You would think, beats and rhythms being nothing more complicated than a series of cleverly-arranged bangs and clicks, that producers would be a bit more adventurous with the kind of sounds they use. Even more so when you consider sampling has been well-established as a studio tool for over 25 years now.

I mean, where are the griffin stomps? The leprechaun handclaps? Where is the sound of a hard-boiled tyrannosaur egg being scraped down the side of a yellow battleship on an unseasonably frosty morning in August?

Why are we still listening to that 808 when we could be listening to this two-thousand-and-909?

Timbaland is the exception that proves I'm right about everyone else. In the past he's been brilliant at working unusual sounds - from tablas and tinny little mandolins to what sounds like bits of old tree being whacked against other bits of old tree - into seamless and beautiful musical tapestries. In fact, I would advise anyone with an ear for something unusual - and a high tolerance for grown-up content/country music - to listen to Bubba Sparxxx's 2003 album 'Deliverence' if you haven't already. It's a sonic masterpiece.

This song, while being a way off anything as perfect as that (or 'Get Ur Freak On', now I come to think of it) is an attempt to pull together some of the recent production ideas Timbo has been throwing around. There's the squitty, burbling synth, which always sounds DEAD RUDE in his filthy hands, the clunky, booming log-pile bass drum, and those odd little drunken typewriter-on-a-tin-can clicks and clacks.

Best of all, for a production powerhouse and supreme dancefloor manipulator Tim never forgets to bring the song to the fore. Even if he's decorating it with silky SoShy backing vocals and wheeling out his yodel-vocoder, the song is all. Even, in fact, when it's a song as comparatively silly and weedy as this one.

He is, after all, a man with certain standards to maintain.

Download: Out now
CD Released: September 28th
www.timbalandmusic.com
BBC Music page

(Fraser McAlpine)

People do make a lot of fuss when actors decide they would like to be pop stars, and with good reason. The two jobs are very, very different, and prospective performers require radically different levels of patience, ego, charisma, projection and, y'know, talent, in order to do either one properly. On the plus side, you have to be roughly the same amount of photogenic, and a nice smile never goes amiss.

The reason it's important to remember that Jared Leto is a film star AND a pop star (or, if you're a Kerrang! reader, "important rock star") is that his band's music is...well...cinematic. It's HUGE. So huge that important details could be missed if it's rendered through a comparatively weedy and rubbish domestic television set or tinny little iPod dock. The natural home of something as enormous as this is the silver screen, preferably a 500ft high drive-in job, in the middle of a desert on a starlit night, with a sound system as big as Budleigh Salterton.

Of course, this level of widescreen sonic hugeness is not unknown in modern rockular music, even from non-actors. In fact, it's surprising what a good job of becoming U2 this lot are doing: Better than U2 are, in fact.

You get the sense, from listening, that something MASSIVELY IMPORTANT is going on, something that Jared needs to HOWL AT THE BLAZING SKY about. He is so good at this that he often makes me think of a man with a flip-top head, hinged just behind the ears. His high notes are there to speak for every one of us who has found themselves needing to express an emotion which combines total FRUSTRATION with NOSTALGIA FOR THE BEST OF DAYS.

We've all been there, right? You sleep in, you spill a hot drink on your trousers, you pause to wipe toothpaste off your jumper, the cloth has jam on it, and you can't find your keys. You're sure that you used to be less bothered about such things, and you wish those times were with you still. What else is there to do but BELLOW?

This song is therefore best saved for moments when you need to feel heroic. It is also docked one star for having a pompous video, and because there are times when it sounds like the Twang having a steroid strop.

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 30th
www.thirtysecondstomars.com
BBC Music page

(Fraser McAlpine)

Y'know that 'glass half-empty/half full' thing that people use to tell the difference between pessimists and optimists? Well, that's an example of the kind of filters through which people interpret the world (don't wander off, Fiddy fans, I'm getting to it), so you can spot where their prime motivating drive comes from.

Some people, for example, read a story about a man running down the street carrying a woman's handbag and assume he stole it. Some would assume he's delivering it, because it's got important medication inside. Some would even assume that it's his bag and he's running away from bullies.

50 Cent, it is fair to say, would begin by pointing out that it's a cheap bag compared to the designer kind that he can afford, and then assume that whatever amount of cash there may be inside is a paltry sum compared to the money he has lost down the back of his sofa in the last week alone.

