Mongrels: Vince and Nelson answer your questions
From Chris Childs: Vince, Who keeps following you around with that machine that goes *bleep* all the time? Can hardly hear a word you're saying!
VINCE: Ah it's all some bull*bleep* BBC thing. So now I've got some *bleep* in a tie telling me I'm not allowed to swear on TV. The 'Taste & Decency' *bleep*.
From Deejay Maximus: Nelson and Vince, What's better boggle, sex or sex whilst boggling?
NELSON: Oh crumbs, now you're asking. OK, so...on balance I would probably have to say...Boggle. For one, you can do it with anyone from ages 'eight to adult'. For two, it's quite portable so you can play it, for example, on the train. And for three, as long as you don't run out of the little jotter pads, you can pretty much keep playing it forever!
From Lara Ryan: Nelson, What is your idea of the perfect day?
NELSON: Ah, good question Lara. I'll say coffee and croissant in bed with the Sunday Telegraph, quick spot of antiquing, afternoon tea at Browns, sneaky crossword, cheeky nap, dinner with friends somewhere disgustingly expensive, finished off with an evening of Ben Elton-penned musical theatre!
From Stu Mc: Vince, Were you the hardest of the litter?
VINCE: Course I was. And do you know why Stu? Because when me and all my brothers and sisters were still in my mother's *bleep*...
NELSON: Womb, Vince. Technically you were in her womb.
VINCE: ...I beat the living *bleep* out of them every single day from the moment we were just tiny little spunks until the day we were born. Matter of fact, my youngest brother was so scared of me, one day he shat himself. To death.
NELSON: Benjamin Zephaniah! That's a horrible story.
VINCE: Yeah well, it's like I always say innit, "Life's a *bleep*."
From Scott Monty Field: Nelson, ever tried cat-nip? NELSON: Uh-uh. It's a slippery slope. Nelson says: "Just say no, kids!"
VINCE: ... Hold up. Did you just call Scott Monty Field a *bleep*?
VINCE: Right. In that case, may I?
NELSON: If you absolutely must.
VINCE: Alright Scott, me old *bleep*?
From R: Nelson, tell us about "The Divine Miss Vulpine"
NELSON: Oh, yes I'm glad you asked about that actually because I've had a lot of negative reaction to this among the animal community. Basically, right, I did it one time, for a laugh, for a couple of mates. Next thing you know, I'm being asked to do corporate events, private functions, hotel visits...Look, I was young, I was naïve, it was Blair's Britain! The boom years! Things were different back then! I mean, 'let he cast the first stone who hasn't dressed up as a woman and performed a private burlesque show for a lonely Taiwanese fund manager!' Right?
From L2A: Vince, if you had twenty-four hours to live and only had time to fight one famous human, who would it be and why?
VINCE: Who's that Welsh *bleep* who reads the news?
NELSON: Huw Edwards?
NELSON: Him? Why him?!
VINCE: Dunno. Just feel like it.
NELSON: Mental. Absolutely bloody mental.
From Luge: Vince, I assume you are the fox that keeps eating my sister's chickens. Do you know that my nephew gets upset every time you do it? And also what did you do with the rabbits you horrible *bleep*?
VINCE: Yeah. It's me. I'll hold my hands up. As for your nephew, consider it a lesson in life from your lovely uncle Vince.
NELSON: Sorry, what sort of lesson?
VINCE: The sort of lesson that teaches you that all chickens are dirty scumbag *bleep*s. NELSON: Right. I'd say that probably comes under Sociology.
VINCE: As for the missing rabbits, all I'll say is this...I *bleep*ed them. Then I ate them.
NELSON: OK, that's just unhygienic. Frankly. I mean no wonder you're always catching colds.
From Rycochet: Nelson, What do you use on your fur to keep it so red and glossy? I've tried everything and I just can't get my tail to look that fabulous.
NELSON: OK Rycochet, quick tip, if it's a hot day or if you're holidaying somewhere muggy i.e. visiting a pen-pal in the South of France, simply apply a healthy squirt of good quality conditioner in the morning, then leave it in until bedtime. It'll keep your tail looking lush and full of life all day!
VINCE: My god. You don't half talk some *bleep*.
NELSON: Says you. With the split-ends.
From Joel Hopwood: Vince, Did you just call me a *bleep*?
NELSON: He did. I heard him. Sorry.
You can watch the next episode of Mongrels TOMORROW at 11pm.
Special thanks to Mongrels writer Jon Brown.