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S4 Files: Unfinished Business

Rebecca Denton, Online Exec | 21:00 UK time, Wednesday, 7 March 2012




Emry 2





Page 1 of 3

  • Comment number 1.

    yay! another letter!

  • Comment number 2.

    Another good letter, from a very grumpy old man (I reckon, anyway). Don't think this is from any of the characters we already know though.

  • Comment number 3.

    Ahh so this is the

    Tho if your read the ep description you already know this.....

    Guy Annie shocks off this mortal coil.

  • Comment number 4.

    Follow the Queen! What an excellent idea!

  • Comment number 5.

    Love it! Can't wait to meet this character, he seems very funny! :D

  • Comment number 6.

    Oooh! Another letter awesome :)

    I believe this character's name could be Emry as that's what it says when you click on the picture but I could be wrong.

  • Comment number 7.

    Right there with him on the coffee sizes. You ask for small and you get a bucket.

    I wonder if in Toms cafe when you ask for a latte you get a strange look?

  • Comment number 8.

    If anyone wants to see a scene I'm really proud of writing 307 on the previous blog! I don't think it's advertising if the only thing I stand to gain is a couple of comments but some writing advice wouldn't go amiss if anyone's willing, there are a lot of hilarious writers on here!

  • Comment number 9.

    'Get Helen Mirren to take off her top, forgot I already tried that, ended up dead.' I laughed at first when I read that but then it seemed a bit creepy (won't go any further in case anyone hasn't read the write up for this weeks episode).

  • Comment number 10.

    If hes their...


    neighbour and then I wonder what hes got to say about the past year? I guess it may well explain a lot when he pops up expired next to Annie.

  • Comment number 11.

    Shall we keep the funny stories going on here?

  • Comment number 12.

    Would anyone mind being a darling and transcribing the letter? *hangs head in shame at not being able to understand a word*

  • Comment number 13.

    @lozzie_lo: DEFINITELY!!!

  • Comment number 14.

    11- Yeah! I love them!
    12- I'll try if no one else jumps in and does it first!

  • Comment number 15.

    Definitely, if no one else minds. >.

  • Comment number 16.

    11- Yes keep going they are brilliant :)
    12- A transcript would be useful I can't read much of it either :(

  • Comment number 17.

    Not a scooby.

    I'm sure it'll make sense one day

  • Comment number 18.

    Loving all these letters that come with Series 4! Can't wait to see the person behind this one!

  • Comment number 19.

    First bit: Secret revenge unfinished business list:
    Scare the annoying little snots over the road. (note: must ask Annie if we can make blood run down walls or projectile vomit. If not, why not?)
    Alter the menu at the coffee shop so that all the ‘grande’ signs now read ‘large’ and latte reads milky and cookie is biscuit (I might be there a while).
    Haunt those so called ‘Doctors’ that said nothing was wrong with me.
    Hypochondriac, am I? Let’s see if you’re still saying that when I drag my own dead body into your office. And leave it propped up in your chair. Wearing a dunce’s cap.
    (Note: Unsure where to buy a dunce’s cap? Do they still make them? Also, locate my body from morgue.

  • Comment number 20.

    He's really got terrible hand writing. Had to concentrate really hard to figure out the words.

    Yes, please, keep the stories going! :)

  • Comment number 21.

    Im going to go...but ill try to make a few funny scenes while im gone and ill post them tomorrow evening when ive got time.

  • Comment number 22.

    Second bit: Come to think of it, my own dead body is a great revenge resource. I think it may well be turning up on the doorsteps of quite a few people who have annoyed me over the years (Note: buy wheelbarrow)
    Go to toy shops and vandalise every single toy that bleeps or speaks or honks. Ensure that they never make any kind of noise ever again. You monsters have ruined your last nap!
    Scratch all the records that Mr Parsons refused to lend me. And then put them in the wrong sleeves. And then burn them. Preferably with stupid face watching the whole time.
    Go into the women’s changing rooms at the Athletics Club/swimming pool/gym. Basically, see lots of naked women. But nothing over 50 years old. Sod it, 40.
    You’re only dead once (PS- the exception to the forty years rule is Helen Mirren)

  • Comment number 23.