We already know this. We knew it when he released 'Window Shopper' and bragged about the stuff he can buy that other people cannot, and we knew it when he released 'I Get Money', from which the memorably blunt line "have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire" is used as a sample here. Whatever happens in the world, from matters of the heart to his own stage-name, 50 Cent views it through the prism of a dollar bill.

What he's very good at, though, is taking that cash-centric viewpoint and turning it into a brutal, bottom-line kind of shrug, which says "look, we might as well enjoy the moment. Tomorrow I'm gonna be gone and you're gonna be annoyed, and frankly, I don't care about it either way because I'm rich enough not to. But seeing as I'm here and you're here, and I'm hot and rich and you're just hot, I'm gonna treat you like a queen, and then we're going to do something irresponsible."

This is the extent to which Fiddy thinks about romance. He doesn't care enough about anyone to spend the rest of his week with them, let alone his life. He kind of needs a seductive soul cushion to work from, and a Ne-Yo dancing about behind him, acting the gentleman, just to give his thoughts on the topic a kind of formal sense of manners. Otherwise he's essentially just talking dirty, and that's fine, except someone mentioned babies, and some women may find that to be a bit of a moment-killer.

There again, he also mentioned cash, so maybe he's just trying to appeal to the girl who sees the world the way he does: The girl who sees the running guy with the handbag and thinks "brilliant! I never liked that bag anyway. Now I can claim for a better one!"

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 30th
www.50cent.com
BBC Music page

(Fraser McAlpine)

The other day my friend Sarah dyed her hair bright auburn. "What do you think?" She asked "I think it looks great... Hayley." I replied. There was a brief, awkward pause. At first, she probably thought I'd gone a bit loopy again (a regular occurrence, especially after a bourbon biscuits and tea moment), but before she could say 'you are a terrible friend for not knowing my name', she clicked. Yes, I had just compared her to Hayley, the lead singer of Paramore.

Okay, okay, I'm aware other redheads exist, but right now the hottest redhead in the whole world is definitely her. Thankfully though, it's not just a great head of hair that Hayley's responsible for... she's also pretty well known for fronting one of the most explosive and energetic current bands out there.

But how does their new single 'Brick by Boring Brick' compare to Paramore's back catalogue? Well, let's just say this: it's certainly hair-raising... hair-raisingly BRILLIANT, that is.

Paramore have the knack of releasing ridiculously catchy songs that are popular both commercially and amongst the emo-ist of emo (see: 'Misery Business', 'That's what you get' and 'Ignorance'). 'Brick by boring brick' is no exception. So turn it up. And Loud.

The song moves all over the place, but rather than this leaving you looking longingly in the distance, it takes you along for the ride - and trust me, this is better than ANY rollercoaster I've ever been on (well, excluding 'The Crazy Mouse' on Brighton Pier, obvs). This is NOT song writing brick by boring brick.

Listening to the lyrics is like entering a world where sandcastle's aren't built, but buried, a world where the baddie is not the wolf, but reality... and in this world, things are dark, but they're very real. There's a sense of longing; longing for those fairytales and longing for innocence, but it's coupled with a sense of realisation that this will never happen.

Erm, blimey. That was deep... As deep as the "deep hole" Hayley sings about? Maybe not.

ANYWAY! Moving on, the song's darkness is offset by it's main appeal: it's liveliness and catchiness. In this sense, it's a little cheesy, but it's these cheesy bits, the handclaps and 'ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da-da"s, that make this song properly ANTHEMIC. Is this song as memorable as, say, 'That's What You Get'? No, probably not. Is it as 'ooooh, this is new!' as Misery Buisness? Again, no not really. But is it as good? Darn right, it is.

If the secrets to Hayley's song writing success lie under her hair, I'm so off to dye mine right now. Or, you know, I might write her an email asking her to send me a lock of it. Either will do.

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 23rd
www.paramore.net
BBC Music page

(Vicki Lutas)

Imagine, if you can, a time when it seemed like every third record in the chart shared a common gene. And not just a lyrical thread or a particular way of processing the human voice so that it sounds like a singing robot nose, we're talking about a drum sample, one which starts with a "whooh!" and ends with a "yeah!", and back in the early '90s it was EVERYWHERE.

