Overheard at the BBC

Overheard at the BBC graphic

...I can't stick a mic stand that looks like a dildo to Phil's door...

...I've read Pollard. It's an editor's job to take out poo jokes...

...People will be glad tomorrow when I've got my trousers back on...

...You don't get fluffy watermelons...

...OOOOOH. Unlimited juice? Hello!...

...I think I just broke the internet by searching for smiling alpacas...

...What size would you like? 10 inch?...

...Seriously listen to me, I'm not Jesus or anything but I'm pretty close...

...(Male colleague) I've performed in an all girls school three times…

...I dreamt that there was an underground BBC where all the real work was done...

...I had an 18 mile battle with a runner bean...

...You're looking rather damp down there, dear...

...What on earth would anyone want with his pants?...

...James, how much did Mat's bed cost?... £3000? What!...

...God! NASA have been getting spiders stoned...

...I can never find the 'I' in the alphabet. It should be up near the top, like ABCDEI…

...What sort of state are the dead puffins in?...

...We've already wasted too much of our lives thinking about David Dickinson...

...Person 1: 'I love action film but I hate violence, y'know what I mean?'.

Person 2: 'Yeah. So what did you think of the new Die Hard film then?'

Person 1: 'It was ok, but I preferred Django Unchained'...

...Well have you got the studio switched on?...

...Oh Look, Voldemort is following me on Twitter...

...Person 1: 'Quick, look, Peter is using a phone without help"

Person 2: 'F*** me!'...

...I know all about the Reformation, but after that, I'm a bit out-of-date...

...Photographer: Great, okay… Now how do you want to do the pose with the mosquitoes around you? We can super impose them in but-

Actor: The mosquitoes?

Photographer: Yeah, here it says-

Actor: Oh! No, that's mosques. As in where Muslims worship. That's not an abbreviation...

...Person 1: 'I can't wait for a drink'

Person 2: 'Ohhh, I can't wait for some alone time with my gadget…'

...Person 1: 'Have you seen this story? Girls think psychological bullying is a really big problem…'

Person 2: 'Oh brilliant, that's really nice'...

...I keep all my hair, always have done. It's in a drawer at home...

...'I can't find a sound effect of someone being hung'... 'Shouldn't that be someone being hanged?'

...Fingers crossed the queen doesn't die until next sprint [a software development term which means two weeks] then...

...The only item of any use they've got on the sat-truck is a butt plug...

...Peter moans if I have it off... (management assistant on her editor's reaction when she isn't listening to station output on her loudspeaker)

...Eddie Izzard has discovered that people came from Africa...

...How do you spell FILTHY?...

...ID unit: 'According to our records you stopped working here in 2008. You'll need HR to call us to verify you work here.'

HR duly call. ID unit: 'Unfortunately despite HR verification, I still can't confirm you work here.'

'Well, you could walk down one set of stairs, walk over to my desk and poke me? Or ask 100 other people in the building if they know me?'

'Unfortunately, sir I'm not authorised to do that'...

...What's the difference between a compulsive masturbator and 'loves cybersex'?...

...Get me another director, I've broken this one...

...It appeared to be a memory leak, which kicked off garbage collection ... around the Greenhopper...

...I just spoke to a lady with a chicken in her bag. She was worried about it defrosting… It wasn't great radio...

...Hello, this is a message for the Gloucestershire Goat Society…

...Of all things, I wouldn't have thought the Ass Ed was a Fanta drinker...

...There are a lot of stingrays at the BBC...

...We're all desperate! This is not an argument about coleslaw...

...Men and women are built differently, get over it!...

...You've got an itchy bottom? I've got an itchy bottom of my leg...

...I feel sorry for the little goats but they do keep me so lovely and warm...

(Scheduler describes Hulk Hogan after he was spotted at the BBC) ...He was big, very, very big; so big. He looked kinda like a big wardrobe with a bandanna on the top...

...One thing about journalists is they never get back to things; they kiss the girl, run off and just leave her there...

...Hello, could you put me through to Tracy Beaker, please?...

...I punched a pigeon today; well it was more of a back hand slap…

...You know what you've got to get? Tiger poo...

...I don't think his surname is a word, it's just a collection of letters...

...My computer's broken, and now I've lost my shoes…

...If Jesus really could make water into wine, I'd totes be his friend...

...Do you think there's a problem with her pussy again?...

...I'm happy to sign off on a 'sh*t' but I'm not signing off on a 'f*ck'...