    Third part:
    Try to possess Helen Mirren. And if it works, gets her to take her top off.
    Oh, forgot. Already tried that. Ended up dead.
    Prove the old saying that queen does actually go to the toilet just like everyone else. (by watching her go to the toilet)
    Go to a spiritualist church and/or séance and see if anyone can see me. If they can’t put superglue in the locks.
    Put laxative in the bitter at the legion (Belonging to the catering corp of the TA gives me just as much right to drink there as any other serviceman and they will rue the day that they rejected my application)
    Eavesdrop at my own funeral. Anyone who speaks ill of me is getting a flat tyre. Probably make my own body sit up. (If closed casket, then knocking will have to do)

  • Comment number 24.

    Last part(4): Slam the gate on the Postman’s finger for all the times he forgot to close it.
    Stand in the middle of the bypass that used to keep me awake in the eighties and moon at the cars (I realise they can’t see me doing it, but it’s the principle that counts)
    Pee in the pool at the leisure centre. (can I still pee? If not at least there’s no more getting up ten times a night).


  • Comment number 25.

    @ everyone! Please keep those wonderful scenes coming I have been laughing so hard. It's been one pig of a day, but you guys have really cheered me up! Thankyou x

  • Comment number 26.

    Evening All! Evening Mods!
    Just caught up with last blog! Brilliant comments! And hey HOW EXCITING IS THAT! MICHAEL SOCHHHHHAA ON THE BLOG ON SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Squeeeee!

    Rebecca! You are FAB!

    Another letter! *goes to read*

  • Comment number 27.

    @Lucia_WillowXD (8) Yeah that entry was really good, I laughed a lot. Especially when Annie threatened not to let him build the pool!

  • Comment number 28.

    This guy is REALLY going to enjoy ghosthood, isn't he? Beats "A-levels, Season 3 of Lost and revenge on all the bullies" into a hole in the ground.

  • Comment number 29.

    Got to go to bed now but I will try to join you tomorrow with a brand new scene! Thanks everyone for the compliments on the last one!

  • Comment number 30.

    @Lucia_WillowXD. Thank you! :D

    *gives carved wooden figurine like the ones Tom makes* A present, for you!

    And I agree, everyone please keep going with the letter/scenes/diary entries - you're absolutely making my day :)

  • Comment number 31.

    “To the Parents/Guardians of Eve Sands

    I am sure that by this stage in the term it will come as no surprise that I writing to inform you that we had a little trouble with Eve in class today. As I am sure you are well aware today was Halloween and we allowed the students to dress up for the day. Whilst I have no objection to the fact that Eve was disinclined to make much of an effort, other than wearing a set of false fangs, I do feel that it was inappropriate of her to inform other children that their own vampire outfits were overly ostentatious and unrealistic, though I must begrudgingly admit I was impressed a five year old could say “ostentatious” – is she educated in vocabulary at home? Furthermore, she threatened a number of children with a crucifix and stake – which was duly confiscated – which caused a lot of distress. I also noted that she seemed genuinely concerned for her own safety.
    Whilst I applaud the sentiment behind her removing the sheet from the head of Timmy Roberts, who incidentally was dressed as a ghost, folding it up and refusing to give it back because “things have to be tidy”, I hope that you will agree that such behaviour cannot be continued. When I explained Timmy’s choice of outfit to her, she seemed quite perplexed and told me I needed to speak to her Auntie.
    Is there something the school should know about?”

  • Comment number 32.

    @Lucia_WillowXD Thanks! Although I understood most of it, there were some bits I couldn't read. Such a funny letter.

    Small off topic bit but I thought I'd say I'm new to this blog, been reading the blog posts and comments. Such an awesome blog, only one I've ever bothered to take part in, so hi to all! :)

  • Comment number 33.

    @31: Re: 27: I second that emotion!

    "We are extremely relieved that you are a more understanding teacher than some we have previously dealt with, and commend you on your excellent attitude to Eve's behaviour.
    Eve has an unfortunate habit of watching through the bannisters whenever the adult occupants of the house watch horror films late at night, which has lead her to believe in many dangerous supernatural creatures.
    We have on occasion described our housemate Annie (addressed by Eve as Auntie) as ghostlike due to her reclusiveness and tendency to remain on the periphery - Eve evidently misheard this as 'ghostly'. We will explain this to Eve tonight, so there should hopefully be no further problems in this area."

  • Comment number 34.

    @ Lucia_WillowXD Thanks so much for the transcript.

    31- Brilliant, I never thought of what Halloween would be like for them. It would be interesting to see. :)

  • Comment number 35.