Every dance track used it, every UK hip hop track used it - and James Brown's funky drummer...them was crazy days, I tellya - hell, I'm pretty sure even Cliff Richard used it at one point. Possibly for a song about Christmas. It ended up being recycled so often that people were seen running up to every song which had not been afflicted and yelling "LEAVE, LEAVE NOW! THIS IS A PLAGUE-ZONE!"

Well, now it has mutated, is preparing to swarm, and Dizzee is the carrier. Earmasks at the ready, let's INVESTIGATE...

Now, it's important to note that the main strand of DNA running through this is 'Dirty Cash (Money Talks)' by the Adventures of Stevie V. That's where the singing chromasome comes from, as well as the rave-protein and the fake saxophone isotope.

But, see here...this new area which is made up of layers of complex lyrical flow, these dark patches of descriptive language about a world obsessed with money and fame. See how the helix twists into the shape of a lethally sharp tongue? That is what scientists are calling the Dizzee effect. It's this mutation which is giving the song its strength and resiliance, making it almost impossible to resist.

Luckily there is hope for humankind. It seems this particular infection is one which causes the human body no ill effects whatsoever. In fact, it could even be said to be beneficial, in the right circumstances.

All we need to do is monitor all new music for symptoms and keep the infected files away from all other music, and we should be fine. Vitamin C, anyone?

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 23rd
www.dizzeerascal.co.uk
BBC Music page

(Fraser McAlpine)

This song makes me nervous: very nervous. Not because I'm wondering whether Rihanna will actually 'pull the trigger', but because the last time I reviewed for the Chartblog, it was for Rihanna's 'Run This Town', and I foolishly predicted that it wouldn't top the chart, which, of course, it did, and of course the lovely Chartblog community rubbed my nose in it. .

It appears I fell asleep for a few years during the transformation from little harmless 'Pon Da Replay' Rihanna who barely made a chart dent, to probably the most popular r'n'b female solo artist of the decade (except Beyonce). I had truly underestimated Rihanna's super chart powers, and I refuse to make the same mistake again.

Ah, this is going to be difficult, because being honest, there is nothing particularly great or new going on here. The idea of using Russian Roulette as a metaphor for life's crucial relationship decisions, is surprisingly smart for a pop-star, but it's not exactly suited to a r'n'b ballad. I can't really see it being used as the soundtrack to the Russian roulette scene in The Deer hunter (It might make James Bond at best).

The song is not that far off her old collection, like 'Take a Bow' or 'Unfaithful'. It has the same big note repeatedly squeezed out and a catchy end chorus line that she's now becoming renowned for. As Rihanna ballads go, it's probably her best so far, the production has stepped up a gear and the choral backing really gives the crux of the track its oomph.* But, apart from the 'pull the trigger' line, where she decides to sound Barbadian again, the rest of the song is quite forgettable.

So, what do I do? Judging the song alone I'd say it will make top 10, top 5 possibly. But this is the new, scantily dressed, tabloid fronting, chart topping Rihanna, and not wanting to make the same mistake twice, I'm predicting it will go to number 1.

Well at least I can judge how many stars it gets.

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 23rd
Official Rihanna website
BBC Music page

(Grant Black)

*Could be spelt umph or umpf . Whatever your preference.

In a world where Jedward exist and thrive, it's increasingly hard to find solid, concrete reasons to object to Mika and his music, beyond the obvious one about cups of tea and who they belong to.

Yes, he looks into the camera as if he's staring at his beautiful face in a mirror which is telling him he is the fairest in all the land. Yes, he's not blessed with range as far as songwriting is concerned, and yes he often sings as if language is not his first language, but you put him next to even the most bland of X Factor contestants and a strange phenomenon occurs. He starts to resemble someone who is a lot more charismatic and talented than he actually is.

Trouble is, there's another star in the firmament who has pretty much cornered the market in interesting and enigmatic - Lady GaGa, who is so good at being in the public eye she could give Madonna lessons - which puts Mika right back where he started, and this song is going to do nothing to change matters.

Even if you've not heard this, you have: It's basically 'Love Today' with the 'flu. It's discoey, campish, nearly flamboyant, wan-tastic...it takes a fairly anaemic thing and drains the life-blood out of it, until you're left with a featherlight, skippy, breathy squib with no real sense of purpose or urgency, performed by a man who is not so much an alien sex being from the planet Charisma as a hyperactive CBeebies presenter with a narcissistic streak.

