oct 2007, Kerri wrote:

    tom, tom, tom, where did you leave your brain?! hes gone crazy i say, CRAZY! if this new album is anything like the last album, meaning all the new songs will sound like all the old songs, it isnt worth anyones time. but perhaps we should let mad old tom believe AVA are as amazing and important as he belives they are, if we actually let him know we think hes gone gaga he may have a breakdown. perhaps tomshire is the only place he does feel safe and at home?

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