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Armband Van Halen - A Brilliant New Game

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Fraser McAlpine | 16:48 UK time, Wednesday, 18 April 2007

Armband Van HalenEver heard the expression 'tiny things please tiny minds'? Well, proof has finally arrived in the ChartBlog corporate HQ that we have just about the smallest brains this side of...hey, how do you spell amoeba anyway?

What other reason could there be for the incredible delight you can take in taking the name of a band or artist, and then changing the words a bit so it sounds rude, stupid...er, well basically either rude or stupid (did I mention this is for people with tiny minds? I did? Good, good).

It started with Armand Van Helden, the dance-boffin and Ali G lookie-likee. Something about his name lends itself to mucking about and changing words for other words which sound similar (yes, I'm talking about PUNS, the most degraded and groan-worthy of all the comedy elements...the annoyingly perky kid-brother to all that is chucklesome and laughable).

So, while the eyes and ears experience his name as 'Armand Van Helden', the (tiny) brain of the Pun Rocker can have great sport changing it to Alien Van Holding, or Arm Hand Span-Melding...or (the personal favourite of Team ChartBlog and the reason this game has the name it does) ARMBAND VAN HALEN.

Seriously, once you've hit upon a punning name that works, you won't ever want to go back to plain old reality again. Forget Armand, it's Mr Van Halen to you...

Here's just some of the clever tricks you can do when you reach the advanced levels of Armband Van Halen. Be warned though, you may have to speak some of these out loud to understand them. And there's a chance that when you do finally get some of the more fiddly ones, you'll wonder why you bothered. Remember, TINY MINDS...

Making Book Titles:
My Conical Grow-pants
A Brill Latrine
Twist-Tina, Atchoo-Wearer
Picnic! At The Disco
Smacks Emo Park
Guys Are Cheese

Gratuitous Sex:
Willy Alien
Balls-Out Boy
Streaka (see also - Geeka, Wee-Car)

Foody Foody Foody FOO-DAY!:
Booze (see also Shoes, Poos, Lose, Ruse)
Cake Fat
Coq Party (what? It's French for chicken!)

Silly Words Make Peeples Laff:
Welly Retardo
Tarmacadamy Ears...
Dustbin Tindercake
Fowl Own You, New Teeny
Nine Pence Nails

The Evening 'Ew!'s:
Poop Snogg
Gamey Whinehose
Lurgey (ft Poo-dacris)
Things Of Wee-On

Fancy a game? Over to you...best pun wins!

Feel free to have another go at band names I've already done...

Look, a bigger version of the Armband Van Halen box...

Oh, and the REAL Armband Van Halen has a new album called 'Ghettoblaster' out on May 7th. Read about it on his MySpace page....


  1. At 06:05 PM on 19 Apr 2007, Rachel wrote:

    Wobbly Millions
    Heartsick Fun, Please
    Bring Me Beers
    Jam Is More-ish, Yum!

    [Wow...I had no idea we were in the presence of a past master. - Fraser]

  2. At 06:43 PM on 21 Apr 2007, Rachel wrote:

    And while I'm at it...

    Dread Not Chilly Shepherds (see also Fred Got Silly Letters)
    Swilly Gallon
    Mud Honour
    Just Tone...it down a bit!
    Soapy Hell Expects Her (see also Showy Trellis Vexed Her)
    Beyond Sane (see also Be On Stage, Bee On Stage...stop me now, please!)
    Highly In Vogue
    Ruthless Rainfight (see also Roofless Way In, Right?)
    Ray's Alight!

    [Oh my good Lord! The girl's a GENIUS! - Fraser]

  3. At 05:21 PM on 03 May 2007, Juztin wrote:

    You missed out "Just Cack"!


