More features

It was a big mistake.

Max's routine was ruined immediately. He wouldn't sleep at all I regretted going almost as soon as we arrived.

I reached a new low. Planning was my main problem. I just couldn't look past tomorrow. I regularly started to panic about not being able to cope and what might happen to Max.

Seeking help

When we returned home I sought help from an organisation called Cruse, a voluntary group set up to help those affected by grief.

It wasn't long until I was able to form some sort of a plan. The starting point was deciding what I definitely did not want for Max or myself.

In my mind I had more than most would ever have, so I decided that playing the victim really wasn't for me.

Max was my priority. The way I saw it only a long-term happy daddy could yield a good upbringing for him.

Initially we experimented by living with my sister and her husband but I soon realised it was a short-term solution.

New home

My home had always been in built-up areas, but urban living wasn't going to be the best way of life for us. So we set about finding a place in a more rural area.

I still had concerns so renting seemed like a good idea. I'd never lived on my own before, let alone with a child. This way we wouldn't be trapped in one place if things didn't work out.

As it transpired, I needn't have worried.

We have a lovely little bungalow, which suits all our needs and we're only a short walk from everything we need. Max has made plenty of new friends.

Things were falling into place and Max seemed perfectly happy with the new life we'd made for ourselves.

But what about me?

I also needed a purpose aside from being a parent. What had I always longed to do and how would this affect our future?

It was time to explore my ambitions. To be honest, I've only ever had two: helicopters and writing. Max wasn't very keen on the first so we agreed that the second was probably more viable.

Time is precious for any parent, especially those that have to do it all on their own. But I managed to complete a freelance writing course in the spare moments I could find.

Max starts at a local nursery in September, so hopefully I'll have a bit more time on my hands to hone my writing skills.

He's ready and excited about nursery – it'll be me that'll struggle the most without our daily adventures. That's why I thought it wise to pursue a career I enjoy, rather than settle for soul-destroying job, just for the sake of money.

My life

My attitude to life is much more flexible than before Samantha died. I'll make sure Max grows to know his mum as best he could. She was an amazing person and she'll always be in his heart.

The hardest part is that Sam and I had a plan. We didn't know what we were doing next week but we did know where we'd be when we were older.

Max and I will progress together. No-one quite knows what tomorrow will bring but hopefully it will all be positive from now on.

^{To contact Cruse Bereavement Care, visit: www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk}