Overheard at the BBC

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...Can you dress in a goose costume? The channel have asked for it...

...If Danger Mouse knocks on our front door can somebody let him in?...

...Have you filmed an ugly roundabout because I don't want lots of pretty ones?...

...I can't believe I am hungry at 11am, it must be because the clocks have gone back, because really its 12:00...

...It's my birthday I can say what I want...

…we can try me on a trampoline with clothes, me on the trampoline without clothes… Hey everyone, don't worry, we're just talking about user testing...

...Is there theatre in Manchester?...

...I'm fully trained to kill a cow in twenty seconds" - in reference to his previous career as a slaughterman, before working for the BBC...

...Oh my god, how can you say pilates is NOT a sport?...

...No need to get changed or expose anything you don't want to...

...If my nose falls off I'm going to sue the BBC...

...We made that? Wow that's really good!.. I don't mean to sound surprised!...

...Man marches into OBH foyer: 'What church is this please?' 'It's not actually a church, sir... but you could call it The Church of Truth.'...

...Can you imagine David Cameron doing something like that?...

..."Nice holiday?" "Mmm… honeymoon actually. Tony Blair and Eric Cantona were there"…

...I just tried to call someone with my calculator...

...So, the deal is, Pudsey and Blush are allowed to hold hands for encouragement since they are friends, but never, ever, cuddle, kiss or canoodle as they are not boyfriend and girlfriend, so make sure your heads never touch in public...

...Producer: What Sky channel are we again Peter, 957? Peter: I think so…although that could be Babestation...

...Colleague 1: Charlie, stop barking! Colleague 2: Don't mind him he's just talking to his puppy with an app on his ipad...

...Don't expect to get any more funding. This guy is as tight as a duck's bum...

...Why on earth do the Look North team think it's appropriate to parade their sweaty lycra clad bodies around the building?...

...Alright guys, new plan of action. We are walking to BH without bending our knees...

...I've just dropped a dong into the running order…

...There's a landmark meeting next week to discuss the tent poles for next year…

...There's this thing called ITIL - it's quite overwhelming...

...Shall I just hit the sat truck with a branch, Fawlty Towers style?...

...We don't do it in the studio any more for fear of getting pavlova on the faders…

...Does anyone want to borrow my Brompton till after the Tube strike? This is a serious offer...

...I've just dropped a dong into the running order…

...Am I ok to go on a course tomorrow?What's it on?It's for like, digital.Yeah fine...

...So you've got glass in your bum as well?...

...Could you ask her while she's looking at the welly wanging if she'd mind checking out the hay bale chucking as a back up?...

...Colleague 1: 'I was going to do an eyeball emoji but there isn't a lot of choice on Lync.'Colleague 2: 'I know, tell me about it. Lync needs to up its emoji game'...

...I quite like being in charge. You know what I mean? Deciding things...

...Hot desking is a bit like communism; good in theory but doesn't work in real life...

...He didn't sound beardy on the phone...

...I saw Gemma's nipple too... (in relation to a Facebook picture of hone of our ex-Hull crew at Glastonbury with a badly placed headphone earbud)

…I reckon a cow's arse is probably about that wide (gestures measurement with hands)…

...Receptionist: 'How're you today?'... Producer: 'Well my bloody beetroot has spilt all over the bottom of my bloody bag and it's gone all over my bloody dress so just bloody leave me alone'...

...It's almost impossible to get elderflower pressé on tap here...

...Sometimes all you can do to salvage a day is watch children's television at your desk...

...My bag smells of salami...

...Hold fire on the gay teacher, I think we're going to go with the one-eyed cop...

...I'll book you your taxi to Dreamland at about ten past six...

...Simon's main concern was Bob's overgrown cactus that looked like a penis…

…I've probably got some poo bags on me somewhere…

...I feel the BBC and the Chinese Communist Party are two very similar organisations...

...We just had a joyously momentous occasion in the cupboard... Hang on, I didn't mean…

...'Your road trip sounds amazzzzzzing! I would looooooooove to travel across America like that. So much fun. So interesting'... 'You should go for it'... ...'I can't drive'...

...I'm entitled to your treats. I'm from the loins of a double Sony winner...

...I've had lots to eat today; it makes me feel jazzy... (does jazz hands as she walks away)

...I'm so annoyed. We have actually had an accident in our car and no-one's phoned us about compensation...