    I can't believe that Adam:
    a) resisted the urge to make a joke about "Adam and Eve",
    b) never asked who Eve's parents were (I assume he was told offscreen)
    c) actually gave the perfect, most sensitive possible reply to the news of George, Nina and Mitchell's deaths - he asked Annie if *she* was okay. That was so sweet - a word I *never* thought would apply to Adam.

    HOOOOWWWWLLL *munches deer*

  • Comment number 36.

    @a0k666 Hahaha hilarious!
    @JimJamJamieJoo Hello! *waves like the crazy person she is* welcome to the madness!

  • Comment number 37.

    "Dear Guardians of Eve Sands,
    Could you please contact me as soon as possible to discuss Eve's map of South America?
    Yours sincerely,
    Miss Gysir"

  • Comment number 38.

    Ok, I'm gonna try my own little story now, bear with me. ;)

    Eve, aged 15 (experiencing full on puberty):

    Dear Diary!

    I know I should listen to Mum and Dad, I really should. But often it’s so hard and I don’t really want to and well… After the conversation I heard today, I’m determined to try harder in the future. Lesson learned: Eavesdropping is baaad.
    So I come down the stairs and hear Mum and Dad… I know he doesn’t want me to call him that, but to me that’s just what he is. And I think he secretly enjoys hearing it. Why does he want me to suppress my feelings? It’s so unfair…What was I talking about again?
    Ah, yes, the “conversation”. So there I am, sneaking down the stairs to steal some chocolate from behind the bar…note to self: More self-restraint in the future. Chocolate is so bad for my skin, it makes me look all spotty!
    Right, so I hear them arguing in the kitchen and Diary, I just couldn’t help myself. You can understand that, right? And Dad says: “You want me to do what? That’s…that’s…utterly insane!”
    “Hal, don’t you take that tone with me. You know I’m really bad with these kinds of things and she should hear it from someone who can stay reasonable and has experience…”
    “You think I have experience? You want to know how I learned about s*x?”
    “See, at least you can say the “word”…”
    “My ignorance was enlightened by watching my mothers lie with total strangers. I was the result of greed, desperation and need. Is that what you want me to impart on Eve?”
    Now, THAT was already more than I ever wanted to know. There are just some things you don’t want to hear out of your parents’ mouth.
    “Well, would you rather Tom talk to her? You know how he is…”
    That’s when I heard the backdoor open and Tom came in. “Wha’ ya talkin’ about, guys? Isi’ the ol’ topic again? Why can’t I tell her? It’s important she knows it ain’t nothing bad, the bee just has to look and wait fo’ the righ’ flower…”
    “Now, do you agree with me?”
    I heard Dad sigh and I desperately wanted to tell them that I already knew everything about bees and flowers and anything else there was to know. I’m 15 for God’s sake, but how do you tell your family that you’re not their little girl anymore?
    I know Dad lost the fight and one of these days, he will come up and try to talk the “talk”, but it will be just so embarrassing. Diary, what am I gonna do? Help me!

  • Comment number 39.

    @RentAGhost @Lucia_WillowXD Your posts are brill!
    as are everyone elses.

    Wow this guy has really gone to town on his ghosting plans! I'm sure the neighbourhood snots would be more than a little disturbed at seeing blood running down the walls though. I think this man will be annoyed when he finishes his business and his door arrives, too many ideas for haunting people.

    Series 5 as written by the bloggers:

    Toms bomb detonates inside Hals wardrobe, accidentally destroying all his clothes. So he is forced to spend the entire series in one pair of trousers with no top, still not enough money to buy new clothes and he wouldn't be seen undead in any of Toms garments.

    Tom gets/keeps his girlfriend gets to be a bee and builds a lovely swimming pool in the garden, an actual one.

    Eve toddles around being cute and stealing every scene, calls Hal dad.

    Annie makes tea, organises, highlights and goes all mamma bear every so often protecting the litt'lun.

  • Comment number 40.

    @38: well done! I can totally picture that.

  • Comment number 41.

    Dear Parent/Guardian

    In this school we try to give the children as many sporting opportunities as possible, which is why we were delighted to discover Eve's interest in self-defence and martial arts. I would ask, however, that she does not attempt to demonstate these skills on her classmates. Poor little Robbie still hasn't recovered from the ordeal, and the only explanation Eve has given is that she got suspicious when he 'refused to look in a mirror'. Can you make any sense of this strange behaviour?