Hearing this, it makes total sense why 'We Are Golden' had to be as bombastic and Meat Loafy as it was, it's simply because these are songs that would blow away in the draught if they weren't anchored down by breeze blocks.

Someone else's cuppa, all down my front, 'swot I am saying...

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 23rd
www.mikasounds.com
BBC Music page

(Fraser McAlpine)

Lady GaGa does not care if you like her or not. Lady GaGa does not care if I like her or not. Lady GaGa does not care for approval, what Lady GaGa wants is your attention, your bewilderment, your awe. Do not get all mushy on Lady GaGa, or she will beat you.*

Lady GaGa's songs do not exist to please you, why should they? You have to look after yourself when you enter Lady GaGa's world, and if you do not, you may find yourself impaled on a spike. The spike could be made of latex or rubber or stainless steel or shiny plastic or even human hair, but it will hurt like hell and the inevitable pool of blood will make a mess.

Lady GaGa does not appreciate mess, unless it has been made by Lady GaGa.

So, even though I am clearly going to have to dip into my little bag of superlatives for this astonishing song, even though the ChartBlog official view of Lady GaGa and her work has had to shift slightly from "good pop star, 'Poker Face' is great, but..." to "WE ARE TRULY BLESSED TO BE LIVING IN THE TIME OF GA", and even though this overshadows the bulk of music released in a year which has seen some astonishing pop barge to the top of the charts...

...the simple fact of the matter is whatever anyone has to say on the topic is just a tiny, frail childlike hand waving at the massive juGaGanaut which is steamrollering over the entire world.

The amazing thing is that even though all of the above is true, there's still a bleeding, fragile beating heart at the core of this song which anyone can relate to. A song which is about a failing, obsessional kind of passion for someone who is clearly bad news. And it's a passion which is strong enough to reduce GaGa to gibbering nonsense syllables, and speaking in tongues (assuming French counts, of course). These are the best bits of the song, naturally:

"ra ra ah ha ha, roma roma mah..."

It all comes together on the chorus, which arrives like a calming beam of light from on high in the middle of a psychotic episode. All the gibbering and purring falls away and she's left pleading with the object of her desire, while knowing she is doomed to failure. Love has taken her into some new and strange terrain, leaving her lost and scared, and at the mercy of the locals.

Still, now she knows how the rest of us feel. Spike bandage, anyone?

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 23rd
www.ladygaga.co.uk
BBC Music page

(Fraser McAlpine)

* She will not beat you.

WOOP! WOOP! NEW CHARTBLOG WRITER! NEW CHARTBLOG WRITER!

While it would be improper to speculate over Flo Rida's thoughts on monogamy in the context of a music review, let's just say that judging by this song, he seems like a pretty dependable kind of fella. He can see other women now that he's available, as it's now "the right time". He's a single man and that's his "situation", all right?

If you've just come out of a long-term relationship and you feel as though you've been a prisoner for last few months / years of your life, then this song should send you running frantically for the dance floor. Its solid beat; reassuring repetition, and simple, catchy lyrics are club-friendly and confidence boosting (assuming you have just been dumped and need a boost, that is).

Yes ladies, Flo Rida is "finally free", and he's brought along a few of his music industry friends to tell us all about it. Look, there's Will.I.Am, twiddling his knobs and having a little rap, and Akon, who's telling the world to come and get him, in his typically high-pitched way.

An anonymous female voice provides a welcome break from the testosterone-attack (yes, even Akon), but before you know it, Flo Rida tells us that he is confident he can "get her giggling" before he takes her out onto the floor to "get her wiggling." And it works! Her seductive reply? "You got me wiggling", sung through a mouthful of autotune robofluff. High-five, fellas!

You've probably gathered that this song isn't going to change your life, but it will probably get you dancing. With lyrics that border on child-like at times "I ain't got no girlfriend / you ain't got one either" and a few comedy oooh wooo oooh's also thrown in, you could be forgiven for laughing out loud the first time you hear it. But Flo Rida isn't known for social commentary, after all, and if you want to let your hair down then you're not really likely to care.

So if you're feeling broken-hearted and wondering whether to stay in and feel sorry for yourself instead of hitting the town - play this song before you make any rash decisions. If it makes you smile, you may be on the mend.

