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24 September 2014
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voices2005


David Brent puts his feet up
People, let's do some blue-sky thinking!

Management-speak

Hi, we just wanted to touch base with you about the latest bleeding-edge technologies in the field of top-down, user-centred, interpersonal solutions. Translation: "share your experiences of management-speak".


Management-speak is part of the framework of life in the M4 corridor, from Slough Trading Estate to Green Park. It's an impressive way of dressing up quite simple concepts so that they appear more impressive than they really are.

Marketing departments tend be real experts in this area - if anyone can put a pig in a dress and call it grandma, they can! For example, Private Eye magazine runs a series called "Solutions" containing gems like "inter-paper fastening solutions" (staplers).

A favourite pastime among Thames Valley workers is "b******* bingo", where everyone sits in the meeting with lists of meaningless business phrases, ticking them off as the boss says them.

What are the best/worst words and phrases you've heard or even used? Here are a few to get you going...

"bring to the table"
"going great guns"
"jump through hoops"
"pro-active"
"actionable"
"incentivise"
"impact" (used as a verb)
"leverage" (used as a verb)
"there is an issue around..."
"take it to the next level"
"an exercise in box-ticking"
"out of the loop"

Author some synergies and get all your ducks in a row by adding your management-speak in the box below.

last updated: 27/01/05
Have Your Say
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The BBC reserves the right to edit comments submitted.

Sarah
We keep a running office tally, here are a few golden examples...Data CleanseR&D (research and Development)Slipped off my horizonDrill downBottomed outFlesh outBed outPut a pin in itFYIXYZLocked DownGrill itBaseline InformationFlagged UpSuck the marrow out of a situationIn the first instanceKick it into the Long GrassPunch above our weightOutside of the boxASAPGraft awayBigger PictureRolled outPDP

Aaron
"Work smarter, not harder." = Keep working as hard as usual, but quit being a dumbass. wtf?

Georgia
Another day, Another penny

Leon
Our filing cabinets are now "client data farms". My notice is going in tomorrow.

Alex
goalset. oh god goalset.

Rita
Incenticize

Festus
I love making up meaningless management-speak and feeding it to the boss, just to have him regurgitate it in board meetings. One of my favourites is 'Let's get the hamster back on the wheel' and 'We need to burst the lemming on this one'.

Eoghan
Going Forward

Ziggy
At the end of the day. At the end of the day I plan on being in bed.

Nazzer
"I'm sorry about yesterday Lauren, I was so close to the elephant all I could see was grey..."

Dean M-Brisbane Australia
Some phrases i get sick of are-"Lets do lunch"or "It's all good" as in "I need to change the date for our meeting"; response "It's all good" of course usually it's not.Years ago i worked for a company that made clothes lines but they were marketed as "Outdoor solar powered clothes dryers".When i first read that I thought they must have had a new product in development.I had only worked there 3 years.

Jo
"It's really the only caterpiller in the salad, shall we say." Um, what?

Dilbert
We need to leverage our resources in order to harness the new paradigm. When was the last time you synthesized? Think lateral, think synergy, think user-defined, but don't think all three at the same time.

Ruth
Ducks in a rowLow hanging fruitStrawman processGranularityDrill downTop down/bottom upDeep dive (is it just me who thinks that sounds dirty?)

Layla
Can we please implement the above 'evolutions' before deciding which one to take forward....yes i received this in an email this morning. ugh.

Al
I'm trying to introduce random management speak type words and see people's reactions. Came up with 'unsquiggle' for straightening things out. Used twice today without an eyelid batted!

James
We need to KSOR. Translation "Keep Show On Road" PLEASE!!!

Kiwi
Don't cross your bridges before they hatch.

Eddie Backflip
We're going to see if we can crack the Onion.

karen
Apparently, the word "contact" is too bland. I hear, "Reach out to..." instead. Excuse me while I gag.

joanna
going forwardpre prepareand also in additiongrrr...