...I'd love to get someone on who has cheese on their fruit cake…

...I just think, if I'm not allowed to bring my cat in to work, then why should you be able to bring your sprog in?...

...You dense git... (said to a bumble bee)

...'Is she crying? What's happening?' (editor on seeing colleague on the phone with head face down on keyboard)... 'IT support.' (another colleague).

...Cow shit on a bus. Are we running it?...

...Does the room happen to be free from 15.30 if we do a pre-meeting meeting?...

...I had some amazing sausages this morning. They were chicken. Just thought I'd tell you…

...I really don't like people doing sexy eating...

...Are you putting hairspray on for Basil Brush?...

...Jonah Fisher probably won't make his slot on the Ten. He's just got arrested...

...I'm so excited! I've got loads of pheasant guests…

...I've spent six months becoming a constitutional expert so I can do the 'hung Parliament' thing. MEH!!!...

...I had some amazing sausages this morning. They were chicken. Just thought I'd tell you…

..Smells like meat... (woman sniffing the soya milk in a hub at NBH)

...What? Why did he get bitten by a pelican?...

...At the free clinic they don't give you wine, they just judge you...

…It was so embarrassing - at 27 having to ask my dad to fix our bed cos we broke it...

...DON'T GIVE HIM THE CHARGE CODE!... (running across the office)

...I thought what you were working on was going to be awful but it turned out to be quite alright...

...Are you still arguing with Radio 2?...

...How are the plans for VD Day? No, that will be VE Day...

...It's fine, he's only talking about the spoon gorilla. Three minutes is all we need...

...I once found £10 in my knicker drawer…

...I've got to go. Need to get a nap in before the Bingo...

...Well I only found out he was in One Direction the other week... (on news that Zayn Malik had left the group)

...I'm just going to find a convenient bush…

…I couldn't hang my smalls out because of the golfers…

...I've just shouted at a man for getting in the way in Tesco. Then I noticed his white stick...

...There's nothing more embarrassing for a cat than when he can't fit into his teepee...

...Producer one: .'Have you got a pole?' Producer two: 'I'm just chasing Kate for a pole'...

…I'm not going to be injected, live, on air, am I?...

...I tell you what, you don't want to piss off a Great Tit...

…Just move Top Gear to the BBC Natural History unit. They are used to filming hungry, wild animals in hostile situations...

...Branded blindfolds? Radio 3's gone a bit Fifty Shades haven't they?...

...Buzzfeed clickbait? Yup, that's what I joined the BBC to produce [Sigh]…

...Would you wipe your arse with a prosthetic hand?...

...You love your drugs...

…I'm off to wash my mug out and that's not a euphemism…

…Can someone put Mickey Mouse on the 'Worry List', please?…

…I didn't stay long because I had to get some croutons…

...Do I really have to babysit Huw's profiterole?...

...Caffeine-free Earl Grey. Where do you start with what's wrong with that?...

...I think the Hull Daily Mail are spying on my Google web history...

...We're not on air, mate. You can call me as many swear words as you like...

...Has someone been for my potty?...

...The level on several of the items in today's transmission were quite literally through the roof...

...I just need to ask you not to mention the oral sex tattoo on your back while you're on air…

...Come here and sit on my blue sky bench, sorry radiator with a cushion on it...

...So, do you think with an Irish accent, then?... (to a Northern Irish colleague)

...'Would you like a chocolate cupcake? It's got lots of sprinklies on it'... 'Ooh, actually no thanks mate'... 'Well, f**k you then'...

...I've just vox popped James Harding at Oxford Circus, thought he was a tourist. He was really nice about it…

...Do you know why they've drained the ponds?... They pose a major terrorism threat, don't they?... (on the W12 water features)

...You've got a godson and a house. You're so grown up... I've got a tumble dryer...

...Has anyone ever wondered how Edward Scissorhands goes to the toilet?...

...I've had to write part of it backwards...

...I need to snort some sherbert through a mint Aero wrapper...

...If you want to pay S&M chicken, I'm your girl...

...Is that his girlfriend or is it Nicki Minaj?...

...Could you just enable my pass, please? I've been asking for three days. Neither of us want me to get my mother involved in this...

...Studio Editor: 'Don't yawn your way through my programme.' Desk BJ: 'Sorry. You woke me up'...

...I was so tired last night that I couldn't listen to any Charlotte Church songs…

...Don't mind me, I've just had a little accident in the toilet…

...And I walked out of the studio to find her washing her hair in the kitchen sink...