    We were also very pleased to accept Eve onto the school hockey team, although I must implore that you explain to her the rules on equipment modification. She very nearly got our team disqualified for carving the end of her stick into a point. Any more of that behaviour and I will have no choice but to remove her from the team.

    Thank you

    Eve's P.E teacher

  • Comment number 42.

    "Dear P.E. Teacher,
    My condolences to Robbie; Eve uses mirrors to check around corners when she feels unsafe so possibly there is some connection.
    As for the hockey stick, she has recently watched the film of "St Trinian's" in which similar equipment modification is shown.
    Yours sincerely,
    Harold Barber"

  • Comment number 43.

    (sorry for mostly doing replies from Hal, he's just the easiest to write - plus he'd probably get this job, since Annie would go off-topic and Tom's handwriting probably looks as though it's been carved into the paper with a stick)

  • Comment number 44.

    To the guardians of Eve Sands.
    I feel we have become well acquainted by now, and while I must say Eve's behaviour is improving with each letter sent out, there are still a few things I want to iron out.
    This time it is about her dispute between Ellie, another student in my class.
    The school is aware that she has a rather unorthodox family, and while times are changing it is difficult for a child at such a young and influential age to not be influenced by their parents, it seems Eve may have taken a simple remark and interpreted it the wrong way. Ellie was the child after Eve at the parents evening. Tom was leaving, muttering to "Annie" (who was no where to be seen). Ellie's mum turned to her and said "There are odd people in this world sweetie".
    The next day Ellie allegedly turned to Eve and said "Your dad's odd, isn't he?" To which Eve replied, "What do you mean by that? You're being prejudiced."
    This escalated and it was only stopped when Eve brandished ANOTHER stake, and said "This isn't my favourite but you're small and Duncan II is small."
    It is with regret that I say Eve is suspended until further noticed.
    Please use this time to teach her social skills and possibly send her to anger management. Or a therapist.
    - Mrs Smith.

  • Comment number 45.

    How on earth do you come up with Hal's replies so quickly? I don't know why but the Harold Barber bit makes me laugh even more each time. There really good, keep 'em up!

  • Comment number 46.

    @Megan2345@a0k666 Love it! I've moved myself to a less public space so I can laugh without looking entirely mental.
    @nerdyalice - They should totally let the bloggers write the next series, also love the touch about Tom blowing up Hal's wardrobe, I can see the aftermath now. Annie's is furious, Hal is practically frozen with stress about the mess it has made of his room and Tom's standing around trying to work out why everyone is mad at him and what he has done wrong.

  • Comment number 47.

    "Dear Mrs Smith,
    Eve refuses to tolerate prejudice in any form, though she indeed has yet to learn acceptable methods of tackling it. We will do our best to teach her some aspects of vocal conflict resolution and self-control before her return to school.

    You may wish to inform Ellie and her mother of the existence of wireless headsets for mobile telephones.

    Yours sincerely,
    Harold Barber

  • Comment number 48.

    Is Barber really Hal's surname? And I think Hal -> Harry -> Henry? (that might be my personal dislike of the name Harold though =P)

    I love the little letters/stories! They are great. I love how we all know these characters so well =)

  • Comment number 49.

    Dear Mrs Smith
    Far be it from me to make allegations about another parent, but from where i stand I feel Eve may have been justified in her remark, if not her subsequent action.
    We will have words with her about her behaviour. And to be more tolerant towards shorter children.
    I await your next missive with anticipation.
    Harold Barber

  • Comment number 50.

    @48: Hal probably is Henry. I absentmindedly thought it was Harold at first and it's too late to change it now. Barber is a reference to his 55 years living above a barbershop, with a flatmate who was a barber.

  • Comment number 51.

    @50 omg, I completely missed that lol. Wow, I feel silly now =P I didn't even make the connection!

    *Hangs head in shame*

  • Comment number 52.

    @48 That's weird I had literally just typed out almost exactly what you said about Hal's name (where'd everyone get Barber from and I don't like the name Harold!) clicked refresh before posting and your comment popped up!

    You are all so good at this, I've just had a go but I can't get Tom's voice right so I gave up lol

  • Comment number 53.

    @a0k666 I think Harold actually fits quite nicely, actually prefer that to Henry (for his character not as a name in general) it seems much more 15th century for some reason.

  • Comment number 54.

    @51: I've been far dafter than that on occasion.

    “Dear Guardians of Eve Sands,
    Please could you convince Eve to stop uprooting the fence posts and threatening passers-by with them?
    Yours sincerely,
    Mrs Fullbrook, Nursery Nurse”

  • Comment number 55.

    @38: Love it, that had me in complete stitches!

    @RentAGhost - I can see I'm gonna get a long fine here with you mad people!

  • Comment number 56.

    Dear Harold Barber,
    We have had a talk with Ellie and she is very sorry about what transpired, and when she said that Tom was odd, she meant because he is always in cameo shorts and a tank-top, which considering this is Wales does seem a bit odd. She is also sorry for the fact she didn't notice a wireless headset, as am I.
    Would you like to come in and speak about Eve's re-entering the school? Thus far I have only spoken to Tom, however he has expressed he cannot do tonight as he had other plans.
    -- Mrs Smith.

  • Comment number 57.

    Busy day, been away, but I logged on at 8pm ish. I have spent a brilliant 3 hours reading your amazing posts, and laughing uproariously at the scenes you've written. Thanks to all of you for entertaining me this evening

    I'm off to bed now. I expect dreams of werewolves howling outside, Eve causing trouble at school, Tom building a swimming pool, Annie making tea, and Hal with his top off.

    Good times :D

    N x.

  • Comment number 58.

    53- I agree, I think Harold suits Hal better than Henry. Although I would love to see Hal sign the letters as Lord Harry :)

    54- Still laughing at that, Brilliant :)

  • Comment number 59.

    "Dear Mrs Smith,
    I have a busy schedule but should be available from 2pm-2:30pm tomorrow.

    Tom has a high metabolism hence overheats easily. He does occasionally deign to wear a hooded sweater - I will advise him to do so at future school events.

    Yours sincerely,
    Harold Barber"

  • Comment number 60.

    Dear Parent/Guardian

    As you may be aware, Class 5 always has a 'camp out' in the woods behind the school on the last night of the summer term as a reward for the childrens' hard work. We anticipated that Eve would very much look forward to this, as we have heard many stories of her camping adventures (however, I must add that we will not be skinning rabbits, constucting funeral pyres, carving wood, or any of the other more extreme activities Eve seems to enjoy).

    However, when Eve heard about this camp-out, her only concern seemed to be the date. When I told her it would be a week on Friday, she suddenly lost all interest in attending. In fact, she was adament that it should not take place at all. As far as I could work out, she was concerned about something to do with the moon. Perhaps you could explain the cause of this strange reaction?

    Thank you

    Mrs Smith

  • Comment number 61.

    @a0k666 Hahaha, love that last bit, bit rich Hal commenting on someone else's dress sense, but it's so something that he would do!

  • Comment number 62.

    Dear Mr Harold Barber,
    I am afraid that I am also busy at 2pm-2:30pm, is 3pm okay with you?
    And thank you, he distracts the children.
    Mrs Smith.

  • Comment number 63.

    this is all so funny keep it coming.
    I imagine Hal giving eves future boy friend lesson in how dominoes press ups and lute playing will help them to resist stronger urges and of course Hal will insist that courting is done this way and poor eve will always have the perfect chaperone being Annie

  • Comment number 64.

    Mr Harold Barber,

    I deeply regret to inform you of another incident with Eve at school today, we are currently writing you a letter a week.
    In all my years teaching, I have never come across a student so disruptive and well, barbaric!
    Eve's lastest venture was to reenact the battle of Orsha on the school playing field.
    I have never known a student of Eves young and fragile age that has even heard of such battles; let alone watch one raging across a field, crying out in russian, using a tree branch as a lance.
    The girl frigtened off several boys, more than twice her size from the year above. She interupted a football match, forced 3 girls into a large patch of mud and pounced on a child that pointed at her earlier in the day. She told him she would have him flayed if he did it again. Most obscure language for a child in my opinon.
    It took 2 teachers, myself and 4 lunchtime staff to calm down the situation. She has single handedly terrorised not only her year, but the entire school.
    Little Ellie is a nervous wreck, did you realise Eve threatened to tie her up in the cellar at your home? She told her she would do it in time for the next full moon? I found this most confusing.
    Robbie has have to have councelling after the PE debacle last week.

    Yours sincerly
    Mrs Smith

  • Comment number 65.

    Dear Mrs Smith.