Norms
Like trying to drink from a fire hydrant = too much information.We just need to polish the apple (draw your own conclusions there, but I'm not polishing anyone's apple)

sara
My manager uses the word "concretise" (or should that be with a "z")meaning to make concrete. Is this a real word?

Nico
Squeeze that out of your backside, and wipe it !

Jeff
"I want to be kept in the loop" Translation - "I need to look busy so that no-one notices that I don't actually have anything to do"

Adam
I just caught myself saying "Pushing the right buttons" - I hate myself.

Caroline Andrews
I deplore the increasing use of "myself", "ourselves" and "yourself" instead of "me", "us" and "you". At one place where I used to work I received a letter which began "In respect of the letter of the ..." (date) "... from ourselves to yourselves ...". What?! What's wrong with "... the letter we sent to you on ..." (date)?

Penny
My manager is looking for the low hanging fruit aka the quick wins!

Skee
I cringe every time somebody says, 'That's a mute point.' The word is MOOT not mute!!!

Gemma Barclay
'Armitage Shanks Interface Scenario' - (i.e. go to the toilet) .... from 'The Day Today' TV series.

Christine
My boss tried this one when playing bingo and no one noticed "Lets roll it out and see if the cat licks it."

Jonathan
I have given you the ball, now it is time to go play with it!

Matt
As a teacher I am regularly asked to 'Unpack' terms e.g. "Lets unpack the term School". Fantastic.

Wolf
"We'll put that in the management microwave and wait for it to go ping.....", "Lets park that idea in the corporate layby, but we'll leave the engine running..." or my personal favorite "Having and tearing"

Leon
Some i hear often working for the D.W.P. - "integral compliance", "introspective development", "pro-active", "non-sectional synergistic deployment", "ticks all the boxes", "globalised policies", also we rarely have meetings anymore, we have "face time" to make sure that "it's all pointing north", and before sending information to another department, the email has to "have a primary scan by a gatekeeper for QA purposes".

Mike
“touch base”

Jon
‘Take the extra mile’

James
Going forward (aka from now on)Reach out (aka ask)

Sally
Thanks for the heads up Sally!

Alex
our school is run like a business most of the time... we have been called "reactive learners" "team individuals" (i kid you not) and we have been encouraged to "cascade" some of our thoughts with our "learning advisor". What a joke.

Tina
Phrases I've come across"It's finger in the air""It's gone tits up""Muppets""Jack of all trades""Incrementalise""Value add""Rubbish""Hold them by the hand"

Aden
My boss starts every sentence with... "fundamentally".

Andy
We need a Straw Man by this time tomorrow, and we'll discuss the outcome at the next Town Hall meeting.

faith
"traction" is the new one to look out for. Context - "we need to refocus and traction". Hilarious! Ticks all the boxes:1. Is meaningless2. Could be replaced by a much more appropriate word.3. Has the effect of confusing anyone who is involved in the meeting.4. Completely misuses the word which bears no relation to the context.Classic!

Betty Burns
These are all phrases actually used by the Management in my company in the last few years:"Would all Managers please cascade this information to the next level.""transverse co-operation""seeding environments""performing through teaming""organic growth""strategic vertical markets""360 degree feedback"

Kerry
"It will allow us another bite of the cherry." Urrrgh.

bleasdale
you can't make an omelette without building bridges

Paul B
Well this is real octopus of a problem but if we all each grab a tentacle then I'm sure we will find a solution.

Elaine
Put that on your radar !!!

Colin Hoggett
"Leave it with me" (you're wasting your breath), & "communicating the methodology" (tell them what you want them to do) - I kid you not!

Joanne
Are you ready for the fire up??!! We're doing really well on the bread and butter stuff. We'll have a bit of a chinese parliament later on to see how we can tackle the big hitters! -ridiculous!

Mike Epperly
10,000 mile high view!argh!!!

Rick
....Ok, let me just run this one up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it!

mark atkinson
'a piece of work' a pile of worthless bulky papers passed by a committte

Mook
Profits. Projects. People.

Gem
'Going forward' and my bosses favorite 'well its a bit like everything'

Ant
There's no I in TEAM, but there's no U and very often no F

Lumberg
Maximize one-to-one interfaces to explore non-vertical relationships while implementing synergistic metrics to productize both front and back-end client experiences.

marie wilson
I hate "thinking outside the box"

Cristof
my favorites lately have been..."marrying up" contentand "baking in" contentsuch as: "I was thinking this content would be more baked in"

C & D
Get your ducks in a line!

Dana Dee
In our office we never had "problems"... we had "challenges." GAG.

Bill
synergyaction itemin terms ofmoving forwardwin-win situation

DOD
We need to get the monkey off our back, bite the bullet, hit the ground running then belly up to the bar, whilst all swinging from the same branch...on this one.

Pat
How about 'We need to BAUify this' 'riding side saddle with IT' or the gem 'systems handshake across the estate' I nearly choked on my coffee laughing.

Meat Popsicle
Our HR Dept. have deployed a new slogan company wide "Talk to somone who cares".Ha!

Carl Stansfield
"At this moment in time" oh you mean now!!

massaker
Sales people have to complete their dashboards. Meaning: have to report on last week's results.

Alexander
Some quotes used in our HR dept. (where I actually work) * We are looking for someone who is willing "to go the extra mile" (= work at least 12h a day)* Do not say : "There is a hiring freeze", but use : "there is a hiring slow-down" instead.* You're not quite the fit. (= you suck)

David
Following a debating method we learnt, we now all have to 'put on different hats':Put on the white hat: give me facts and figuresPut on the green hat: brainstorm on this or thatPut on the blue hat: synthesize thisPut on the yellow hat: give me plusesDon't put on the black hat: don't give me the negative aspects of this ideaPut on your red hat: tell me how you feel about this or that.This list is not improvised. We really must use these terms. Har Har Har ...

David
"The go-live is put in the freezer" Huh???Reads as follows: the start-up is postponed... Used by our CEO to indicate that the new computer software will probably not make the deadline...What a jerk...

David
This one is translated from Dutch: Pour this item in the barrel.Meaning: start working on it...

pocus
well, in our organization, you no longer have a face-to-face with the boss (as if that didn't make you squirm, anyway), oh no! You go on in there and have a BILATERAL. Oh yes, a BILATERAL. In which you do all the blue-sky thinking and constantly repeat that you are utterly in favour of the new "can do, will do" initiative.

Rich
After asking one of our technical team about how this new system thingy worked, instead of saying "The same as the old one mate" he said "The interface functionality is identical"

ahamad
A phrase commonly used is "someone has to look out of the window!"

Dan
Can a recruitment agent go one phonecall without using the terms 'really bubbleling' and get your fingers really dirty with some 'hot products'?

David
U and I are in solution.

David
An IED is an 'Improvised Empowering Debate' - formerly Brainstorming - usage -"Let's achieve solutions with a rapid IED." A shared desk or phone is now a 'Hot Desk' or 'Hot Phone'.

Ruth Mitchell
Theres no I in team but there is a me

Ruth Mitchell
"Putting clear blue water between oursleves and the competiton!"

Jenny
"There is no point working to a launch and then finding a house of cards."

Mark Lyndon
I finally got some face time with him and as his line manager I ran this thought grenade past him, that the bottom line mandated that it wasn't rocket science to think outside the box. It was a no brainer that the audit trail would impact on the ball park. Not the sharpest knife in the box he'd brigaded the sheep dip, reinventing the wheel as he did so. It was a wake up call that being a team player on the gound and using joined up thinking had to be an integral part of his core competencies. There was no such thing as a free lunch, after all.

Justine Barry
"People we need to get out of our silo thinking"

jonathan peak
Agenda Item1) taking our issues forward

Mark
'Going forward''Granularity' (=detail)'Provision (verb)' (=to provide)Using the adjective 'business' before any noun ('business breakfast' to 'business leisure')'Bandwidth' (=ability to concentrate on or absorb)'Collateral' (=materials, text)

Philip
Personally I think that all this talk should be cascaded and then we should all play in the corporate waterfall...

Sue
We need to eat our own dog food.

Simon
Listen up, people. I want you all to go out there create synergistic win-wins that positively impact the bottom line.

Daniel
I heard some say yesterday that we shouldn't take up too much 'real estate' with our PowerPoint presentation. I think he meant we should try and reduce the number of words on the slide.

John Calwell
There is no "I" in team, but there is meat(?).

Tom
Maximise your IBQ (Intelligent Building Quotient)

Fabricious
Management are now using the words "thought shower" as "brain storming" is sooo last season.

Ru
"Let's diarize and book-in a hook up to discuss ball park figures"

PAY
"I had an interface with John last week."

david jones
i got a good one,lets unpackand meld when weve got a window

Brian
Lets "Circle Back" on that next week

ron baynes
There is a revolting useage fad proliferating like a rogue virus. I mean the use of "around" in sentences such as "I have studied the issues around" infant nutrition,or nuclear power" (or whatever) which suggests a floral arrangement which may be picturesque but hardly an appropriate metaphor. Anyway What's wrong with "on" or even "related to." ?

quemino
Let's touchbase next week to strategize on what to reiterate to the key players in regard to the concrete deliverables.

Chris Webb
OK, let's brainstorm and run it up the flagpole. Then we can roleplay - one team member wearing their customer 'hat', and the other wearing their service provider 'hat'. At a rough guesstimate, I'm sure if we all liaise we could soon hit the ground running.

Nicole
"behind the power curve..."

justin watts
ill have more faith in thinking outside the box when i actually witness thinking inside the box.

Joe
"Paradigm Shift" As in: "there's been a paradigm shift in the baked beans market" where the hell did this come from?

Alan
It's good to see you all thinking outside the box! Now lets step up to the plate and stretch the envelope!!

David
This idea needs fine-tuning an action is in the pipeline

TAL
"We need to get out of fire fighting mode" "What is your load like over the next few days" I am really curious about when these terms are started and by who.

Jerry
"lets start by picking the low hanging fruit"

AC
"I'll come down and walk the floor"

AC
Hey! for 10 grand,anything's possible

Pascal C
I like to come down and walk the floor with our customers. Translation you pay us money you never see me again

Out Of My System
" I think we should all take a holistic view of the situation..."

Grenadier
Thought grenade: an explosively good idea. Utter nonensense but there you go.

Do I need to go to that meeting?
A: If you are currently engaged in valued added initiatives, then you can skip this opportunity to exchange information regarding these strategic directives relating to our divisions scorecard goals and objectives.

Paul Lodge
An email title "Checking in...update on our new operating model" -what the?

Jon E.
"There is no 'I' in TEAM." Yes, and there is no 'U' either!

Andy B
Lets not forget - Keeping everything in swimming lanes and taking a helicopter view of the situation - who are these people???

Harry Leeder
"Lets pull stumps"

KB
"...using a bespoke methodology..." (Huh?)

Phil
"...what we need is an evergreen solution."

Peter
Another one just arrived, it's an ad in which we talk about'incentivisation'.

Peter
I have just received a draft of a sponsoring campaign that we are going to do for a cancer charity and unsurprisingly it states in big letters ‘LONG-TERM INVESTING’.

Peter - Bradford
We are looking at a rationalization process across the enterprise. (There will be loads of redundancies, no one is safe or get out while you can)

LisaMarie Urban
Please "cascade" this information to all employees. (Just make sure everyone gets a copy, no excuses!)

LisaMarie Urban
We are "socializing" those items, numbers, reports, etc. with others on the team. (We are preparing them for a big shock...)

LisaMarie Urban
The person is leaving our company to pursue personal interests. (They got fired.)

LisaMarie Urban
That person is currently seeking opportunities out side of the organization. (They got Fired.)

T. Jepson
Re-engineered motivational hub

Neil Springate
One of the best I have heard is "I'd like to stir-fry some ideas in your mind-wok" !

