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Chart Report - 19/11/06

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Fraser McAlpine | 13:36 UK time, Monday, 20 November 2006

  1 AKON ft. EMINEM 'SMACK THAT' Official Site
  2 JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE ft. TI 'MY LOVE' Official Site
  3 WESTLIFE 'THE ROSE' Official Site
  4 TAKE THAT 'PATIENCE' Official Site
The entire Top 40 is right here...

As a quick glace at the Top 5 will tell you, if you wanna get ahead these days in the world of chart, it helps if you've got a mate who can add a little bit of rap magic. Especially if your song is so OHMYGOD sexy that it means you have to nip (NIP, EH? WAHAY!) off in the thick (THICK!) of the action (ACTION!) to, y'know...do THINGS with SEXYPEOPLE (SEXYPE...oh, you get the point...).

It's becoming clear that this is a trend, and that the reason behind this trend has nothing to do with keeping Snoop Dogg in ridiculously over-large pyjamas. No, something MASSIVELY IMPORTANT is happening to our favourite solo stars, particularly those of a hip hop or R&B persuasion…they're becoming SHY.

That's right, despite banging on and on to anyone who will listen about how brilliant and sexy and rich and brilliant (again) and WICKEDFRESHCOOL they are, most of the big 'urban' acts in music today can't leave the house without an escort, and when it comes to putting their voices to tape, they prefer to have someone who's just as famous as they are in the studio to hold their hands. And if it's Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls in a tiny dress, so much the better.


That's why the stars of today travel everywhere with loads of minders and hairdressers and chair-wiping-people and stuff, they're TERRIFIED! It's like a super-bling strain of agoraphobia (the fear of open spaces), which our scientists are now calling divasolophobia. And, just like those red string bracelets Madonna made everyone wear a while back, all it takes is a couple of A-list stars to do something, and they all want to join in.

Ironically, the sudden outbreak of divasolophobic rappers and R&B stars all huddling together for warmth coincides with an incredibly explosion of chippy "I don't need YOU!" self-confidence among the poppers and rockers in the land of chart.

Seriously, check out the Top 40 when you get a second, 11 of the songs on the chart are group efforts, and of those 11, only U2 and Green Day's team-up contains THE ROCK. And no, Meat Loaf, re-doing Celine Dion's old songs does NOT count...

And on the pop side, Simon Webbe, Emma Bunton, Robbie Williams, Razorlight...all acts who made their first chart breakthrough as part of a group effort, but who've now elected to go it alone. Because they CAN, dammit! (OK, the other three in Razorlight may SAY they're a group, but we KNOW THE TRUTH, right Johnny?).

And that's not including everyone who couldn't BEAR to work with anyone else in the first place. Like Christina Aguilera, Amy Winehouse, Cassie, or Madonna.


In fact, Christina, despite occasionally giving in and holding musical hands with the likes of P Diddy and Missy Elliott, has clearly decided that her new brass-heavy musical vision is the only valid one in the whole world, bacause THAT'S the WAY they used to do it in the OLDEN DAYS...OK??

And as for Beyonce...what? No Jay-Z? No Sean Paul? No Destiny's Child? Aren't you COLD out there on your own, love? No wonder you're jigging about so much!

Add all of these factors up, and you've got half the chart occupied by hand-holding gangs or terrified A-listers, all scared of their own shadows, and the other half stuffed full of total ego-monsters who refuse to play 'the game' by anyone's rules but their own. They're mavericks, they're unafraid to take a few risks in order to get results. Their unconventional approach may seem like madness to Johnny Law, but when push comes to shove, they are the people you want fighting in your corner...stuff like that.

Quite what this says about Take That's decision to end their respective solo careers and get back together is not clear at present. But it's probably really significant. Just thank your lucky chart stars that they're not currently trying to call themselves Gary Barlow ft. Mark Owen & The Other Two...


  1. At 06:55 PM on 24 Jan 2007, edwina wrote:

    akon ft. Snoop should be no 1

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