Blog Party - Rihanna's Studio Diary
It's widely accepted now that 'Umbrella' is the finest example of a pop song that we have seen in many a long, Mika-riddled month. It's got poise, it's got class, it's got sadness, it's got warmth, it's got highs, lows, and it's got a bit where Jay-Z challenges Snoop Dogg's work with the Pussycat Dolls for the title of 'Most Can't Be Bothered Guest Rapper Ever Ever'.
So, you can imagine the excitement, earlier on this week, when ChartBlog unearthed some lost words down the back of the internet, claiming to be extracts from Rihanna's* studio diary. As you will see, none of the amazing things which are in this amazing song were there from the start....but, oddly enough, Jay-Z WAS...
Bah! It's no good. This is embarrassing. Here I am with Jay-Z sitting on my studio couch, he's waiting (and playing Bling Tetris on his new laptop). I've got a new single to write, I think I wanna write it about being nice to someone I like, rather than sleeping around or anything nasty. And I think what I need is a really nice metaphor which suggests being a true friend, but which doesn't imply I want to, like, do it with the person I am singing about.
I mean I may want to do it with them as well, some friendships are also relationships, y'know? But it's the friendship side of things I wanna write about here. Like that moment when you just want to reach out to someone and say "hey, you. Don't be scared. Whatever happens, I'm, like, SO there for you, yeah?"
The trick is gonna be trying to match the greats. I wanna write another song like 'Bridge Over Troubled Walter' or 'I'll Be, Therefore You' or 'You've Got A Fred'. Those are songs with really good metaphors, like if Walter is really upset because people are all shouting at him, and you're a bridge over him, then people can't see him, so he'd be, like, invisible or something. You wouldn't shout at someone who is invisible, right? Cos you can't see them. That's the level of songwriting I'm aiming at here.
And it would be SO SWEET if I could find a metaphor which kind of rhymes with my name a bit, yeah? Cos then it'd be like I'm Rihanna, I'm SO supportive and kind and nice and whatever that I even sound a bit like...like...the thing I wanna use as a metaphor. Like if Troubled Walter needed to hide under a banner, people still wouldn't be able to see him, and that would be OK, right? So I could be his banner. And I'm Rihanna.
Only I don't think I'm gonna use banner because what if it was a banner which read something like 'Happy 40th Birthday Mike!' on it? I don't want to be a banner with 'Happy 40th Birthday Mike!' on it, because what if the person I'm singing to isn't called Mike, or isn't 40? Or what if it's not his birthday? No, it's all too specific. I need something else which rhymes a bit with Rihanna...
Let's see now...Anna, Banna, Canna, Danna, Eanna, Fanna, Ganna, Hanna, Ianna, Janna, Kanna, Lanna, Manna, Nanna...
...Nana? Could I be like a nana to Troubled Walter? Nanas are nice, aren't they? Always got sweets and a little bit of pocket money in their pockets. People like sweets and pocket money...
...but what if Troubled Walter is being bullied? A nana wouldn't be much use in a fight situation, would she? No, that's no good at all...
I need something you can hold over your head to protect you from a...a...DOWNPOUR of bad things, but you could also use as a weapon or, like WAVE at people and stuff. Let's think now...spanner? Too aggressive. Banana? Too surreal. Japan-er? Doesn't make sense.
Maybe this rhyming thing is too complicated, y'know? What's good for protection? Sunscreen?
[sings] "I'll be your sunscreeeeen on a hot day...and I'm a REEEEEEEEEEEALLY high factor one toooo".
Hmm. Perhaps not. A nice thick overcoat?
[sings] "Come and get me off the HOOOOOOK, I've got soft, furry pockets..."
Funny, I could've sworn I just heard a noise like Jay-Z spluttering on his own cigar...what'd I say?
C'mon Ri, you can DO this...what do people use to protect themselves? Got it!
[sings] "You can use my SECUUUUURITY GUAAAAAAAAAAAARDS, when there's shopping to DOOOOOO"
Perfect! Hey Jay, I'm ready to do this now! You been working on your rap there, fella? Whaddya mean NO? Do you want me to come out there and hit you with this um-bah-rella, fella? Eh? Eh? Scared of my um-bah-rella, fella? Eh? Eh?
That's better, so this song is called 'Insecurity Guards', right? And it goes like this...
*DISCLAIMER: C'mon, 'Insecurity Guards'? Troubled Walter? BLING TETRIS? Clearly this is not really the work of Rihanna or anyone in her (massive and very scary) organisation. Don't be fooled. Not even by ChartBlog. OK?