Kenny
My boss is apparently a 'poacher turned gamekeeper'. He keeps his pheasants in a 'clear line of sight' on his 'radar screen'!

Dave
We crafted a robust solution to resolve the challenging issues ("We fixed it.")

Bill in Nanaimo BC, Canada
Saw a good advert for company offering pay in advance burial services - "Think outside the box"

catman
First statement from our new manager. WOW!! "The new organizational structure will accelerate our ability to leverage synergies across our business units and deliver superior customer solutions in all our key markets", added Andy Fraser, Managing Director, Finning Group, UK.

John Francis
Yes, but will your primary colours stick to the velcro?

Dolly
lets not work in silo's or silo thinking. We are working in treacle people! Lets Ronseal it! Love it!!!!!!!!!

Brian Reynolds
Helicopter Man - has the ability to take off at the first sign of trouble.

Ian G
"Grey area" something that the Boss can't explain or doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Oddly as he was leaving everything became very black and white :(

The Kilbs
I have identified numerous options to harness the synergistic opportunities of a BBC wide system for implementation of this management-speak and fully and wholly concurr that subsequent inter-departmental 'face-time' is required.

BS
I once had a boyfriend who used such phrases during "romantic moments". He's now well outside the box!

FRED
We need to develop robust systems that are flexible enough to facilitate change and progression.

Kevin
I was accused last week of "solutioneering"

MS
Well this one is so common in our meetings "Room is open for discussion"

RHam
Can you make chocolate from that?

ib
"had a conversation with". Oh, you talked to him?!

EOC
As per our conversation, I communicated to John to empower his agents ASAP to touch-base with the trainers, in order to empower them to be more proficient going forward, and to maximize their ability to reach for the low-hanging fruit. This strategy, coupled with our facilitation of business-casual attire on Fridays, should realise significant synergistic benefits such as increased buy-in, enhanced productive impact, cohesive leverage of motivators, and transparent success barometers.

mg
Our philosophy is a quantum leap over the customer oriented parameters under which most other big box retailers operate, therefore enhancing stockholder value while radically reducing worker angst, synchronizingly marginalyzing our sector rivals to a point where they are almost nil as a potentially competitive market factor, therefore dominating, in a total way, all the marbles. Our loyal customers and our happy employees are a cohesive force, working to give the best golden parachutes to all of our most worthy lords and ladies of our upper administrative sphere and hence, many of our aspirant upper management team are more than willing to be gently coerced to spend much extra time and effort, gratis, in order to achieve that level of transcendence of the magical bottom line. While we are continually setting our benefits package to a standard of living on par with the of the world, our loyal employees all continually eschew the "rules of retail war" in a most Enron/Ken Lay-like way; all while selling what really amounts to endless tons of cheap plastic crap to our target market: kiddies, aged 2 to 34; as psychological testing has shown this age sector to be the most vulnerable to "feeding the need" and thereby enhancing shareholder value.

er1c
I hear what you're saying but my concern is.... People get termed ... (terminated) as in fired/let go. Termed!

Aggy
Okay people, to talk like a manager you will have to assess your legacy Core Competencies look at the big picture and finally touch base with reality. From where I sit the downside is you need to reposition yourself in the market place and take ownership of your own legacy re-branding. Let’s call apples, apples, this is not rocket science and lets face it none of us are trying to reinvent the wheel. But there are no quick wins, out of the box legacy solutions to be able to make you best of breed when it comes managing your expectations. But lets touch base for a moment, if you cannot see the wood for the trees then you need to take on board some constructive criticism or you may find the transitional period not to be as seamless when going to market as first predicted. The upside, and I am being brutally frank, the bottom fell out of the market and at the end of the day if you are not a big hitter then no matter how much blue sky thinking you do you will not be customer centric when you step up to the plate and away from the legacy ideals. Taking the business in hand, and I would like to address other issues arising from this in a one to one after the meeting, you have to look at the complete picture and make sure you are thinking outside of the box when it comes to being a team player. It is no use having a clean bill of health if you, as a product, cannot be seen as a bespoke legacy solution. You need to be cutting edge and push the envelope but equally you need to be less hands on because the name of the game is management. Going forward you will need to develop a state of the art turn key management tool that can aid leverage to team players. If things are getting out of hand you need to push back and not let yourself be wound up in the red tape of high level legacy market forces. You do, however, need to be pro-active with your synergy. It’s a new world out there, you need to build a better mousetrap to get your foot in the door and then it will be win win all the way. The way I see it, from my side of the desk, when you are flying solo you need to access what is mission critical and what can be dealt with in house. Provide yourself with a realistic ETA to your future development and above all else bring me solutions not problems. I have made a note of your concerns and will take them away with me and get back to you at a later date.