...Can you let me in please, I've lost my pass. Well, when I say lost, I mean left it in the fridge...

...It'll take more than a talking sprout to save Look North… Potato nativity?...

...I can definitely get a squirrel to destroy a teapot but I am worried about the starling in the photo booth... (heard in the NHU)

…Apparently more people are off today [19/12/14] than in the world... ever! Ok maybe a slight exaggeration...

...Have you got your trousers on today?...

...Are sausages BBC One or Two?...

...There's been a rota cock up - I wonder if the Santa who's just turned up can drive a desk?...

...Well I think the best time to do it will be over Christmas. There's not going to be any news at Christmas...

...I won't be a minute, I'm just pulling your 'titty'. From Radioman I mean...

...So she does that in character as Gabriel does she? Goes to the Sainsbury's car park and fetches the three wise men...

...I've just made a slight change and your identity has gone now mate...

...We need to ask Chris to use plain English. We should ban the word 'officials'...

...I'm getting knocked up to avoid Children in Need next year... (in the gallery on Children in Need night)

...There are lots of tortoises at the BBC and they're not celebrated enough...

...That's a lot of hassle. I nearly dropped my M&Ms...

...I do sometimes worry, what would happen if I just farted and everyone heard it? I'd have to just grab my bag and go…

...It's rather like leaving King Herod in charge of Mothercare...

...Linda only got married once this year...

...I had a horrible dream about a keyboard last night. It was shiny and purple and nasty...

...Do you know, I'd be really happy to be a serving wench...

...Dan says that Tony Blackburn might need a bucket to use onstage...

...Hey! I am wearing underpants, awesome…

...If we need to get the elephants, then let's get the elephants...

...I'm just asking if we can say 'stud muffin' on air. Is it one word or two?...

...I hope I'm not pregnant. I'm having weird cravings for things at the moment...

...I'd rather be in a grave that's useful rather than taking up premium space. Put me under an allotment...

...Last Halloween I dressed up as my ex-boyfriend's conscience...

...I always pack a jumper and a safari shirt for the office, just in case...

...Well, it's a bit raunchy in the gardens...

...It took me a moment to accept that Nick Knowles actually said you should bend your wife over the freezer...

...You'll be the one missing out tomorrow when we're chomping on naan breads and talking Kung Fu Preying Mantis...

...Emmerdale. What happened to the man with the whiskers and all the sheep?...

...Well there is a real baby in the shoot, but we're just hiring in a fake baby as a back-up. The courier's going to go and collect it from Cardiff...

...I'm selling rams in Tonyrefail tomorrow... (reporter to news producer)

...Mate, don't fart in here - I'm bringing some guests through in a bit and I'm almost out of Glade...

...Did you meet your spouse at the BBC? Better question - did you meet the person you left your spouse for at the BBC?...

...Well your eyebrows are far more important than sport news anyway...

...Does anyone have a regular towel for our presenter... Yes but I've used it... I won't tell him, he'll never know…

...Computer says 'Surrogate Host Handler' has failed. Is that a presenter thing?...

...There's a woman with boobs on the TV! That's not very good for the BBC…

...I don't see any teats, therefore it's a bullock…

...How's your chicken? Did it have a nice birthday?...

...Do you still have that bomb?... No, the Newsnight one...

...I've got pastry on my tweed...

...Do oil beetles excite you?... (overheard in Natural History Unit)

...Is the vegetable man primed to do Cameron next week?...

...Alright... you free to grab that coffee?...Sorry mate, I've actually got to go and meet some pirates...

…I hate waking up with a kebab next to me in bed…

...Do we still have a wine drawer?...

...She looks like a female version of Ken Dodd, on acid...

...Once, twice, three times a lay-by... (director discussing location shoot)

...Sh*t - I've missed National Spa Week...

...I was going to say 'do you want my flower?' but I thought it was the kind of thing you'd send to Ariel...

...Don't be silly. Who doesn't look at their phone for an hour and a half?...

...Go past DIY SOS and turn right before you get to the Deadly stairs…

...Life is too short to eat a sh**ty apple...

...I know my Champagne better than my Poirot...

...Paul, you didn't reply to my email about testicles...

...Lasso me and I will come over...

...Can't blame him. He's got a Fisher Price phone anyway...

...Listeners love a dead horse story...

...You see, if I was 5ft 10, I'd take up Argentinian Tango...

