Overheard at the BBC

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...How hard is it to find someone to talk about the big bang? It's not like it's rocket science...

...She has a hectic lifestyle but I'm not sure what she actually does...

...Have you ever seen a room full of five year olds doing Gangnam Style?...

...This editorial compliance may have to go as high up as Ian Fletcher…

...I'm just listening to a 30 second munching session...

...He looks a bit dirty, but I quite like that...

...I'll be ten minutes, I'm going for a shave... (journalist on phone)

...He's got big hands. I love to watch him on telly...

Person one ...I like to shred things...Person two ...I like to burn things...

...Oh my god! That woman amazes me. She lives in a massive farm house out in the country and she doesn't own a frigging rain coat...

...Do we have the clip of the lesbian/gay/bisexual woman?...

...Oh no! My gel has burst - I'm all deflated now...

...I've just had a meeting with a total pillock - it's like he's auditioning to be an extra on W1A...

...There's a man outside Broadcast Centre wearing a BBC pass, flying a hawk around the buildings. When I joined, I was given a laptop and a headset; nobody said anything about birds of prey being an option...

...I'm keeping one eye on the curling...

...I thought Pegasus was just a famous unicorn...

...The water's flowing through my bedroom now. I'm thinking of getting some koi carp. Or even some who aren't so shy...

...I'd lick poisonous paint off of that man...

...Yeah, we need to skin the cat…

...I'm very partial to a locally sourced sausage...

...Do we need to get permissions for that?Probably...

...To stop your office fridge being nicked - disguise it as a dishwasher as nobody knows what they look like, much less use...

...Did you know, in Russian the sound that dogs make is 'gaff-gaff!' instead of 'woof-woof!'...

...How did they do that scene where they were, like, kissing with no clothes on?...

...That shirt is far too exciting for someone working in the news room...

...Good morning, sir. You look like a Communist in that hat…

...If I wasn't at work, I'd Google it...

...How do they know it's full of cannibal rats?...(while chasing a story on a lost ship that is full of rats that eat each other to survive)

...That's where they used to have the studios... (bright-eyed and bushy tailed guy talking to similar girl, as they passed TVC)

...I'm not a toffee muffin fan...

...Get that bloody goose out of my face...

...My mum and dad were watching 'Sun, Sea, Sex and Suspicious Parents'. I didn't like that...

...Can I just give you a quick going over?... (cleaner to bewildered BA)

...Can you collect my visitor from reception for me? He'll be the chap carrying a biscuit tin. He always carries a biscuit tin. No, I don't know what's in it. Biscuits?...

...I don't consider myself to be a fashion guru, but I thought white ties and black shirts went out ages ago...

...That's not the way Bananaman eats his banana...

...Well we can't try 192.com because the man's homeless…. He won't have an address...

...I'm just waiting to hear the length of Paul Hurst…

...Well we can't try 192.com because the man's homeless - he won't have an address...

...Can a human hibernate?...

...Blackman conceded a penalty. Missed by Tom Nichols. Jake Cole went wrong way but the shit went wide #pafc... (tweeted, and re-tweeted, before the typo was noticed)

...I can deal with a bit of flabby ham...

...I didn't realise I needed a visa to get into India...

...And it's definitely not a Scottish voice over you're looking for?... No, we don't want to be too ethnic...

...Is your co-worker a squirrel?...

...Oh! My trousers are on inside out...

...I didn't mean racy in a bad way...

...Does anyone know what floor the plotter in NBH is? Meaning a printer plotter….

...Why is there a spear in the office?...I've no idea, but I'll bet health and safety don't know...

...The best thing about coming to work is feeling my gel-filled mousemat...

...That's the nub of the problem - nobody can put a cost on common sense so it never features on the bottom line...

...If you go to the cheapest nastiest estate they don't have any trees. They don't even have aspirations of trees...

...When you got up close to 'Jack Sparrow' it was very messy...

...I'm feeling fruity this morning... (said in Pacific Quay restaurant during breakfast)

...He's the only person in Britain to have had his driving licence photo taken with a colander on his head...

…What's wrong? Have you never heard anyone in a chicken suit talk about DVB?... (from the R&D engineer reluctantly wearing a chicken suit for CiN)

...He's 70 - his face is so stretched it's smooth as a baby's backside, but none of his bottom bit moved...

...Shall I do my User Testing from the toilet?... (background: no desks available)

...Right, now how do I stop this from looking like a bottom?...

...It's ok, I'll use the old World Service charm...

...I'm too tired this morning to be dealing with back passages on air...

...I've been to heaven and that was kind of ok. I've also been to Casablanca and that was cr*p...

...I'm not very graceful when I spit...

...I won't get home before the kids' bedtime. In fact, I won't get home before your bedtime...

...Journey is my least favourite word at the BBC. It's code for 'this s**t is going to take a lot of time...

...Could someone review the questions for Alex Salmond please? One of them has a swear word in it...

...I am the god of hellfire and I present you with a pen...

…Hot chocolate and a power nap - what more could you want in life?...

...Is there a term for England and Wales? Wangland?...

...Once I have a staff job I'll say sh*t like that...

...Responsibility without power. The BBC way...

...Is that a man-bag or a defibrillator?...

...So I got a text from him last night which pretty much went, 'so, local radio is basically old men moaning about buses'...

...Jack the Ripper was probably from Knutsford...

...We need to think more about the graphics. It's my understanding that if you write Allah on a piece of paper, that paper becomes sacred. And our infotracts might be important, but I don't think they're on that level...

...Why is Gwilym parading up and down outside the building with his banana in his hand?...

...Yes, I've seen a pig with wheels...

...Symbiosis! Is that something to do with the Lion King?...

...Have you got two minutes to look at my back-shelf?...

...I'm allergic to Outlook...

…I thought we weren't having any hospitals this series? It's a morgue. Ah…

…Ooooh that's a filthy fork!...

...This is not the golden age of new entertainment telly...

...I hate the horn...

…I'm not having a meeting with you if there's no cake…

…My guest for Saturday has pulled out. Oh hang on, a nun is potentially bailing me out - just wish it was Whoopi Goldberg…

…Yeah I'll have a biscuit but I won't be able to fit into my skinny jeans anymore. These cost me £20 but I swear a fiver is up my arse now…

…Anyway, I look forward to your hairless self tomorrow…

Email "Ariel Team" with your funniest or strangest earwigs.

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