Peter
In a brainstorming, right-brain, left brain context, lets throw all the ideas into the proverbial wok and see if we get ourselves a stir fry!Not forgetting the need for "line of sight", "horizon scanning", keeping things "on my/your radar" ensuring mission critical goal congruence!

Scott
Just a couple that had me wondering what the person was talking about Blue sky thinking 20,000 foot view

Philip
"We must try not to take any financialistic risks". This was read in a document submitted to management and they were expected to sign off the overall contents.

matt
"can do if you can attitude" - i heard this when i started my job a year ago and its a load of rubbish.

Lucky Strike
Some other offerings: "capture the learns"; "sense check" and my personal favourite "release the love"

Roy
"e-tailers should embrace bricks-and-clicks experiences to unleash visionary communities. By not harnessing interactive deliverables,it is virtually impossible to monetize compelling ROI,visualize intuitive channels and benchmark leading-edge functionalities. Upper management should aggregate B2C initiatives and embrace transparent supply-chains in order to engineer efficient mindshare. Redefining innovative e-commerce landscape is all about monetizing seamless collaborative architectures and embracing paradigms of the leading-edge web2.0 initiative." Click the below to read more about it. LOL http://brilliantconcept.com/blog/?p=27

Joe Ferrell
"I'll ping you later." People promising to contact or follow up with someone else will sometimes say this. Interestingly, it's almost never anyone who works on computers but is involved with the industry (e.g. salesmen, non-IT executives).

James C.
"firing on all cylinders"...

darose
I've always hated the phrases "win win" and "net net".

Bruce
"As a starter for ten." Standard term around here that can apparently be used in any situation.

Mark
Please forecast your uptake.

Steve Satchwell
Anyone who is avoiding the issue has now "gone offline"

N
actually quite a good one this - along the lines of 'cut to the chase' but after a long drawn out discussion about whether a candidate who clearly had all the right skills, etc. was the right one to offer a job to, the MD sighed and announced "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, chances are it's a **in' duck!" He was duly hired and has been a great success, even if we do nickname him 'The Duck' nowadays!

Yvonne
Direct quotes from an email: "A 'Big Bang' approach should be deprecated. Incremental, phased, proof-of-concept positive examples will result in 'sell' not 'tell'." "to interface with" (verb)

Ed
"This year has seen significant negative growth" = we lost money.

paul bradley
lets ring-fence the issues

Brad
I didn't know the UK was as bad as the US. Here's mine: "We have to calibrate ourselves to this process".

Sally H
This is the first blue chip company I've worked for and since I started I've been amused to hear: out-of-the-box processes, synergising, team dynamics, sanity checks, issues we face moving forwards, strategise our agenda, challenge the paradigm etc etc etc. It is truly hilarious to sit in a meeting with these people.

graham
we're selling the sizzle, not the sausage. This gem came from...yep, you guessed it, the sales director!

Paul
My boss has loads: As sure as eggs are eggs lets go gardening whats the score on the doors at the end of the day at this present moment in time. to name but a few

MarcusJ
Face-time (means talking to somebody, ugh!)