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 23rd
www.officialflo.com
BBC Music page

(Kay Smith)

This was supposed to be a review of La Roux. I was supposed to be having a bit of a think about her success in 2009, maybe mentioning their vintage '80s synthpop credentials, Elly's quiff, and perhaps another little dig about the shrillness of her voice at times. So, in an act of TOTAL REBELLION, I've decided not to bother.

We all know what La Roux sounds like by now, right? Well they still sounds like it on their new single 'Quicksand', and that is because 'Quicksand' was also their first single, a year ago.

(Here's the video. Call that a pineapple, Calvin Harris? THIS is a pineapple!)

SO, here's what we're going to talk about instead. Ellie Goulding's immaculate frostypop masterpiece.

It's not thrillingly retro, it's not home-made or the product of a tiny scene of London hipsters. Ellie does not have brilliantly-sculpted hair, or a bacofoil kimono. What she does have is a ghosty warble of a voice which sounds passionate and scared and bolshy and elvish all at the same time.

And it is put to great use here. From the first "like all the boys, boys, boys, boys" to the final go around on the pleading chorus, Ellie's voice dominates. There is barely a second of music which does not feature her vocal in some way, either as a muffled pixie choir, a lead instrument, or a soft, tumbledown wail in the background.

There are points where she sounds like a speeded-up and blended Florence album, there are bits where her throatal vibrato threatens to jellificate the entire song, and there's no doubt that prolonged exposure could rot your teeth, even though she clearly knows the Tooth Fairy on a first name basis...but this is a bewitching listen.

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 16th
www.elliegoulding.co.uk
BBC Music page

(Fraser McAlpine)

PS: The Siobhan Donaghy revival starts here, people!

PPS: See Ellie performing at BBC Maida Vale, right here!

I've always had James Morrison pegged as a slightly better version of James Blunt, but nonetheless, still the creator of the sort of music a guy plays to a girl when he's trying to seduce her, or that a girl plays when she's broken up with a/the aformentioned boy. In other words soppy music, for soppy people. (I pray that my aunty never reads this)

But now he's got a new song out, and I've been asked to review it. Will it prove me wrong on the above sweeping statement?

Errr... no. No it will not.

Now, my experiences of James Morrison are pretty limited. First, there's my boss who turns up 'Broken Strings' EVERY TIME it comes on the radio (and if you listen to radio, you'll know that's a lot). Then there's the time my friend said how, out of all the voices in the world, he'd most like to have James Morrison's.

The reason the first thing bothered me was not because I didn't quite like Broken Strings (it was alright, y'know?), but because I sat RIGHT next to the radio (my ears! My beautiful, slightly lobey ears!). The reason the second thing bothered me however, was because I nearly choked laughing so much. But now, listening to 'Get to You', it seems I may have to *slightly* take back that laughter...

At the time, I told my friend I'd WAY rather have someone like Matt Bellamy or Jeff Buckley's voice, but he made the fair point the low tone might not really go with my blonde locks. This is probably true. But now, as I listen to the song I realise Mr Morrison DOES have a really great voice, and perhaps in the past I have overlooked this somewhat. I was too busy sweeping my judgements.

HOWEVER, him having a good voice does not excuse the fact that what he does with it is incredibly unimaginative. Look at N Dubz, not the most talented bunch, but what they lack for in talent they more than make up for with charisma and charm. I am not suggesting J-Mo should do a version of 'I Need You' when he's next in the Live Lounge (after all, his na-na-naiiis would probably be more like na-na-cryyyy), but perhaps he should consider doing something a little different to a rehashed, watered down version of 'You Give Me Something'? You know, just an idea.

Look, I'm sure a lot of people will like this song and even go and buy it, but these people are probably people who are James Morrison fans. I am not of those, and this song, if anything, has made me more certain on that than I have ever been. Thanks James, but no thanks. There are far better singer songwriters out there and on that note, does anyone have a copy of 'You're Beautiful', I could borrow?

JOKE.

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 16th
www.jamesmorrisonmusic.com
BBC Music page

(Vicki Lutas)

I know it sounds a bit snobbish to suggest that there's such a thing as a 'proper' popstar, but if such a thing exists, I'm sure Little Boots is one. She has a collection of different types of keyboards! She makes homemade cover versions and sticks them up on YouTube for her own amusement! I might even go as far as to say that she gives off the impression that even if there were no cameras pointing at her and no people listening to her, she'd probably still be twiddling away on a keyboard somewhere because she just likes it that much.