  4. At 11:56 PM on 03 May 2007, Kat wrote:

    How did I miss this blog?? Lols

    I just saw your Fowl Own You, New Teeny tonight, wasn't the best :(

    [Well then. Improve it. Armband Van Halen isn't solitaire, y'know! - Fraser]

  5. At 10:10 AM on 04 May 2007, Kat wrote:

    The Lol was for the game..that rocks. I meant the gig :P

    [AH! Now I understand. Phew! - Fraser]

  6. At 01:19 PM on 04 May 2007, Al wrote:

    How about

    Riff Pilchard (borna again christian singer)
    Mechanical Romans
    Jew thats pressed (Iconic brit heavy metallers)
    shark era

    [LOVING Mechanical Romans! - Fraser]

  7. At 07:32 PM on 05 May 2007, Rachel wrote:

    Right then...!

    Elephant Ardour
    Orange Daily Spray
    Grope A Troll (see also Slow But Droll)

    [Slow But Droll is THE WINNER! - Fraser]

  8. At 07:03 PM on 27 May 2007, ~Rachel~ wrote:

    Here we are!

    Lizard Twisters (see also Swiz Resistors)
    The Flea Ring
    Marry In A Mansion

    (By the way, can I have an imaginary prize too, please? - for winning the inaugural game of Armband Van Halen - see above!)

  9. At 10:15 PM on 27 May 2007, Kerri wrote:

    imaginary prize, my prize isnt imaginary, i have it right here! though you need those special specs i was on about to see it :P

  10. At 12:10 AM on 28 May 2007, Kat wrote:

    Sh(oot) Is Ben Broke?
    Sever Here
    Gravel Loving (cos she skated, right?! :P)

    fun game lol

  11. At 12:21 AM on 28 May 2007, Kat wrote:

    Have any sense? (That's for Amy :P)

    Free Crows Frown
    Shooting's Fraught With Danger
    Rich Men With One Shoe

  12. At 09:16 PM on 28 May 2007, ~Rachel~ wrote:

    ...yes but the thing is, Kerri, no-one has imagined a prize for me, so I haven't got one! :-(

  13. At 10:11 PM on 28 May 2007, Kerri wrote:

    ok rachel, ill think you up a great prize as been as fraser isnt bothering, but first i need to know its something your going to like so whats your fave band etc?

    [Hey this is GREAT! Can I also have 300 words on the new Take That single by Wednesday? I'm off for a snooze. - Fraser]

  14. At 07:54 PM on 29 May 2007, ~Rachel~ wrote:

    ...I think Fraser's allowed holidays, isn't he?

    Well, still feeling prizeless...I like lots of bands really...but Robbie Williams and Amy Winehouse stand out...oh - they're not bands...that's a thought though - maybe they could do a duet for me - an imaginary one, of course! Can you manage that, Kerri - it's a tall order?

  15. At 08:48 PM on 29 May 2007, Kat wrote:

    Fraser is not allowed holidays! Even suggesting such a thing!! Can't be letting standards slip!

  16. At 10:22 PM on 29 May 2007, ~Rachel~ wrote:

    Well, Kerri seems to be on holiday now, anyway! Still prizeless... :-( I'll have to imagine my own...

    Anyway, now I'm here:

    His/Hers Shifters
    The Cluck Songs
    Fumes Are Awful - Offend!

    (Now I really should be working. No? Oh, alright then...)

  17. At 11:11 PM on 29 May 2007, Kerri wrote:

    sorry rachel, my sis had been hogging the computer all day! erm..if not the duet, hows about i arrange for you to see them both in rehab?? and fraser i would try but take that arent really my thing :S i havnt even heard the new single, and until now i didnt know it existed

  18. At 09:54 PM on 30 May 2007, ~Rachel~ wrote:

    Wow, thanks Kerri - that would be great! But I wonder how you're going to get Ms Winehouse there - she won't go, y'know! Maybe she could go on the pretext of visiting Robbie - and then we could lock her in...then even the duet might be a possibility...Hmm...I'll let you know if it works!

  19. At 10:04 PM on 30 May 2007, Kerri wrote:

    ok, i hope you have fun :)

  20. At 07:15 PM on 02 Jun 2007, ~Rachel~ wrote:

    Well, I have to say, as prizes go, it was different!