Gordon 'NZ'
Going Forward (or) Moving Forward Am i tired of hearing it or simply amused? Where did this start? Who said it frist? Was that person successful or just the guy who keeps the ladder steady while everyone else is climbing it? Personally, brown is not a shade of lipstick i would like if i were to buy some.

Samantha
Incent used as a verb..."we need to incent employees into reengineering our corporate ecosystem so we can deliver a win-win across the infrastructure and leverage our intellectual capital.

Tony
We need to cut to the chase on this one and end up with a copper bottomed level playing field.....

Anonymous
The forward load is looking good

Anonymous
We need a quick win solution...

Tony Bougatsas
I remember a former boss once making several attempts in a morning briefing to say the word remunerate (which he still didn't say properly) instead of just saying paid.

Gerry Q
May I quote one of our senior managers: Before you send this e-mail to colleagues, I want you to "run it by me" so that I can perform a "sanity check" on its contents. In other words, "let me quickly have a look at the e-mail before it goes out the building"

Gerry Q
May I quote one of our senior managers: Before you send this e-mail to colleagues, I want you to "run it by me" so that I can perform a "sanity check" on its contents. In other words, "let me quickly have a look at the e-mail before it goes out the building"

db
our director is so full of managent speak we've started calling it symonisms after him. Here are a few examples fropm his 'compelling prospectus for change': 'matrix working','this project needs to be robust, transparent and fit for purpose', 'we need to maximise largescale inward investment', bespoke leverage opportunities', 'mainstream good practice', 'act as a catalytic agent', 'provide greater strategic coherence', 'develop and implement a sustainable succession strategy', 'functions were operating as a single entity rather than being integrated into key functional areas'

Wendy, Hampshire
My boss says I need to be more 'acquiring' - what he means is that he wants me more agressive with people who don't achieve enough for him to impress his bosses!

Robert Fee
There's no I in 'Team' but there's one in 'P*** Off'

Ann Marie
There is no I in team.... but there is a me. Never assume as it makes an ass out of you and me. I prefer Assumption is the mother of all f**k ups. 'Make it Happen' = the biggest con ever perpetrated on the working population. It makes People believe it's a good idea to work 16+ hours a day with no extra money.

Sam K
They say: "Theres no I in team" I say: "No, but if you look closely theres a 'Me'."

Phil
As I left work yesterday I heard somebody proclaiming over the phone: "I don't want you to dig a hole for yourself and find it going pear-shaped"

Will Shield
Them: Could you give us a bit of "flavour" on FY06 Forecast? Me: Vanilla or chocolate, how do you like your Forecast?

Rachael Underwood
We are always asked to "fight fires". I'm not even in the fire brigade, that's pro-active thinking outside the box for you.

Rachael Underwood
In a recent meeting our manager explained that we needed to "pull-off that team" (apparently from a list?). I don't mind being friendly with my colleagues, but....

Lee
compliance - This is a word which really really annoys me. And the good old faithful - There is no "I" in team.

Ian
Back the bus up has been used a few times round our joint, to slow down and go back to the beginning!

Iain D
"We need to park this issue for the moment". Translation: None of us know the solution to this problem!

Thomas Nop
"Chop Chop" and "That should have been done months ago" are two common management speak directives that used to echo round my place of work.

Andrew V
I'm going to run an idea up the flagpole and see who salutes...

Jon C
Raising the bar

LG
Our Directors and "Top level Management" just can't get enough of it.... need to proactively adopt a "can-do" attitude "need to ensure we're all singing from the same hymn sheet before we push forward with this " "I think I have now rolled in the key points but please check to make sure we have everything wrapped in" - and we're supposed to be impressed by their intelligence and sharp thinking ? really ?

David
This has only been used once but i reckon its an absolut cracker "fullness of my capacities" try sliding that one in at the right moment

Ray M
We need to offer our staff some "care and feeding" so they don't feel isolated out there in Pittsburgh.

Gaz Goodall
"Let's cut to the bike-sheds" No idea what it means

Ed Cohen
'Action' (as a verb) and 'Actionable' are buzzwords amoungst managers. "Going forward, anything actionable will be actioned immediately!" was a dictum handed down to me in a meeting today.

