Chart Report - 23/09/07
1 - Sean Kingston - 'Beautiful Girls'
OK, I get it now, Rihanna's people made everyone buy this song so that anyone who'd had enough of 'Umbrella' would think more fondly of it after twenteen weeks of old robot voice encouraging mass cliff-leaps just because some hot mama with no compassion happened to not fancy you as much as you thought she should. Frankly, ears deserve better. (FM)
2 - 50 Cent ft Justin Timberlake - 'Ayo Technology'
Is it just me, or does reading the title of this song make anyone else think of how an exciteable aunt might talk to a baby? If you had a baby sister called (for the sake of arguement) Technology, that's how your aunt would try and get her attention. Course it would never happen really. Technology is a boy's name. (FM)
3 - Plain White T's - 'Hey There Delilah'
Other hitmakers who've done well out of the name Delilah include Tom Jones and Grapefruit. Put all three artist names together, and you've got yourself an old man who can't eat properly. (FM)
4 - Kanye West - 'Stronger'
Television Shows We Would Like To See: Kanye Kick It (in which he learns the rudiments of football), Kanye Feel It (blindfolded, Kanye has to guess the object), and Anything You Kanye Do, I Kanye Do Better (in which he brags into a mirror for four hours. (FM)
5 - James Blunt - '1973'
Lots of people have pointed out that James was actually too young to meet anyone in a nightclub in 1973 (the year), but what if he's talking about a street number? What if it's a tiny nightclub in the shed of number 1973, Enormous Crescent, Daventry? (FM)
6 - Babyshambles - 'Delivery'
"Here comes a delivery", sings Postman Pete. But look at the state of the packaging! And I expected this to arrived several weeks ago, in time for a friend's birthday. It's practically useless to me now, unless there's a booming trade in cacky celebrity fingerprints on brown paper. I DEMAND a refund. (FM)
7 - Scouting For Girls - 'She's So Lovely'
The name of the band is of course a pun on Baden Powell's book, Scouting For Boys, in which the founder of the Boy Scout movement attempts to find the remains of the 2nd Barnstaple pack, after their group attempt to earn their teleportation badge went disastrously wrong. It's a real page-turner. (FM)
8 - Foo Fighters - 'The Pretender'
The ringtone for the chorus to this song must sound like a distress call in morse code from a German sub during the war. Or to put it another way, even people with no musical talent at all could probably pick out almost all of the melody on a chime bar. (FM)
9 - Rihanna - 'Shut Up And Drive'
Barbadian beauty loses the support of cab drivers everywhere. (SP)
10 - Timbaland ft. Keri Hilson - 'The Way I Are'
There are lots of lines in 'The Way I Are' that I'm sure I must be mishearing.
"You can still touch my knob, it's free."
"I'm about to sneeze on your car keys...", anyone? (SP)
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