...Oh we're getting married - but not to each other...

...Just because you've got a beard it doesn't mean you can go all ghetto on us...

...Presenter: 'Sorry we can't get that precise'

Interviewee: 'Oh, so vibrating nipple clamps are too much on Radio 4 at lunchtime...'

...I want you to paint my face like Uranus...

...I'll take any woman's hand...

...Are these guys interested in prostitutes?...

...Correspondent to producer: 'Are you going to the department Christmas party?'

Producer to correspondent: 'I'd rather stick pins in my eyes. But you might enjoy it'...

...If you were a banana producer in Guadeloupe you wouldn't be laughing...

...Circumcision is a long word, isn't it?...

...I am suspicious of NHS doctors...

...It's taken so long going down in the lift to the microwave and then back up again that my lunch hour's over...

...I think it's absolutely pointless having music in the lifts...

...Oh bugger it, somebody has already sent a Kit Kat into space...

...Do you want to come to the Zombie apocalypse?...

...She's fondling Dave's pair of Baftas again...

...It's a bad day for yellow fingering!... (on a gusty day in Salford with people waving big yellow fingers at reception)

...What do you know about something called the 'J Portal'?

'I've never heard of it. Sounds like something on Doctor Who...

...Do you know how much is involved getting a donkey safely into the car park?...

...I nearly ran over Kate Middleton's feet...

...I'm off to the toilet. Gives me something to do...

...Get a grip? He couldn't get a grip of a grippy thing...

...Ian, am I looking at the right thing? We don't want to see testicles on the screen...

...Will you watch my chips for me please? I'm just going to the toilet...

...I've seen people play with tampons... (group of techies playing online scrabble)

...In the Basil Fawlty meeting room? How fitting!...

...Every time I have seen you today you are eating a banana. You want to watch your potassium levels...

...If you get some random chipmunk acorns come through, they'll be mine...

...Sorry but I absolutely refuse to negotiate with a lifeguard...

...I'm off to the toilet….gives me something to do... (said on a quiet news day)

...You should join my Yammer Group; I'm the only member...

Producer: ...I wonder if you have any bodybags….to borrow?...

...Do readers want naked on a Monday?...

...Well there was that thing about a flange of gorillas...

...James Naughtie? Who's he?...

…My mother could silence a room with a look…

...That reminds me - I haven't listened to my turn as a prostitute...

...My male cat is lactating...

Person one: ...The Cambodian King has died… Person two: ...Oh nooooooooo!...

...It's Gateway, not Gayway.Hmmm, you may want to delete your internet history!...

...I've done a lot from park benches in the past...

...The problem is that everything's been rear-ended this year...

…I want to have a meeting with a poodle…

...I'm a vegetarian but I don't like vegetables...

...Don't you dare touch my cheesecake!...

...I feel like I'm in an episode of Doctor Who with my throbbing eye...

…Do you really think that I'm the type of person who would watch the One Show?...

…I just got one of my massive jobs done in the toilet…

…There's another bit beyond that - the future…

…I'm off to W12 to see the head of technology; it's about my big digital project. Does anyone know how to turn these desk monitors off?...

…I think it's a bit surreal, the bra measuring…

…Brussels Producer: 'I've got a prostitute!'…

…and then the Twix finger fell straight out of my pants; it was so embarrassing…

...It's with a grr grr hear. Yes, grr grr... (production co-ordinator on the phone to music copyright)

...Oh my God - what's in the programme again?...(presenter just before doing a presenter 2-way).

...Retweet anything that says 'I've had a great day'...

...I'm going to Zombie school on Sunday...

...Have you ever had a pleasurable time doing anything?...

...We're filming mould next Tuesday - mouldy bread, mouldy fruit, things like that. If you happen to have anything sitting around on your desk that's on its way out, please let me know - we might be able to take it off your hands... (from an NHU email)

...I'm going to go to the toilet and get a coffee - does anyone want one?...

...Go and put your trousers on and we'll talk later... (to a colleague still in his cycling gear)

...Every time a new clip of Kate comes in I have to Blob-a-boob...

...What's Chris' name?...

...We may have to drop the dead hamster...

...When I get a cat, I'm going to give it a really boring name. Oh I don't know, something like... IAN!...

...Can I go on a Maltesers rampage?...

...So yeah, we'll have some whiskey, do the bagpipe lesson yeah, because we'll all be dressed as zombie brides...

...We were standing on a boat for two hours with no shade waiting for Fiona Bruce to climb up some rigging...

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