Jon S
On promotion prospects, It’s always good to be proactive and touch base with the boss to get a heads-up on the benchmarks for fast-tracking your career. The bottom line is that a knowledge-based strategic game plan is needed to prove you are a client-focussed team player who is in the loop. the boss needs to know you are playing hardball to empower a win-win situation

Phil Bennett
That is a "really stretching target in terms of what I can visualise as achievable post year end"

andy sjordal
"touch base" "get on the same page" "in terms of..." "the big picture"

Jon Adams
We are always being told to "think out of the box" . . . The phrase makes me wretch . . .

Tom Saul
"Solutionise" I respectfully suggest this word be taken out and shot. It really is the kindest thing to do.

Aaron
No need to re-invent the wheel going forward. It's not rocket science, all we need is a stand-up meeting so we can start the hard yards on some blue-sky thinking. I'll touch base later this arvo at our catch-up session.

Rajat
Once my ships get docked or When my ships arrive - Once everything sets in perspective.

Lisa Dusseault
My favorite is "on a going-forward basis". As in, "We will follow the new process on a going-forward basis." What's the alternative -- time travel?

Wayne
Manager here used "have we concreted all the dirt tracks" leaving us all with puzzled looks

Dave
'Reactive spirals' and '360 degree feedback' - what do they mean?

Jim Powell
Low hanging fruit = easy pickings

Andrea
We are told to "challenge those paradigms"

Keith
My most hated - "Square the circle"

Eleanor
Working for a local authority we are regularly asked to "scope" "strategize" and "synthesize the differentials" - you wonder why nothing much gets done in local authorities - we are too busy trying to decipher Government publications!

Peter Lancaster
"I'd like to deal with that offline if I can", "we think that company A's not only sitting in our place but they're eating our lunch too!", "can I just park that over there for a moment?", "Peter, what's the "So what?" to that?". Yet to be heard in a real meeting (but watch this space): "I'll just run this idea up the flagpole to see which way the wind blows it" and "Now that we've put the wheels on the buggy it's very much a case of waiting to see which way it'll roll."

Ian Reading
A couple of recent favourites from our Sales Manager go like this.. 'Its like walking up the stairs and ending up in the basement'! 'It's like swimming through treacle'! and 'Its like trying to get a square peg in a round hole'!!!! obviously this would be said whilst trying not to re-invent the wheel!! What a clown!

Adam Reid
Close of play

Mark Brown
We have a Cheesy Salesman who uses "look were not trying to re-invent the wheel here" what a monkey.

Steve
"Let's leave that idea in the car park with engine running" "Let's put some blue sky on this situation"

Maria , Reading
Our manager has mentioned "Stop being vegans, get the mother duck plucked and heading for a good basting" when encouraging staff to get on with the job!? Bizarre.

Dave
I'm stillthinking outside the box, but with blue sky thinking. Managers use expressions such as this to try and impress the impressionable - what a load of morons they are.

Mark
Latest phrase doing the rounds in the world of IT is "Magnetic North". In others setting out the direction of the dept/company. As we all know Magnetic North tends to move around alot...

Jane, Reading
The best phrase (or worst) I have heard was a salesman informing us that he was "going in with an open kimono policy"... ridiculous!

Peter Jackson
My boss used to say: "this is a steep learning curve leading to a major culture change" and "you're talking Big Time". No-one ever understood what he was saying.

Paul
"Grandfathering" used as a verb (really!) to mean the retiring of out of date products.

Jonathan
I can cope with most management speak and have even caught myself at it from time to time. The one that really makes me squirm is the phrase - "Let's get their but-in on this."

Duncan
Where I work a large insurance company in Reading) management speak is used daily. The best (or should that be worst) I heard recently was "we need to send out an SOS, put up the red flag and see what comes over the horizon - hopefully the Cavalry" Translated this means we need to ask for assistance.

Harriet
My boss uses "cooking on gas" to describe something going really well!

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