    I did wonder what kind of a result would come out of a combination as volatile as this...and to start with, Amy's hammering on the door and yelling 'No!' over and over again did put a stop to anything else. But then Robbie got fed up with this, sat her down and gradually convinced her that rehab wasn't so bad after all - and she found they did lovely cups of tea, which was all she really needed...

    Then they both noticed me, and then came the inevitable question, "Who are you?" and I had to explain that I'd won them both in a competition and it was really Kerri's fault, as it was her idea...and then: "Who's Kerri?", so I told them I had no idea, but it was all because of ChartBlog..."What's ChartBlog?" "What d'you mean, what's ChartBlog? You're supposed to be friends, for heaven's sake! Huh, does MySpace mean nothing, then?!"

    They looked a bit sheepish, so I took my chance and said that the prize was great as it was, but would be just perfect if they could sing a duet for me! They started complaining about being won at all, and their lives not being their own and it playing havoc with their schedules, being imagined into a place with no notice whatsoever...But they seemed to like the duet idea, and I excitedly thought it was all going to happen, and was waiting for them to come up with something...

    But it turned out the only thing they both knew and could both sing was 'Mary Had A Little Lamb', and Robbie couldn't really remember the harmonies...

    Just I was about to suggest they made up a song there and then, Amy suddenly remembered where she was and what it would do to her reputation if anyone saw her there, actually IN REHAB! I tried to make her stay, but she was adamant. The last I saw of her was sneaking out round the back...

    I felt awkward left alone with Robbie, and it was over, really, so I thanked him for spending some time in my imagination, which he was fine about, and then came back here.

    The song could've been SOOO good, though...

    Thanks for arranging it, Kerri, and Fraser - this is the kind of prize I'm hoping ChartBlog will be offering more of in the future...

  21. At 08:40 PM on 02 Jun 2007, Kerri wrote:

    im glad you liked the prize, youve basically written a whole fanfic! thats one of the longest comments ive ever seen! but i dont think that fraser deserves too much thanks, remember he was on holiday or not bothering or something :P .....

    ..... only joking fraser

    [You were THAT close to having your prize stolen by invisible thieves then... - Fraser]

  22. At 08:46 PM on 02 Jun 2007, Rachel (the other one) wrote:

    I'm confused......what's going on? All I can make out is stuff about games, Amy Winehouse and Robbie Williams...can someone fill me in?
    Soz for being a random nuisance :)

    [Basically, this is a game, games have winners, but in ChartBlogLand winners win imagionary prizes which are FAR better than any real ones ever could be. Rachel won this game, and that was her prize. She's a lucky girl, eh? - Fraser]

  23. At 09:38 PM on 02 Jun 2007, Kerri wrote:


    I DIDNT MEAN IT....I LOVE MY PRIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    but i did think the whole robbie, amy, rehab thing up...well the initial idea atleast then rachel did all the imagining stuff

    ps have i been nice enough for you to never think of setting your invisible goons out again?

  24. At 10:13 PM on 02 Jun 2007, Kat wrote:

    That rocks, Rachel... nice one!! How long did that take?!

    The imaginary prizes are very very good indeed. Although I've never GOT one! *sobs* What's a girl gotta do to get a prize around here, damnit! :P

  25. At 06:51 PM on 03 Jun 2007, the other Rachel wrote:

    Oh okay I get this now....sorry, I'm having one big bimbo moment recently cause back to school tomorrow. Oh well, I hope our school computers don't block the radio 1 website cause we are in the IT room twice tomorrow...hee hee I'm bad >;)
    So how is everybody then? I'm pretty bored, so i'll just leave everyone alone now....bye!

  26. At 08:08 PM on 04 Jun 2007, ~Rachel~ wrote:

    Sorry - I haven't been ignoring everyone. I've got one of the early clockwork internets, which I have to wind up, and is more expensive in the daytime...and I've been working!

    Thanks Kat - not sure how long it took, just some of Saturday afternoon...and I HAD to make sure I got my prize, didn't I? If you want something done...

    Talking of which, Kat, if you want one of these prizes, I suggest you make up a game, win it and choose and make your own prize - that way it's guaranteed...a bit lonely, though :(

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