...I've gone off tic tacs. They look like the poo of a water vole...

...You see, if I was 5ft 10" I'd take up Argentinian Tango...

...I really liked your cameraman and he filmed me trimming my bush...

...I wish I had a vacuum cleaner...

...Person one: I watched The Godfather at the weekend. Person two: Oh, with Whoopi Goldberg?Oh no, wait. I'm confusing it with Sister Act...

...You've got like a Sonar for free booze, haven't you?...

...A letting agent? Is that what they're called? I'm such a crap grown up...

...What wine do you like? I like house...

...I wish I was older, then wearing a dressing gown is acceptable...

...I'm sure your fiancée thinks she's really lucky...

...Is he nervous about his A level results? I know exactly what you're going through; we're waiting to hear which nursery ours has got into...

...I just bought an inflatable kangaroo on Amazon. It was only £1. I just thought it might come in useful...

...Is video playback important to iPlayer?...

...Oh gosh, it's Monday isn't it?! Well I mean it's not Monday now, but it will be Monday on Monday...

...Is a Radio 3 producer allowed to tell a Radio 1 presenter to stop effing and blinding in the office?...

...If you want to sparkle love, you sparkle...

...I wonder what a hotdesk is?... (two delegates from a Writersroom course)

...Colour; font; gingerbread men...

...There is a YouTube clip, Barn owl versus Cat, but not a lot happens...

...I don't deserve to be hungry. Frankly, I've achieved very little...

...You'd rather England won the World Cup than you getting twenty poxy quid in the sweepstake, wouldn't you?...

...Am I moving the toucan to half nine? You know he has problems with his mobile signal?...

...I don't deal with anyone who doesn't have a crown on their epaulettes...

...You are of no use to me unless you can find four entertaining contributors who also fought on D-Day...

...Someone just searched dino porn! What the hell are they trying to find out?...

...James? How do you pull a bucket?...

…There's a baby seagull in that bike's pannier...

...Our team needs a cake knife just as much as The One Show...

...So do you want to kick off with the British Toilet Association? Or shall we start off with the editor of Glam magazine?... (discussion with local radio producer about a child who wanted to use the toilet in a retail shop and was refused)

...Er… has, um, anyone seen a black bin bag? Er… It's marked 'confidential waste'...

...Isn't one of the D-Day Normandy beaches named Obama?...

...Brompton bike … tick. Bern crash hat … tick. Hi-vis jacket … tick. Living the W1A dream are we?...

...Do want the drunken one or less drunken one?... (one colleague asking another about which picture to use.

...So, they're like Teletubbies, but more edgy and with less of a focus on custard?...

...I'm so corporate I'm wearing the same colours as the walls...

...'Have you ever been to Nigeria?' 'No, but I've been to the Isle of Wight'...

...Never forget, you are in W1A at all times...

...I'll be with you in a minute, I've just got to do a bit of bureaucracy…

...Trying to get a desk at NBH is like Game of Thrones...

...Today, our most important newsgathering tool is social media…so Facebook, Twitter etc... (heard while walking past a tour group overlooking the newsroom)

...There's no coffee in the whole kitchen? This is LITERALLY the worst thing to ever happen...

...Listening to his voice is like being licked all over…

...My retirement plan is Chernobyl in a camper van...

...Postage stamps are mental... (with reference to the price of a book of stamps)

...If I eat this hot cross bun will it turn me into a Christian?...

...Remind me never to go to the newsroom...

...I was just talking to him, then every now and then my eyes would drop to his big gun...

...You're not dipping your apples anywhere...

...News generally happens on Monday to Friday between 9am and 5pm. I know that might sound funny but it does, so it means we can plan how we are going to cover things like state visits...

...I can't tell if he's actually trying to grow a beard or if he's just wilfully unshaven...

...You know the intern in W1A? Is that what we look like?... (BBC Apprentices talking together)

...I can turn mine on by just sitting down… (during a discussion about mobile phones)

...Please all check your privates. Now...

...I've just had to hold a microphone three inches away from the Prime Minister's penis...

...'Gnerk' is an onomatopoeic expletive equivalent to, but gentler than, 'Bollocks'...

...As part of your induction I'd suggest you start watching W1A, if you haven't seen it already...

...It's been Photoshopped though. I want an actual otter in a birthday hat...

Email "Ariel Team" with your funniest or strangest earwigs.

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