    I am afraid that I am otherwise occupied at that time. My physical health is very fundamental for my mental well-being and hence I cannot allow to miss my scheduled run at 2.52 PM. I apologize for the inconvenience.


    Harold Barber

  • Comment number 66.

    Can I just say that I am honoured that the teacher has the same last name as me. I truly am. :3

  • Comment number 67.

    @nerdyalice - russian... tree branch... lance... in stitches, crying with laughter

  • Comment number 68.

    @60: "Dear Mrs Smith,
    Eve rather enjoys astronomy, and star observation is difficult when the moon is in its larger phases. Since this is one of the few activities from her previous camping experiences which she will be permitted to partake in during this event, it is understandable that she is upset. Would you possibly consider scheduling the 'camp-out' a few days earlier? It would, after all, enable the provision of an additional education experience for the entire class.
    Yours sincerely,
    Harold Barber"

    @62: "Dear Mrs Smith,
    I'm afraid that I have an exercise class at 3pm but will be available from 4:30pm to 4:50pm the same day.

    Tom has agreed to wear his hooded sweater to school events on condition that he is permitted to remain in shorts.

    Yours sincerely,
    Harold Barber"

  • Comment number 69.

    Dear Harold Barber,
    In that case is Annie available? Eve has mentioned her a few times.
    Mrs Smith.

  • Comment number 70.

    @64: Oh my God! That. Made. My. Day!
    "crying out in Russian, using a tree branch as a lance." :D

  • Comment number 71.

    64- Amazing, so so funny. I can barely type for laughing so much. Brilliant :)

  • Comment number 72.

    Ok so before this starts can I just point out that "a'ut" is my best attempt at a phonetic translation of the way Tom says "out".

    *Hal searching room to room, baby Eve held far out in front of him, baby sick on his shirt*
    Hal: “Annie… Annie… Annie, this isn’t in the slightest bit amusing, I really would rather if you could come here for a moment!”
    Tom: “Ev’ry fing awrigh’ there ‘al?”
    H: Not particularly. It would seem Eve’s stomach has disagreed with her milk yet again and she has seen fit to vacate its contents onto my shirt.”
    T: “You what?”
    H: “Can you just take her for a moment?”
    *hands baby over, goes to sink, starts scrubbing shirt*
    H: “Where is Annie anyway?”
    T: “She wen’ f’r a walk, said she needed ‘air’ or summat…”
    H: “Why on earth would she do that? It clearly says on the rota that she is meant to have Eve from three till four, and on my rota it also plainly says that I am meant to be working on my matchstick models of the Spanish Armada. I’m in the process of constructing the masts and it really requires some time and concentration. What did she say when she left?”
    T: “Nufing, jus’ tha’ she was goin’ a’ut. I was jus’ in the garden diggin’ an’ she came a’ut, righ’, an’ -”
    H: “Digging?”
    *Looks up, pauses, soap dripping from marigolds and shirt*
    T: “Yeah, f’r my swimmin’ pool. Fine’ly go’ goin’ wiv it.”
    *puffs out chest proudly*
    H: “Your swimming… Tom,” *pause, closes eyes, takes deep breath* “please tell me you haven’t uprooted the entire garden?”
    T: “Not all’v i’, jus’ the bit a’ the far end like, you won’ need t’ worry ‘bout space or nufing ‘al, I’ve marked i’ all a’ut proper an’ ev’rything.”
    H: “Great… just great… No wonder Annie has absconded. So does this mean that thanks to your idiocy we have to look after the baby until such time as Annie sees fit to return?”
    *stretches soggy shirt out in front of him and examines it critically*
    T: “I ‘spose. I can look afte’ Eve f’r a bit ‘al, jus’ till Annie cooms back like.”
    *Hal glances suspiciously, his mind on tiny model ships*
    H: “Well I suppose it will keep you out of the garden at any rate. God knows what the neighbours are going to think. Right, that’s decided then, you look after Eve for the next hour, then after that if Annie still hasn’t returned we can establish all needs to be done. I’ll draw up a list.”

    To be continued...

  • Comment number 73.

    Dear Mr Barber
    I am writing to inform you that after a full staff meeting, we have come to the decision that Eve's behaviour has left us with little option but to request she be removed from the school forthwith. The incident with the dead rat and the bake sale really did take the biscuit, as it were.
    Perhaps another local institution would take her in, she is after all a highly intelligent girl.
    With best wishes for yourself and Eve's future education.
    Mrs Smith

  • Comment number 74.