That, to me, is what a proper popstar is - someone who's physically incapable of not being one.

All well and good, and I can sit here and claim she was born destined for the Top 10 as long as I like, but even proper popstars need to prove they've earned their place in the charts by delivering some decent records. 'New In Town' and 'Remedy' got her off to a good start (the latter actually being my own personal summer holiday soundtrack), but how does 'Earthquake' match up?

Not too shabbily, actually. It's not as instant or as infectious as 'Remedy', and is instead a bit more inward-looking and even a bit glum in places, but Boots actually pulls off my favourite pop trick of contrasting some quite depressing lyrics with some quite jolly sounds.

It's all very Human League, for those of you not ashamed to admit you remember the 1980s (or indeed their brief 1990s revival) - some fairly dark lyrics mixed into a deceptively sweet female vocal and some distractingly strident synthing.

The downside of all this is that it feels more like one of those songs that comes on the radio and makes you smile with recognition rather than grinning and singing along, but that's not necessarily an entirely bad thing. Just as some songs are obvious first singles, others are obvious third- or fourth-singles - not strong enough to hook the potential success of an entire album onto, but good enough to entice a few people who might've been on the cusp of buying the LP after hearing the first few singles over the edge.

And with any luck, if this shifts a few more units, Boots will have enough spare change to treat herself to another new keyboard, and then everyone's a winner.

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 16th
www.littlebootsmusic.co.uk
BBC Music page

(Steve Perkins)

PS: As if by magic, here's Little Boots performing a quite brilliant solo piano version of the Human League's 'Don't You Want Me'.

Isn't teamwork a wonderful thing? You get a bunch of people together, everyone does a little thing, and before you know it, a big thing happens. Sometimes it can be something as simple as standing still and being quiet: One person does it, and they're shy, ten people do it, and they're a cult, but if EVERYONE does it, it's a national gesture.

The same rule applies to charity records. They need to be hits, or they run the risk of looking forlorn and pathetic, and worse, raising no money. The best way to do this is get as many people as possible on board. This is partly because it's automatically more impressive if there's loads of celebs in a line, pulling imaginary keys from the sky (see all Westlife videos), and this creates a feeling in people that they should get off their backsides and DO something to help those less fortunate than themselves.

Not that your performers have to be celebs, there just needs to be more than one of them...

EXAMPLE 1: Chartjackers - 'I've Got Nothing'

This is the brainchild of a bunch of well-connected young webulons, and has the backing of BBC Switch - the people who brought you Switch Live, fact fans - and it's fairly simple. Four self-confessed musical novices attempt to make a pop record and get it into the charts, using only their skill as web-networkers to help them. Then they give all the money to Children In Need.

(Here's the video. I think we can all see who the real star is here.)

Now, as you'll see, this is very much the 'let's all pull together and see what we can achieve' end of things, and will possibly appear to be slightly slapdash next to Lady GaGa's latest video. But it's pretty cute, for all that.

www.bbc.co.uk/switch/chartjackers

Meanwhile, at the other end of the polish scale...

EXAMPLE 2: The X Factor Finalists - 'You Are Not Alone'

Just as they did last year with 'Hero', the finalists for this year's X Factor have ganged up to record a group song. This is a version of one of Michael Jackson's prettiest songs, with the proceeds going to the Great Ormand Street hospital. I've no idea what it's like, because they're saving it up for the big push over the weekend, but if there are not explosive bits, key-changes and an ending which involves glitter cannons, and a LOT of wailing...I'll eat my hat.

(No video, obv. Let's hope it's on the telly soon, eh?)

Assuming the Chartjackers don't overwhelm everyone, the BIG chart battle seems likely to be between this song and...

EXAMPLE 3: Something else I can't tell you about.

On November 20th, during the Children In Need telethon, Peter Kay - a man who is no stranger to charity songs - will unveil his latest musical fund-raising video event thing. He's keeping the whole thing very hush-hush, because the webulons would spoil the surprise if he didn't, but here's what we CAN tell you.

1: There will be (almost) 100 famous people involved in performing the song, from the UK and America.

2: It's taken a LOT longer to arrange this than the Chartjackers, because of 'schedules' - two years in the planning, apparently - and it could overwhelm the X Factor AND the Take That / Robbie Albert Hall thing as the celebrity gatheration of the year.