    @64: "Dear Mrs Smith,
    Once again, my deepest sympathy and sincerest apologies. Eve recently attended a historical re-enactment of the Battle of Orsha, which has piqued her interest (indeed, she has been acting similarly in the garden to your account of her playground behaviour). She does not always realise that some children are more nervous than she is, though I will once again speak to her on the subject.

    Our basement contains exercise equipment including a punchbag; Eve occasionally threatens to put curmudgeonly neighbours inside the punchbag to be struck by an unsuspecting athlete. Evidently she has replicated this threat at school.

    Please reiterate my heartfelt condolences to Robbie, and my best wishes for his speedy recovery.

    Yours sincerely,
    Harold Barber"

  • Comment number 75.

    @72: wow, that's the best rendition of Tom's accent I've ever seen!

  • Comment number 76.

    @69: "Dear Mrs Smith,
    Annie, our housemate, suffers from severe agoraphobia and is hence unable to attend any meetings or school events. (Incidentally, your persistent confiscation of the flasks of tea provided for Eve by Annie is further undermining the unfortunate woman's confidence.)
    Yours sincerely,
    Harold Barber"

  • Comment number 77.

    Dear Harold Barber,
    I am sorry to hear of Annie's severe agoraphobia, and I express that I meant no offence for taking the numerous flasks of tea's, and I never wanted to undermine her confidence.
    Once again, I apologise.
    Mrs Smith.

  • Comment number 78.

    Stuff ur list al (says under breath)
    annie returns
    Hal glares sorry looks and says to annie
    Annie it clearly states on the list we agreed too that you would have eve
    Annie replies Hal i needed some fresh air ROOM TO BREATH
    hal looks at tom tom looks at Hal
    And tom says Annie is there any thing you want to tell us bout annie

  • Comment number 79.

    Your 'phonetic translation' of Toms accent is far better than mine, and I'm actually from the midlands!

  • Comment number 80.

    @AOK, RENTIE and all the wonderful bloggers who keep us posted about Eve kindergarten years

    I am all agog to learn if Eve has made any progress in Chinese or foreign language> Broad Yorkshire does not count as foreign though

  • Comment number 81.

    @80: well, she was shouting in Russian - I guess she's at least reached the "two beers please, allergic to dairy products" level...

  • Comment number 82.

    You're from the Midlands?
    *Jumps up and down and does a George squeal* Me too!
    But I don't speak like Tom.
    I speak like Hal. It annoys everyone.

  • Comment number 83.

    @aok81 That's true, she may have her Dad's aptitude for languages. Actually now I think of it, I'm a bit concerned they might neglect her religious education, all these crosses and her dad was jewish!

  • Comment number 84.

    72 continued

    *Annie rentaghosts into the front room at HH*
    *Hal is perched on the sofa holding Eve upright on Tom’s back*
    *Tom is on all fours*
    *Both look up guiltily*
    *There is a long pause*
    Annie: “Should I even ask what you three are doing?”
    Hal: “Since you saw fit to completely disregard the rota, which by the way you made, Tom and I have been entertaining Eve - all afternoon.”
    A: “Right, and what is…” *waves questioningly at Tom and the baby* “…this?”
    H: “It’s a history lesson; it’s never too early to start getting to grips with world history.”
    Tom: “I’m bein’ an ‘orse an’ Eve’s like a knigh’ in shinin’ armour.”
    A: “Riiiiight…”
    H: “We’re re-enacting the Battle of Orsha if you must know. Eve has a shield and everything, you see?”
    *picks up red plate and holds it in front of the baby*
    *Annie is speechless*
    T: “Afte’ ‘al finished wiv ‘is matchstick boats, we weren’ goin’ t’ swap ra’un again, ‘cos on the rota i’ says I were mean’ t’ ‘ave ‘er. But then ‘al weren’t doin’ nuthin’ an’ he said I prob’ly shudn’ be showin’ all me stakes t’ the baby anyway ‘cos she’d grow up wiv a complex or summat, an’ then where w’ud we be? So we started doin’ this.”
    *Annie looks from Tom to Eve*
    *Eve burbles happily and bashes the red shield – ahem – plate*
    *Annie looks at Hal*
    *Hal shrugs*
    *Annie walks out*

  • Comment number 85.