And THAT, friends, is the power of teamwork.

Anyone want to help me weed the garden?

Hey, anyone remember the great Strictly Come Dancing scandal of '09? Oh sure you do! It was..it was...something about a young woman accidentally destroying an older woman and stepping into her shoes, with the help of three friends and a little fuzzy thing running about and yapping the whole time..?

Oh wait, that's The Wizard of Oz I'm thinking of.

Isn't it funny how time makes these things diminish? How quickly the heat of outrage moves on. In a week or two, we'll all feel the same way about the Simon Cowell Jedward thing that seems to be tremendously important to some people right now. Hell, if we all hold hands and listen really hard, we should be able to hear Sarah Cawood practising her "what was THAT all about?" face for the end of year roundup shows on THIS VERY TOPIC.

Anyway, having weathered the storm, Alesha is releasing an extended version of the album she originally brought out off the back of her success in last year's Strictly. It's not unlike the Lady GaGa situation but with less frothing at the mouth from the internet at large. Where once there was just 'The Alesha Show', there is now 'Encore', four new songs to help remind people that she has a day job, and that she's pretty good at it.

This is one of those songs, and Alesha co-wrote it with Gary Barlow. I don't really need to say that, because it's incredibly obvious from the first listen. It's got, like, Barlow cooties all over it.

By which I mean it's a plaintive ballad, which starts kind of small and intimate and ends kind of huge and expanded. It is untroubled by excessive twiddles and frills, does not seem unduly puffed-up or steroidal, and suffers slightly - but only very slightly - from a pre-existing genetic condition known as forgettabilititus.

It sounds for all the world like a classic Gary Barlow ballad - a slower 'Patience', Coldplay piano and all - with amended words to suit Alesha's personal circumstances, and her voice instead of his.

So essentially what I'm saying is that she has once again booted out someone older and (slightly) less photogenic than her, in order further her own selfish ends.

We're going to hell in a handcart! In this day and age! Call the tabloids! Call OFFCOM! Tell Sarah Cawood! What is THAT ALL ABOUT, EH?

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 15th
www.aleshadixon.co.uk
BBC Music page

(Fraser McAlpine)

You've got to hand it to Florence, she's not easily intimidated.

Some people - and by 'people' I mean 'singers who are not participating in the X Factor' - would've found the idea of covering what is already a pretty damn perfect song to be a scary prospect. Some would've deliberately toned down some of the better bits - the melody, those monolithic piano chords - in order to prevent snarky comparisons between the better-known, much-loved version and this new attempt.

Others would've gone as quiet and acoustic as humanly possible, maybe making a big deal out of how the recording is 'live', and therefore bound to be subject to human error - but really catching a vibe off the original which is actually totally true to the spirit of what people really love about it in the first plaZZZzzzzzz

(Here's the video. I've heard of a gibbous moon, but this is ridiculous.)

My point being, Florence throws herself as wholeheartedly into this song as she does into the dressing-up box, and this is what being a good pop star is all about. A sparkling brass neck to go with those shiny sequins.

And the end result is very nearly brilliant. It has everything the original has - namely a heart as big as Chippenham, a sense of wounded pride, but also optimism, gritted teeth and a great big sack of devotion. Florence's elvish foghorn perhaps lacks some of the subtlety of Candi Staton's passionate wail, but that's OK.

It's just a question of emphasis. Candi sings as if she's been to hell and back, but knows she can rely on the Lord above, even if everything else in her life crashes down around her. With Florence it feels less spiritual and more earthbound, like she's singing to an actual man - or woodnymph - rather than God.

The down side is that she occasionally comes across more as vexed because she's left her purse in the park, which makes her MAAAD. But also HAAAPPPEEEE that her fella will bring it home on his way back from magic club.

Anyway, enough about Florence. Who wants to come and help me sing my brilliant - and entirely original - new song? Good, I thought so. It's all about a scary chef who loses his sense of smell, and can no longer cook soup. The chorus goes like this, join in when you feel confident:

"With his whites on, he's outrageous,
Eerie Arnold gets his wages
Evil stew pit, but courageous
Eerie Arnold's taking ages
Adenoidal
Adenoidal
Adenoidal (repeat until end)"

Oh. Just me then.

Download: Out now
CD Released: November 16th
florenceandthemachine.net
BBC Music page

(Fraser McAlpine)