    @Hominid: me too with the boring RP accent, I'm from Devon but moved around a lot and just sound very boringly rootless. :o(

  • Comment number 86.

    Same! I even tweet in that accent!
    Everyone always called me posh at school, so glad I'm not the only one.

  • Comment number 87.

    RentAGhost you really are very good at writing Tom's voice! I have learned this evening that I can't do it at all lol! But then I do live in the south and always have done, if I went any further south I'd be in the sea! I don't really have an accent either, wish I did I think it's boring not to!

  • Comment number 88.

    YYYYYYYyrrrargggrgrgrgrggrgrgrgrgrg>... Sorry! just bin aaatt for a bit of howlin' in me woods (spits out bit of deer fur, stuck in teeth) Its an ansum moon my lovelies.

    What are you lot like?? this is far better than chasing Bunnies, TV or Swimming pools.... the "Prime of Miss Eve Sands"
    "Tales of Evetrix Potter"
    " 'Aaas a' Pooh Corner" (aka HH heights)

    They are all Bleddy Brilliat and I've bin in stitches (Hurts more than a transformation larrfing at all the alternative tales)

    168. Scotch mist Afore I fergets – BUNNYS MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! thank you....for your consideration; Got any 'aggis 'ave ee?

  • Comment number 89.

    Sometimes I sound like a *pirate , with pronouncing my r's. But then it's Tamworth so you're dead and centre, any accent is here. Especially Derby. :3
    *farmer, but what's the difference?

  • Comment number 90.

    @Hominid96 Pirates get better outfits?

  • Comment number 91.

    Rats! I may have found a flaw in my cherished Hal is Cutler's maker theme. Fergus doesn't mention a connection, in 'The Graveyard Shift', you'd think Fergus would know. But then again it would depend how late Hal made Cutler, and how long it is since Fergus last saw Hal. Hmm,

  • Comment number 92.

    Again, flawless logic. :3

  • Comment number 93.

    to err is human, to arrr is pirate....

  • Comment number 94.

    Pirates are awesome.
    I'm from Leicester, where everone seems to either talk like a chav and lacks the ability to pronounce the end of their words or has no accent at all.

  • Comment number 95.

    @carry on guys
    carry on

    what about Art class and visits to the odd Old Mansion, Hall, Castle and naturally the foreign exchange student?

  • Comment number 96.

    91 @oletaolyta
    I wrote my theory on Hal/Cutler on the scroll: part 5 blog at 86.
    I don't think I will post it again but it was along those same lines, that Hal turned Cutler between 1855 and 1955. I was guessing 1905.

    You know when the OOs arrive I have a feeling they will come inside a crate on the container ship, that box... I mean crate will be green.

    *Mr Snow rises out of green box, several polystyrene wotsits fall off as he gets out, a few stay attached making the OO look like an idiot, someone laughs, a gurgling sound is heard, their head lands at his feet*

  • Comment number 97.

    polysterene wotsits lol! God I haven't laughed this much in ages, you lot are all amazing.

  • Comment number 98.

    Dear Mr Barber,

    While I always encourage my art students to experiment with different media. I was very concerned to hear Eve discuss the merits of Human skin as an option, even more disturbingly she seemed somewhat knowledgeable about her subject. Please could you give me a plausible explanation for this?

    Miss Royce
    Art Teacher

  • Comment number 99.

    Dear Mr Barber
    I am writing to inform you that we are having a little trouble with Eve in her GCSE Art class. Whilst I am not questioning her prodigious artistic skills, I do feel the need to raise concerns about her subject matter. She is by no means the first student to show a desire to focus on gothic themes, but I admit to being slightly perturbed by the level of gory detail she displays in her work. Particularly her depiction of a throat which seems to have been, well the only appropriate word would be “chewed.”
    I have attempted to discuss this with Eve, but she informed me that I couldn’t disturb her concentration whilst painting and rushed off at the end of class insisting that she had to stick to her timetable rigidly.
    Can you enlighten me at all about this?
    Yours truly,
    Mrs Harper

  • Comment number 100.

    Has anyone else been having trouble seeing/posting comments? I either can't see them at all or get a red box, not the time limit one another one saying I that comments aren't working, but others are still coming up? Anyway what I wanted to say is, LOL @ polystyrene wotsits! XD

    And there is a nice little spoiler-free teaser for episode 6 here from SFX http://www.sfx.co.uk/2012/03/08/being-human-puppy-love-spoiler-free-preview/


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